‘I am going to make contact with them. You know that, don’t you?’ Briony eyeballed her mother. ‘I think what you did was mean and vengeful, but I can see why you did it. So at least I know now.’
‘You do what you have to do, Briony,’ Valerie said quietly. ‘I’m sure it will give them great joy to be reunited with you, and they’ll adore Katie.’
What an irony, she thought: Tessa would be renewing her relationship with her grandchild, and Valerie was in danger of losing Briony and Katie if her daughter couldn’t forgive her. A strained silence settled on the three of them.
‘I think they live in Dublin now,’ Lizzie remarked casually, topping up Valerie’s glass. ‘Lorcan’s sister died, she left him her house and they moved up to the city. Tessa found it very difficult living in Rockland’s after Jeff’s death. Lisa and her husband bought their house from them and she runs a crèche in it. Ma keeps me up to date on all the news. Her letters are pages long but I always feel I’m at home when I read them.’
‘Oh, I loved that house,’ Briony sighed. ‘I can still remember it.’
‘Can you?’ Valerie was surprised. ‘You were very young.’
‘I know, but it was a magic place. I can’t remember the house we lived in at all but I remember Dad’s house, and playing there and going for picnics. You know, Mom, when you told me that my grandparents were cross with you because Dad had died and they didn’t want to see us I thought it because it was something I had done. I thought it was all my fault.’
‘Oh my God, Briony, I’m so, so sorry.’ Valerie burst into tears, devastated at the immensity of the consequences of what she’d done after Jeff’s death, and only now truly realizing how much she had deprived her daughter. ‘I can understand if you never forgive me,’ she wept as Lizzie reached across and took her hand.
Briony’s eyes welled up. ‘I wish it hadn’t happened, Mom. I was very unhappy at times and couldn’t tell you, but I kind of understand why you did it. Don’t cry, we’ll get through it.’ She leaned across the table and took Valerie’s other hand.
‘Thank you, darling, thank you. I’ll never forgive myself.’ Valerie wept.
‘No, don’t do that to yourself. We have to put it behind us and move on. We’ve endured enough misery,’ Briony said firmly.
‘Briony’s right, Valerie. The past has to be healed so that you can be free to live your lives the way you want to live them,’ Lizzie counselled.
‘Thank you, Lizzie for always being with us in our hour of need.’ Valerie wiped her eyes with her napkin.
‘You’re always there for me too,’ Lizzie assured her.
‘We can look at the photo album, if you like,’ Valerie suggested, still mopping her eyes. ‘There’s quite a few photos of you and your dad, Briony, and some of them are taken in Rocklands. Lizzie, there are some hilarious ones of us looking like Pam and Sue Ellen in Dallas, with our perms and shoulder pads and blue eyeliner.’
‘Don’t dare ever show them to Rachel. My street cred would be, like, torn to shreds if she, like, saw photos of me looking like that,’ Lizzie warned.
‘That “like” thing – even Katie’s at it.’ Briony threw her eyes up to heaven.
‘It’s all ahead of you and I wish you the joys of it,’ Lizzie grinned, squeezing her hand.
‘Why are you not drinking?’ Lizzie asked her when Valerie brought another bottle of wine to the table, and the photo album. ‘OMG, have you something to tell me?’ Her eyes widened.
‘What do you mean?’ Briony asked.
‘You know . . . not drinking . . . preggers?’
Briony’s jaw dropped open.
Valerie did a double take.
‘Are you?’ she asked, stunned.
‘Um . . . I don’t know.’ Briony was dumbfounded. ‘I actually never thought of that. I just thought I had a dodgy tummy. But now that you say it, it’s a possibility. We’ve been trying for the past two years but no luck, and I’m not using any contraception. Oh, wow! Could I be? Is that what’s wrong with me? It would explain the tiredness as well.’ She couldn’t believe it.
‘Oh, I shouldn’t have said that. Me and my big mouth. It’s just it’s not like you not to have a drink when we’re together.’ Lizzie was a little abashed.
‘Are you saying I’m a dipso?’ teased Briony.
‘I’ve seen you hit the G&T, the Cava, the vino and the Baileys all in the one night. I could tell a tale or two,’ Lizzie said smugly.
‘It’s just as well I didn’t do that this week if I am pregnant,’ Briony said ruefully.
‘It could be that now you’re not so stressed because you’re at home instead of chasing your tail bringing Katie to the crèche and getting to work, your body is more relaxed. Often it’s when you’re not thinking about it that it happens.’ Lizzie speared a sundried tomato and ate it with relish.
‘We can get a test kit over in the pharmacy tomorrow,’ Valerie said. ‘Katie will be thrilled if it’s true.’
‘If it’s a false alarm I’ll be very disappointed now that you’ve put the notion in my head. I’ve wanted another child for so long I’d be ecstatic if I’m pregnant,’ Briony confessed, pushing away the cheese. Now that it was a possibility she was in such a heap she couldn’t eat another bite.
‘I would have loved another child. If Jeff and I had been married I would have tried for another baby, but because we weren’t and because I kept waiting for him to propose, I just stayed on the pill and lost my chance,’ Valerie said sadly. She caught Briony’s troubled gaze. ‘But the daughter I have was the best thing that ever happened to me. I’m incredibly lucky. Briony, I’m so sorry you felt things were your fault. I never realized what I was doing to you. What sort of a mother am I?’ She began to cry again, gutted at what she had inflicted on her beloved child.
‘You had a lot going on in your life. It wasn’t easy, I realize that now. Mom, I had a very good childhood, and I lacked for nothing. You did your very best for me – I know that – so let’s put the past behind us. I love you.’ Briony stood up and came and put her arms around her mother.
Valerie felt a burden lift from her shoulders and float away. It was the strangest thing but somehow she just knew Jeff was by her side.
‘Let’s have a look at the photos, then,’ Briony said lightly.
They sat for an hour flicking through the pages of their past, photos of the house with the sash windows, of Briony sitting on the swing with Jeff standing protectively behind her. A photo of Tessa, Lorcan, Carmel, Lisa, Steven and Valerie standing behind Briony as she blew out the candles on her cake on her third birthday. Photos that made the three of them laugh, of Lizzie and Valerie dolled up for a night out, with Afro hairdos and glittery boob tubes. Eventually tiredness caught up with them and drove them to their beds.
Valerie insisted, despite her best friend’s protests, that Lizzie sleep in her bed. She changed the sheets, and gave her fresh towels and hugged her tightly. ‘Thanks for coming. It made such a difference.’
‘At least the worst is over and Briony knows what’s what, and you can let it go.’ Lizzie pulled her nightie over her head.
‘Yes, it’s a huge relief, to be honest. All we can do now is see where it takes us,’ Valerie said. She was glad to slide into her made-up bed on the sofa. She was exhausted. But unlike the night before, when she was tormented by memories of the past, tonight all she felt was relief. She drifted into a deep sleep and never woke once until Katie leaned over her and tenderly kissed her cheek to announce the arrival of morning.
Briony lay listening to the sound of the sea, her hand on her tummy. Was she pregnant after these past years of longing for a child, a sibling for Katie? How ironic if she were to find that she was to be a mother again at a time of discovering such flaws in her own mother’s parenting.
It was hard to believe that Tessa had acted the way she had. Hard to reconcile the loving grandmother she remembered with the woman whose behaviour had had such an impact on Valerie’s life. She felt Valerie h
ad given a truthful version of what had happened. Lizzie wouldn’t have let her do otherwise. She was glad Lizzie was there because had she and Valerie been on their own, she would have doubted the veracity of her mother’s version of events. If Valerie could lie to her once about such a profound matter that had such a huge effect on her life, Briony would have felt that she could do it again. No, tonight at least she felt her mother had been honest, even when it did not reflect well on herself.
And Tessa and Lorcan – what a torment it must have been to lose Jeff and their grandchild. That was a cruel punishment, no matter what reasons Valerie had. But, on the other hand, it must have been terribly hard on her mother, living her life, wondering did Jeff love her or not and waiting for him to propose. And then when he died, not knowing, ever. Tessa had been cruel to say that he hadn’t loved Valerie. That had shocked Briony.
Valerie had not had an easy life and she’d worked very hard to make sure that Briony had a privileged childhood. She had never wanted for anything, except for her father. How different would their lives have been if Jeff had lived? But he hadn’t and there was no point going there. But she was going to contact Tessa and Lorcan. As soon as she got home she would make it a priority, Briony thought drowsily before falling asleep, worn out after all the emotional trauma of the past few days.
CHAPTER FORTY-TWO
They were like three giddy schoolgirls in a school loo, as Valerie and Lizzie perched on the side of the bath and Briony put the loo top down with one hand and sat on it while holding the test wand with the other.
‘They’re so quick now compared to the old ones.’ Lizzie craned her neck to get a look as she was nearest to Briony.
‘What’s happening?’ Valerie demanded, sticking her glasses on. She was long-sighted now and it drove her mad.
Briony’s hand shook as two blue lines appeared. She held it out to her mother and godmother, afraid to believe her eyes.
‘Yay!’ Lizzie jumped to her feet, grabbed Valerie and they both threw their arms around Briony.
‘I can’t believe it.’ Briony shook her head. ‘Oh, I wish Finn was here to share this. He’ll be over the moon!
‘Are you going to tell him on the phone?’ Valerie asked as they untangled from each other.
Briony wrinkled her nose. ‘I don’t think so. I’d much rather tell him in person but it will be so hard to keep it to myself.’
‘I think you’re right. It’s such a special moment, telling your husband that you’re going to have a baby.’ Lizzie was beaming from ear to ear. ‘I remember when I was pregnant with Killian, I just knew after losing my two other babies that this one was going to be fine, and I had booked us a night in a gorgeous country inn in Norfolk and I told him after dinner when we were walking in the grounds, under a full moon and heavenly stars and it was wonderful. So special.’
‘And I told Finn about Katie in bed on a wet and windy Saturday morning, and we never got out of bed for the rest of the day,’ Briony grinned. They turned to look at Valerie and saw the expression on her face.
‘Oh, Valerie, that was insensitive of me. I’m so sorry.’ Lizzie’s face fell.
‘Don’t be.’ Valerie didn’t want Briony’s special occasion to be spoiled. ‘It was different for me. My circumstances were not ideal but once we got used to the idea we were very happy and when you were born we were thrilled, remember. You were there.’
‘Indeed I was, and out you popped with a little red indignant face on you,’ Lizzie grinned.
‘Why is you all in the toilet?’ Katie opened the door and stood gazing at them. She had been playing The Lotto, one of her favourite games, with her dollies out on the terrace, using her grandmother’s lettuce spinner.
‘What’s that?’ she asked, eagle-eyed when she saw the wand.
‘Aahh . . . ahh . . .’ stammered Briony, glancing helplessly at the others.
‘I was just taking your mom’s temperature but it’s not working very well so I’ll have to get a new one and we’ll just throw this one out.’ Valerie opened the small bin and Briony dropped the wand in.
‘Is you sick, Mommy? I will be the nurse and we will play hospital.’ Katie took charge and led Briony from the bathroom, delighted to have a new patient.
‘Are you OK? I’m sorry about that.’ Lizzie put her arm around Valerie’s shoulder as they stood in the kitchen waiting for the kettle to boil.
‘It was so hard telling Jeff. I knew it was the last thing he’d want. Finding out I was pregnant wasn’t a joyful moment for me. It was one of the worst moments of my life. And it’s only listening to you and Briony that I realize how awful it was. I never had that lovely, special feeling that you and she had. I envy you both that.’ Valerie looked so sad Lizzie nearly cried.
‘At least you and Briony are getting back on an even keel. And it was good for her to hear that. It might knock some of the judgement out of her. She’s never had to endure the kind of knocks you did. Chin up, dearest. This too will pass. Maybe that damn letter was a blessing in disguise. You can finally let go of the past and Briony can make contact with the Egans and Jeff can rest in peace.’
Valerie nodded. ‘I hope so, Lizzie. It really is time to move on.’
‘Don’t be too harsh on your mum, Briony. It wasn’t easy for her. How different was her experience of being pregnant and ours? And she had a terrible curmudgeon of a father who gave her a very hard time,’ Lizzie urged her godchild as they sat sipping coffee under an awning of a pavement café in the pretty town of La Cala. It was Lizzie’s last day. She was flying home that evening.
‘I know. I never realized quite how difficult it was for her. She never spoke about it. I just wished it had been different. I hate to think of what Tessa and Lorcan went through too. Life certainly hasn’t been easy on them either.’ Briony stirred more sugar into her coffee.
‘You can help ease that pain when you go home by meeting up with them. That’s one good thing to come out of this,’ Lizzie pointed out. ‘And I think Valerie will be glad of it after all this time. It’s been a hard burden to carry; it’s time to let it go. And as well as your reunion with your grandparents you have your new baby to look forward to. Enjoy your life, Briony, this is the best of times for you,’ Lizzie advised.
‘I know that. You’re right, thanks, Lizzie,’ Briony said gratefully as a young Spanish man playing a mandolin came to serenade them.
It was market day and the square was heaving. Valerie had taken Katie to the Oriental Bazaar and after another shopping spree they had gone to the big playground on the beach, while Briony and Lizzie had strolled the length of the market, debating bags, pashminas, scarves and shoes. Lizzie had stocked up on spices, and on Valerie’s instructions had bought strawberries, cherries, peaches and mangoes. Briony had dragged her away from the stall with the colourful hand-made crockery when she had been very tempted to buy two large hand-painted serving platters and six matching side dishes.
‘Think, hand luggage. Think trying to get small case closed. Put it down and walk away. Come with me now and forget what you saw.’ Briony had put the palm of her hand on Lizzie’s back and given her a gentle shove away from the stall. She had still accumulated a fair amount of purchases, which were now lying in a multitude of bags under the table.
Briony’s mobile rang and she saw Valerie’s number flash up on the screen. ‘Hi, Mom,’ she said in a more friendly tone than she’d used in the past few days. ‘Yes, we’re finished, OK, we’ll meet you at the car. See you then.’
‘Time to go,’ she said to Lizzie. ‘You need feeding before we bring you to the airport. It’s a pity it’s such a short stay.’
‘It was a lovely break, and hearing your news was terrific.’ Lizzie signalled for the bill.
‘Just as well you came. I wouldn’t have copped on that I was pregnant, I don’t think, and the poor child could have been awash with alcohol,’ Briony said wryly, gathering up the bags pooled at their feet.
They had a jolly lunch at El Capricho, the beachs
ide restaurant Briony had walked to on the day she had discovered her grandmother’s letter. They had ordered a selection of starters, including Valerie’s favourite, paper-thin slices of aubergine deep-fried and drizzled with honey. Valerie had decided on pepper steak, Briony had seared tuna, and Lizzie a prawn salad. Katie had tucked into spaghetti bolognaise.
She played happily on the beach while the three adults lingered over their coffees, enjoying the peaceful vista in front of them, and the sight of the high Atlas Mountains running along the North African coast, across the sparkling blue Mediterranean that lapped the beach below them.
‘I can’t believe I’ve to go home to wind and rain,’ Lizzie moaned. ‘Briony, make the most of this.’
‘I will,’ her godchild said, smiling at her mother.
Valerie stretched out her hand to her and Briony squeezed it.
Mission accomplished, thought Lizzie with satisfaction, raising her face to the sun. Jeff, you’re playing a blinder! It’s all up to Tessa now.
‘Safe journey home, darlings.’ Valerie hugged Katie and tried hard not to cry. She felt terribly lonely as she said goodbye to Briony and Katie before they joined the queue to pass through security in Malaga airport. She had stayed with them through check-in, wanting to spend every last second with them. Their holiday had flown by, the days slipping lazily past in a blur. It had been a time of renewal and reconciliation for Valerie and Briony. Valerie now felt closer to her daughter than she ever had before, the distress and strain of their fall-out over Tessa’s letter easing as long lazy days on the beach and nights sitting out on the terrace talking, brought them back to each other. Valerie had talked about her life in Rockland’s, her relationship with her father, and her sadness that Carmel had succumbed so swiftly to Alzheimer’s.
Briony had shared her worries about Finn being overwhelmed by work, and having less time to spend with them, and her anxiety that her loss of salary would have a greater impact on the family if the recession worsened, now that she was expecting another baby.
With All My Love Page 37