No Shame

by Nora Phoenix

  Josh sent him a reassuring smile. “You guys played in it? What did you do?”

  “We played with a ball…and then we…Not sure you want to know more, actually.” He felt a blush creeping up again.

  “Is it kinky? Then I definitely want to know,” Josh teased him.

  Aaron studied him. Where had sulky, stand-offish Josh gone? It’s like Josh had come back a different person after his stay in that clinic. All Aaron could do was be grateful and go with it, even if he was beet red. “We both got naked, and we wrestled… I love touching him like that, licking him everywhere.”

  “Mmmm. He’s an edible man, your Blake, so I can imagine.”

  Aaron had to put down the knife, because the tears in his eyes were making it impossible to see what he was doing. A sob escaped him, and then he felt Josh’s arms around him, hugging him from behind. His big brother put his head on Aaron’s shoulder. “I’m sorry, Aaron. I…I wasn’t ready.”

  Aaron turned around in his arms and clung to him tightly. “I missed you, Josh. I missed you so much. I thought you would never stop hating me for what I did.”

  “Oh, Aaron, I’m so sorry. I blamed you for the things that were never your fault. It took me too long to see that.”

  There was a peace in Aaron’s heart that he’d never experienced before, even as he was still sobbing in Josh’s arms. How he had missed that, his brother holding him.

  Josh kissed his head, gently rubbed his back. “I love you, baby bro.”

  7

  The lunch was surprisingly relaxed. Brad had worried about tension what with him and Blake still not back to where they were before—which was completely his own fault, as he’d fucked up royally. Added to that was the tension between him and Miles at times, because the Fed kept pushing his buttons—though they’d shared a few laughs with Charlie when he was doing Aaron’s makeup. And of course, there was the lingering animosity between Josh and Aaron, though that seemed resolved. Brad was happy about the latter, because he liked them both and hated to see them at odds.

  Next to him, Charlie yawned. He still didn’t sleep well, weeks after Zack has assaulted him. Nightmares kept waking him up, and since they were sharing a bed, Brad as well. Truth be told, he was dead tired as well. Being around so many people wore him out as an introvert, but it was more than that.

  As much as he loved taking care of Charlie, the constant focus on making sure Charlie was okay was draining Brad’s energy. He could never think of Charlie as a burden, fuck no. Being with him was…perfect and yet so fucking hard. It was being close to everything you wanted, yet knowing you would never have it.

  The fact that he was still servicing Miles, as the others had started to call it, added to that pressure. As much as he loved sucking off Miles or riding him while he was blindfolded, there was no denying it was tiresome as well.

  But he’d agreed to help him out, so he could hardly say no now. Plus, the man needed it. He really was hard all the fucking time. He’d discreetly sucked him off right before lunch—one of the reasons why Brad wasn’t all that hungry right now. He really should stop swallowing all the time. It was messing with his digestive system.

  Still, it was Charlie who bothered him most. Not bother as in being a pain, but he worried about him. It was weeks since Zack had beaten him up, but Charlie still hadn’t set a foot outside. He kept making up excuses, but Brad knew the truth. He was scared of Zack, deadly afraid of running into him, or worse, of Zack figuring out where he was staying. Brad understood, but it wasn’t healthy. It also wasn’t fair.

  When Charlie yawned again, he leaned over and whispered in his ear, “You wanna take a nap?”

  Charlie’s forehead crinkled the way it did when he was worried about something. “I can’t sleep if I’m alone.”

  “I’ll come with you.”

  “You will?” The surprise in Charlie’s voice hit Brad deep. Did Charlie really not grasp Brad would do pretty much anything for him?

  “Sure thing, sweetie. Let’s lie down for a little bit.”

  The others had no problem with them taking a nap, so he led Charlie into their bedroom, Max following them, then softly closed the door behind them. They both stripped to their boxers, and Charlie crawled into bed, yawning again.

  Brad would never admit it, but he loved sleeping next to Charlie. There was something so sweet and comforting about feeling that much smaller body snuggled against him. Max found a spot right next to the bed on Brad’s side, and Brad smiled. He loved how Max was never far from his side.

  Charlie immediately nestled close against Brad and put his head on Brad’s shoulder, flinging an arm across his abdomen. It was Charlie’s favorite position, Brad had deducted, because he always curled up like that against Brad. It was the sweetest torture, to hold that gorgeous man, that perfect body, to want him so much…and know he’d never be good enough to deserve him.

  “Does Miles know?” Charlie asked out of the blue.

  Brad had to think for a second what Charlie could be referring to. Ah. That. “About me? No. It’s just sex, Charlie, that’s it.”

  “How long do you think you can keep having sex with him with your underwear on, or with him blindfolded?”

  “As long as I have to.”

  “You don’t think he’s getting suspicious? Or maybe I should say curious.”

  Brad sighed. “Maybe. Probably. I don’t care. I’m not telling him shit, babe. It’s none of his fucking business.”

  Charlie was quiet for a bit. “I think he wants more than just sex,” he then said.

  “I don’t.” Brad’s voice was definitive. He was not discussing this with Charlie. Charlie was such a romantic at heart. He never fully understood why Brad did what he did in the club, and he certainly would never understand the complicated thing he had with Miles. “Get some rest, babe.”

  Charlie gave up, apparently, and fell asleep in minutes. Brad waited fifteen minutes to make sure his friend was truly asleep, then wiggled from under his body. He was too wound up to sleep, the thoughts in his head not slowing down.

  He dressed quietly, checking one last time on Charlie before he left. Even in sleep, Charlie’s face showed signs of stress. He was never fully relaxed anymore. God, that fucker had to pay for what he had done.

  He waited till Max had trotted out, then closed the door behind him softly. Everyone was still gathered in the living room, Miles spread out on the couch and the others on chairs, or on the floor—that would be Aaron, siting at Blake’s feet, obviously. For lack of a chair, Brad lowered himself to a large pillow on the floor, leaning with his back against the couch were Miles’ feet were parked. Max found a spot on the floor, too, his head on Brad’s lap.

  “How is he?” Blake asked. “He looked tired.”

  “He is,” Brad said. “He still doesn’t sleep well.”

  Miles was studying him, and out of a newly acquired habit, Brad checked his crotch. All was quiet there, thank fuck. Four orgasms this morning all in all should tide the man over till tomorrow, hopefully. Miles caught his look, grinned. He was so sexy when he smiled like that. Made Brad’s stomach do back flips, as much as he hated to admit it.

  “Does he have nightmares?” Noah asked.

  Brad hesitated. He hadn’t asked Charlie if he was okay with him sharing this, and he didn’t want to violate his privacy.

  “It’s okay,” Noah said. “You don’t have to answer. Let him know he should ask his family doctor for sleeping aids, if he needs them.”

  “That would mean seeing his doctor, and he’s afraid to leave the house,” Brad said quietly. “He’s scared Zach will find him.”

  Noah nodded. “I noticed. He knows he can talk to me anytime, right?”

  Brad nodded. “He does. He talks to me, a little, but…I’m not good at saying the right things.”

  Noah sent him a reassuring smile. “Listening is often the most important thing, and you’ve got that part down. He trusts you.”

  He did, and Brad vowed he’d be worthy
of that trust. It was one of the reasons why he’d never start anything with Charlie, no matter how much he wanted him…and how sweet Charlie looked at him, with eyes that spoke volumes about what he wanted Brad to do to him. No, he wasn’t going there. Right now, that trust meant finding a solution for Charlie’s problem.

  “How are we gonna nail this son of a bitch?” he asked.

  Miles eyebrows rose high.

  “What?” Brad snapped.

  “Nothing. Not the kind of reaction I was expecting from you,” the agent said.

  “I told you: you don’t know me. At all.”

  “Clearly,” Miles said, but he didn’t sound angry.

  “Sorry. He’s my best friend. I’m still really fucking pissed.”

  Miles held up his hands. “I understand. I wasn’t criticizing you. I was merely surprised.”

  “We can’t do anything, not until Charlie gives us permission.” That was Blake, of course. Practical, reasonable Blake.

  “He’ll never stand up to Zack. Does that mean he gets away with it?”

  “I understand you’re mad, bro, but it has to be Charlie’s decision. We can’t take that power away from him.”

  Brad leaned back against the couch, felt Miles’ foot touching his back, rubbing it. Was he doing it on purpose? It seemed so.

  “At least he hasn’t found him here yet,” Blake added.

  “Not yet,” Brad said. “But with the resources he’s got, it will be easy for him to find him anywhere.”

  “What resources?” Miles asked, sharp as ever.

  Brad winced. Damn, he hadn’t meant to let that slip. Noah knew, but he hadn’t said anything. The guy took patient confidentiality seriously, even when he wasn’t formally working anymore. That meant this was new to everyone else, including Miles by the way. How the hell was he talking his way out of this one?

  “His boyfriend is a cop,” Aaron said.

  “Aaron!” Oy, Blake was angry with his puppy, that much was clear.

  “No, Blake, you’re wrong about this one. I know you don’t want us to say anything, but we’ve got a cop here, a federal agent, and men who know what this is like. Surely, we can trust them.”

  It was good to see Aaron had a backbone when it was needed. Then his choice of words registered with Brad. Men who knew what this was like? What the fuck was Aaron talking about? Brad knew about Indy—in general terms, at least. The details of his rape at the hands of that guy he’d killed were pretty well known. But Aaron had said men, not man, so who else?

  “Aaron is right. This is not about what Charlie wants. This is about a cop abusing his power, pretending he’s above the law.” Josh's voice was clear. It earned him an affectionate kiss on his head from Connor. Was he the one? He had to be. There was something inherently strong about him that screamed survivor.

  “Does anyone have a last name for me, so I can look up this guy?” Connor asked. His face was neutral, but his eyes displayed anger.

  “Zachary Waitley,” Brad supplied. “Albany PD.”

  “You’re shitting me,” Connor said.

  “You know him, babe?” Josh asked.

  “Hell, yeah. Worked with him. Didn’t even know he was gay.”

  “He’s bi, technically,” Brad corrected him. “Had a girlfriend before Charlie. Has a daughter with her, but he never sees her.”

  “She local?” Connor asked.

  “Dunno. Charlie said it was because his ex was a bitch and refused to let Zack see his kid, but I know for a fact he’s a lying, cheating asshole, so who the fuck knows what’s true.”

  Connor looked pensive. “He cheated on Charlie?”

  “Hell, yeah. Men, women, everyone he could get, if you ask me. Came after me as well. He was dead drunk, cornered me a while back when Charlie was performing at Flirt. Told me to suck him off, or he’d tell everyone I…”

  Fuck, he’d dug a hole for himself there, hadn’t he? They’d done an IQ test on him in elementary school, had told his mom he’d scored off the charts, but surely if he were that smart he wouldn’t do dumb shit like this.

  Blake cleared his throat. “Brad has something he would prefer others did not know, let’s leave it at that.” Thank you, big brother. The guy was a fucking saint, saving his ass all over again, even when he didn’t deserve it.

  “What did you do?” Miles wanted to know.

  Brad shrugged. “Told him to go fuck himself. He knew I had way too much dirt on him for him to ever sell me out. I would’ve fucking buried him.”

  Was that admiration he saw in Miles’ eyes? Sure looked like it.

  “He’s a nasty piece of work,” Blake said. “But for some reason, Charlie loves him.”

  “He’s known Zack since he was fourteen,” Brad said. “He fucking idolized him. The guy did some volunteer work in the community center Charlie was a part of. Charlie’s parents didn’t want much to do with him, so he was looking for a father figure, I guess. They kept in touch, became friends, then more the minute Charlie turned eighteen.”

  Brad caught a meaningful look between Connor and Miles.

  “I’m on it,” Connor said, then Miles nodded.

  “Thanks for letting us stay here,” Brad said.

  Indy sent him a warm smile. “Sure thing. We love having you guys here.”

  “We’re running out of rooms, though, so let’s not take in any more strays, okay baby?” Noah said, kissing Indy’s head.

  “I can sleep on this couch if need be,” Miles joked. “It’s pretty nice.”

  Indy grinned, then laughed out loud as Noah shot him a look. “What? He’s right, it is a damn comfortable couch.”

  “Yeah, and thank fuck it has washable covers,” Josh muttered.

  Brad looked at the couch, then at Miles. “Holy shit, and here I thought I was a horny fucker,” Miles quipped.

  For one second, everyone seemed to hesitate, not sure if he was serious or not, but then they burst out laughing.

  “I’m telling you, if that couch could talk…” Indy said, laughing.

  “If it had a camera built in,” Josh added. “That would make for some serious heavy porn.”

  Those two were now rolling against each other, laughing, while Noah and Connor shook their heads.

  “Come on, Josh, we’re embarrassing Blake and Aaron. They’re not as kinky as the rest of us,” Indy finally managed.

  Brad’s mouth ran off again. “You’re talking about the puppy, right?”

  The second he said it, he froze. He hadn’t meant it in a derogatory way, but it sure could be perceived as such. Fuck, no, please let Aaron and Blake be okay with it. He’d already made them feel like shit about their relationship once, and Blake had rightfully called him out on it. Nothing hurt him more than Blake being angry with him.

  He looked at Aaron, all but pleaded with his eyes that it had been a joke. Blake’s eyes were on Aaron to see how he would respond. Aaron seemed to search for words for a second, then threw his head in his neck and barked. He fucking barked! Max lifted his head up, looking around in confusion, as if wondering where that other dog had come from all of a sudden.

  More laughter ensued, and Brad exhaled in relief. He found Aaron’s eyes, and the man nodded at him as if to say he’d gotten it. Aaron smiled, seemed genuinely grateful to be included in the group. Maybe he had been, Brad realized. Aaron always seemed to be at the fringes, much like himself. Maybe he had actually appreciated Brad’s attempt at leveling the playing field. They were all kinky in some way, right?

  Blake petted Aaron’s head, and Aaron turned his head. He first kissed Blake’s hand, then licked it. It was incredibly cute, in a weird way, and the first time Brad had seen him be so open about his puppy-play. He’d been weirded out at first, but there was no denying how happy Aaron made his brother. Blake’s eyes shone with love for the man, and that was all Brad needed to see to accept him wholeheartedly.

  He smiled, turned to check in with Miles, found the agent’s eyes fixated on him. His eyes dropped, lower, to wher
e Miles was sporting an erection. Brad widened his eyes on purpose in pretend shock. Miles shrugged. Brad held up four fingers, shook his head. He was rewarded with that same sexy grin he loved so much.

  “What are you guys signaling about?” Indy asked.

  Brad loved that about Indy: much like himself, the guy seemed to lack a filter. He was unabashedly curious and said whatever the fuck he wanted. Still, he wouldn’t embarrass Miles, so he bit his tongue.

  “Oh, Brad was a little surprised that after all his hard work this morning, I’ve still managed to get a boner.”

  Brad almost gasped. Wow, Miles was really putting himself out there. He had to feel mighty safe in this group to say something like that. Then again, there was no one here who didn’t know already what he was dealing with.

  “Did the four fingers mean that you…”

  Brad nodded, smiling at Josh's question.

  “Wow. Sweet. You and I need to swap strategies, friend,” Josh said.

  “Joshua!” Connor said sternly, but the snickers around the room signaled they all knew how fake this threat was.

  “Yes, Connor?” Josh asked innocently.

  “Do I need to take you upstairs to show you what happens when you embarrass me?”

  “Erm, yes, please?”

  Indy’s hand clamped down on Josh's leg. “Hell, no. You’re not going anywhere. We’re all fucking hard, but you’ll have to suffer through it, like the rest of us. Now, Brad, if you want to share, feel free.”

  “Ew, TMI,” Blake said, his eyes dancing. “That’s my brother, dude.”

  Indy snorted. “Don’t go all prude on me now, man.”

  Brad pondered Indy’s words as the others switched topics. How could Indy be so open about sex, joking about it even, after everything he’d experienced? He didn’t understand. He was doing everything to keep his trauma a secret—though he was hesitant to even call it that since it was nothing compared to what Indy had been through. And Josh, too, he surmised. How could these two joke about sex, be so open about it?

  Maybe talking was a strategy he could try. Aside from his brothers and Charlie, no one knew. He gently scratched Max’s head as his eyes traveled to Miles, who’d fallen asleep on the couch, amidst all the talking. Would he be a safe place to start?