by Pynk
“Thanks, Teela.” Brandi still looked stone-faced. She then said out of the blue, “I’m not usually one to tell, but I think I should let Miki know something.”
“What?”
“The night we met Tariq and I told you I knew him. Well, he’s a cross-dresser. I did him one night when I was on the streets, and he was dressed like a straight-up bitch, getting off on schoolgirl role playing.”
Teela’s eyes expanded. She poked her head forward. “Are you kidding me?”
“Not even. Will you tell her?”
“Oh no, I don’t think so. It shouldn’t come from me, if it should be said at all. I don’t know.”
“Well. I just had to say that.”
“Good-bye.” Teela hung up, then ran her fingers through the back of her hair and stood, taking departing steps, seeming confused as she looked back.
“Bye,” Brandi mouthed while hanging up.
And as the guard approached, Brandi still watched Teela and gave a single wave as she walked away. Free.
The guard took Brandi by her arm. Still locked up.
She walked slowly, thinking about how her Camaro alter ego had heard the voice saying she was unlovable.
It was the voice that tapped against her childhood.
And Brandi realized her heart heard it, too.
That voice was why her heart had been broken.
She walked back to her solo cell and said in response to the Serenity Prayer that was still in her head, “I accept. I surrender. Amen.”
And she prayed for an unbroken heart.
24
“Insatiable Woman”
Sexaholics
It was Tuesday, and another Sexaholics meeting had arrived. Seven members showed up—all except Brandi, of course, and Dwayne and Miki. Not that their reasons were in any way related. It was Dwayne’s birthday, and Miki had a date with Robert.
With a half hour left to go, after discussing whether or not sex with spouses was allowed throughout detox, and after two members shared their experiences over the past two weeks, Rachel Cummings decided to ask Valencia, “So, how’s it going with your willpower? I mean as far as abstaining from pushing the limits.” Teela sat right next to her, looking glum.
“I’ve failed.” Valencia’s face was empty.
“I wouldn’t use that word. Nothing is ever over. Failure is not an option or a word to consider. There’s always another way and another day.”
“Well, today I’m no longer engaged. My ex-fiancé found out some things and he couldn’t deal with it any longer.”
“Like what? Would you mind sharing?”
“Like, he found out I was having sex with a woman I had feelings for.”
“So was it just that you were having sex with her, or was it that you crossed the line into feelings?”
“Both. He tried to pretend he could deal with the girl-on-girl every now and then, but he was threatened by our connection.”
“Some men are like that, especially when you’re engaged to them. They’ll play with two girls, but when they prepare to marry you, if they’re the type to wed a woman due to virtue issues, to them another woman is cheating. It’s adultery.”
“But we had a deal. He changed his mind.”
“I can tell this really hurts you. What you must do is really try to stop beating yourself up. People have opinions and experiences, and the way we look at things is our individual viewpoint. His viewpoint and your viewpoint differed. That doesn’t make him bad or you bad.”
“Bad is exactly how I feel. I feel like I’m worthless. Like I have no morals. Like I never will be worth marrying. I’ll never settle down and have a family.”
“Valencia. Was it just about your girl? Or something else?”
“We used to have sex with other people all the time. He’d watch me fuck other men right in front of him. But this time, he found out I had sex with my girl and her man. He broke it off with me and I haven’t heard from him.” Valencia’s eyes were cloudy.
“So, it’s about infidelity in his eyes.”
“This man has a masturbation fetish that I could call infidelity, too. I mean he lusts after anything and everyone. But we met under these circumstances. We’re both freaky. I know who he is. I know what he craves. I loved that freak in him. And I thought he loved the freak in me. I guess I didn’t meet his standards of virtue. Not enough to be his wife, anyway.”
“And so I guess whatever deal you two had must have changed for him. In his eyes you probably violated the terms.”
Valencia shook her head and gave an exasperated sigh.
“Valencia, the fourth, fifth, and sixth steps apply. Number four is to make fearless personal inventory of ourselves. We all must do that without blame of anyone else, including ourselves, but we must be fearless in what we might find about ourselves. You must take inventory of Valencia. And fifth, admit to God, to yourself, and to another human being the exact nature of your wrongs. Whoever that another human being is, is up to you. But you must verbalize it out loud because you can’t heal what you don’t acknowledge. And sixth, be entirely ready to have God remove all your defects of character. All of them. Be ready and ask. Seek and ye shall find. You’re here. You have sought. And so, you shall find. But not overnight. These rules will be flushed out and broken down and repeated and broken and recommitted to and spoken of again, and again, and again. Know this. And not only know better, but be better so you can do better. Really look over your twelve steps, not only here but when you’re at home, at the doctor’s office, at work. Reinforce and know it. It can and will save your life.”
Valencia leaned forward. “Can I start with the fifth one tonight, please?”
“You can start wherever you want. There’s no real order. Only that you focus on getting all twelve.”
“Okay.” She leaned her elbows along her thighs. “I guess I really do think I’m this adult who tries to distract herself from what’s normal with what’s abnormal, like I did when I was a little girl. What’s abnormal is comfortable to me. I tell myself I want normalcy, but sometimes I think I don’t deserve it, so I screw it up. I guess I just can’t say no to my weird thinking. When I have sex, I don’t think or care about anyone who would not approve. I don’t even really think about sex itself. I just do it. It’s like it’s all body and no mind. I was a lonely child. And now, even when I’m with people, I still feel lonely. When I’m having sex, it’s the only thing that means something. I guess at some point I learned if no one wanted me, I was nothing. My parents, who were murdered when I was twenty-one, didn’t want me. And it’s not like they gave me up to anyone else, but maybe they should’ve. And most Puerto Ricans are very family-oriented with strong ties. Unlike her strong-willed mamma, my mamma was passive and followed my poppa’s lead, no matter what. She had very few maternal instincts. I took a backseat to their place of business. I was latchkey without a key. They didn’t even lock the doors. From the age of nine, I cooked, bathed, cleaned, let myself in, walked to school, put myself to bed, and did most things I wasn’t supposed to do, too. I felt empty and alone. I say some things are not better left alone. And I was one of them.
“I would always watch my parent’s dirty movies when I was a child, and believe me, they had a ton of them. The X-rated feelings distracted me and eased my loneliness. I couldn’t wait for my mamma and poppa to leave so I could be alone with my pornos and masturbate. The people in the dirty movies were wild and loose and free, and they didn’t judge my ordinary life. I can kind of understand anyone who gets off by masturbating. But today, I crave more of the turn-on. It turns me on, turning someone else on, especially if it’s kinky. I got addicted to that shit. I’m always thinking of it. Turning someone else on by doing what I can to get them off is intoxicating. I guess you could say if I had to take inventory, all of that spells out the exact nature of my wrongs. I guess right now I’m too broken to be devoted to one man. I did fuck up. But maybe someday I can be. I mean I’d like to be.” She leaned back. “And yes
, I’m confessing this out loud to all of you, other people. Other addicts. That where I come from.” Valencia pressed her breath through her lips and looked at Teela.
Teela gave a warm look of approval.
Rachel Cummings took a moment to make sure Valencia was totally finished. She nodded and prompted Valencia’s eyes to meet hers, and she smiled. “Thanks, Valencia. Let’s all say thanks to Valencia.”
“Thanks, Valencia,” everyone said in unison, offering face hugs.
“We say thanks because not only are you helping yourself, you are helping everyone here in one way or another to see themselves through your openness, honesty, and admittance. See, no one is born a sex addict. I’ve said this before. We must face our childhoods as you just faced yours. Sex gives us emotional power and control. So how do we get hold of our own emotional power without sex? Valencia, I’m sure you feel judged by a fiancé who didn’t approve of your choices. But you must approve of your own. You must make the choices that make you proud. And you must be honest about what you’re feeling. For yourself. And for others. You can escape your past by finding strength to forgive your parents so you can be a fully functioning human being. The goal for now is to get healthy sexually. You need to nurture, connect, and love. You have to have a sense of worth and make emotional attachments that are mutually compatible. The one with your ex-fiancé was not. It’s time to change that. I know it’s true that we learn what we live, but the time to heal is now. You are here. That’s the biggest step. Your sharing is appreciated.
“By the way, we have a member who is going through an example of what can happen when we continue to lose control over our lust and our lives. Eventually, we can lose it all. Let us all pray for Brandi. Please hold hands and bow your heads.
“Dear Lord, Please bless Brandi’s soul and deliver her. Keep her strong and let your will be done. Amen.”
“Amen,” the members said together.
“Now, in Brandi’s honor, we should mention the next few steps which include taking personal inventory when we’re wrong. Admitting it right away. Next, praying and meditating to improve our conscious contact with God. We’ll talk more about how to do that later. And the last one is to have a spiritual awakening as a result of all of the steps that we learn. In that, we carry this message to others, and constantly practice what we preach. Good night. See you all in two weeks. Stop lusting and become sober.”
The members all said, “Stop lusting and become sober.”
Rachel Cummings had Teela’s attention especially.
25
“Take You Down”
Miki
Later that evening, Miki wore the timeless gold diamond tennis bracelet Robert had just clasped upon her left wrist. It jingled, as did his gold neck chain and charm, as they ground upon each other. His grind was out of a longing lust for a young lover to remind him of his youth; hers was out of an appreciative receivership, knowing exactly what she’d been telling herself, it was what it was.
And as usual, Robert wore a rubber and a brass cock ring on his rock-hard penis to slow the flow of blood and make his sometimes dysfunctional erection last longer. Unlike the rumor that all white men go down, this man did not go to the pussy promised land. Again, Miki had accepted it.
Robert said with a deep voice, “If I could just fuck you morning, noon, and night, you’d never have to work another day in your life.” The vociferous sentence spoken out of sheer ecstasy sounded like a pornographic offer and a sugar-daddy promise.
The room was chic and dark and modern, with gray and red and white artwork. A small golden fluorescent light shone over their bare bodies from the corner of the huge room near the hardwood Asian platform bed.
“Is that so?” Miki spoke softer than he did. She was all ears while riding Robert, bouncing upon his thin but firm frame while he watched her ex-stripper fuck skills through the wall-to-wall beveled mirror in suite 4118 at The W Hotel. Robert had strategically adjusted the cream-colored, padded settee so that he could get a down-home view of himself being fucked by his hot tenderoni, Miki Summers.
“I’m telling you. Just say the word and I will move you into my Newport Beach house, and you and T.J. will never have to want for anything. I’m serious, Miki. I want you.” He spoke to her back, then caught another glimpse of her round-the-way girl moves through the mirror.
Miki watched herself in the mirror, too, pumping him all the way back to his brass ring. “You don’t want me. You just want this sweet pussy, that’s all.”
“This pussy is good, but it’s all about you. You’ve been available to me for years, and it’s time to go to another level. I’m not getting any younger. My money can be your money.”
“And what would I have to do?” she asked, getting her serious grind on.
He spoke a notch lower. “Just understand about my wife. You know the deal. She’s sick. A man has needs. Just be available to me by living with me. I wouldn’t be able to be there all the time. But when I am, you’d get all my attention.”
“So I’d be your hideaway mistress, then?”
“I wouldn’t call it that.”
“What would you call it? And why are we having this conversation while you’re fucking me, Bob?” She bounced upon him aggressively to accentuate her question and his eyes shut tight. He grunted and looked like he was holding his breath.
Even as Robert obviously focused upon fighting the timing of his normally premature orgasm, hoping the ring worked, Miki straddled the settee, one leg on each side while he lay on his back in vagina heaven. Her French-manicured toes flexed and pointed along the russet shag carpet. She was facing the other way, and she bent over to grab the wrought-iron side of the bench to brace herself. Still on top, she faced his feet while he stroked her back and grabbed handfuls of her loose booty. Her ass flopping sounded like thunderous, pornographic clapping along his stomach.
Miki placed her right hand between her legs and along her own pink love muscle, stimulating herself manually while his narrow penis stabbed her vagina. She thrust her hips and masturbated. The more she teased her swollen clit, the more she felt a rush begin to travel through her soul. The rush that could bring her to her own peak.
“Damn, you’re so wet today. My balls are dripping wet from this juicy vagina. No dry pussy here.” He sounded as though dry pussy was his norm. He pumped her harder, to the left. “You like this angle, don’t you?”
“Yes.” She watched him watch her.
“Look at you. This is how it should be always. I’ve never met a woman in all my life who can get me off like you. No inhibitions. No hang-ups. Just so damn sexy, Miki. So, so sexy. Heck, I’d have to go to Rio to find a woman like you.”
Miki leaned back a bit and rocked him back and forth with her hips, sliding his white dick in and out of her black pussy with a more side-to-side motion. She rubbed her ass along his pubic area and ground his dick all the way inside.
He slapped her ass and it wiggled in response. “Never seen ass like this before in all my life.” He was in love with it.
“You love that big black ass. You can’t get enough of it, can you?”
“No. Never.” He switched his sights from her ass, to the mirror, to the ceiling, to her ass, and then back to the mirror. “Grab my balls. Grab em.”
She leaned forward again and did as he asked, grabbing him by the testicles, fondling them between her long fingers.
He watched her work. “Grab em. Harder. Squeeze em.”
Miki maneuvered his tawny-colored balls, getting rough like he liked it.
“Ohhhh, that’s it. That’s it. That’s my Miki. Grab them. Grab my balls.”
His voice told her he was deep into his approaching cum-factor. The cock ring was no match for her. Miki squeezed even harder.
“Oooooowwww, yes. Ooooohh, uhhhm, yes.” He jerked his body and let out a high-pitched scream. “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. That’s my bitch.”
Miki ceased her bucking motion and her hand job against his balls. He would
always call her the B word when he came. It was the way it was. She’d gotten used to the routine. He’d either jack off by looking at her ass while she stood in front of him, or they’d take a position where she could grope his balls and get him off the way he needed to. Either way, the name he always called her was bitch. This time, for some reason, she climbed off of him and said nothing.
He didn’t move but said, “There’s some money for you on the dresser. That was amazing.” His breathing worked overtime.
He lay back to calm himself and closed his eyes.
His cell rang six times while Miki got dressed, putting back on her black skirt suit and red heels. He simply lay back, and then he began snoring, resting upon his back with a loose condom half off his limp dick, still breathing hard with a nasally sound.
Miki looked at him again and shook her head. She headed toward the door and his phone rang again. And again. He didn’t move an inch, but he did break out into a loud, foghorn snore as he always did. And that always did drive her nutty.
She left. This time, without taking the money.
He didn’t even notice.
As she exited the elevator and entered the hotel lobby, she was greeted. “Oh, hi, Miki. Wow, you’re here late. I thought you were off already. I was going to call you,” the hotel VP’s executive assistant said. The woman wore cognac eyeglasses and had upswept hair.
“I just had to check on something. Call me about what?” Miki fluffed up the hair on the back of her head with her fingers and then rubbed her under eyes, checking for remnants of stray mascara.
“Miki, Mr. Walton asked me to set up a meeting with you for tomorrow morning. What’s a good time?”
“Maybe late morning.”
“Oh, I know for a fact he’s booked. How about first thing, like nine o’clock?”