Their house would be quiet without the little one. She was as bright as a button and he had often listened to her chattering to her dolls, while he pretended to be engrossed in his paper, and been entertained by her imagination.
Briony. He hadn’t liked the name at all when he’d first heard it, but now he acknowledged that it suited her. Carmel would be devastated that they were gone. That little girl had brought his wife a lot of happiness. Now they would be back to living their humdrum lives, and she would get depressed and uncommunicative and he would bear the brunt of that.
And all because Valerie had done things her own way with no concern for herself and gone and got herself pregnant with a spoiled mammy’s boy who wouldn’t marry her. She was surely reaping what she’d sown. She could have had the widow’s pension if she’d listened to him, but the few hundred quid he’d put in the envelope would pay the rent for a month or two until she was settled in and back on her feet in Dublin. She’d be nearly there by now. He should have taken the morning off work and helped her settle in. That was the kind of thing Lorcan Egan would do, he supposed. Terence frowned.
There was no point in comparing himself to another man as far as Valerie was concerned. She and he had never got on and never would, and that was the way of it. He didn’t know if she would welcome his gift or toss it aside, but he had given it. It was the best he could do, considering their relationship. All he’d wanted was for her to be treated properly and to be married before that child was born. What was so awful about that? As long as he lived he would never understand why no one had listened to him. Terence shook his head. No point in crying over spilled milk. He had to get back to work. There was a new consignment of rubber mats, soaps and disinfectants and paper towels in; he wanted to help himself to a few of them.
The first thing Carmel saw when she got home was the little china tea set that she had bought for her granddaughter to play with the previous Christmas. Briony had a selection of toys that she loved to play with. A pang twisted her heart: when would Briony be back in the house again? Never, if Valerie kept to her decision not to set foot in Rockland’s again. She was sure Tessa had many toys for Briony to play with too. Carmel would not be cut off from contact with her beloved grandchild; Tessa and Lorcan and their family would.
Carmel made herself a cup of tea. She was terribly troubled. She didn’t particularly like Tessa Egan but the woman had lost her son and now she was losing her granddaughter. It wasn’t right. And it wasn’t right that Valerie had done a flit without telling her. It would be awful for her to hear from some neighbour that Valerie had moved to Dublin. She didn’t deserve that.
Carmel took a deep breath, picked up the phone and flicked through her address book. She dialled Tessa’s number.
‘Hello?’ The other woman’s voice was flat and sad.
Carmel cleared her throat. ‘Tessa, it’s Carmel Harris. I’m just phoning you because I don’t want you to hear it from someone else. Valerie has moved out of the house and gone to live in Dublin. She says she won’t be back. I felt you should know.’
‘What do you mean, gone to Dublin? When will she be back? Has she taken Briony with her?’ Tessa demanded.
‘Yes, she’s going to live in Dublin to be near her work so she’ll have more time to spend with Briony.’
‘Where? What’s the address? Why won’t she be back? How do I get to see Briony?’ Tessa fired the questions at her.
‘Tessa, she says she won’t be back. And she doesn’t want me to give out her address. I’m sorry,’ Carmel said uncomfortably.
‘You must give it to me. She can’t just take Briony away from us like that.’ Tessa was horrified.
‘I don’t agree with Valerie on this but I must do as she asks me. You were loyal to Jeff once and put my daughter in a terrible position. I must be loyal to her now. As a mother I’m sure you will understand. I’m sorry, Tessa. I just rang you as a matter of courtesy. Goodbye.’ Carmel hung up the phone.
Despite their chequered history she felt the utmost sympathy for the other woman. The loss of a child and the loss of a grandchild were events she might possibly never recover from. Carmel could only pray that Valerie would change her mind at some time in the future. The path of vengeance could only take its toll on all of them.
‘Oh God!’ Tessa sank onto a kitchen chair. She felt weak. Not only had she lost Jeff, now it seemed that she had lost Briony. Could Valerie just whisk their grandchild, Jeff’s daughter, up to Dublin and deprive them of seeing her? Surely there must be some law against it.
Carmel couldn’t just refuse to give her Valerie’s address, could she?
A terrible fear and doubt filled Tessa. Her granddaughter was, as Lorcan had once pointed out to her, Briony Harris. Not Briony Egan. They had no rights. Just as Valerie had had no rights when Jeff had died. Just as she had punished Valerie, Valerie was now punishing her. And Briony was caught in the middle. The innocent victim.
Valerie Harris was a hard-hearted little madam, and she’d got the better of Tessa. She wept bitter tears. She had lost everything.
‘We might never see her again, Lorcan,’ she cried when her husband came up for his lunch from the boat shed, where he had spent the morning repairing nets.
‘All we can do is pray that time will lessen Valerie’s hurt and she will come to her senses,’ Lorcan said, ashen-faced at the news.
‘How can God do this to us? Haven’t we suffered enough?’ Tessa cried.
Lorcan said nothing. A battle raged inside him. He so badly wanted to shout at her, ‘God isn’t doing this to us. You’ve caused this because of the way you treated Valerie. It’s because of you that we have lost our grandchild. Now are you satisfied?’ But he knew it would be the undoing of his wife and the end of them, and so he stayed silent.
He made a pot of tea and ate the sandwich Tessa made for him without tasting it, and when he was alone in his car on the way back to the boat, Lorcan pulled into a narrow lane that led to a field of grazing cattle and leaned his head on his arms and cried his heart out.
It was midweek and people were at work so the traffic was light. Valerie was lucky to get a clear run of lights from Deans Grange to the Merrion Gates. She drove through Sandymount, looking over across Dublin Bay to Clontarf and Howth, and promised herself that she would bring Briony to the coast at weekends to get healthy sea air. Good thing she liked Dublin. It would be a thousand times worse coming back if she hated the place.
Was it true, she wondered, driving up to the new East Link Toll Bridge, that when one door closed another one opened? Certainly she had been extremely fortunate in the house she was moving to. Two weeks after Jeff had died she had asked Carmel to babysit and had spent a day in Dublin viewing flats and houses. Some of the places she viewed she had liked very much but the rents were on the high side and she knew she’d have to share with someone, something she was reluctant to do. The less expensive dwellings were not so well maintained, and one poky flat she viewed was filthy and smelled of cats. Some of the houses had postage-stamp-sized gardens or, in some cases, no gardens at all, and Valerie was desperate for Briony, used to the big flower-filled one in Rockland’s, to have a garden to play in. How she longed to be able to drive up to Mrs Maguire’s and go back to live with her, she thought wistfully, driving along Botanic Avenue after her futile day’s viewing.
The following week she again drove up to the city and saw a small house in Ballygall, which she liked and which was within her price range. She paid a holding deposit to the estate agent, who assured her the existing tenant would be out of the house in two weeks and she could take possession. She drove home, relieved that at least she and Briony would have somewhere to live when she moved back to Dublin.
Two days later the estate agent phoned to say that the landlady had decided to rent the house to her niece and Valerie’s cheque was in the post to her. Valerie had wept despairingly for hours afterwards, convinced that her life was going from bad to worse.
Ten days later she ha
d gone up to Dublin to collect her pay, even though Personnel would have posted it to her in Rockland’s. But she was desperate to get away again and Carmel had once more offered to mind Briony. She’d bumped into some of her friends on their lunch break and they’d asked her to come with them for a bite to eat. One of the girls had asked what her plans were and she’d said that she’d been looking for a house or flat somewhere near where she had lived before but had not had much luck.
‘My sister is looking for a long-term tenant. I wonder, would you be interested?’ Denise, one of her colleagues, said. ‘She’s off on a five-year contract with a hospital in Saudi and she wants to rent out the house but she’s fussy about who to let it to. She hasn’t found anyone yet that she likes. Would you like to meet her and have a look? It’s not far from where you lived before in Glasnevin.’
‘Are you serious? There are lovely parks for Briony, good schools, and the Botanic Gardens, and it’s very handy for work,’ Valerie said eagerly. ‘I’d love to have a look, if it’s OK with your sister.’
‘Let me sort it,’ Denise said. ‘I’ll phone her and see if you could see it this evening, if you like?’
‘Perfect,’ agreed Valerie. ‘But of course, if the rent is too much I won’t be able to take it on my own.’
‘You can talk to her about it,’ Denise said.
The house, when she saw it, was a small, neat, two-bedroom town house, in a cul-de-sac of similar houses off Mobhi Road. The bedrooms were small after what she was used to in Rockland’s but she could fit two divans in Briony’s room. The kitchen-dining room was L-shaped with French doors opening out onto a west-facing back garden with a patio area and well-manicured lawn and shrubs.
‘I’m going to Saudi to earn enough to pay off the mortgage,’ Geraldine, Denise’s sister, explained when she’d finished showing Valerie around. ‘I want a long-term tenant. Not someone who’s going to be gone in six months or a year. If you take it, I’ll reduce the rent. It would be worth it to know someone was taking care of my home for the next five years, not some tenant who didn’t give a toss about the place. If you think you’d like it, I’d like you to have it. It would be nice to know you and your little girl were making a home in my home.’ She mentioned a figure that was within Valerie’s reach and Valerie heard herself say without hesitation, ‘I’ll take it. When can I move in?’
‘Two weeks OK? I’m starting work in a month but I want to go on holiday with Denise before I head off.’
‘That’s fine. I’ll be going back to work at the beginning of November, so that will give me time to get settled in. My doctor was very kind about giving me certs,’ Valerie explained.
‘I hope you can move forward and settle in well here,’ Geraldine said awkwardly, not knowing what to say to comfort Valerie. It was the type of response she was well used to now. People in Rockland’s had crossed the street to avoid speaking to her because they felt uncomfortable on account of her bereavement.
The anonymity of the city would be such a help, Valerie reflected, driving back home that evening. She had phoned Lizzie to tell her the news. She still couldn’t believe she’d finally got a house that really suited them.
‘That’s Jeff sorting things for you,’ Lizzie had said immediately.
‘Do you really believe that?’ Valerie asked doubtfully, wishing it were true.
‘I absolutely do, missy. You watch out. He is still by your side. He’ll never leave you and Briony, Valerie. Trust me on that one. I feel my grandmother around me all the time. Just keep talking to him as if he’s with you and you will find yourself doing it automatically in time, and that way they are never lost to you. That’s how it works for me and Nana. And watch out for white butterflies. That’s always a sign they’re around.’ Valerie smiled. Lizzie constantly spoke to her much-loved grandmother, who had passed away six months before they’d moved in together, so that even Valerie had felt she was still around, and had often said ‘Hello, Nana’ to the lovely photo Lizzie had of her on her bedside table.
‘I’ll try it,’ she said dubiously, knowing that if she started talking too much to Jeff she’d end up giving out to him for leaving her and Briony and mucking up their lives completely. But still, the thought that Jeff had sorted out a house for them gave her some comfort in the weeks that followed as she set about sorting their belongings.
Because the house in Rockland’s had been rented to them fully furnished, she had no need of a removal van. Two carloads of belongings to her new house had been sufficient. She hadn’t told Briony they were moving until the day before, in case she said it inadvertently to Tessa. She had not seen the other woman until the Month’s Mind Mass, and even then Tessa had coldly averted her gaze from her and had not invited her back to the house afterwards. Lorcan had visited her several times, asking if she was all right for money and wanting to know if there was anything he could do for her.
‘I’m OK, Lorcan,’ she assured him. ‘Jeff and I had insurance policies out on each other so I’ll be getting a lump sum when that’s processed.’
‘And you’ll be getting what’s in his Credit Union savings, once we have all that sorted with the solicitor,’ he told her, uncomfortable with the fact that she was not Jeff’s next of kin with automatic rights to all his possessions.
Lisa had called on her way home from work a few times and had asked hesitantly if she could bring Briony to see Tessa. ‘Of course you can,’ Valerie agreed, wanting to keep things as normal as possible. Tessa Egan, although she did not know it, should, Valerie decided, make the most of her grandchild because when Valerie left Rockland’s it would be a long time before she came back, if ever. If Tessa could treat her like dirt, she could return the compliment, Valerie thought grimly that evening when she had returned from the Mass, disgusted with the way Jeff’s mother had treated her. Briony would still have Carmel. Her greatest loss would be Lorcan, and he would be a big loss, Valerie acknowledged, but she couldn’t see any other way forward. Briony was very young. Her memories of her grandparents would fade. It would have been much more difficult if she were older.
As she drove up Mobhi Road, Valerie felt sad thinking of Jeff’s father. He had always treated her with the utmost respect and consideration and he adored Briony. Going to Dublin without saying a word was like stabbing him in the back and she felt guilty about it, but it was the only thing she could do if she wanted Tessa’s toxic energy out of her life.
She would write Lorcan a letter and post it to him today. That would be the final cutting of the ties, Valerie thought, turning left into the small neat cul-de-sac, which would be hers and Briony’s home for the next five years.
Dear Lorcan,
First can I say how grateful I am to you for all the kindness you have shown me and Briony over the years. You are a wonderful man, and a wonderful father and grandfather. Jeff loved you so dearly, but you know that.
Lorcan, I’ve moved to make a fresh start for myself and Briony. The house in Rockland’s is too big and expensive to run now that we are on our own. And without Jeff to help with Briony in the mornings and evenings the commute would be too much when I go back to work, as well as being too expensive.
It is easier to be near work so I can spend as much time as possible with Briony. And, moving now is not as big a trauma for her as it would be if she had started school.
It’s very hard to say this, Lorcan, but I can no longer deal with Tessa’s anger towards me or mine towards her. I am making a complete break and intend never to return to Rockland’s. I said my goodbyes to Jeff at the grave this morning, knowing that his grave will always be looked after by his family, of which Tessa made sure I did not become a member.
I’m sorry, Lorcan. I know all this hurts you terribly and that is the last thing I want to do. I will always be in your debt. You will never know how much your strength, kindness and compassion helped me when I got pregnant and then when Jeff died.
I love you, Lorcan, and so does Briony.
With all my love,
Valerie read the letter, which bore no address, slid it into the envelope and sealed it. She wrote Lorcan’s name and address neatly, licked a stamp and stuck it on the envelope. He would be shocked receiving it, she knew that. But it was Tessa’s fault. The blame lay solely with her. On the phone, Lizzie had said bluntly that she was being spiteful, moving without telling them where they were going, and that Briony would suffer. And Valerie had said equally bluntly that Lizzie could look at it like that if she wanted to, but it had been hard enough dealing with Tessa when Jeff was alive; she was damned if she was going to deal with her now that he was dead, and if Jeff didn’t like it wherever he was, tough. He’d left them to their own devices. She would do what felt right for her, and she wasn’t going to talk to Lizzie about it again.
She’d been huffy when she’d hung up because guilt had niggled at her. She was taking Briony from loving grandparents, but her child was young; she’d adapt. There was plenty to keep Briony occupied in the city, and in time, the Egans would be a faded memory for both of them.
‘Come on, Briony,’ Valerie said to her daughter, who was putting Molly to bed in her cot. ‘Let’s go post a letter and then I’ll take you to the park for a swing. How would you like that?’
‘Yippee, swings.’ Her daughter jumped to her feet and Valerie laughed as she fastened Briony’s padded jacket, and pulled on a fleece herself. Hand in hand, mother and daughter walked out of their new home, into the crisp autumn sunshine, as the leaves skittered gaily around their feet and a white butterfly fluttered along in front of them.
CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT
The first few months in Dublin were the darkest and loneliest of Valerie’s life. Getting Briony settled in her crèche while she went back to work was strange and exhausting. Christmas was a nightmare. She felt she had to put up a tree and make a fuss, and pretend to be excited about Santa’s much-anticipated arrival. It was Briony and the familiar routine of work that got her through. Carmel had come up to Dublin on Christmas Eve and set about ratcheting up the excitement factor for Briony, keeping her occupied while Valerie slipped upstairs to her bedroom to cry muffled sobs into her pillow. She left to drive home to Rockland’s after Briony was safely tucked in bed with her stocking hanging from the bedpost and a carrot and glass of milk sitting on the fireplace for Santa and Rudolph.
With All My Love Page 32