by Natasha Boyd
My stomach growled. Muffins and cake had not hit the spot. I was craving a burger from the Snapper Grill. I pulled out my phone to text Jack, then realized I probably couldn’t eat a meal in public with him right now. I’d want to talk. We couldn’t discuss our issues in public. This was too big, too emotional. I’d cry. I’d cry with a big fat burger in my mouth. And the last thing we needed was another “trouble in paradise” story coming out about us.
“Have you heard from Cooper yet?” Jazz asked. “Is he back?”
“Not yet.” I hadn’t heard from him since he’d sent a group text a week ago letting us know he’d be back in town today.
“Who’s Cooper?” Nicole asked.
“A friend of ours from high school,” Jazz informed her. “He upped and joined the Navy a few years out of school so we’ve barely seen him. Ended up in the Navy SEALs.”
Nicole’s eyes widened and she shifted sideways. “That’s intense.”
“Yeah. And from the skinny grease monkey we knew in high school, that boy is now all man ... and all ripped.” Jazz whistled out a breath for effect. “And probably been through hell and back.”
“No kidding,” I agreed, thinking of the last time I’d seen Cooper who’d grown taller and broader but had somehow managed to retain his twinkling eyes in spite of what he must have seen in his line of work. “And he’s only been back to Butler Cove once since he joined up. His mom remarried and moved away. I guess he spends most of his time in California now. I saw him when I was out in LA with Jack last year.”
“He’s supposed to let us know when he’s back so we can all get together,” Jazz told Nicole. “A Butler Cove High reunion. Though it’s kind of hard to plan when the idiot won’t text me with an ETA.”
And apparently a now not-so-surprise birthday party for me was also hard to plan. Because I was assuming they were one and the same.
“Is that what you invited me to?” Nicole asked. “I wouldn’t want to intrude on old friends getting together.”
“Don’t be silly,” said Jazz as she turned the car into the driveway of the Butler Rooming House. “The more the merrier. And you’re a friend of ours now too.”
Damn, I was hungry. So hungry I felt sick. Like really sick.
I rubbed my stomach as Jazz parked and opened her door.
She and Nicole headed to the house.
And then several thoughts came crashing over each other at once. The last pill I’d taken several days ago. And my period still hadn’t shown up. My emotions, my hunger, my queasiness. My sleepiness. I’d napped yesterday. I never napped.
There was banging on the car window next to my face.
My vision was blue. Murky.
“Hey, Zombie?” called Jazz. “Are you getting out?”
And Jack might not want to get married. Might not want kids.
My queasy stomach suddenly felt like a bottomless sea. A wave of nausea started deep inside, building strength, and I fought to keep it at bay. This wasn’t real. This couldn’t be real. I looked down at my flat stomach and my breasts that looked normal but suddenly seemed to feel every fiber of my bra and felt bruised just to be in one.
“Oh my God,” I whispered, probably to God himself.
I don’t know what my face must have looked like, but the car door was yanked open and Jazz pulled me out. Just in time for me to vomit all over the pristine white oyster shell driveway.
Eight
Jazz held my hair and rubbed my back as I puked. I hoped Nicole had gone inside. Jazz was supposed to be inside. She had hotels guests. I willed the nausea to fade.
Finally, I spat and stood up, my eyes watering.
“Oh shit,” was all Jazz said and sucked her lips between her teeth, her eyes wide.
“Yeah.” I nodded. “Oh shit.”
“How long?”
“God knows? Days? Weeks? I only just put it all together.”
The sound of raised voices drifted from the house. Nicole and her mother.
“Go on inside,” I said. “I’m fine. Well, I mean. I’m not, but there’s nothing I can do about it right now. And I think the vomiting is over at least.”
“Come in and grab some Saltine crackers. I’ve got to deal with Nicole and her mother, then you and I need to sit down so you can tell me what’s going on with you and Jack and when you’re going to tell him you’re pregnant.”
I barked out a laugh. “I can’t tell him. He doesn’t even want to get married!”
“So you say. Come on, K. This is you and Jack we’re talking about.”
“Well, since I saw you yesterday, it went from being a doubt in my head to being real words that came out of his mouth. He’s not sure we should get married.”
Jazz froze. I’d finally rendered my best friend speechless. “What?” she finally croaked. “You’re serious.”
“As an unplanned pregnancy.”
“Shit,” said Jazz. She shook her head. “That doesn’t make any sense.”
A door slammed inside. I winced. “Go on. I’m fine. I’m heading back to Devon’s. I’ll just hose the driveway quickly.”
“Please,” said Jazz, looking torn between me and her job. “Just grab some Saltines from the kitchen and go lie down in my room. Soon as I have these two settled down, I’ll clean this and come up and we’ll get to the bottom of what’s going on with you and Jack.”
I wavered.
“Please?”
I swallowed my pride. I was lost and needed some advice right now. “Okay.” I nodded, and we headed inside.
Jazz and Joey had converted part of the attic, my favorite space growing up, into a bedroom-bathroom-living room suite with a small wet bar and refrigerator. I lay on their bed staring up at the white washed rafters. I should have gone to the pharmacy for a pregnancy test, I supposed. But I wasn’t sure there was much point when it was so ... obvious.
“Christ.” Jazz hissed as she slipped through the door of her and Joey’s room and closed it behind her. “That woman. Poor Nicole.”
“What’s she saying?” I asked, rolling to face her.
“It’s not really what she’s saying. Ugh.” Jazz kicked off her shoes. “I don’t even know how to describe it. She’s just difficult and Nicole is walking on eggshells. Anyway, enough about them.” She came to stand next to the bed, hands on her hips, and let out a long sigh. “So you’re sure?”
“I stopped taking my pills for a while, but about a month ago, when I started to notice the distance between us, I just ... I don’t know, I started taking them again.”
“Whoa. Okay. Does Jack know you went back on birth control?”
“We didn’t officially discuss me going off it to begin with except that I’d told him I was ready for marriage and kids, starting with whichever came first. And he knew I’d stopped taking them. I don’t know if he noticed that I started again, but he saw me take one a few days ago, and maybe I imagined it, but he seemed to get really tense after.”
“Okay, but if you’re back on them, are you really sure you’re pregnant?”
“I would have started my period by now. Latest by today. I just know, okay?”
“Says the girl who’s never been pregnant before.”
“True.”
“Did you know?” I asked. Jazz had gotten pregnant just after high school and miscarried. She hadn’t told me for years, which I’d been sad about at the time. But she hadn’t told me because it was Joey’s, and she hadn’t wanted to risk driving a wedge between my brother and me.
“I was miscarrying before I knew I was pregnant. But I was eighteen, and I guess we know our bodies better now than we did then.” She climbed onto the bed and lay down next to me.
We both looked down at my flat belly.
Then she reached out a hand and rested it over my sweater. “There could be a little lima bean with eyes in there,” she said, making me smile. “How do you think Jack will react? Surely this will help him get his head back together.”
I swallowed. “There’s n
o way I can tell him, Jazz. He thinks he might end up hurting me or our future kids.”
“What? Jack? That makes no sense.”
“Agreed.” I let out a humorless laugh. “But the point is, if I told him I was pregnant, he’d probably feel compelled to do the quote unquote right thing. But this doubt he has about himself would always be out there. Then it would become my doubt too, that he married me because he had to. He needs to deal with this problem he’s having without knowing I’m pregnant.” I’d come to this conclusion while waiting for Jazz.
Jazz pursed her lips, her eyes full of concern. “But what if he never does? Deal with it, I mean?”
I flinched.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “But if he can’t get past this issue he’s having ... you can’t hide this pregnancy from him. It’ll go quickly from keeping it a secret for now to outright lying to his face.”
“I know.” I nodded, exhaling on a wave of sadness and frustration. “I know.”
“Okay, tell me exactly what he said.”
I told her about my conversation with Jack the previous evening.
“Hmm,” she said. “Do you mind me asking specifics? Just what the hell kind of man was his father that Jack’s freaking out like this?”
I sighed. I had a few stories Jack had shared with me—how he’d gotten the severe burn on his hip, for example, that was now covered with a large dragon tattoo. “I can’t explain everything. I guess when the movie comes out, you’ll have more of an idea. Let’s just say that his dad abused his mom, mentally and physically, and when she tried to run, he found them, and when she tried to hide Jack, he tried to abduct him so he could use Jack to get her back.”
“Oh my God,” Jazz whispered.
“Yeah,” I said. “And now he thinks he might have some of his father’s craziness in his personality.”
“But that’s ridiculous. What does Devon say?”
“I’m not sure Devon knows how Jack’s been with me. It started so subtly, anyway. He’s been putting on a good front. He could have easily fooled everyone else.”
“Maybe you should talk to Devon then. Just check to see he hasn’t noticed it too. And maybe he could talk to Jack.”
I sighed. “I guess. But I’m not sure how Jack would react to me discussing our relationship problems with his friend.”
“Look, if anyone’s close to this situation it’s Devon. To you guys as a couple, and also with the movie. Monica and Devon may have known Jack longer, but you four are all friends now.”
“But what can he do? The last thing I want is anyone convincing Jack to get married.”
“Not convince him to marry you. I know for an absolute fact he wants to marry you. You have to trust me on this.” She gave me a warning look and went on. “Maybe this movie has just given him cold feet. Talking to Devon could be good. It may help Jack see he’s just processing his father, but he’s not his father.”
What Jazz said made sense.
“Or wait,” she said and abruptly came up on an elbow. “What about Charlotte? Can you call Jack’s mom?”
“Oh my God, no. I’m not calling Jack’s mother to complain Jack won’t marry me.”
“Not for that, silly. Just to get her insight into Jack’s dad, and maybe she’d be able to tell him he’s not like his father at all.”
“But what if he is a little like his father? I mean, it’s his father. I don’t think he is. At all. But what if she can’t be convincing? It will make it worse.”
“You don’t know that.”
“But you know he wants to marry me. Or did, anyway.”
“He does,” she said and squeezed my hand. “I’m sure.”
I blew out a breath. “Dammit. I’m so hungry. When does Joey get home?”
Jazz looked at her watch. “He’s probably on the way.”
“Any chance he can pick us up some burgers?” I stretched my mouth down in a mock “eeek” face.
“What about Jack? You can’t start avoiding him already. This is what I’m talking about with not telling him about being pregnant.”
“Jazz, you know me,” I argued. “I would never willingly keep something from him. You of all people know I’m useless at keeping secrets from those I love. But this one could utterly destroy any chance I have to help him get over what’s going on in his head.”
“Well, then you better go help him get over it. Go talk to Devon. Do something. You can’t stay here for burgers. You need to deal with this.”
I sat up. “No one will feed me.” I pouted.
“Don’t even say you’re eating for two yet.”
“I was totally about to say that.” I puffed up my cheeks.
“I know, dumbass. Nice try.”
“But, I’m legit hungry,” I whined.
“So text Jack and pick up dinner for both of you. Then you two need to talk. Why don’t you point out to him how he’s never displayed any patterns or warning signs of the kind of behavior that says he could go crazy?”
“Great point,” I agreed. “I can definitely think of some examples to show him he’s never displayed any tendency to be violent toward me or been overly possessive in an unhealthy way.”
“And look, if you guys want to head back to Daufuskie for a few days so you can talk, we’ll all totally understand. I can handle the wedding stuff.”
“You mean you can put off my surprise birthday party?”
Jazz raised her eyebrows.
“That’s what you and Jack were planning, wasn’t it?”
She frowned at me. “Uh, yes. Now go fix it.”
Feeling marginally better about the situation with Jack now that I had a plan, I texted Devon and offered to pick up burgers for him and Monica too.
One hurdle at a time. Until Jack and I had talked, I was going to do everything I could to forget about the fact that I was very probably pregnant.
Calling in an order for four burgers with fries straight to the Snapper Grill, I was back at the beach house within an hour. Paulie, a friend, my ex-boss, and the owner of the restaurant, had loaned me an insulated pack to carry the burgers in my bike basket.
The sound of voices told me Jack was in the study with Monica and Devon.
I set down the burgers on the kitchen counter. “Hey guys,” I called out. “Burgers have arrived.”
“We’re in here,” called Jack.
I unwound my scarf. My knuckles were cold from riding my bike in the sharp, fall wind.
The study was darker than the rest of the house, painted a deep gray. Monica and Devon had two mid-century desks pushed together, where they both worked facing each other. Devon sat there now, his desk chair pulled sideways toward the room at large. The rest of the study was taken up by shelves, two love seats, and a window out to the dunes.
Jack rose from one of the sofas as I came in, unfolding his tall frame. He was dressed in his favorite distressed jeans and a bottle green hoodie. My heart expanded in my chest. This man. Oh my God, I was carrying the seed of this man in my womb. There could be a little Jack inside me right now. My palm skated across my belly, then stopped as soon as I realized what I was doing. I forced what I hoped was a carefree smile. Jack, clearly attuned to my expressions, frowned briefly as he came in for a peck on my lips. He probably thought my fake smile was about our talk last night. He squeezed my hand. “Hey,” he said softly. “I missed you today.”
I squeezed his hand back as I plopped down on the sofa. “Wow, long day,” I said on a sigh. Forgetting what was growing inside me was going to be impossible.
“Hi.” Monica sat opposite, crossed legged in leggings with bare feet and a glass of wine. “I finally got these two to do some actual work this afternoon. They played Dragon Epoch on the Xbox all morning. Wastrels.”
“I can’t help it,” Jack said. “Adam, the guy who wrote the game, just asked me to try out the new update before its release. Who says no to that?”
“Exactly,” agreed Devon.
Monica took a sip of wine. “I
forgot you guys know Adam Drake. A gaming billionaire that’s actually hot. Hot nerdy! He. Is. Fine.” She winked at Devon. “Not that you have anything to worry about, honey.”
“Damn right.” Devon shook his head. “Especially, since he’s marrying the love of his life on New Year’s Eve.”
“Speaking of weddings,” said Monica, looking back at me. “How’s the wedding planning going?”
The question was jarring. I traded a quick glance with Jack before I could stop myself and hoped my look didn’t seem too heavy with sad irony. Irony that I was planning someone else’s wedding the day after Jack told me he wasn’t sure he wanted to get married.
“Great. Well,” I amended. “Great, but busy, because it’s all so last minute. Luckily, it’s small, and they have the budget to pay a premium for the last minute notice. Weddings are usually planned in months, and we’re doing this in weeks. I placed an order for two hundred pheasant tail feathers today. Don’t ask.”
“It’ll be good practice for you guys when you start planning yours.” Monica’s laugh tinkled. “If you have months to plan the press will be all over it. Stealthy and fast. That’s the way to do it!”
I fought not to look at Jack. “Makes sense,” I said breezily. “So what are you all discussing?”
Jack’s hand found my thigh, its warmth radiating through my jeans. The feel of it hurt my heart.
“So, Jack,” Devon said, “will probably be in South Africa next summer, filming.”
Wait, another movie?
“Next summer,” I managed. “That’s, um, great.”
Jack frowned. “You can come. You should, actually. Maybe Jazz will want to come for a visit too? She has friends there, right?”
I nodded. Next summer was eight months away. Less than a year and I could be a mother. Actually, I could probably be a single mother. Jack would be away filming, and I’d be here having our baby. I swallowed.
“Are you okay?” Monica was peering at me, her face marred with concern.
I shook my head. “I’m just ... I’m hungry. Starving.”
“Let’s eat then,” she said and stood up. “Nothing worse than a cold, soggy, French fry.”