by Kate Stacy
I hope he understands it’s not personal.
The things I’m about to tell him…
I’ve never told a single soul.
I’ve never uttered the words.
Never spoke the ugly truth.
Until now.
“He raped me.”
An inferno blazes in Ryan’s eyes, but he doesn’t speak.
“It was the night of graduation. We were all so excited to graduate, so we had to celebrate. I don’t know who organized it,” I shake my head. It doesn’t matter. “There was this huge field party. The entire senior class showed up, probably some underclassmen, too. It was what you’d expect. A huge bonfire. Loud music. Tons of booze. Chad and I had been together for over a year, but I didn’t go to the party with him. I knew he was pissed about it, but I didn’t care. I wanted to celebrate with my sisters, so I told him I’d see him there.”
My vision blurs as tears fill my eyes. With no hope of stopping them, I swat them away as they spill over my lids and slip down my cheeks. Despite my tears, I keep going.
“It was supposed to be a girls’ night of sorts, but Jaxson showed up and stole Madalyn away. I was irritated since going together was her idea. I let it go and tried to have a good time until Presley disappeared too. I found out later that she went home. She’s always been antisocial; she didn’t even want to go to the party. Since my sisters ditched me, I didn’t feel bad about hanging out with Chad instead. He had his truck parked near the bonfire, so I joined him on the tailgate and took the drink he gave me. Drinking wasn’t usually my thing. I didn’t need alcohol to have a good time, but I was pissed at my sisters...and I wanted to celebrate, ya know?”
The steadiness in my voice breaks, cracking under the pressure of my emotions.
My body starts to tremble with the overwhelming need to shut down, to close my mouth before any of my secrets can come tumbling out. But that need is overridden by the true need to get this story out, to tell all my truths, and free myself of some of this weight I’ve been carrying on my own.
Ryan listens silently as I tell him how I danced in the back of Chad’s truck, fully embracing the night. I let go of everything, enjoying the freedom that came along with graduation. Chad disappeared for a few minutes and came back with fresh drinks. I cuddled up to him in the back of the truck and watched our friends and classmates having the time of their lives. I was happy in that moment.
Chad and I made out some. We hadn’t had sex—I was a virgin—but I loved kissing him. I loved the way it made me feel.
I felt Ryan stiffen when I got to that part, but I couldn’t deal with that right now. I had to get the rest of the story out or else I never would.
About halfway through my second drink, I started really feeling the effects of the alcohol. My whole body heated, and I started feeling dizzy and disoriented. I couldn’t believe I got drunk so quickly. It had never happened before, even on those rare occasions when I had a lot to drink. I remember telling Chad I wasn’t feeling well, that I drank too much and wanted to go home.
“I woke up the next morning, more hungover than I’d ever been. I wasn’t in my own bed. I wasn’t alone. I wasn’t wearing a thread of clothing...and I most definitely was no longer a virgin.”
A single glance at Ryan is all it takes for me to see that he’s clearly struggling to hold it together.
That makes two of us.
“He drugged you.”
It’s not a question, but even if it was, it’s not one I can answer with any certainty.
“I don’t know,” I tell him honestly. “My memories of that night are almost nonexistent and the ones I do have are fuzzy, at best.”
“He fucking drugged you.”
The repeated words sound like gravel and growls.
The pitch in his voice dips low, and lower giving me a sudden flashback to our night together, to his bedroom voice. If I wasn’t in the middle of spilling my terrible truths, I know his deep sexy tone would have me ready to combust.
Closing my eyes, I force all thoughts of Ryan from my mind. Now isn’t the time for me to think about him like that. I have to get the rest of this out now or I’ll never be able to finish. If we’re going to move forward together, if he’s going to insist on putting himself out there to protect me—he needs to know.
“Without proof, there was nothing I could do. It would have been my word against his and we all know how that story goes.” A wry chuckle works its way out. “He even had a couple of his friends back up every word he told me. They said they saw it all go down. They said they watched—”
The words get caught in my throat.
Every second that passes makes it harder to breathe.
“They watched him take my virginity like it was some kinda live porn. Told me they got off on the way I begged. God,” I cry. “The things they said. They made it seem like they touched me too...and I’ll never know. I have to live with that feeling of being violated. Of not knowing who’s been inside me, or what else they might have done to my body when I was incapable of protecting myself.”
I close my eyes, not wanting to see the disgust on Ryan’s face now that he knows the truth.
I let my emotions take over. I purge, uncaring about the flow of tears, or the harsh sobs wracking my body. Overwhelmed with a strange combination of relief and fear, I finally let it all out.
There’s a reason I kept this secret for so long.
I always feared the truth would break me.
TWENTY-SIX
Ryan
I pull Camille into my lap.
I know she didn’t want physical contact while she told me what happened in her past, but I’ll be damned if I sit back and do nothing while she breaks down. I can’t sit here and let her suffer this alone.
I hold her. Let her cry. Murmur words of comfort that I’m not even sure she hears.
Eventually, her breathing evens out, her tears slow, she makes no sound other than an occasional sniffle.
I press a kiss to her temple.
I know she has more to tell me, but I’m beginning to wonder if either of us can truly handle anymore tonight. I knew something happened to her in the past to make her so closed off. I even assumed it had something to do with a guy. The truth, the reality? It never crossed my mind.
I have no doubt her ex-boyfriend drugged her. It’s the reason she felt strange after only a couple drinks. It’s the reason she can’t remember. I’ve seen it so many times in my years on the force, especially back in Tampa where bars and clubs have a huge presence.
I fucking hate that this asshole took advantage of her.
It’s been hard for me to reign in my anger while she opened up about her past, but I can’t lash out right now. I won’t be the one to put fear into her. Not when she’s putting so much trust in me. I refuse to take that trust for granted, so I’ve held back almost everything I’ve wanted to say to her. I’ve held back the murderous rage I feel toward this Chad guy.
I’m a million miles away when her sullen words startle me.
“He broke up with me a week later.” Her voice, so quiet I barely hear her. “He...he told me he couldn’t deal with me anymore. That he never really wanted me. I was just a shitty substitute for the girl he really wanted but could never have.”
My brows knit. I want to ask, but I don’t want to interrupt.
Camille shifts against my chest and looks up at me. “Madalyn.”
I don’t bother to hide my shock. “Are you fucking kidding me?”
“I guess it wasn’t enough to look identical to her. He said being with me was like having a cheap knock-off.” She loosely shrugs. “I didn’t see him again after that. I heard he left town for college and that was the end of it. I forced myself to forget what happened and moved on with my life. Only...you can never really forget something like that, can you? I pushed it down, pretended it didn’t affect me, but I couldn’t have predicted all the ways that it would.”
“Christ, Camille. No one should have to go through that shit alone.”
“I didn’t really see another choice at the time. Looking back, I know I should have done things differently, but I handled them the only way I could at the time. I lived my life afraid to put myself out there, afraid to trust anyone who wasn’t family, but I couldn’t even trust them with the truth. I think him using me a substitute for my sister fucked me up more than anything else. I went as far as convincing my sisters that it would be fun to color our hair, but it was really a way to set us all apart. A simple solution to make sure we no longer looked identical.”
“The blue?”
“Yeah. The blue.”
“I thought the blue was hot as fuck. Why’d you change it?” I ask, before realizing how it might sound. I gently tug a lock of her hair. “Not that I don’t like this, too.”
For the first time tonight, I see a trace of a smile on her lips.
“I got tired of pretending to be someone I wasn’t. I was always hiding behind a mask, but the night I met you was the first night I decided to really be myself. I finally felt comfortable enough to put myself out there and I found you. Being with you that night...I proved to myself that my past didn’t destroy me. That I could move on.”
“Glad I could help.”
“Me too,” she says with a smile. “I really am glad it was you. That night was like losing my virginity all over again. The right way. With someone who was my choice.”
My thoughts silence like a record scratch.
Wait. What?
She couldn’t possibly mean?
As if she can read my mind, she nods.
“You are the first—and only—person I’ve been with since him.”
I suddenly feel like a fish out of water, and the way my jaw keeps opening and closing with no sound coming out makes me look like one too, I’m sure. I have no fucking idea how to react. I’m only the second person she’s ever been with? My God, the way she responded to my touch the night we met. It makes so much sense now. Even then, I was convinced she didn’t have much experience, but I’d no idea it was only her second time having sex. I can’t believe she wasn’t with anyone in all that time.
“But yeah,” she continues. “He did a number on me, especially when it came to me and my sisters. Not long after everything happened with him, Mads and Jax got into an accident and she lost their baby. I didn’t realize before then, but I was bitter. Her situation brought out all types of feelings I didn’t know I had. I resented my sister and her relationship with Jaxson. She had this guy who was totally head-over-heels, crazy in love with her, so willing to fight for her and protect her...and she forced him out of her life. I would have given anything to have someone like that back then, but instead...I got Chad and all the fucked-up things he did to me.”
“Now you have me.”
And she does.
Unconditionally and irrevocably.
I’m hers.
I understand her better now.
Listening to her tonight has been one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done, but I finally understand. Her lack of trust, especially in men, makes absolute sense to me. I even understand her hesitancy to let me in at first. And her uncertainty about whether I genuinely wanted her and not just the babies? That couldn’t be any clearer.
I consider myself lucky to be the man she finally opened up to, the one she finally let into her heart. No, neither of us have made any declarations of love tonight, but I know she trusts me.
It’s enough for now.
TWENTY-SEVEN
Camille
Sinking down into the mass of bubbles, I let out a heavy sigh as the warmth of the water washes over my sensitive skin. This is exactly what I needed to relax my tired muscles and relieve me of some of the aches and pains that come along with pregnancy.
Leaning my head back, I close my eyes and listen to the faint sound of rap music coming from the kitchen. It’s all Ryan listens to, and while I’m usually not a fan, it’s starting to grow on me. The house is otherwise quiet, both Hannah and Adam gone for the night. Hannah is at a sleepover with a couple of her friends. I don’t know where Adam is, but then again, I didn’t ask. I can’t say I’m not curious, but he’s a grown man and it’s none of my business.
Ryan and I decided to take advantage of the empty house, enjoying a quiet night in. He cooked dinner for the two of us, and despite my protests, he insisted on cleaning up afterward. Once he nudged me toward his bedroom and suggested I relax in the tub for a while, I had no further arguments. I’d have to be insane to turn down an offer like that.
Little did I know, Ryan’s been holding out on me. If I’d have known the master bathroom had a huge garden tub, I might not have been so quick to insist on having my own room when I moved in. Truth be told, I think I’m more than ready to make that change. I only need to tell him.
I feel closer to Ryan than ever. Since I laid myself bare the other night, he now knows all my secrets. All the deep, dark truths I’ve kept hidden from the rest of the world.
And it didn’t change a single thing.
Though, that’s not entirely true.
He’s even more fierce in protecting me now that he knows about my past.
It’s impossible for me to deny that there’s something real between the two of us.
We’ve always had this insane chemistry, but my feelings for him go so much deeper. I know now, without a doubt, that Ryan is nothing like my asshole of an ex. Nothing like my sister’s psychotic ex-husband.
Ryan is one of the good ones. He’s someone I can count on, someone I can feel secure giving my absolute trust. He really is an incredible man. Caring and protective. Patient and kind. I adore the way he loves his daughter. I can’t wait to watch him give that same affection to our babies.
I love him.
I’ve known for a while, but his reaction to hearing about my past pushed away all my doubts and cemented my feelings. I’m not ready to voice those three words to him, but I won’t lie to myself anymore. I’m in so deep.
Tapping at the bathroom door draws me out of my reverie.
“Can I come in?”
“Sure.”
There’s no use in denying him entry.
Even with my stomach protruding like a beach ball—I’m not ashamed of my body. He’s seen it all before. There’s more of me to love now. Not to mention, between my feelings for him and my pregnancy hormones, I’m more than ready to stop holding him at arm’s length.
Besides, I’m gonna need some help getting my ass up out of this tub.
He opens the door and peeks his head in, a wide smile on his beautiful face.
That fucking smile.
It gets me every time. Those deep laugh lines are so damn sexy.
Opening the door fully, he comes into the bathroom, and straight to me. His eyes don’t leave me as he crosses the short distance between us. His gaze flares with heat as he takes in my naked body. Most of my skin is hidden by bubbles, but you’d never know it by the way he’s looking at me. As he lowers himself to the ledge of the tub near my head, I tilt it back to look up at him. His tongue darts out to moisten his lips and he leans down, pressing them to my forehead.
Every time he kisses me there, I think about a conversation we—me and my sisters—had with Grams when we were only sixteen. She told us that a kiss on the forehead is better than a thousand kisses on the lips. When I asked her why, she explained that a kiss on the forehead is about love and respect, it shows adoration and affection, not lust. Grams insisted we never give our hearts to a man that doesn’t kiss our foreheads.
It’s a sentiment I’ve held close to my heart.
The truth of it speaks volumes now.
He chose my head over my lips.
When I’m naked in front of him. When we haven’t had sex since our unborn babies were conceived six months ago. When I can clearly see the lust swirling in his eyes when he looks at m
e.
He chose to give me his affection rather than his desire.
Smiling, I stretch up and press my lips to the side of his mouth, right on top of one of the deep dimples I love so much.
Wordlessly, he stands and grabs a fluffy towel from the rack. Placing it down on the edge of the bathtub, he offers me his hand. Pulling me up, he moves his other hand to the swell of my hip to steady me before helping me step over the ledge and onto the plush mat.
I don’t cover myself.
I don’t flinch from his gaze.
I stand motionless—in all my naked and pregnant glory—and offer my body for his viewing pleasure.
He looks. Oh, does he look.
He’s not put off by the large swell of my stomach, or the stretch marks accompanying the growth.
He uses the towel to gently dry me off, his gaze following the movement of his hands over every inch of me. The softness of the plush towel, the warmth of his fingers against my skin, the heat in his eyes. The potent combination of his attentions sends pulses of desire coursing through my body. Heat unfurls in my lower belly and a deep warmth centers at the apex of my thighs.
I need him to touch me for real.
As he leads me to his king-size bed, my body thrums with anticipation. I’m ready to experience the passion and pleasure I’ve been denying the two of us for far too long. He gently lays me down, smiling softly once he knows I’m comfortable.
I want to reach out and pull him down with me, but I resist. I haven’t forgotten how incredible it was to let him take charge, so I remain still.
Watching. Waiting. Letting him take the lead.
My eyes follow him as he moves toward the end of the bed, widening automatically as he starts to remove his clothes. My greedy eyes devour every inch of smooth muscle revealed until he remains in only a pair of tight, black boxer briefs that don’t leave much to the imagination.
Rather than join me, he sits at the foot of the bed and takes my right foot into his hands. My whimper of protest dissolves into a moan of pleasure as his strong fingers work the aches from my tired foot. He moves from my foot to my ankle, up my calf, all the way to the top of my thigh. He nudges me, so I roll to my other side and he repeats the process on my left leg.