If Only
McKenzie Cousins Book 5
Lexi Buchanan
Contents
McKenzie Family Tree
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Dear Reader
Acknowledgments
Other books by Lexi Buchanan
Stryker, MMA Romantic Suspense
Come Back to Me
Summer at Rose Cottage, Cozy Romantic Mystery
Twenty Eight Days, Romantic Suspense
About the Author
Copyright © 2018 by Lexi Buchanan
All rights reserved.
No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.
Published by HFCA Publishing House
http://www.lexibuchanan.com
http://ronajameson.com
McKenzie Family Tree
Elias and Pippa McKenzie
* * *
Lucien & Sabrina (Entice #4)
Alexander ~ Paige McKenzie (MC#4, Kissing Cousins)
Olivia
* * *
Michael & Lily (Seduce #1, The Wedding #1.5)
Michael Jr ~ Brooke Jordan (MC#2, A Business Decision)
Charlotte ~ Tanner Jackson (MC#3, Secret Kisses)
Sirena ~ Garrett Hudson (1 son - Elias Michael James Hudson - 1 daughter - McKenna Lily Hudson ~ MC#1, Baby Makes Three)
Joshua
* * *
Sebastian & Carla (Rapture #2)
Madison ~ Derek Jackson (MC#5 If Only)
Dylan
* * *
Ruben & Rosie (Delight #3)
Ryan
Sofia
Jaxon
* * *
Ramon & Noah (Cherished #5)
Paige
Rachel ~ Alexander McKenzie (MC#4, Kissing Cousins)
1
Madison
The sun had set hours ago, but I’m still in the same place, sitting in the lovely old rocking chair on the back porch of Derek Jackson’s home. The blanket keeps the chill away, but nothing can bring me out of the gloom I’ve sunk into.
After visiting my cousin Paige in Boston, she’s weighing heavily on my mind. The McKenzie’s are a close family, which makes me sad that Paige hasn’t mentioned to anyone about what she’s been going through.
Not only has she had a hysterectomy without any family support, but she has also had one round of chemo. It breaks my heart that she had to go through that alone. I know she hadn’t wanted to worry us, but we’re her family. We’re supposed to stick together and be there for each other no matter what. I’m still struggling to get my head around it all.
Sickness is only supposed to happen to other people. Not my family. I know that sounds cruel, but others suffering probably wonder ‘why me’ and not someone else. I guess it’s just human nature.
I tug the blanket up around my neck and move my hand to gently rub at my brow, willing the throb behind my temples to subside. It does no good, which means I’m going to have to call it a night and head up to my room for some Tylenol.
“I thought you’d already gone up to bed?” Derek says, moving to stand in front of me, leaning a hip against the porch.
I wonder how long he’s been standing in the doorway behind me before he’d decided to make his presence known.
“I did. I couldn’t sleep, so I decided to watch the sun set.” I shrug. “I enjoy sitting out here.”
Derek studies me before looking off into the distance, not that he can see anything with the darkness having already settled in. I can see him though. Just looking at him causes a deep ache.
I hadn’t been able to stop thinking about him after we’d met at Sirena and Garrett’s wedding. It wasn’t until my other cousin, Charlotte, had brought her fiancé home that I’d spent a brief time with Derek. He’s different to everyone I’ve ever met before, and so much older than I should take interest in. Something that my brother likes to remind me of on a regular basis.
Derek doesn’t look like he’s in his late forties, but he is. He’s only a couple of years older than Garrett. My way of thinking is if Sirena can fall in love with an older man then why can’t I?
He’s taller than me, with strong features. His dark hair is cropped short and when he turns his dark Gray eyes to me, my knees weaken and goose bumps trail over my skin. At one point I’d thought that he really couldn’t tolerate me, but I was so wrong. I realize that now. Or rather I’d realized after my cousin, Rachel, had pointed it out to me.
Except Derek has decided to ignore the attraction between us and has started going out with Dee. From the gossip I’ve heard, she only moved into the area three months ago and has been after Derek right from the start.
She’s okay I guess. Certainly, much closer to his age than I am. Twenty plus years isn’t all that much when you really think about it. At least that’s what I tell myself, but it obviously is too big of a gap for Derek to handle.
Twice a week I have to sit through dinner at the house while she whittles on about everything and nothing. I’m not sure Derek even pays attention. I certainly don’t.
As I watch him standing with his back to me, a tear falls, running down my cheek. Being here isn’t doing anything positive for me anymore. All I’m doing is hurting myself by watching the man I’ve fallen for, date someone else. I’ve seen him kiss her cheek as he sees her to her car after dinner, and sometimes I wonder whether he’s holding back for my benefit. I don’t want to think about it anymore.
I need to concentrate on the paintings he’s commissioned me to do and then leave. Hopefully I’ll be able to get on with my life when I get away from here. Maybe I’ll head back to Boston and be there for Paige. We could help each other. Although I have a feeling the guy who’d refused to leave her room, once she had finally allowed him inside, would have something to say about that. He certainly wanted to be wherever Paige was.
Someday, I want to find that. A man who isn’t ashamed to be with me. Someone who will look at me the way that Garrett looks at Sirena—as though she’s his whole world. I don’t think I’ll ever get that here. Derek can’t seem to get past the age difference enough to even be friendly with me. All I get is grunts in response to questions. He couldn’t care less.
Glancing at him one last time, I say, “I’m going to bed.”
His head snaps around, and then a frown appears across his brows. “What’s wrong?”
He steps toward me.
I take a step away, shaking my head. “Nothing.” I clear my throat from the emotional lump I’ve been trying to swallow. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Before he can say anything else, I dash inside and up to my room. With the door closed, I turn the lock and slowly slide down to the floor. My tears are no longer contained, and they flow freely down my face. My shoulders shake while I try to muffle the sound of my anguish. My tears are for Paige because seeing her looking so sick had scared me to death, which I hope I’d hidden well. I’m also crying because for the first time, in a very long time, I feel alone. Just once it would be nice to have someone wrap his arms aroun
d me and hold me tight. Someone who cares about my pain.
2
Derek
Waiting for my first cup of coffee of the day to brew in the Keurig, I rub the tiredness from my eyes. I haven’t slept well in forever, letting Madison go up to bed last night when there had clearly been something wrong had taken everything out of me.
I’d wanted to make her tell me what was going on. Why she was so sad. My conscience insisted that I was to blame, but something told me it was more than the distance I had put between us. I know that doesn’t help, especially when I refuse to acknowledge it because of our age difference. There is something more going on though.
When I’d spoken to my son Tanner yesterday, he’d asked how Madison was and had hinted that something was wrong. He’d disconnected before I could ask him further questions.
I’d wanted to ask Madison last night but seeing her so vulnerable, I knew I wouldn’t have been able to stay away from her. It’s damn tiring having her underfoot, and I’m not even sure what I was thinking when I invited her into my home. Or maybe I did. Madison is a breath of fresh air and just being near her makes me crave things that I haven’t even thought about in a very long time. It’s my feelings for her that had me asking Dee to dinner—and now I’m in a pickle. Dee drives me crazy and not in the same way as Madison does. Oh, no. Dee drives everyone crazy with her high-pitched laughter, and her constant chatter about herself and her daughter.
The more I think about it, the more I realize it’s about time I man up and tell Dee I’m no longer interested. Not that I ever really was to begin with. She had been an excuse to keep me away from Madison. I slide a hand down my face and sigh loudly wondering how the hell my life had become quite so complicated. I haven’t been involved with anyone for years and now I’m craving a twenty-five-year-old. I’m losing my mind.
Grabbing the coffee that now sits in my favorite mug at the Keurig, I pour creamer into the dark liquid and drop sluggishly into a chair at the kitchen table. Breakfast will follow shortly, but coffee is what kickstarts my day.
I value this time before I start work and it usually allows me to clear my head, except as I take a sip from my cup, I find Madison in the doorway in her usual attire of fitted leggings, some kind of fitted vest top, and a T-shirt. Her long dark hair is loose, falling softly over her shoulders with soft wisps framing her face. She’s so beautiful that my breath catches in the back of my throat.
She eyes the coffee with longing and I think I’m actually insulted. Clearing my throat, I nod toward the Keurig. “Help yourself.”
“Thanks,” she mumbles.
I frown noticing the dark circles under her eyes.
They probably match mine.
“Madison,” I say and wait until I have her attention, “if you need to talk, I’m here for you.” I’m not sure whether my offer is wise or not, but I can’t bear to see her looking so upset.
She nods gently and when she has her cup of coffee she joins me at the table, which surprises me. Since I’ve been an ass and had Dee coming to dinner, Madison has avoided breakfast with me as though I have the plague.
Madison takes her coffee black and when she softly blows on the warm coffee before taking a sip, I find myself unable to move. My body tightens and unless I think of something to shatter the obvious arousal, I’m not going to be able to move any time soon.
“Paige is sick,” Madison blurts out, finally meeting my gaze.
At least those words put the fire out.
“How sick?” I carefully ask.
Her eyes fill with tears that she rapidly tries to blink away. Her coffee cup goes onto the table while she swipes at the waterfall flowing from her eyes.
Nothing else matters right now, so I quickly grab the roll of kitchen towels and tear a couple off to pass to her. I pull out a chair beside her and tug her into my arms. “You’re not alone Maddie,” I whisper softly against the top of her head.
While she cries, I hold her close and offer whatever comfort she needs, hoping I’m helping her in some small way. She has no family close, so it’s the least I can do. At least that’s what I tell myself. I swallow hard and I’m almost afraid to admit how much I’m enjoying having her clinging to me. If I weren’t so hung up with the differences between us, she’d have been in my arms months ago, and certainly not in a platonic way.
I patiently wait for the tears to stop and that’s when Madison says, “Paige can no longer have children.”
I frown wondering what Tanner hasn’t told me. My son would have told me if a member of Charlotte’s family were sick. So why hadn’t he?
Madison inhales and slowly lifts her face, searching my gaze. “She’s going to be okay.” She glances away and moves back into her own space.
Unable to let her go completely, I take hold of her hands and wait, knowing she has more to say—to get off of her chest.
“She got sick and she knew that there was a risk of them having to take everything away during the surgery, which they did. She’s now having radiotherapy to make sure they got all of the … cancer.” She licks her lips as tears fill her eyes again. “She didn’t tell anyone, Derek. We only found out because her dads noticed there was something different, they visited her to find out what was going on.”
“Why wouldn’t she want her family there with her, to support her?” I ask.
“She didn’t want to worry anyone.” Madison offers a wry smile. “Turns out she isn’t as tough as she’d like to think. She loved having us all show up. I think she was a bit embarrassed because of the hair loss too.” She smiles. “I bought her a selection of brightly colored scarfs.” She chuckles. “The look on her face. Paige hates bright colors. But you know what, I think she loved them. She looked amazing in them.”
I stroke the back of her hand with my thumb, enjoying the sensation. Madison watches for a few moments and then she tells me, “One of Dylan’s friends was at Paige’s side. Once she let him into her room, Seth refused to leave.” She smiles whimsically. “I think he’s going to be the one to help her get through everything that she’s facing.”
“Having someone there with her must be a relief to everyone.” I smile softly.
“It is.” She pulls her hands free to my disappointment and runs them through her hair. “Ramon and Noah are staying in Boston until she’s out of the hospital. I think they plan on taking her home to Lexington then.” She shrugs. “I’m not sure she’ll want to go home by then when I’m sure Seth will have to stay in Boston … and I’ll be back home before then,” she whispers, taking another sip of coffee.
The thought of her being anywhere but at my ranch doesn’t sit too well with me, but it’s certainly something I need to get over.
Moving away from the table, I wash my cup and place it on the drainer. “I’m going to get dressed for the day, and then I can make some pancakes for breakfast.” I lift a brow. “We both need more than coffee to set us up for the day.”
She nods. “I’d love some pancakes.” She becomes serious. “Thank you for listening. Just telling you what was going on has really helped me. Made me realize that Paige is going to be okay. Really okay.”
“Anytime you need to talk, Maddie, I’m here. I mean that.” Before I follow my instinct to grab her up in my arms, I quickly turn and head to my room, but then I smile. We technically have a date over pancakes. Not sure what the hell I’m doing, I pause, but remembering the sadness on her face makes me more determined. I’ll do anything to stop her hurting … except what we both want the most.
3
Madison
The aroma of buttermilk pancakes wafts from the griddle to my nose making it twitch. “You’re making my favorite.” I smile brightly, heading into the kitchen.
Derek slightly turns and offers his own soft smile. “I may have had inside information on that.”
His comment makes me pause, but the fact that he’s going to the trouble of making my favorite tells me a lot about him—he cares, a lot more than he wants to admit
.
Moving closer, I dip my head and closing my eyes, inhale. “Mmm, so good.” When I open my eyes, the look on Derek’s face surprises me. I briefly catch longing cross his features before he hides behind a stern mask of his own making. His jaw is tense and a pulse ticks strongly in his neck as I watch him.
A throat being cleared behind us, snaps me out of the haze I’d dropped into and I turn. Dee enters looking as elegant as always and saunters over to Derek. She pushes past me and greets him with a kiss to his lips. Derek blushes, his jaw continuing to tick as he removes Dee’s hands from his chest.
“Why don’t you sit down and join us for breakfast?” he grumbles, seeming uncomfortable.
My heart sinks at the thought of Miss. Perfect joining us and if I’m guessing correctly, she’s just as irritated at having me here.
“Can’t we eat a meal alone for once?” she grumbles.
At least I keep quiet.
“No. Madison needs to eat breakfast.” Derek places the pancakes into the center of the table and indicates for us to help ourselves.
“Is this all you’ve made?” Dee asks. “I can’t eat pancakes.”
If Only: McKenzie Cousins Book 5 Page 1