“No, no, let me just buzz him.” She was already on the phone, telling him that Sophie was here, and the next thing Sophie knew, she was being welcomed into his office.
“Have a seat.”
“Thanks.” She sat down and took a deep breath. “I know you’ve probably heard by now.”
He nodded, folding his hands on his desk.
“But I decided to come speak to you face-to-face.”
“I respect that, Sophie.”
“I know you’re not my father, but you’re kind of like a spiritual father, so I know that I’ve hurt you too. So I just want to say how sorry I am and that I hope you’ll forgive me.”
His smile seemed genuine. “I already did forgive you.”
“You did?”
He nodded. “Trying to set a good example.”
“For Carrie Anne?”
“I’m sorry she’s being so hard on you, Sophie. If it’s any comfort, I think she’ll come around.”
“I’m not really surprised that she’s mad. I mean, I was pretty mad at myself at first. And a lot of times I still am. I can’t believe how stupid I was.”
“You need to forgive yourself too, Sophie.”
“I guess I’ll have to work on that.”
“So, how are your parents handling it?”
“My mom’s actually being really understanding—I mean, once she recovered from the shock. My dad . . . well, he’s still angry.”
“I’m sorry.”
“So am I. Really, really sorry.” She shook her head. “If I could turn back the clock, I would. I prayed and prayed at first for God to somehow change things, take the pregnancy away—anything to escape.” She pressed her lips together. “I even considered an abortion.”
“That’s not surprising.”
“I was surprised. I mean, you know me, I picketed the abortion clinic. I am totally pro-life. And yet when it impacted my life . . . I wasn’t so sure.”
He cleared his throat. “Sophie . . . may I ask you something?”
She shrugged. “Why not? My life’s pretty much an open book these days.”
“Well, Carrie Anne said that you’re telling everyone that your boyfriend is not the father of your baby. Is that correct?”
“Yes. Wes is absolutely not the dad. I’d swear it on a stack of Bibles. We’ve never had sex.”
“Carrie Anne said you told her that it was a guy at church camp, is that right?”
She nodded, and now her mouth felt drier than sandpaper. She felt the blood rush to her cheeks, and her pulse rate increased. She hadn’t even considered Pastor Vincent’s connection to Dylan when she’d come here today. She’d simply wanted to make things right with her pastor.
“Sophie, may I ask who the real father is?”
She swallowed hard. “Can I tell you this in confidence?”
“Certainly.”
She took in a deep breath and held it. “Dylan Morris.”
Pastor Vincent’s blue eyes grew wide. “Dylan Morris?”
She nodded and looked down at her lap. The room was silent. She imagined she could hear Pastor Vincent breathing . . . and her own heart pounding in her ears. Had she really just told him that his best friend’s son was responsible for her pregnancy?
“I must say, you’ve caught me by surprise, Sophie.”
She looked up. “You don’t believe me?”
“No, I’m not saying that. It’s just that—”
“I know. Dylan is a family friend, and he’s a good Christian and—”
“Good Christian men make mistakes too, Sophie.”
“Yes . . . believe me, I know.”
His countenance softened. “Dylan does have a way with the girls.” Suddenly Pastor Vincent looked concerned. “Does Carrie Anne know yet?”
“No. I can’t even imagine how she’d react if she did.”
“She still has quite a crush on Dylan.”
“I know.”
“This really is a pickle, isn’t it?”
Despite herself, Sophie smiled. “Yes, it’s a real pickle.”
“Does Dylan know about this yet?”
She shook her head. “I—I don’t really know how to tell him, Pastor Vincent. I mean, what do I do—just call him up and say, ‘Hey, you’re gonna be a daddy’?”
“That is rough.”
She just nodded.
“Would it help if I got involved?” He paused. “Because you must understand that legally—and for many other reasons— Dylan needs to be informed.”
“Would you do that?”
“Under one condition.”
“What?”
“You’re absolutely certain that Dylan is the father.”
Sophie pushed away her feelings of indignation. After all, why shouldn’t he ask? This news was shocking—what else might he not know about her? So she told him the whole story—sparing some details—about how they only had sex twice. “The truth is, I wasn’t even sure what happened the first time, and I actually told him no. Then the second time, I wanted him to stop . . . but I also wanted him to love me. He said he loved me.” She was crying again. Would there come a time when she could tell this story without tears?
Pastor Vincent was taking notes. Did he think this was going to turn into some kind of court case? Or did he plan to use this against her? After all, he was Dylan’s friend as much as hers. He looked up with sad eyes. “I’m so sorry, Sophie.”
She blinked. “You’re sorry?”
“This should never have happened to you. And at one of our camps.” He shook his head. “It’s actually making me quite angry.”
“I’m sorry, Pastor Vincent. I didn’t mean—”
“No, I mean I’m angry at Dylan. I expected more from him. And I suspect that you never would’ve broken your purity pledge if he hadn’t pressured you and taken advantage of you like that. I’m really disappointed in him.”
“Now I feel like a tattletale,” she admitted.
“The story needs to be told, Sophie. In some ways, it should be shouted from the rooftops.”
“You mean everyone will know?”
“Maybe everyone needs to know. It’s an old story, Sophie— selfish young men taking advantage of innocent young girls, making promises just to get what they want.” He actually slammed his fist on the desk. “But when it’s a young man who professes to be strong in his faith, well, it just really infuriates me.”
“But it’s not like I really want to punish Dylan. In some ways, I’d like to just keep the whole thing a secret.”
“But what about the child?”
Her hand slipped down to her stomach. “The child?”
“He or she may need to know who both parents are.”
“I suppose.”
Pastor Vincent’s anger was replaced with sadness as he and Sophie wrapped up their discussion. She knew he was hurting for both her and Dylan, and maybe even for Dylan’s parents. Surely they would be disappointed too.
She was about to leave, then thought of something. “You’re not going to tell Carrie Anne, are you?”
“No. I’ll leave that to you.”
“To me?”
“Wouldn’t it be kinder for her to hear it from you before she hears it from someone else?”
“Maybe.” But the truth was, Sophie wasn’t too sure. If anything was going to put the final nail into the coffin of what used to be their friendship, this would surely be it.
19
“You cannot be serious.” Carrie Anne stared at Sophie like she was seeing a three-headed space alien that had just threatened her life.
“I am serious.”
“You expect me to believe that you had sex with Dylan Morris?”
“It’s your choice to believe it or not. But it’s the truth.”
“I think you’ve lost your mind, Sophie.”
“Thanks. There were many times in the last few months when I would’ve agreed with you.”
“You’re saying that you and Dylan did it at camp?”
“That’s what happened, Carrie Anne.” Sophie’s voice was flat. “I’m not proud of it.”
“And you never told me?”
“I never told anyone. Do you know how ashamed I was? Do you know how humiliating this is? I mean, it was bad enough to know that I’d broken my vow. To realize that Dylan had just used me—”
“Now you’re saying he used you?”
Sophie wished she’d done this by phone, and then she could just hang up. But she’d come to Carrie Anne’s house and now she was stuck in her bedroom. Maybe she should just leave.
“Dylan isn’t like that.” Carrie Anne stood in front of her mirror with her hands on her hips.
“Like I said, you can believe what you want to believe, Carrie Anne, but the truth is the truth. And since you obviously have no interest in knowing what the truth is, I think I’ll go.” Sophie reached for the doorknob.
“Wait.” Carrie Anne turned and looked at Sophie with narrowed eyes. “What was Dylan’s reaction when you accused him—”
“I haven’t accused him of anything. If it wasn’t for your dad, Dylan would remain totally out—”
“My dad? What does he have to do with this?”
“He’s also my pastor, Carrie Anne. And he offered to speak with Dylan.”
Carrie Anne just stood there. Maybe she was speechless. “Look, I am really, really sorry for how this is hurting you. I would do anything to make it all go away. But life isn’t like that. Sometimes your bad choices and mistakes follow you to the grave. That will be the case with this one.”
“So what are you going to do?” Carrie Anne’s voice softened ever so slightly. “I mean, with the baby?”
“Probably give it up for adoption.”
“What if Dylan—if he really is the father, which I’m still not sure about—what if he wanted to do the honorable thing and marry you, Sophie?”
“Are you insane?” Sophie couldn’t believe Carrie Anne had just said that. “I don’t love him. And he sure doesn’t love me. What kind of horrible marriage would that be?”
Carrie Anne frowned. “Not so good. But it might be the right thing to do—you know, for the sake of the baby.”
“I think it would be absolutely nuts!” Sophie shook her head. What was wrong with Carrie Anne? “It would be totally and certifiably nuts! And I can promise you that if Dylan ever asked me to marry him, I would most definitely turn him down. I do not love him, and I don’t have the slightest shred of respect for him anymore. I can’t believe you’d even suggest such stupidity.”
“Sorry.” Carrie Anne looked hurt.
“No, I’m sorry.” Sophie sighed. “I feel like all I do is bring people pain. I will understand completely if you don’t want to be my friend anymore.”
Carrie Anne didn’t say anything.
“I just hope that in time you’ll forgive me.”
Sophie left. She couldn’t stand another minute of Carrie Anne’s judgment. On one hand, she didn’t blame her. How would Sophie have felt if the tables were turned? What if Carrie Anne had broken her pledge and was trekking around school with a big pregnant belly, expecting Sophie to act like nothing had changed, like it was no big deal? Well, it was a big deal, and Sophie knew it. And she didn’t blame Carrie Anne or Kelsey or Hannah or Jenny or Wes or anyone for steering clear of her. On the other hand, it hurt to lose a best friend. Thankfully she would still have the pregnancy center. At least she’d be understood there. She would make friends there too. And she would finish her school year. All thanks to the pregnancy center. She couldn’t help but laugh at the irony as she got into her car and drove home. Who would’ve thought—just a year or even six months ago—that Sophie Ramsay would ever have been thankful for the high school’s teen pregnancy center?
Mom, true to her word, made a doctor’s appointment for
Sophie. While other teenage girls were hanging with friends at the mall, doing some last-minute Christmas shopping and grabbing a movie, Sophie’s feet were above her head as the doctor did her “internal exam.”
It was the first time Sophie had experienced a gynecological visit, and unfortunately she knew it would not be the last. The worst part was the way the pain down there reminded her of how this baby had been conceived. In pain. Really, why did everyone act like sex was so great? For Sophie it hadn’t merely been physically painful, it had annihilated her life.
“Everything looks good.” Dr. Phillips removed her latex gloves, tossing them into the metal trash can. “You can sit up now.”
Sophie blinked back tears as she removed her feet from the stirrups and sat up, pulling the lap cloth closer to her.
“I’d say that you’re just starting your nineteenth week.”
Sophie already knew from her research that the average pregnancy lasted forty weeks. “So almost halfway done.”
“You got that right. Midway. Some women say this is the most pleasant part of pregnancy.”
“Pleasant is not the word I’d use to describe any of this.”
The doctor smiled. “Any questions?”
Sophie twisted her mouth to one side. “Kind of.”
“Go for it.”
“Okay, I only had sex twice,” she said quietly. “It hurt a lot the first time. And the second time wasn’t much better.”
“Seems like a bum deal now, doesn’t it?”
Sophie rolled her eyes. “Tell me about it. But anyway, I’m just curious, if sex hurts that much, why is it so popular?”
The doctor laughed. “It usually hurts at the beginning. That’s normal. But eventually people figure out how things work. Otherwise I’d be out of business.”
Sophie knew her face was red, but at least she’d gotten a straight answer. Not that she ever planned to have sex again. “So, unless you have more questions, you can go ahead and get dressed, and the nurse will come draw some blood. And don’t forget to make another appointment on your way out. Merry Christmas!”
Sophie told the doctor “Merry Christmas” too, but all she could think was that this Christmas was going to be anything but merry at her house. Dad still wasn’t speaking to her. Although he’d quit hanging at his favorite bar, he now parked himself in front of the TV with several beers nearby. And he and Mom fought with regularity. Sophie knew it was all thanks to her. Mom said not to worry about it and that Dad was just being immature and selfish. But Sophie knew that it was only because she had been immature and selfish. That hurt.
The other thing that hurt was that Bart hadn’t responded to her email. And he hadn’t called her. Mom said it was because he was so busy with football and that he was distracted with playoffs. But Sophie thought she knew better.
As relieved as she was to be out of school—away from her “friends”—she couldn’t believe how each day, each hour, and each minute seemed to drag on. It felt as if God had reached down and turned time onto slow speed. Consequently she slept a lot. When she wasn’t sleeping, she was on pins and needles. She could only assume that Pastor Vincent had spoken to Dylan by now. Possibly his parents as well. What if Dylan called her? Or, worse, what if he came over to her house? Would she even answer the door? She really didn’t want to see him. Not alone. Really, not at all. It was easier to just pretend he had nothing to do with this. He was not part of the equation. Less significant than a sperm donor. An unwanted sperm donor.
As it turned out, Christmas wasn’t too terrible, although it was definitely strange. Sophie was relieved when the “festivities” were over and Bart headed back to school for his final playoff game. They’d had a brief conversation, and Bart admitted that he was disappointed in her but that he’d forgiven her. Still, she could tell things had changed between them. Like Dad, he was uncomfortable being around her. But at least Dad had started talking to her again. That was something. Not more than a few words at a time, and he continued to avoid her eyes as if he was not only uncomfortable but ashamed of her too. Why shouldn’t he be? Why shouldn’t everyone be ashamed of her?
Sophie
knew she was depressed. But she tried not to show it when her family was around. She knew it was unfair to drag them down with her. So she did all she could to keep things light. She made jokes at her own expense and helped her mom with everything she could think of, but like everything else since her pregnancy, she just wanted the holidays to be over with. And if she could speed up the clock and the calendar, she would. Oh, she had no illusions that she’d ever have a normal life again, but the sooner this stage of her life passed, the happier she’d be. Although being “happy” seemed a bit of a stretch.
The highlight of the holidays was when Wes called on Christmas day. “How’s it going?” he asked with so much sympathy that she felt like crying.
“Well, imagine The Simpsons if Lisa got pregnant. That might just about describe it.”
He laughed. “At least you still have your sense of humor.” “I try.”
“I miss you.”
“Really?”
“Really. I wish I were with you right now. I’d give you a big hug and tell you that everything’s going to be okay.”
“I could use that.”
“Then consider yourself hugged.”
“Thanks.”
“I just want you to know that when we’re back in school, I am totally there for you. If people want to think I’m the father of your baby, I’m cool with that.”
“Seriously?”
“Yeah. And I plan to lobby for you to remain chief editor, Sophie. Unless you really don’t want me to.”
“I don’t really know what I want.”
“Well, I’ve been thinking about it. A lot. I think you have as much right to continue in that role as I would have to take it. I mean, for all everyone knows, I am the father of the baby. Why should you lose everything while the dad gets the ‘get out of jail free’ card?”
She groaned.
“Have you heard from him? From Dylan?”
Sophie told him about her talk with Carrie Anne’s dad. “So my guess is he knows by now.”
“What do you think he’ll do?”
“Hopefully nothing.”
“If he’s the jerk I think he is.”
“Thanks.” She smiled, then told him about Carrie Anne’s reaction. Well, everything but her lame suggestion that Sophie and Dylan should get married. And that was out of respect for her ex–best friend because no one should be that clueless.
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