by Sue MacKay
‘Time we went home, Grady.’ Sasha stepped into the light spilling from the windows. ‘Melanie has finished feeding and needs to be tucked up in her cot.’
‘Not a problem, sweetheart.’ Grady unwound his long body and stood up. ‘You want to do a spot of fishing tomorrow, Jackson? We could put the tinny in before breakfast and go find ourselves something for brunch.’
‘I’m on. See you about six?’ Fishing always relaxed him. Unless he was with Nicholas and had to spend the whole time baiting hooks and untying knots in the line. Which was kind of fun, in its own way.
‘Six? Just because you’re sleeping solo tonight, you want to drag me out early.’
‘Five past?’ Jackson laughed, but inside he felt lonely. Grady was a good bloke, but he wasn’t what he needed right now, at night, in bed. No, she had elected to go home alone.
* * *
Jess might’ve desperately wanted to sleep, but that didn’t mean she got any. At two o’clock she gave up and went out to the kitchen to make some chamomile tea. Sitting in the lounge, she switched on the TV and watched the second half of some out-of-date rerun of something she’d first seen when she’d been about fourteen. And still the thoughts about what she should tell Jackson before he left went round and round her skull.
‘Hey, Jackson, I love you. So if you ever change your mind about coming home or wanting a life partner, you know my number.’
Yep, that would work. She could see him rushing up and kissing her and telling her that was the best news he’d had in a long time. Not.
Okay, what about, ‘Jackson, I love you and would love it if Nicholas and I could move to Hong Kong to be with you.’
He probably wouldn’t bother packing his bags, just run for the airport.
What about just shutting up, keeping her feelings to herself, and getting on with enjoying the remaining weeks?
Yep, that might work.
Except she’d heard Sasha loud and clear. It was time to risk her heart, lay it out there for Jackson to do with as he pleased. At least she’d know exactly where she stood with him.
Thought I knew that already.
They were having an affair; no more, no less. She’d fallen in love with him the night it had started but she’d known from the beginning that the fling had no chance of becoming anything else. It’d be breaking the rules to tell Jackson her true feelings.
Rules were made to be broken, weren’t they?
Apparently, but...she drew a deep breath...this could backfire so fast, so badly, she daren’t do it.
She had to do it. It was eating her up, not being honest with him.
Why had she fallen for him? Why Jackson, of all men? Because he was out of reach and so she’d be safe? Wouldn’t have to relinquish her long-held beliefs that she couldn’t love more than one person thoroughly?
Newsflash. You already do love Nicholas and Jackson, and you haven’t once let your boy down in the weeks you’ve been seeing Jackson. You are so not like your parents it’s a joke.
The annoying voice in her head hadn’t finished with her yet. ‘You love Jackson because he’s Jackson, because of all the little things that make him the man he is. The good things and the not-so-good things.’ Huh? ‘The immaculate clothes that are so out of place here, the need to be in charge.’ Oh. ‘Remember the colour of love is sky blue. Happy blue with bright yellow sunshine.’
CHAPTER NINE
THE COLOUR OF love was absent the next morning as Jess drove to the Wilson household. The sky was grey with heavy, rain-filled clouds and they were going nowhere. The moist atmosphere felt chilly after such a hot summer.
Her heart was out of whack, like it didn’t know what rhythm it should be beating. It sure clogged her throat any time she thought about her mission.
‘So don’t think about it.’ Yeah, sure.
‘What can’t I think about, Mummy?’
‘Sorry, sweetheart. I was talking to myself.’ Turning into the long driveway leading up to Ian and Virginia’s house, her foot lifted off the accelerator and the car slowly came to a halt. What am I doing? Is it the right thing? The resolve she’d found at about six that morning had deserted her. Turn around and go home. No. That’s cowardly.
Before she could overthink what she’d come to do, she pressed her foot hard on the accelerator and the car shot up the drive like she was being chased.
‘Hi, Jess, Nicholas. You’re out early.’ Ian sauntered over to them from his packing shed. ‘Just like the boys. Grady was around here before the sparrows woke to take Jackson out fishing.’
Her heart stopped its erratic tattoo as relief whooshed through her. Coward. This is a delay, not the finish of your mission. ‘Isn’t it a bit rough out on the water today?’
Ian shook his head. ‘No. Flat calm at the moment. Perfect conditions. Though it is forecast to kick up early afternoon, but they’ll be back long before then. Hopefully with a bin of fish for lunch.’
‘Fishing? I want to go, too.’
‘No, Nicholas, you can’t.’ Thump-thump went the dull pain behind her eyes. The last thing she needed was Nicholas throwing a paddy because he hadn’t gone with Jackson. Picking him up, she hugged him tight. ‘Sorry, sweetheart.’
Ian ruffled Nicholas’s hair. ‘Sorry, boyo, but Grady and Jackson were having some man time. None of us were invited.’
‘What’s man time?’ came the inevitable question.
Jess held her breath as Ian answered, keen to know what this fishing trip was all about if not catching fish.
‘It’s when close friends want to spend time talking or not talking and doing something together that they enjoy.’
What did Jackson and Grady have to talk about that they hadn’t already discussed last night around the dinner table?
‘Guess we’ll go back home, then.’ She sighed. Home, where she could pace up and down the small lounge. Or make herself useful and bake cookies for her neighbours. Or, ‘Think I’ll go see Sasha.’
Ian frowned. ‘Don’t go before you’ve seen Virginia, will you? She’s a bit shaky this morning and I don’t mind admitting she worries me. I never know how she’s really feeling, she’s so intent on hiding the truth from me.’
Guilt assailed her. She’d become very selfish recently, putting her own concerns before those of her friends. See, loving Jackson did divert her from the other people in her life. ‘Of course I’m going to see Virginia. Is there something you want me to check out?’
‘No. There are two doctors in the family taking good care of her. Driving her insane with all their questions if you want to know the truth. But while I can sympathise with Virginia, I need those boys doing the doctor thing.’ Ian looked glum as he ran a hand through his hair. Like father, like son. ‘Just give her some cheek and pretend everything’s normal, will you?’
‘Come on, Nicholas. Let’s go say hello to Virginia.’
‘He can help me in the shed, if you like.’ Ian looked at Nicholas. ‘We’ve got boxes to make up for the avocados.’
‘Yes, please. I want to help.’
‘Guess that’s decided, then.’ Jess headed for the house, torn between being relieved Jackson wasn’t around to talk to and being disappointed she hadn’t got it over and done with.
* * *
Jackson wound hard and fast, bringing the line in before the barracuda bit into the blue cod he’d hooked. ‘Get lost, you waste of sea space.’
‘You’ve got two cod on those hooks.’ Grady grinned. ‘Talk about greedy.’
‘Saves time.’ Jackson swung the straining line over the side of the boat so that his catch landed in the big bin they’d put on board. ‘Nothing wrong with either of them either. Definitely not undersized.’ He grinned. Not like Grady’s last two.
‘Next you’ll be saying you’ve caught the biggest of the day.’
‘I’m onto getting enough for the rest of the family.’ Grady wound in a fish and Jackson nearly split his sides laughing.
‘Not even Nicholas would get enough to eat from that.’
‘Says the expert,’ Grady grumped, and carefully slid the undersized cod back under the water. ‘You and that boy get on okay.’
‘He likes fishing.’ Hopefully Grady would take him out occasionally. ‘I’ll miss him.’
‘What about his mother? Going to miss her, too?’
‘Definitely.’ More than he’d have believed possible. Hell, he missed her now, missed her whenever they were apart. It had hurt last night when she’d wanted to go home alone. But she was entitled to her space. He didn’t want to encroach on everything she did. Not much, anyway.
‘There’s a job going at the Nelson Hospital ED.’
That he did not want to know. It added to his dilemma about heading away, leaving everyone behind. ‘I’ve got one, thanks.’
Grady dropped his line back in the water. ‘Just thought you should know.’
A tug at the end of his line gave Jackson the distraction he needed. Winding fast, he soon had another cod in the bin. ‘One to go and we’ve got our limit.’
And we can head home to the family. My family. And Jess and Nicholas.
* * *
Jess placed the tray of shortbread in the oven and set the timer. It was quiet in her house. Nicholas had stayed on with Ian, doing man stuff apparently. Thank goodness there were men like Ian to give her boy a male perspective. Jackson was Nicholas’s firm favourite. Unfortunately. His little heart would be broken soon. Had she done wrong, encouraging Nicholas to get on with Jackson? Probably. But, then, life was like that and the sooner Nicholas learned he had to look out for himself the better.
Her cellphone vibrated on the bench. ‘Hello?’
‘I think I’m in labour.’
‘Constance? Is that you?’ The thirty-six-year-old woman wasn’t due for ten days.
‘Yes.’ Grunt. ‘Can you hurry? You know how fast my babies like to be.’
‘On my way.’ Turning the oven off, she ran for her car, whilst phoning Virginia. ‘I’ve got an eminent birth. Can Nicholas stay there until I’m finished?’ She hated asking when Virginia had enough to deal with, but right now she didn’t have the time to collect her boy and deposit him with Andrea and Bobby. ‘I can phone Andrea and see if she’ll pick him up later.’
‘Nonsense. We love having him here. Don’t worry about him at all. Just go and deliver that baby safely.’
* * *
Nicholas waved furiously as they turned up the drive. Jackson looked around, felt a tug of disappointment when he didn’t see Jess’s car. ‘Hey, sport. What have you been up to all morning?’
‘Making boxes. Did you get any fish?’ Nicholas jumped up and down by the boat, trying to get high enough to see what they’d caught.
Jackson swung him up and into the boat. ‘Take a look in that bin.’
Nicholas’s eyes popped out wide. ‘That’s lots. They’re very big.’ He delved into the bin, ran his hands all over the cold, wet fish. Jess would be thrilled when she caught up with her stinky boy.
‘Where’s Mummy?’ The question was out before he’d thought about it.
Grady rolled his eyes and hefted the bin out of the boat.
‘She’s getting a new baby.’ Nicholas picked up a rod and handed it to him.
Grady’s eyes widened and his mouth twitched. ‘Interesting.’
‘Careful of those hooks, sport.’ Jackson took the rod and stood it against the side of the boat and waited for the second rod to come his way. Jess was at a birth. He remembered when Baby Carter had been born and the misty look of longing that had filtered into her eyes. Did she really want more children? Or did she get like that with every birth she attended?
‘You’re looking dewy-eyed.’ Grady nudged him.
Jackson snapped his head around. ‘What? I don’t think so. I am definitely not interested in babies. Not when I’ve got to go back to Hong Kong anyway. No, sir.’
‘The man protests too much. Come on, Nicholas. Help me clean up these fish.’ Grady strolled off to the outside sink and table to fillet the fish, Nicholas stepping along beside him.
Do I want children? Now? With Jess? Turning the hose on, he began hosing down the boat and trailer to remove any traces of salt water.
Yes. Someday. Yes. Cold water sprayed down his trousers, filled his shoes. Damn. Concentrate on the job in hand. Stop asking himself stupid questions. Whatever he wanted, it wasn’t going to happen.
So whose baby was Jess delivering?
* * *
‘Abigail is absolutely beautiful.’ As Jess handed Constance her daughter she heard a vehicle pulling up outside the house. ‘You’ve got a visitor, Tim.’
Tim groaned. ‘Bad timing.’ He didn’t move from where he sat on the edge of the bed his wife had just given birth in.
‘Want me to go give whoever it is a nudge?’ Jess figured these two needed time alone with Abigail and it was an excuse to take herself out of the room.
‘Would you mind?’ Tim looked hopeful. ‘Though I guess if it’s one of our parents there’s no stopping them.’
‘Leave it to me.’ She was already halfway out of the room. The doorbell chimed before she reached the front of the house. Pulling the door wide, the breath stuck in her lungs.
Jackson stood there, beaming at her. ‘Thought I’d drop by and see if you needed any support.’
Leaning against the doorjamb for strength, she waited for her breathing to restart. ‘You’re too late. Abigail arrived ten minutes ago.’
His brow creased. ‘That was fast. From what Mum said, you’ve only been gone a little over an hour.’
‘Constance has a history of short labours, hence the home birth. She didn’t fancy giving birth in Tim’s truck on the way to town.’
Nodding, Jackson said, ‘So you’re all done here? Heading back to town now?’
‘I’ve got some cleaning up to do, and I like to hang around for a while in case there’s anything not right. Though Constance is a seasoned mum, this being her fourth baby.’ But she wasn’t about to leave because of that. ‘I’m about to make coffee. Want one?’ Hopefully the caffeine wouldn’t set her heart racing any faster than it already was. One sight of Jackson and it lost all control over its rhythm.
‘Sounds good.’
Pushing away from the jamb, she straightened. ‘How was the fishing?’
‘Brilliant. You’ve got blue cod for dinner.’ He caught her elbow, held her from moving away. ‘Did you get any of that sleep you wanted? You’re looking more peaky than ever.’
‘Flattery will get you anything.’ She tugged free, only to be caught again.
‘What’s bothering you, Jess?’ Those green eyes bored into her, seeing who knew what? Probably everything she was trying to hide from him.
So stop hiding it. Get it over and done. Stepping past him, she tugged the door shut and went down the steps to the path. Rotating on her heels, she faced him, locked eyes with him again. ‘You. Me. Us. That’s what’s keeping me awake at the moment.’
He froze, stared at her like he was a deer caught in headlights. His Adam’s apple bobbed. The tip of his tongue slid across his bottom lip. Fear tripped through that green gaze. ‘Us.’
Nodding slowly, she added, ‘I know we agreed to an affair for the duration of your time here.’ Damn, that sounded too formal, but how else did she say what needed to be said? Try coming straight out with it. ‘But I fell in lo
ve with you.’
His face paled. Not a good sign. At all. Might as well give him the rest. Might help put him at ease. ‘You’re safe. I said at the time I had no intention of ever getting into a permanent relationship with anyone. That hasn’t changed.’ You are so wrong, Jess. You’d settle down with Jackson in a flash, given the opportunity. Yes, now she understood she would. No argument.
The next thing she knew his arms were around her, holding her tight against his chest. Under her ear his heart was speeding faster than a rabbit being chased by hounds. ‘I’m so sorry, Jess.’
‘I think that should be my line,’ she muttered. But why? What had she done wrong? It wasn’t as though she’d been able to avoid falling for him. It had happened in an instant. Yet she repeated in a lower voice, ‘I’m sorry.’
‘Ahh, Jess, this is all my fault. I’ve been so selfish. But I couldn’t stay away from you.’ Still holding her around the waist, he leaned back to lock eyes with her. ‘You are beautiful, inside and out, Jessica Baxter. I’ve never known anyone like you.’
‘Yet you’re still going away.’ Wanting to pull away before she melded herself to him so he had to take her with him, but needing to stay in his arms for as long as she could, she stood irresolute, fighting threatening tears.
‘I’m sorry.’ His voice was low, and sad, and trembling. ‘Very sorry for everything.’
Jess spun out of his arms and tore down the path out onto the roadside, gulping lungful after lungful of air as she went. Get a grip. She’d known this would hurt big time. Yeah, but knowing and experiencing were poles apart. This hurt so bad she felt like she might never be able to stand straight again. She loved Jackson. End of story. There’d be no happy ever after. Funny how now that she knew that for real, she realised how much she actually wanted it. Desperately.
‘Jess.’ Jackson had followed her, stood watching her through wary eyes. ‘Are you all right?’
‘Oh, I’m just peachy.’ She gasped, tried to hold onto the words bursting from her throat, and failed. ‘Of course I’m not all right. I’ve spent days agonising over whether to tell you or not, but honesty got the better of me, and now I’ve spoiled what we might’ve had left before you head away.’ The floodgates opened and a deluge poured down her cheeks, and there was nothing she could do to stop them.