by Jeff Dunham
Understandably, the acceptance of someone new in my life has taken more time for my daughters. Even now, a day doesn’t go by that I’m not saddened at what happened to my marriage and our family. So much happened in the subsequent days after January of 2008, that even the family therapist has said many times that there is no going back. So… we move on. Life is short and precious, and I learned from my parents, and then later on my own, that laughter is not only an elixir, but a sustenance to life. And as Audrey has taught me, happiness is a choice. Onward and upward…
Walter: Good book.
Peanut: Sweet ending.
Achmed: Don’t tell anyone I had a tear!
Bubba J.: I love endings.
José: Too bad it’s over, señor.
Jeff: Well, thanks guys. Actually, there’s still an afterword—
Walter: Aw, hell!
Achmed: It’s endless!
José: My eyes hurt.
Peanut: Is this more romantic crap?
Afterword
One of my favorite lines from the Christmas special was when Achmed said, “Killing folks is easy. Being politically correct is a pain in the ass.”
I’ve tried to figure out exactly what it is that has made Achmed and the characters popular and gain notoriety within so many walks of life and in so many diverse cultures throughout the United States and around the world. I think that if a critic bashes me, he’s wagging his or her finger at exactly what most other people like and what has taken my career to where it is: I don’t care about being politically correct and I think it’s funny not to be. I also think that’s what a comic does: He pushes buttons. After that, it boils down to taste. Either you like it or you don’t. No one is forcing you to eat a particular food. If you don’t like it, leave it alone. So if you don’t like my comedy, change the channel and please, whatever you do, don’t buy and watch the DVD. But if you do like it, the oven is hot and I’ll be dishing out some more. The little guys in my trunk and I hope to see you at one of our shows very soon. We really do.
Jeff Dunham
June 14, 2010
Acknowledgments
“Who did I leave out?” That was the question that started banging around in my head a few weeks ago when this book project was nearing the finish line. There have been countless people throughout the years whose stories you still haven’t heard, and some of whose names I’ll leave out even in this acknowledgments section. There are just too darned many people to thank throughout this forty-year pursuit. So to those friends, family members, and business associates whose names aren’t in these pages, I offer my sincere apologies, but thank you universally.
Walter: He really hates you.
Jeff: No, I don’t.
Walter: Whatever.
And as for the very few of you throughout the years with whom there has been any type of friction or disagreement…
Achmed: We will KEEL you!
Jeff: No we won’t.
Achmed: Then I will!
Jeff: Nope.
Achmed: DARN!
Although it is often easier said than done, I try my best to forgive and forget, and I hope the same can be applied to me, if and when I have been the offender.
Walter: You’re full of crap.
Jeff: Thank you.
There are a few names, however, that I simply can’t leave out, and I’ll start with the ventriloquist world. Some of my oldest friends I met in 1975 at the very first ventriloquist convention, and we’ve been together almost every summer since, sharing laughs and experiences and biscuits and gravy at two A.M. in Chaucer’s at the Drawbridge. Al Semok, Mark Wade, Al Getler, Pete Michaels, Bob Rumba, Lynn Trefzger-Joy, Clinton Detweiler, Jimmy Nelson, Dale Brown, Liz VonSeggen, Bob Isaacson, Ken Groves, Jerry Layne, Gary Owen, Lee Cornell, Nacho Estrada, Phillip Jones, Bob Hamill, Brook Brooking, Harold Crocker, and Bill DeMar.
And to Annie Roberts and Lisa Sweasy, both former curators of the Vent Haven Museum, as well as our newest curator, Jen Dawson, thank you for your continued support of our art and for your tireless work to make and keep the museum alive and growing. (I actually hope the smell in building 2 never goes away.)
And, finally, Mr. Tom Ladshaw… Tom is a fellow vent, but he is also one of my favorite people in the whole world to hang out with.… Not just because he knows seemingly everything there is to know about ventriloquism and its history, but mainly because he’s one of the kindest and warmest souls I’ve ever met. As for helping me on this book, I would phone Tom at the weirdest hours of night and day while I was writing, checking facts and making sure I got all historic things regarding “vent” correct. If there is anything in this book having to do with ventriloquism that I’ve misquoted or is incorrect, it’s only because I forgot to ask Tom about it. Tom, thank you for your unending help on this book, but most of all, a very special thanks to you and Leslye for your friendship and support these past couple of years. I always look forward to being with you guys, anywhere, anytime.
And now, my managers and closest business associates, Robert Hartmann, Judi Brown Marmel, John Power, and Stu Schreiberg. Thank you for your teamwork and unending dedication and friendship, and helping build my career to what it is today.
Robert, the days in the late eighties and early nineties at the old Irvine Improv seem very long ago, when you were merely a club manager and I was a struggling middle act trying to prove myself. Thank you for so much support, and for staying with me on this long road, fighting to book me when others didn’t believe I would sell tickets.
Judi, you saw the vision with me long before it happened, so thank you for your faith and determination and tireless work. When no one else got it, you did and you wouldn’t give up. Thank you.
John, you’ve been not only my business manager and accountant, but along with Robert and Judi, you too are one of my closest friends, and have been, throughout the good and the bad, the past decade. Thank you for the sound business advice and guidance, but mainly for the camaraderie and friendship. One of the most fun times of my life was the three days we spent in Corvettes at the Bob Bondurant’s Grand Prix Racing School a few months ago, and the memories of slamming on the brakes at 115 mph with you only a few feet behind still makes me laugh. We’ll do it again soon.
And Stu, thank you for your creativity and skills and enthusiasm when putting what I do on tape, and helping build the catalog of work that has kept things moving for us for so long and so well.
To my agent, Matt Blake, as well as all the other guys at CAA who explore countless ways to push my career forward, Jason Heyman, Martin Lesak, Jon Levin, and Steve Smooke. Thank you for your accomplishments and continued pursuits on my behalf.
Thanks also to my agent of many years, Rick Greenstein. Rick, I followed you from William Morris and then to Gersh, and we had well over a decade of working together, and I thank you for the big part you played in all this for so long.
Kelly Asbury: Thank you for your friendship and the laughs and the advice, both in business and personally. Our love for ventriloquism and then the paralleling of our careers have made me proud to call you one of my very best friends. Can’t wait for more sunshine and drinks on a beach somewhere with you and Jacquie.… Also, congratulations on your future life together.
David Erskine: We have been friends since the days you took snapshots of me on the steps of the Southern Palace at Six Flags over Texas. Thank you for many years of advice, knowledge, and wisdom regarding all things vent and Bergen.
To Debbie Keller, my longtime friend and publicist.… Thank you for your vision and belief in what this all could become and for being such a huge part of making it happen. You’re the best, Debbie!
To Elaine Shock, my other publicist and friend. Though you haven’t been in this camp as long as Debbie, your work has also been invaluable and I can’t wait to see what lies ahead.… Thank you.
To Mary Ann Taylor, who has taken up where Verna left off. Thank you for keeping Peanut alive and fresh and looking great for so many to l
ove.
To Marnell White and Steve Quinn and our eleven crew guys who work tirelessly on the road with Robin Tate, making all our crazy live arena shows run so smoothly, thank you.
To Tom Burrington, our bus driver, who has a steady hand at the wheel and has always managed to keep the shiny side up and the dirty side down.… Thank you, Tom.
And though I already talked about them in the book, my heartfelt thanks and big man-hugs to my good friends Robin Tate and Brian “Guitar Guy” Haner, with whom I have shared so many experiences and countless hours on the road in every corner of North America, and now beyond.… Thank you for the warmth of friendship and the sweat of making those gigs kick ass… and we’re nowhere near finished.
To my longtime friend and a guy who makes me laugh more than anyone, Jeff Rothpan. Thanks, buddy, for your hard work and welcomed, twisted sense of humor. Some of my favorite moments in life have been on the bus with you, Robin, Brian, and Audrey, laughing until we almost passed out. Don’t stop, my friend.
To Jimmy Nelson: Thank you, sir, for teaching me this art.
To Carrie Thornton, my editor; Peter McGuigan, my book agent; and all the folks at Dutton who have made this project a possibility and now a reality, thank you.
To the countless others who have represented me and worked so very hard, or who have simply been great support and encouragement along the way: Gary Brightwell, Randy Chalawsky, Matt McNeil, Jim Ricker, Derek Van Pelt, Reg Tigerman, Darrin McAfee, Dave Harrison, John Bravakis, Steve Kroopnick, Myra Byrne, Stacy Hashimoto, Stefani Schmacker, Mike Carano, Max Smith, Kevin Moshier, Steve Marmel, Dave Bernath, Brooke Isbell, Susan Egan, Dawn Able, Bruce Ryan, Tammy Dorman, Mike Lacey, Bill Blumenreich, Jimmy Finn, Tommy Williams, Bruce Ayers, Janet George, Les and Pam McCurdy, Rebecca O’Sullivan Schulte, Brenda Garcia, Bob Foster, Barry Gordon, Richard Buchalter, Garrett Lee, Diana Flaherty, Sandy Terranova, Melanie Mandles, Katherine Sellwood, Andrew Dorfman, Brian Dorfman, Steve Twersky, Beth Rakow, Anna Derparseghian, Jason Brown, Alex Kraemer, Michael Gasser, Barbara Tron, Tsoler Kojan, Angelica Vasquez, Jack Sinoryan, Brian Poor, Gary and Car-men Busk, Tom and Isa Brown, Jeff Endlich, Marty Singer, Joseph Bon Jovi, Anthony “Chovy” Bell, Michael Korpi, Corey Carbonara, Lisa Dent, Skip Mahaffey, Dan and Gerri Abrahamsen, and Paul and Beth Moore, as well as the late Eric Azarcon, thanks to all of you.
And finally, once again, thanks to my mom and dad for a lifetime of love and support. To my daughters, whom I love more than I could ever express: Kenna, Ashlyn, and Bree, thanks for loving me and for making me so proud and happy to be your father. To Audrey, who has been a precious gift, and has brightened my life in the darkest of times, growing into someone I love and cherish beyond measure. Oh… and speaking of love… I can’t leave out Bill, my golden retriever and best buddy, and who was the only other male in my houseful of women for more than twelve years. Just last night, as I was finishing these final words, he died quietly in his sleep. I’ll miss you, boy. I hope someday we’ll be playing together again.… jd
«——THE END——»
Table of Contents
ALL BY MY SELVES
Dedication:
Introduction
CHAPTER ONE
CHAPTER TWO
CHAPTER THREE
CHAPTER FOUR
CHAPTER FIVE
CHAPTER SIX
CHAPTER SEVEN
CHAPTER EIGHT
CHAPTER NINE
CHAPTER TEN
Afterword
Acknowledgments
Table of Contents
ALL BY MY SELVES
Dedication:
Introduction
CHAPTER ONE
CHAPTER TWO
CHAPTER THREE
CHAPTER FOUR
CHAPTER FIVE
CHAPTER SIX
CHAPTER SEVEN
CHAPTER EIGHT
CHAPTER NINE
CHAPTER TEN
Afterword
Acknowledgments