Disclaimer: No cats, butterflies, puppies, or other living creatures were harmed in the making of this book. The author and publisher do not condone placing any animal in harm’s way, even if doing so may seem amusing (or financially lucrative). We love cats!
Copyright © 2014 by Quirk Productions, Inc.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher.
Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Number: 2013911679
eBook ISBN: 978-1-59474-684-0
Trade Paperback ISBN: 978-1-59474-679-6
Designed and illustrated by Doogie Horner
Production management by John J. McGurk
Quirk Books
215 Church Street
Philadelphia, PA 19106
quirkbooks.com
v3.1
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
INTRODUCTION
Embracing Your Destiny
CHAPTER 1
Grooming Your Star
CHAPTER 2
Lights, Kitty, Action!
CHAPTER 3
Clawing Your Way to the Top
CHAPTER 4
The World Is Your Litter Box
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
About the Author
INTRODUCTION
Embracing Your Destiny
Someday, many years from now, your grandchildren will ask about your webcat fortune. “Where is it, Gran-Gran?” they’ll squeak in their precious voices. “And when might we spend it?”
Will you tell them that the money is invested in a 529 college savings plan? That it’s safely stashed in thousand-dollar bundles under your mattress?
Or will you be forced to admit that—despite owning both a cat and a computer during this legendary Golden Age of Cat Videos—you were the only cretin in the world who failed to cash in?
If you answered “yes” to the previous question, then this book is your financial wake-up call. Humans have always enjoyed imagery of the feline species, from the earliest cave paintings through the invention of photography. But now, thanks to the Internet, cat photos and videos can be shared like never before, even with people who don’t want them.
The time to grab your slice of this furry pie is now. Actually, it’s way past now because while you’ve been going around not getting rich off your cat, the Web has been populated with the likes of Ceiling Cat, Maru, Li’l Bub, and Grumpy Cat. Their owners already understand the guiding principle of the twenty-first-century global economy, which can be summed up in a single sentence:
No financial opportunity will give you a greater return on investment than your cat.
Don’t believe me? Take a look at the current economy and ask yourself: Where else can my money deliver a higher return? The stock market? Please. Mutual funds? You don’t even know what those are. A “savings account”? What are you, an eight-year-old with his first bank book? It’s time to get serious about your future. If you’re not putting every cent you have into making your cat an Internet sensation, you are digging yourself into a financial hole that will one day become your own grave.
Now, you’re probably thinking, “I’m not a Wall Street investor. I’m just an ordinary dope who always puts in my ATM card backward.” That may be true, but there’s no reason you can’t expect to achieve staggeringly unlikely results by tapping into your pet cat’s innate money-generating potential. You don’t have to be a financial genius like Jimmy Buffett. Your cat doesn’t have to be talented, smart, or even pleasant to look at. In fact, you can take your cat’s worst physical and behavioral flaws and market them as publicity hooks.
This road won’t be easy. In fact, it won’t even be a road; it’ll be more like a trail of urine that you can see only with an ultraviolet lamp. You’ll face unique cat-related hazards, like cat scratch fever, cat fights, secondhand hairballs, and irritable yowl syndrome. And because your cat is, in all likelihood, a lazy creature who likes to sleep most of the time, you’ll have to work twice as hard for the both of you (which adds up to four times as hard). You’ll need to be a talent scout, a publicist, a savvy producer, a keen-eyed director, a somewhat competent editor, and a save-all-receipts manager if you want your cat to become a revenue-generating meme.
It’s definitely a lot of work. But picture yourself at a cocktail party, reeling off the number of views your latest clip has received while all the other millionaires spit out their drinks in disbelief. It will be so worth it.
CHAPTER 1
Grooming Your Star
You think you know your cat. But do you? Gerald Wenderson of Bayonne, New Jersey, thought he knew his kitty Chalky pretty well. But then one day he saw his chubby gray shorthaired feline napping on a blue blanket, and an idea was born. Now Cloud Cat has become a beloved Internet meme, Photoshopped into the skies from Hong Kong to Hackensack. Surely you’re familiar with his famous catchphrase, “Meow’s the weather down there?” And I’m certain that your cat possesses some special talent or freakish attribute that can propel him into the stratosphere. All you need to do is find it.
How to Identify Your Cat’s Special Gifts: The OBISTPHYBEHO System
What’s the easiest way to identify your cat’s special gifts? Just memorize this simple acronym: OBISTPHYBEHO. It stands for OBserve, Identify, STudy, PHYsical, BEhavioral, HOnesty. Here’s how the system works:
Step 1. OBSERVE. Assess your feline’s potential by taking a long hard look at him. Place your cat in a well-lit room. Study him from all angles, moving slowly so as not to trigger a startle reaction. You should know this cat well enough to pick him out of a police lineup (and don’t think that scenario won’t ever happen).
Step 2. IDENTIFY your cat’s most noteworthy features. You’ll have to ask hard questions. What makes your cat meme-worthy? Why would a complete stranger want to immortalize this animal on a Facebook wall? Remember, your cat will be vying with hedgehogs, pandas, babies, and Bible quotes for that same space. What does she bring to the table? Jot down anything that comes to mind: dreamy eyes, a mellifluous meow, a two-tone coat, the ability to fart while eating.
Step 3. STUDY the notes from Step 2. Do they make any sense at all? Are you even taking notes? If not, repeat steps 1 and 2.
Step 4. Focus on the PHYSICAL. Consider your cat as if he was a physical object; a delicate sculpture perhaps, or a pile of sweat socks. What are his best angles? Does he even have angles? Are most of his flaws confined to one side of the body? Does your cat need dental work, a haircut, or perhaps a bath?
In the world of feline fame, seemingly negative characteristics can be a ticket to wildly disproportionate success.
Step 5. Focus on the BEHAVIORAL. It’s not only the way a cat looks that makes her famous; it’s also the way she acts. This may be the hardest assessment to make since, 99% of the time, most cats don’t do anything. Or do they? Take a closer look … perhaps her whiskers twitch in a funny way when she yawns. Maybe her tail taps out the rhythm to Ravel’s Bolero. When guests come over, is there something she does that visitors find fascinating? For instance, do they comment on the cat’s resemblance to Agnes Moorehead, her cute way of chewing on extension cords, or perhaps her hostile reaction to being touched? Hollywood uses focus groups all the time to test what works. You can, too, just by luring a small group of trusted acquaintances to your home and keeping them in a room with your cat for several hours. Take notes.
Step 6. Employ HONESTY. It’s quite possible that your emotional attachment to this creature may blind you to your cat’s relative lack of pizzazz. You think you’ve got a super-cutie-pie, but
in fact what you have is a gargoyle. You view your pet as a Stephen Hawking–level supergenius, when in truth he couldn’t think his way out of a paper bag (literally). But take heart! In the world of feline fame, seemingly negative characteristics can be a ticket to wildly disproportionate success. It may be painful to acknowledge that your cat is hideous, clumsy, or unpleasant. But none of that means he can’t make bank.
It’s sometimes difficult to be critical of someone you love (even if that someone stalks and kills innocent songbirds for fun). So read on to learn how you can determine your cat’s particular skill set. Figure that out, and you’re one step closer to needing brand-new dreams, because the old ones have all come true.
Who’s Your Tabby? Identifying Your Cat’s Type
There are many ways for a cat to achieve lasting fame. The key is understanding what sort of role your cat was born to play on the grand stage of Internet life, what archetype she most deeply resonates with, what niche she can comfortably settle into (after kneading it with her paws for twenty minutes). In short, her type. Below you’ll find a scientifically plausible list of all possible cat types—that is, all the ones with financial potential—including the distinguishing characteristics that will help you pigeonhole your feline into the proper category.
IS YOUR CAT A SWEET BABY KITTEN?
• Would you describe the cat as “fuzzy”?
• Does the cat approach even mundane objects with wonder?
• Is it hard to maintain your customary cynicism in the presence of the cat?
Managing the Sweet Baby Kitten: Handle this cat gently. He’s young and impressionable, perhaps unprepared for the brutal world of social media. Also, his bones are not completely fused together.
On the other hand, cha-ching! The camera loves kittens. Your footage will practically sell itself. But the shelf life of the sweet, sweet baby cat is quite short, so record as much video as possible before this little fellow loses his looks. Not all cats age well, and it is the rare kitten who can continue working through puberty.
How to film the Sweet Baby Kitten: To highlight the cat’s utter cuteness, use household objects to emphasize his small stature. Try placing him in a shot glass, a shirt pocket, a tube sock, or a Baby Björn. You might also emphasize his poor motor skills and overall weakness. Cover him entirely with a handkerchief. Can he free himself? Finally, try emphasizing the sweet baby kitten’s general inexperience with the world around him. Fire up the webcam as you introduce him to the wonder of: Windows. Dogs. Running water. Shadows.
IS YOUR CAT A LAZY BUM?
• Have you ever checked your cat’s pulse?
• Does the cat refuse to eat food on the far side of his plate?
• Do rodents scamper freely on and around the cat?
Managing the Lazy Bum: Don’t mistake this cat for a loser; you just need to learn a few tips to make your cat’s inertia work for you. You might market your cat as someone who’s living the dream, a feline Lebowski “takin’ ’er easy for all us sinners.” Working stiffs everywhere will vicariously enjoy the loafing and goldbricking he so clearly embodies. Or perhaps he’s more of a Buddha figure, an enlightened being who has realized the value of stillness and peace. He could be an inspiration to all of us who long to escape the hectic pace of modern life.
How to film the Lazy Bum: Test the limits of his nonchalance by provoking him with different stimuli and gauging his reaction. Possibilities include a jack-in-the-box, bubbles, techno music, a spider monkey (if you can’t get one, just use a spider plant and wave the leaves around), chattering wind-up teeth, your grandmother, a Chucky doll, Gregorian chant, a chain saw. The beauty of this approach is that if the cat does react, you have a winning video—but if he does not, you have begun a challenge that could engage your audience for months to come. The world will ask: What could possibly make that cat get off his ass?
IS YOUR CAT A TOTAL BADASS?
• Does the cat swagger?
• If you try to pet him, will he draw blood?
• Has he ever shoved you off the couch?
Managing the Total Badass: Understand that a badass cat doesn’t have to be big and beefy; Chuck Norris is only 5′4″. The key concepts here are presence and intimidation. Your cat’s version of Chuck Norris’s roundhouse kick might be hissing, staring, stretching, uninvited lap sitting, and/or refusing to step aside when you encounter him on the stairs. Capture these moves for the viewing public and there’s money to be made (though be warned: it may only make the cat’s attitude worse).
How to film the Total Badass: The badass cat needs someone, or some thing, to act badass toward. So surround him with other animals (if they have nervous conditions that accentuate his menacing qualities, so much the better). Present him with situations that he should, by all rights, fear, but that you know will just push his buttons: a trip to the vet, a child’s birthday party, a Roomba. Film yourself trying to trim his claws or load him into a cat carrier. Accessorize him with a shoulder holster or a sleeveless T-shirt. Film yourself trying to get those things on him.
IS YOUR CAT A DAREDEVIL?
• Does the cat walk upright, even occasionally?
• Is she the first thing you think of when you hear the sound of breaking glass?
• Do you frequently find her in places impossible to reach?
Managing the Daredevil: Your cat is an adrenaline junkie, and each stunt that she survives sets the bar ever higher for her twisted idea of kicks. Awesome! Her drive for creative danger is going to make your job that much easier. But be aware that spontaneity is a big part of this cat’s free-wheeling lifestyle, so you’ll want to be ready at a moment’s notice to capture the action. The downside? The daredevil cat’s high risk of injury or death. A tiny crash helmet may help (or may just be adorable). You’ll want to purchase adequate death and disability coverage for this animal. It’s tax deductible (perhaps).
How to film the Daredevil: Create some classic daredevil tableaus and see what happens. For example, place ten soda cans in an orderly line. Situate a cat-sized toy motorcycle at one end. Position your camera to capture the entire panorama. Record as the daredevil cat runs into the frame, knocks over the motorcycle and cans, leaps onto the drapes, climbs to the ceiling, and flips over backward to land on the ceiling fan.
IS YOUR CAT A CLOWN?
• Do other cats seem to find your cat hilarious?
• Do mundane tasks, like jumping onto a windowsill, inevitably propel the cat into a series of increasingly outrageous pratfalls?
• Does he take after Harlequin, Pantalone, or any of the commedia dell’arte character types?
Managing the Clown: With their mysterious demeanor and subtle ways, it’s easy to believe that cats exist on a higher metaphysical plane than human beings. Until one does something to convince you otherwise, like spend forty minutes trying to escape from a cereal box. Yes, good times abound with the funny cat. But remember, good times won’t pay the rent. So don’t spend so much time laughing at the cat trying to lift an ice cube with his paws that you forget to capture the comic magic on video.
How to film the Clown: Physical comedy is this cat’s forte, so go with it. Place him in an environment replete with items he can interact with, react to, or trip over: toilet paper rolls, a spool of yarn, a wading pool filled with marbles. For good measure, try leaving a banana cream pie on the counter, or positioning a banana peel where he might slip on it.
IS YOUR CAT A COMPLETE MORON?
• Do you constantly have to remind the cat who you are?
• Has the cat ever eaten from his litter box?
• Does he have trouble pronouncing the word “meow”?
Managing the Complete Moron: When you decided to adopt a cat, you expected to share your life with a higher order of animal. A creature sharper than, say, a hamster or a basset hound. Unfortunately, no species is without embarrassing specimens. We humans have Donald Trump. The feline community has … your cat. I ask you, which species has been brought
lower? Fortunately lack of intellect is no barrier to success! The public loves dumb stars (can’t think of an example right now), so your lovable lunkhead is all but assured of a fine career.
How to film the Complete Moron: Your best bet is to emphasize his uncatlike qualities, such as clumsiness, poor grooming, or fear of mice. Encourage any charming quirks, like a tendency to be startled by his own tail. Place him in situations where he is likely to commit a gaffe, such as stepping on another cat’s head or trying to lick his own reflection. Pit him against a highly skilled cat in contests including ping-pong-ball swatting, string play, and eluding small children.
IS YOUR CAT A HEARTTHROB?
• Do cats of the same sex wanna be your cat, while cats of the opposite sex wanna get with your cat?
• Does the cat get away with bloody murder simply because you don’t have the heart to discipline him?
• Do you suspect people spend time with you only to get close to your cat?
Managing the Heartthrob: Don’t hate him because he’s beautiful. Your cat has been graced with the face of an angel and the body of a cuddly toy. He’s won the genetic lottery … and you, his owner, have won yourself a ticket on the gravy train. Enjoy the ride! Ticket price: regular hair, nail, and whisker maintenance.
Never forget: Your cat’s good looks = your nest egg.
How to film the Heartthrob: Set this creature up with his own YouTube channel and then sit back and watch the “likes” pile up. Soon after, the endorsement deals will start rolling in. Be sure to associate the cat with only wholesome products, so as not to cheapen his image. Just kidding! Grab whatever $$$ comes your way. However, should the cat become entangled in a committed relationship, keep it on the down-low. You want every viewer to fantasize that this feline has eyes for her alone.
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