No Shame

by Nora Phoenix

  Panting slightly, Blake loosened his grip on Aaron’s hips. It was always a sad moment when he had to pull out, but at least he got to see his cum smeared all over Aaron’s ass. Within minutes, it would start dripping down—his favorite thing to watch. He pulled Aaron up, his body still limp, kissed his shoulder blade before he spun him around. “Love you.”

  Aaron sighed against him, melted in Blake’s embrace. “I love it when you come inside me,” he whispered.

  “You love it when I talk dirty, too,” Blake said, smiling.

  Another sigh. “I do.”

  Blake held him, dropping light kisses on Aaron’s neck, his cheeks, his mouth until both their heartbeats had calmed down. Their spent cocks cuddled as well, happy to find each other well-sated.

  “You ready to shower, puppy?”

  “Yeah, I guess. I love being held like this.”

  Aaron had missed out on so much physical affection in his childhood, Blake had reasoned, that he still had a lot of catching up to do. He was no psychologist, but this seemed pretty straight forward to him. Apparently, today was a needy day, as Blake called them in his head, a day where Aaron needed his proximity.

  “I don’t have a lesson till this afternoon. I had planned to do some admin, but I could do that at home on the couch, so you could sit with me if you want?”

  Aaron nodded. “I’d love that.” A wave of sadness flashed over his face.

  “What’s wrong?” Blake asked gently. He didn’t talk easily, Aaron. Even after months of being together, Blake still had to coax him to share every single time. “Does this have something to do with what you wanted to ask me earlier?”

  Aaron’s shoulders hunched. “Will you ask if we can visit with Josh? Maybe for lunch?”

  How telling it was that Aaron didn’t dare to call his own brother to ask if he could come over. Things between him and Josh had improved, somewhat, but Aaron still felt like an outsider, a nuisance—and not entirely without reason. Josh seemed to have little need for Aaron in his life, happy as he was with Connor, Indy, and Noah.

  Even his stint in the clinic hadn’t made a difference in that. Selfishly, Blake had hoped Josh would come to some sort of insight there, some revelation that he needed Aaron in his life, too, but he hadn’t even contacted Aaron immediately when he’d gotten back. They still hadn’t seen each other since Josh had gotten back five days ago. Blake wanted nothing more than to fix this, but he couldn’t. The only thing he could do was be there for Aaron, and help him as best as he could.

  “Sure, sweetheart. No problem.”

  “You might run into Brad. Are you sure you’d be okay with that?”

  “He’s a grown man, Aaron, making his own choices. As long as it’s what he wants, I won’t interfere. Besides, from what I heard, this FBI guy is a decent fellow.”

  He kissed Aaron’s forehead. “Ready for that shower now?”

  “Five more minutes. Please?”

  Blake pulled him close again. “Anything for you.”

  * * *

  Aaron’s stomach rolled a little as Blake made the turn into the driveway. Why was he still anxious about seeing Josh? It was his brother, for heaven’s sake.

  He’d been so nervous he’d initially even put on one of the few boring polo shirts he had left from old Aaron, as Blake liked to call it. Blake had sent him straight back to get changed, though, telling him he wanted sexy Aaron to show up.

  So he’d chosen a dark blue tank top with a sheer tunic over it that had a gorgeous abstract pattern in all shades of pink, ranging from the subtlest pastel to bright fuchsia. After debating for at least five minutes, he’d even put on a touch of mascara and a bit of lip gloss.

  Maybe he was nervous, because he knew it would be a big group today. More people meant more chance of messing it up, of saying or doing the wrong thing.

  Then again, Charlie, he loved. Aaron was only too happy to see him again. Brad wouldn’t be an issue, either. He’d been acting differently since Aaron had come back, had tried to make an effort to be nice to him. He could still be aloof and abrasive at times, but Aaron felt that was probably more his character and not personal. He did that to Blake too, at times. That left only Miles, the FBI agent, which was ridiculous, because Aaron had nothing to fear from him.

  No, his trepidation was because of Josh. His own brother made him sick to his stomach. How sad was that? He let out a small sigh.

  “You okay?” Blake asked as he parked the car.

  “Yeah.” He felt like a total idiot that he’d had to ask Blake to call Josh. It was just that the thought of calling him with the possibility of being rejected was too much for him.

  Blake shut off the engine, turned Aaron’s head toward him with a soft grip on his chin. “It’ll be fine, puppy. I won’t let anything happen to you, you know that.”

  He nodded, a warm feeling replacing his fear. Blake had him. He had nothing to worry about. “Let’s go inside.”

  Indy let them in, and the solid hug he gave Aaron made his stomach settle a little. “It’s lovely to see you, Aaron.”

  Apparently, Indy had forgotten about the awkward first encounter they’d had, where Aaron had asked him out. Even thinking about it made Aaron cringe inside. He’d been such an idiot back then.

  Then Charlie came right up to him, and hugged him tight. “Aaron, honey, it’s so good to see you!”

  Aaron held him close, reveling in the feeling that someone was actually happy to see him.

  Charlie gave him a thorough once-over when he’d let him go. “That top looks gorgeous on you!”

  “Thank you,” he said, touching it self-consciously.

  Charlie reached up to cup his chin, critically studied Aaron’s very basic makeup. “You could do with a bit more color, honey, especially on your eyes. I can show you if you want. I’ve got my whole kit here.”

  Aaron blushed, acutely aware of everyone watching their exchange. Charlie meant well, but this was the last thing Aaron wanted, to have everyone focus on how feminine he looked. “That’s okay, really.”

  He felt a hand on his shoulder and looked around to find his brother behind him. “I think that would look great on you,” Josh said, squeezing his shoulder.

  Aaron tried to blink away the sudden tears in his eyes. This was so not what he had been expecting. “Thank you,” he managed, his voice barely audible.

  Josh gave his shoulder another squeeze before he let go. “You’ve got time before we eat.”

  Emboldened, Aaron nodded to Charlie. Charlie held out his hand, and they walked over to his bedroom. “Sit,” Charlie pointed and Aaron obediently sat down on the bed.

  Charlie rummaged around in a closet and came back with a huge makeup kit. “How have you been?” Aaron asked, unsure of how to word it.

  Charlie sighed. “I’m okay, I guess. Physically, I’ve healed.”

  He started wiping Aaron’s mascara off with a makeup remover wipe. “And emotionally?” Aaron dared to ask.

  “I talked to Brad a lot,” Charlie said after a while. “It helped. A little. But I still feel stupid as fuck for staying so long. I mean, you saw me when I did your makeup that night Blake took you to Flirt. You knew he’d hit me. Why did I go back?”

  Aaron kept his eyes closed since Charlie was still busy removing the little makeup he’d put on, so he could only guess Charlie’s state of mind by the tone of his voice. What could he say to make him feel better? Was there any such thing? Words seemed woefully inadequate. Still, he would try.

  “All I can remember feeling since I hit puberty was shame. Shame over my body’s response to stimuli. Shame over being attracted to boys.” He swallowed. Charlie deserved honesty here. Pretending wouldn’t help him. “And then shame over pretending to be someone and something I wasn’t. Shame over how I treated Josh. Shame over this desire to be pretty. Shame over wanting Blake to take care of me.”

  Charlie had stopped cleaning his eye, so he opened them. “I grew up in a culture that seemed aimed at making you ashame
d of who you were. And it’s wrong. Shame is a debilitating emotion that sucks you dry and leaves you with nothing but hatred and bitterness toward yourself. That’s not you, Charlie. You’re light. You’re happy. You have this joy inside you. Don’t let shame steal that. Don’t let Zack take that from you. He’s not worth it. You have nothing to be ashamed of.”

  He wasn’t sure if it made sense, what he had said. It sure had sounded more eloquent in his head.

  “He’s right, sweetie,” Brad said. Aaron turned his head to find him leaning against the doorpost. “You have nothing to be ashamed of, and especially not where it concerns Zach.”

  Brad’s tone was different than Aaron had ever heard him before. Softer, gentle. He’d known Brad and Charlie were best friends, but it was good to see Brad so caring toward him.

  Charlie sighed. “My head knows you’re right, but my heart doesn’t want to accept it yet.”

  Brad walked over, kissed Charlie on his head. “You’ll get there.”

  Aaron was watching Charlie when Brad kissed him, and for a second Charlie’s face displayed such love, that Aaron knew instantly he was in love. With Brad. Wow, how would that end?

  Brad wanted to let go, but Charlie grabbed his wrist. “The same is true for you, Brad.”

  Aaron frowned. What was Charlie talking about?

  Brad shot Aaron a dark look, as if threatening him not to say anything. Yeah, like he was that stupid. He wasn’t getting anywhere near this, whatever it was.

  “Drop it, sweetie,” Brad told Charlie.

  Aaron noticed that even though Brad’s eyes were shooting daggers, his tone toward Charlie was still soft. This was mighty interesting—not that he was gonna get himself involved in any way. He wasn’t touching this with a ten-foot pole, not now that Brad finally seemed to warm up to him a little.

  Charlie sighed. “Okay, but we’ll talk about this later.”

  He turned back toward Aaron. “Okay, I’m thinking shades of pink since it will match your gorgeous tunic. Sound good?”

  Aaron nodded.

  Charlie opened his massive makeup kit and started rummaging through it, taking out items and lining them up. Aaron had to smile a little. Charlie took his makeup very seriously, and it was heartwarming to see.

  “Can I watch?” Brad asked.

  “I don’t care, do you, Aaron?” Charlie asked. Aaron loved that he checked.

  “It’s fine,” Aaron said. He kept his face as neutral as possible, but inwardly he was grinning like crazy. How did these two not see they were in love with each other?

  “Close your eyes, honey,” Charlie said. “I’m gonna start with a little primer, just like last time.”

  He expertly put on various layers on eye shadow, while Brad asked him questions every now and then. Aaron was content to listen in, enjoying the unspoken attraction between these two.

  “Okay, open your eyes,” Charlie told Aaron. He held out a mirror for Aaron to study himself. “See what I did? It’s three shades of pink. It’s subtle enough for now, but you can make it much bolder for a night out. Or throw in a little glitter eye shadow. Now, let’s do the mascara.”

  Putting on mascara was hard, Aaron had discovered. He still poked himself in the eye every now and then, which made your eye tear up, which in turn made your mascara run. And he still hit his eyelids regularly, or the skin between his lower lashes. That was infuriating, because getting that off meant also removing the makeup underneath. It took a steady hand and a lot of patience, he’d discovered.

  “You’re really good at that,” Miles’ voice suddenly sounded.

  Charlie let out a little squeal and jerked his hand, which caused Aaron to clinch his eyes shut in reflex.

  “Shit! Dammit, Miles, you scared the crap out of me!” Charlie snapped. “Didn’t they teach you to never scare a man putting on mascara?”

  Aaron opened his eyes again. Miles stood next to the bed with a sheepish expression. “Sorry,” he said. “They didn’t cover that at the FBI academy.”

  Charlie sighed. “Well, now you know. Okay, honey,” he said to Aaron. “Let’s see what the damage is. I could have taken out his eyeball, you know?”

  Aaron assumed the latter part was aimed at Miles. “I’m quite attached to my eyeballs,” he quipped.

  Charlie smiled, the anger dissipating from his face. “You should be. They’re beautiful. And I would kill and die for your skin. It is so smooth and perfect, it’s practically glowing.”

  “You’re not so bad yourself,” Miles said. “I mean, I’m no expert but your face looks plenty healthy to me. Like, radiant, I guess.”

  Charlie’s face broke open in a big grin. “You are the sweetest thing, sexy. And such a smooth talker.”

  Miles jammed his hands into his pockets. “It sounded better in my head.”

  Charlie blew him a hand kiss. “I’m sure it did, sexy, but I recognize a compliment when I hear one. So thank you. You have redeemed yourself, and I will no longer be upset with you for making me stab Aaron in the eye.”

  “I’m sure he was shaking in his metaphorical boots about you coming after him with that mascara wand,” Brad said.

  Was that a joke Brad had just made? Aaron grinned. The times most certainly were a-changing.

  “He should be, because hell hath no fury like a makeup artist scorned,” Charlie fired back.

  “Duly noted,” Miles said, smiling again. “Though no offense, Charlie, but I think I could take you on.”

  “Says the guy who was flat on his back in under ten seconds the last time he said that to someone. Didn’t Indy cure you of the notion that size matters?” Charlie rebuffed him, meanwhile removing the smeared mascara with a cotton stab and some remover.

  “Ow, burn, baby! That one hurt,” Brad laughed.

  It was rare to see him laugh, Aaron realized. His Blake was a serious man by nature, but Brad even more so. This carefree laughter was extraordinary.

  Miles raised his hands in mock surrender, his face split in a broad grin. “I give up. I can’t win if you two are ganging up on me.”

  “Victory is mine!” Brad declared, making a V with his fingers on both hands.

  “More like mine, since I made the winning punchline, but I’ll be magnanimous and share it with you, because I’m a benevolent ruler,” Charlie said. He put down the cotton swab, looked at Aaron from all sides. “There. Perfect, honey.”

  Aaron studied himself in the mirror. Charlie was right. It was perfect, his blue eyes popping with the shades of pink around them. “Thank you,” he said softly.

  Charlie smiled at him. “Anytime. You’re gorgeous like this.” He started to put the makeup back in the kit. “Go show Blake,” he said.

  Aaron nodded. Blake was in the living room with the others, lounging on the couch. Aaron shyly walked up to him, as always insecure of how to approach him when others were present. Blake made it easy for him, because he immediately pulled Aaron close. “Let me look at you, puppy.” Aaron sank to his knees, and Blake lifted his chin to study him. “God, that’s beautiful on you. Absolutely stunning.”

  Aaron blushed. He wanted to crawl on Blake’s lap and hide his face, because everyone was looking at them, and it was too awkward. Blake petted his head, held him in place. “Maybe we should get some more makeup for you to experiment with, hmm? I really like these colors on you. How about I ask Charlie to recommend some for you, since he’ll know what works?”

  Aaron nodded. He still found it hard to believe that Blake accepted him the way he was, with all his strange quirks, including makeup and all, but he did. The others, he wasn’t too sure about, but Blake loved him exactly the way he was.

  Blake pulled him up, placed him on the couch beside him so Aaron could snuggle close. That sense of safety he experienced whenever he could physically feel Blake, it had never gone away. The man could calm him with a simple touch. He rubbed his head against Blake’s shoulder, letting out a soft sigh when he was rewarded with a little neck scratch.

  He looked up
to find Josh studying him, but not with hate or irritation. It was more like wonder, as if he was seeing something new. Aaron gave him a tentative smile and was rewarded with a nod and a smile from his brother. He was happy to listen to the others talk after that.

  “I need to get back to the kitchen to prepare the last things for lunch,” Josh said a few minutes later. “Aaron, you wanna help me?”

  Aaron sat up and bit his lip. “I’m not really handy in the kitchen.”

  Josh grinned. “I’m used to Noah, and I’m pretty sure you’re not as bad as him. Come on, I’ll go easy on you.”

  It was an olive branch, a big one, and Aaron grabbed it with both hands. “In that case, I’ll be happy to help. Just keep it simple.”

  He followed Josh into the huge kitchen. A few minutes later, he was cutting bell peppers into small slices. Julienne, Josh had said, before laughing and explaining what that meant when he caught Aaron’s baffled expression.

  “How are you?” Aaron asked carefully. Josh looked well, but Aaron had no idea how he really was doing. Then again, maybe he didn’t even want to talk about it.

  “I’m better than I was,” Josh said, meanwhile mixing oil, vinegar and some other ingredients into what looked to be a vinaigrette. “It was hard, being away for this long, but I’m glad I did it. It was the right thing to do for me, but also for the others.”

  Aaron understood about not wanting to be a burden. It was the story of his life, especially since he’d come out. He’d felt nothing but a burden with Blake at first, but since he’d come back from his trip, as he called it, it was much better. He was slowly accepting who he was—and that Blake loved him exactly the way he was.

  “How are things going with Blake?” Josh asked.

  Aaron’s face lit up and he looked up from his cutting board. “Very good. He bought a play pen for me, and we…” He stopped, caught himself.