by Janette Paul
‘That goes without saying. See you this afternoon.’
Dee sat on a bench and thought about what she wanted. Ethan. To see him, to hold on to him for a while. It’d been a thread through her thoughts all night. The first time in days she’d been able to think of him without a bunch of other emotions tainting what she felt. The sensation was uncomplicated, unmistakeable and intense. Not in the least bit scary. But she wasn’t going to call him. She couldn’t tell him what he wanted to hear.
Val was kept in Emergency most of the day, waiting on doctors and tests. Ken paced. Amanda fetched and phoned. Dee sat, stomach tight, nerves shred like frayed electrical cords.
Some time in the afternoon, a nurse pushed open the curtain. ‘Which one of you is Dee?’
She raised a hand.
‘There’s someone asking for you at the desk.’
‘It must be Leon.’ She eased the kinks out of her back, wanting to run far away. ‘I won’t be long, Mum.’
‘I’m all right, darling. Go and stretch your legs for a while.’
She turned into the long corridor, saw the figure at the nurses’ station – and a wave of emotion swelled and crashed inside her.
It was Ethan, as self-assured and strong as she’d ever needed him to be. Like a magnet to a sheet of steel, she walked straight to him, wrapped her arms around his waist and sobbed. Great heaving shudders with tears that left big wet patches on his shirt. He held her until there was nothing left then took her face in his hands. ‘Tell me.’
So she did – all about Val and the tests and the doctors and the fear her mother would wake up alone.
‘How did you know I was here?’ she asked.
‘I got worried when you didn’t answer your phone for two days, so I called your flat and Pam gave me Leon’s number.’ He pushed a strand of hair off her face. ‘He said you wanted a change of clothes. I thought you might need someone to sit with you.’
Tears filled her eyes and toppled over the lids. Weeks ago, she’d told him that all she needed was someone to sit with. She was talking about another time and another hospital. And now he was here.
It wasn’t fair. He wanted a future and that massive obstacle hadn’t simply vanished because he was here to pull up a chair. And she couldn’t let him think it had. She wiped the tears from her cheeks with the back of her hand. ‘What I said about the future, about not … about being …’
He put a finger to her lips. ‘Shhh. That’s a conversation for another day. You’ve got more important things to think about right now.’
Over the afternoon, Ethan pulled some strings, organised a family room and had a tray of fresh sandwiches delivered. His father had had heart surgery twice before he died, he told them. You needed a good doctor and decent food to get through it in one piece.
Later, a heart specialist told them Val didn’t need a bypass but she would need a procedure to open two arteries. She was booked in for the next day and moved to the cardiac ward.
When the doctor declared Val wasn’t about to breathe her last, Amanda decided to spend some time with her family, and Ken went home to feed the cat. As tired and edgy as Dee was, she couldn’t bring herself to leave.
‘I need to sit with her,’ Dee told Ethan. ‘You should go. I’m okay now.’
She watched television with Val until her mother fell asleep, then stared mindlessly at the screen for another hour before Amanda returned from dinner. ‘Take a break, Dee, it’s going to be a long night.’
Yawning as she wandered back to the waiting room, she recognised the opening chords of the late news through the glass. It must be 11 p.m., she thought, then stopped in the doorway in astonishment as Ethan lifted his eyes from the laptop on his knees.
She felt heady, like she’d taken a big gulp of air from Val’s oxygen mask. She walked over, sat down, laid her head against his shoulder and savoured the warm, familiar smell of him. If only the future meant never moving from here.
Dee was beside the bed when Val woke early the next morning. She was fussy and restless, uncomfortable with the new Val – the one who needed a surgical procedure to keep her heart pumping.
Dee and Amanda let her boss them around a while, fluffing pillows, winding the bed up and down, finding more blankets, another magazine. It gave them something to do while they waited. Dee was on the way back from the hospital shop when Amanda tumbled out of Val’s room, tears brimming in her eyes.
‘Oh my God. Mum …? What’s wrong?’
Amanda caught Dee’s arm before she charged into the room. ‘She’s okay. I’m just … oh God.’ Her face broke and she let go a long, shuddering sob. ‘She thinks she’s going to die. She wanted to say goodbye. Just in case. She wants to see you.’
Dee faced the door, mouth agape in horror. She wasn’t ready to say goodbye. There were too many other words that hadn’t been said. She pushed it open hesitantly, saw relief in Val’s smile, as though she’d thought Dee wouldn’t get there in time.
‘You’re going to be fine today, Mum. You know that, don’t you?’
Val reached for her hand. ‘I want to say something before they take me down.’
‘Why don’t you save it until you get back? The nurse said your blood pressure was up this morning. You should try to relax.’
‘I’ll relax when I’ve said what I want to say. Just humour an old lady for a moment.’
A lump lodged itself in Dee’s throat. Val had never referred to herself as an old lady. ‘Okay.’
Val took a drawn out breath before starting. ‘I know how hard it’s been for you since your accident and how much Anthony hurt you. And I want you to know I’m proud of how you’ve tried to put your life back together. If something happens today, my only regret would be that I didn’t get to see you achieve that. I want you to promise me you’ll keep on trying to find your old self, even if I’m not here to help you.’
Dee pressed her lips together, trying to settle her competing emotions. A part of her felt like punching a victorious fist in the air at Val’s recognition of ten years of effort. But her shoulders wanted to slump in disappointment that her mother still refused to recognise what she’d achieved. And her legs ached to get up and pace about in anger, that even when Val thought she was on her death bed, she couldn’t forgive Dee for being the person she’d become.
But she didn’t do any of those things. She just waited for her tears to make their way down her cheeks. ‘Thank you, Mum. I need to know that you understand.’ She gave Val’s fingers a gentle squeeze instead of sending her off to surgery with an argument.
‘Promise me, Dee, that you’ll do something to help yourself. Get your hair fixed, buy some better clothes, give Ethan a reason to stay around.’
Dee slipped her hand from her mother’s, held it to her lips, keeping in words she didn’t want Val to leave with.
‘Promise me.’
She could but it would be a lie. She didn’t want to send Val away with that, either. ‘No. I won’t promise something I don’t want because you’ll be back here in a couple of hours holding me to it.’
‘Dee, I …’
‘No, Mum. This isn’t about my hair or my clothes. This is about what happened between us after the accident.’ Dee took Val’s hand again to soften the words. ‘You wanted me to do it your way and refused to see I had to find my own. If something does happen today, my biggest regret would be that you never got past that to see the person I am now.’
‘I just want you to be happy, darling.’
‘I am happy.’
‘Not like you used to be. You used to be so joyful. You made everyone around you feel the same. You had such a wonderful lightness and a tinkling little laugh and a lovely sparkle in your eyes. I haven’t seen that sparkle since the accident and I miss it, Dee. I hoped you’d missed it, too. I’ve always felt if you got your life back to where it was before the accident, you might find it again.’
Dee said nothing for a long time. She’d been ready to defend her life choices, not a lost
sparkle. Had there been a sparkle? She pulled a couple tissues from a box on the nightstand and passed one to Val. She wiped her own face with the other, remembering the heady weightlessness of her life before the crash. Had it been happiness – or the spangle of an idealist who hadn’t been slapped in the face with reality?
Dee pressed a fist to her chest. ‘My old life won’t make me happy now. And I don’t want to be that Dee if it’s going to hurt me. The Dee I am now is what’s grown out of all the pain and hard work. I’m strong and I’m content. I wish you could like those qualities as much as the sparkle.’
Val was pale and tired and tense but her eyes roamed Dee’s face with something new in them. Her voice was gentle when she finally spoke. ‘I’m so sorry, darling. I haven’t given your Dee much of a chance, have I?’
That was a huge step for Val. ‘She’s a bit of a hippie but she has some excellent qualities,’ said Dee.
‘I’d like to get to know her.’
‘I’d like that, too.’ Dee reached across the bed and held her mother tight, glad that saying goodbye meant saying hello. ‘This Dee also knows quite a bit about relaxation. I’d like to try something with you.’ Val nodded and Dee felt a warm surge of hope. ‘Close your eyes.’ She waited until her lids were down. ‘I want you to try to become aware of the air moving in and out of your lungs.’
She guided Val through a meditation, watching her breathing become deeper and her face relax. When she’d fallen asleep, Dee found Amanda in the waiting room.
‘She told me to be happy,’ Dee said.
‘She told me to relax,’ Amanda said.
It was mid-morning when Val was wheeled away. Amanda disappeared to ring home. Ken arrived and Dee had just sat down with him in the waiting room when Ethan appeared at the door. She stood up again in surprise.
‘Feel like company?’ It was a weekday but he was in casual clothes and bearing cappuccinos, muffins and the nicest smile in the history of man. Dee took the coffee tray from him and tried not to think about what he wanted.
Reece and the girls arrived early in the afternoon, not long before they got the news that Val was fine and would be back in her room soon. Dee hugged Amanda with relief. Then Ken and Reece and the girls. And Ethan.
‘Mummy, how come Granma’s friends aren’t allowed to visit her?’ Ruby asked. She was sitting on Amanda’s knee, her feet on Dee’s lap as they waited to be allowed in.
‘It’s just while she’s not feeling very well. Only the people who love her the most can visit her. Then she won’t feel like jumping up and making everyone a cup of tea.’
‘I don’t like tea so I’ll be allowed to see her, won’t I?’
‘Of course, but just for a kiss and a hug so she knows you’re there.’
‘Granma made Amelia a cup of tea once. Will she be allowed to see her?’
Dee looked across the room at Amelia playing cards with Reece and Ethan.
Amanda ruffled Ruby’s hair. ‘Of course she can because she loves Granma too.’
‘Does Granpa love her?’
‘Yes.’
‘Does Daddy love her?’
‘Yes.’
‘Does Ethan love her?’
‘No. He loves Auntie Dee.’
Dee glanced at Amanda in surprise. Then at Ethan the same way.
‘Does Auntie Dee love Ethan?’
Amanda smiled at Dee. ‘I’m not sure, sweetie, but I think that little glint in her eyes might be a hint.’
She had a glint? Was that anything like a sparkle?
Ruby climbed onto Dee’s lap and peered at her eyeballs like an optometrist. ‘Does it hurt having glitter in there?’
‘I don’t really have anything in my eyes. Mummy’s just joking. Aren’t you?’ She glared at Amanda, wanting her to take it back.
‘When was the last time you checked a mirror, Dee?’ Amanda asked. ‘You’ve got a whole sequin factory going on in there.’
‘No, I don’t.’ Glints and sparkles were for naive people who didn’t know how to protect themselves. She wasn’t that person any more.
She looked at Ethan again, remembering how she felt when he walked into the waiting room this morning – and knew what she had to do.
‘You can see her now. Just a few at a time,’ a nurse said from the doorway.
Dee stood and walked to Ethan. ‘Will you wait for me?’
His smile was enough to break her heart. ‘As long as you like.’
Chapter Thirty
Val was groggy and pale but she smiled when Dee leaned over the bed.
‘I’m still here,’ Val whispered.
‘Never doubted it,’ Dee told her.
Val took her hand and squeezed lightly. ‘Love you, Dee.’
‘Love you, Mum.’
A while later, Dee left her with Amanda and the girls and found Ethan in the waiting room. ‘Let’s go outside.’
The air was cool in the hospital courtyard. Dee folded her arms to keep warm, told herself she wasn’t going to have a panic attack. She’d made a decision. It was time to get on with it. She backed up a bit as Ethan moved towards her – she wouldn’t be able to do it if he touched her. ‘We need to have that conversation now.’
He frowned uncertainly, waited for her to start.
How to explain it? A sparkle in her eye was more than she could bear. No, it didn’t make sense like that. She had to be clear. ‘I … I can’t be with you any more.’
His eyes narrowed in confusion, anger.
Clear as an uppercut, Dee. She shook her head. ‘Sorry. I’m upset and tired and I’m not thinking straight. The truth is I’d be a basket case if you hadn’t been here with me the last couple of days. You’ve been everything I needed. But I can’t be that for you.’
‘You don’t need to be anything for me.’
She shook her head again. ‘You want a future and I … don’t.’
‘You don’t want to get hurt. I get that. I don’t either.’
‘That’s not what I mean.’
‘You’re scared of the future.’
‘No. I’m scared of you.’
His chin came up like it’d been hit. The uppercut claiming its mark. ‘What? Why?’
‘Because you’re just so bloody fabulous. Because I never expected you to be so damn great.’ Tears stung her eyes. ‘And generous and patient and a whole bunch of other things. I thought we’d have a lovely time and you’d lose interest before I got attached. But you haven’t and now I just want to be with you. And I can’t be because one day you’ll walk away and it’ll hurt like hell and I don’t want any more pain.’
He shot out a hand, stopping her before she spun away. ‘You don’t know if I’ll walk away. You might be the love of my life, the piece of my puzzle that completes me.’
Her heart skipped a beat, almost made her do a rethink. But she wasn’t young and naive any more. Like when Anthony said he loved her. She was older, wiser, safer, pain-free. And she intended to stay that way. ‘Be realistic, Ethan. We couldn’t be more different. You’re handsome and sophisticated and smart and there’s so much out there waiting for you. I wouldn’t survive in your world and you’d get bored in mine. The newspapers got most of it wrong but they were right about one thing – we won’t last.’
‘No!’ His voice was hard, determined, but his eyes were uneasy, as though he wasn’t sure how to negotiate this one. ‘Our lifestyles are different but I want the same things you want. Everything you talked about that day after the funeral, about a home and a family and someone to love. I want that too.’
Make-Believe City. ‘That was a game. I never let myself actually want that.’
He pushed a hand through his hair in frustration. ‘Why not? There’s no reason you can’t have that. It’s not like you want to be a male sprint champion. We could make each other’s dreams come true.’
Her heart felt like it’d forgotten how to beat. ‘My dream is to be safe and live without pain. I can’t do that with you. It hurts enough to walk away now.
You talk about investing in a relationship. Well, I can’t invest in something that’s more than likely going to hurt like hell. I’ve had enough pain in my life. I have to protect myself.’
He held out a hand. It didn’t reach her. ‘I love you, Dee.’
The air left her lungs. She knocked his fingers away in case she grabbed hold of it. ‘I wish I could say something horrible to make you leave. But I can’t because part of me wants to hang on tight. So please, please let me walk away.’
He said nothing more. Just watched – anger, frustration, disappointment, pity even, making a mask of his face.
For a moment, Dee didn’t think she’d be able to move. But she did. She turned and walked. She had to. Had to find a way back to her life. Her pre-Ethan life.
Dee’s eyes flew open. She gasped, sat up. Ethan.
Would she ever have another waking thought? She took a slow, deep breath, began with the big circles right and left, grateful that quiet moments like these had kept her sane. She moved through her yoga practice, felt her mind shut down the morning anxiety and her spirits lift at the thought of returning to teaching. It was only a week and a half but it felt like a year.
The cancellation of the DVD was a blessing in the end. She didn’t have to worry about work when Val was in the hospital. And later, after she’d walked away from Ethan, it gave her the time to crawl into a misery cave and not move from her bed for days. But it was time to get her life back on track, and teaching was the only place she knew to start.
She parked in Patrick’s driveway and turned off her phone, trying not to think about the messages she still hadn’t replied to. No point calling when she couldn’t decide what to say.
Patrick opened the door before she knocked. ‘Welcome back.’
‘Thanks. How’s the neck?’
‘Sore.’
‘And the knee?’
‘Can hardly bend it. Leon knows his yoga but he doesn’t understand me like you. If I pay extra, will you promise not to go anywhere for the next six months?’