Cats are universally drawn to boxes of any size or shape because feline wombs are made of cardboard. This behavior stems from a subconscious urge to return to the fetal state (despite the fact that a cat’s life outside the womb isn’t all that different from life inside it). Simply place an empty box on the ground and your cat will step inside, not to emerge for several hours. Try labeling the box in a humorous way: TIME OUT, DO NOT DISTURB, OCCUPIED, RETURN TO SENDER, or CAUTION: CONTENTS MAY HAVE SHIFTED DURING SHIPPING are all hilarious ideas. (Don’t have a box handy? A paper bag works just as well.)
2. STRING
This is a classic, and there’s a reason why: the string can’t fight back. So what you have is a natural-born killer cutting loose, using every lethal weapon in its arsenal, against an enemy whose only defense is to dangle. Everyone loves a one-sided fight! Just be sure you use proper string deployment tactics:
1. Dangle a length of string. If cat fails to pounce, dangle string furiously.
2. Continue until cat attacks string.
3. Let cat wrestle string for 60 seconds.
4. Release string. Wait for cat to lose interest.
5. Repeat steps 1 through 4.
3. BABY
Use a crawling-type baby for best results. The walking ones are just too difficult to work with. Place the cat and the baby in close proximity, and then watch the fireworks! Baby mauls cat, cat spits and hisses cutely. Advise cat in baby talk, “No bite!” and “No scratch baby!” Did you remember to trim the cat’s claws fist? Do that.
4. BIRD
If you can acquire a small- to medium-sized bird for little or no money, do so. Cat/bird videos are basically thrillers, a genre second only to romantic comedies in popularity. To use a bird, simply place him in a room with a drowsy cat. Birds are typically hugely annoying animals, and what you will record is an exercise in feline tolerance. You can bank on the bird squawking, trilling, and pecking at the cat with his beak. The question is, how much will the cat take? Tune in to find out!
5. CONTAINER OF TREATS
For this one you’ll need a box or bucket of cat treats that is clearly marked “TREATS” (do the lettering yourself). Place the bucket on a shelf the cat can reach, but not without some difficulty. Make sure the lid is loose. When your cat inevitably climbs up and immerses his face in the treats, enter the room and exclaim in mock surprise and consternation: “Mon Dieu, Claude! Those treats are for guests!” The startled feline is likely to tumble down and spill the entire batch of treats onto the floor—the exact opposite of what you wanted to happen! For a kicker, have a dozen or so cat extras run into the room and start munching on the scattered treats. LOLwut???!
If the action feels flat, consider turning on the showerhead.
6. BATHTUB
Consider this paradox of being a cat: They love fish, but they hate water. Is it any wonder the typical feline is both repelled and fascinated by fjords, canals, and waterways of all sorts? Take advantage of this natural aversion by perching your cat on the edge of the tub and turning on the faucet. Capture the intensity of her gaze as she ponders her options: Should she jump in? Run away? Keep gazing? If the action feels flat, consider turning on the showerhead.
7. TELEVISION
The television may be an outdated entertainment delivery device—but to your cat, it’s a window into another world. Try turning on something with feline appeal, like a PBS nature show, a documentary about cheese, or Wide World of Yarn. Film your cat leaping at the TV screen, swiping at it with her paw, and otherwise trying to grasp the ungraspable. We’ve all experienced soul-crushingly frustrating moments like that, which is why it’s funny.
8. HUMAN HAIR
You will need an actor with beyond-shoulder-length hair for this one. Place the cat behind a low-backed sofa and arrange the actor on the sofa. Encourage the actor to lean back and fluff out those loose, flowing locks. (Tell the actor you’re filming an ad for Pert Plus.) Zoom in on the cat as he pounces and attacks unsuspecting actor’s head.
9. ROLL OF TOILET PAPER
This one works best with alert and fairly active cats—the kind who don’t wait around for inanimate objects to move before pouncing on them. Place a full roll of toilet paper in a securely mounted wall dispenser. (If there’s not good lighting in your bathroom, hire a contractor to install a dispenser in a well-lit area, like a vestibule or parlor.) Adjust the paper to hang over the roll. That’s crucial. It must hang over the top and front of the roll, not behind it. Allow four squares to dangle. Watch as the cat uses both front paws to furiously spin the roll until all the paper is on the floor.
10. CEILING FAN
This is an easy one, provided you have access to a ceiling with a fan on it. Place a table directly below the ceiling fan. Place your cat on the table—oh wait, she’s already there, because it’s a new piece of furniture in the room. Turn the fan on low. Observe your cat flatten in suspicion at this unnatural vortex of wind. Watch her head spin as she follows the motion of the blades. Uh-oh, she looks ready to jump up at the fan … the perfect place to cut the video and tease for part 2.
11. PING-PONG
Of all the Olympic sports, cats have a natural flair for just one: ping-pong. Feline-style ping-pong is more like handball, if you want to get technical about it. But stop with the irrelevant tangents, because the point is there are three fantastic ways to set up a ping-pong match with your cat. And all of them produce outstanding video: Cat vs. Human, Cat vs. Cat, and Human vs. Human (with Cat interfering).
12. BUTTERFLY
Look, the typical butterfly lives for just days, sometimes even hours. And that’s after a lifetime of stuffing its gullet as a gluttonous caterpillar. So you shouldn’t feel bad for injecting some drama into this insect’s brief and selfish life. Simply release the butterfly and record your cat as she cavorts and leaps in a vain attempt to capture the thing. If the butterfly is uncatchable, you can emancipate it back into the wild, where it will return to pollinating daffodils or whatever it is they do. And should the cat succeed, well, last time I checked there were plenty of butterflies in the world.
13. DOLLHOUSE
When you need a release from the grim realities of cat superstardom, this idea is perfect. Set up a fully furnished dollhouse. Arrange the dolls so they’re, say, sitting around the dinner table. Provide their voices: “So what is it you’re working on, honey? A book about cat videos? That doesn’t sound very promising.” “Yes, your father’s right, it seems like a real waste of your time. Are you ever going back to cosmetology school? You had real talent.” And then: Release your cat and have him lurch into the scene, knocking house and dolls helter-skelter. MONSTER ATTACK! WHERE’S YOUR COSMETOLOGY SCHOOL NOW, YOU LITTLE BASTARDS? So satisfying.
14. GLASS OF WATER
For the netcat impresario on a budget, this one requires no special equipment. Simply fill a tall glass with water. Place the glass beside your cat. He may test the waters with his paw, reaching into the glass and stirring the liquid to determine its viscosity. If you’re lucky, he will knock the glass over, spill out almost all the water, and then insert his entire head deep into the vessel, flattening his ears against the sides and lapping at the remaining water with his tongue. That’s known in the business as “glassnecking,” and it’s gold, baby. There are entire websites dedicated to the phenomenon!
1. The Approach
2. The Dip and Drip
3. The Flick
15. BALLOONS
For this one, you will need 3 to 5 inflated balloons, depending on the size of your cat. (Have an assistant inflate them; balloon-blower’s lung is no joke, and you should take all the standard precautions.) Gently rub a balloon against your assistant’s wool sweater to generate static electricity. Firmly press the balloon onto your cat’s back; it should stick. Continue until the cat is fully covered with balloons. Freaking out will commence. Observe and record.
Certainly a chiffonier would be a difficult choice for this idea, but it might work in a pinch.
What about a blanket chest, don’t you have one of those?
16. CHEST OF DRAWERS
For this option, you will need a chest of drawers. If you don’t have a bureau available, you might try utilizing a dresser or mule chest, or perhaps a sideboard. In some cases a chifforobe might work, or a highboy. Certainly a chiffonier would be a difficult choice for this idea, but it might work in a pinch. What about a blanket chest, don’t you have one of those? In any case, get a chest of drawers. You can figure out the rest yourself.
17. MAN
Some cats just can’t carry a whole two-minute clip (we call those cats “Persians”). If your cat is floundering, consider enlisting a human foil to shoulder some of the dramatic weight. Cat versus man is a classic conflict. Here are some failsafe ideas:
• Man uses dust mop. Cat perceives mop as prey and then strikes, refusing to relent. Man continues to dust.
• Man measures carpeting. Cat perceives tape measure as prey and then strikes, refusing to relent. Man continues to measure.
• Man ties shoe. Cat perceives laces as prey and then strikes, refusing to relent. Man goes with slip-ons.
• Man reads newspaper. Cat perceives paper as prey and then attacks, refusing to relent. Man switches to e-reader.
• Man writes note. Cat perceives writing implement as prey and then attacks, refusing to relent. Man signs off.
18. SHADOW
When times were tough, the wild ancestors of today’s domestic cats believed they could survive just by eating the shadows of other creatures. Which is why your pet has such a strong urge to chase whatever shadow crosses her path. Simply position yourself between a light source and the cat. Rhythmically move an appendage of your choice. When you have attracted the cat’s attention, increase the speed of motion. If your cat is any kind of star, she should attack that shadow as if it were a blind chipmunk she chanced upon in the yard.
19. VASE WITH IMPOSSIBLY SMALL OPENING
Place an empty vase on a table, and your cat will take it as a personal challenge. Are you saying he can’t fit inside the vase? Because he will prove you wrong. Watch as he liquefies himself before your very eyes. HE FITS! Try it again with something smaller, maybe a test tube.
GOOD
Curious cat approaches vessel.
BETTER
Face inserted. Vessel raised to upright position.
MONEY SHOT
Reality dawns in tiny cat cortex, causing cat to reassess.
20. POPCORN POPPER
This concept is an exercise in minimalism. Clear the counter, because there should be only two objects in the frame: A hot-air corn popper and a concerned cat. Like Checkhov’s rifle, the popper is obviously going to play a critical role in the narrative. But how??? What??? Then, suddenly, the popping begins! All the cat can do is ineffectually swat at the domed lid with her paw. It really is like great Russian literature!
21. ROOMBA
Or any of the dozens of brands of plate-sized robotic floor cleaners that have made our lives so much easier. Simply operate the robot as directed, and your cat, if he is like all other cats in the universe, will be drawn inexplicably to the device. He may even be seized by an overwhelming desire to ride on top of the robot, cruising through your kitchen like the Pope through St. Peter’s Square. Give him space. And maybe construct a little miter for him to wear as he rides.
22. FLASHLIGHT
Cats will chase shadows (see no. 18), so it only stands to reason that they would also chase the opposite of shadows, that is, light. Swirl the beam around in a darkened room. Watch how the cat contorts in his vain efforts to stop the motion. Riveting! You did remember to adjust your camera for low-light shooting, right? Great, you just wasted an hour.
23. DOGS
Whether this is genuine fondness or some type of cat mind game is unclear.
In every relationship, there is one who loves and one who allows himself to be loved. That’s what the French say. And if they are discussing cats and dogs, they are correct. Keep one of each in your home, and the cat will inevitably shower the dog with affection. The dog will endure the affection, perhaps out of fear. Whether this is genuine fondness or some type of cat mind game is unclear. But the cute factor is off the charts! Puppies are also good.
24. CHRISTMAS TREE
Few things are as confusing to your cat as the winter holidays. Suddenly there’s a tree growing in the living room? WTF??? In his heightened state of perplexity, is it any wonder that he decides to climb your Christmas tree, nestle among the priceless ornaments, knock the angels from the branches, and possibly take down the entire display? Be prepared with your camera at all times, because the cat may decide to use the tree as a springboard from which to launch himself toward points he could not otherwise reach: chandeliers, china cabinets, ceiling fans, heads of visiting relatives.
25. PAPER BAG
There are few certainties in the high-stakes universe of ailurophilic entrepreneurship, but this is one: Place an empty paper bag on the floor, and your cat will come. Without hesitation, she will enter the bag, scoot to the rear, and turn so that she can see out of the opening without anyone seeing her. She will remain that way for the rest of her natural life, unless and until (a) the bag is poked with a stick or (b) someone walks past the bag. When either of those things happens, BOOM! It’s go-time. Cat springs into action, attacks prey (stick or person), and retreats back into bag. Elapsed time: 0.7–1.3 seconds. Cue slow-motion instant replay.
26. WALL
Cats have a tendency to believe that basic laws of gravity do not apply to them. Sometimes they’re right. And sometimes they’re tragically, entreatingly wrong. That’s what’s known in the business as “the money shot.” If you are patient and/or lack the gumption to wrangle together such props as a piece of string or a friend with hair, you can certainly plunk your camera down next to a wall and wait. Sooner or later, your cat will approach the wall and hurl himself skyward in an attempt to reach a shelf or window. (Accelerate the process by taping an anchovy high up on the wall.)
27. APP
Of course there are apps especially developed for cat interaction, but be careful—they could be potential endorsement deals. Better to save those for later and start with a human-focused app, maybe a pizza-place finder or Bejeweled Blitz. Get the camera in close as your cat reacts to the flashing graphics and peculiar sounds. Will he knock your smartphone off the table? Try to bite your iPad? Classic!
Help! My Cat Rejects These Attempts at Engagement.
If these foolproof no-fail techniques don’t work, consider the time-honored technique of féline vérité. Set up cameras near your cat’s favorite hangouts—behind the couch, in a fruit bowl, on top of another cat—and then walk away. Yes, that goes against your every instinct as a director. But all you need to do is record the animal’s routine, and then later sift through the footage at your leisure to discover a revealing chronicle of this beast’s hopes, dreams, and struggles. What does he do all day, this seemingly simple creature? Is he charmingly destructive? Does he have surprising moments of pathos, drama, frustration, despair? Must he summon exquisite courage just to get through the day? Does he snore?
If the answer to these questions is no, you must consider the possibility that your cat is dull. Let me ask you this: How invested are you in this particular cat? Might it be time to pawn him off to a lonely, elderly relative and get yourself a spunky kitten?
CHAPTER 3
Clawing Your Way to the Top
By now your cat has done his job as a performer. The camera’s off, you’ve swept up the broken glass, and your star is enjoying some well-deserved downtime in a shaft of sunlight. It’s all downhill from here, right? Nothing left to do but release your movie and have your mail forwarded to Easy Street.
Man, are you living in a fool’s paradise. Do you think you can just go to bed early, and magical elves will come into your house at night and finish your work? The odds of that happening are very close to zero. It’s time to pres
s on! Roll up your sleeves. If you’re not wearing a shirt, put one on right now and roll the sleeves up. In fact, considering how much work is ahead of you, perhaps you should invest in a pair of old-fashioned arm suspenders to keep those sleeves up-rolled.
Headin’ for an Editin’
If you’ve followed the advice in this book to the letter, you’ve compiled a real gem of feline edutainment. But that treasure is a diamond in the rough. You’re going to polish that diamond until you can see your own reflection, and in that reflection your eyes will reflect dollar signs back at you. And those dollar signs will be made of solid gold. Welcome to the wonderful world of editing. You will not only trim the fat from your video, but you will refine your vision with music, sound, typography, and color. You’ll use every trick in the book—this book, at least.
Since you recorded in a digital format (didn’t you? DIDN’T YOU?), you have several options for editing that raw footage into something coherent and watchable. It’s possible you already have a video editing program installed on your computer. Did you even bother to check?
How to Make Your Cat an Internet Celebrity Page 3