"Haarumph!" Honorashious grunted in extreme vexation. "The charges," he said in the severest of tones, "of non-consensual assault, to wit, the charges of assault--we concede, for cultural reasons only, and those dubious in nature, to the necessity of the seemingly absurd redundancy of the 'non'--the charges of assault are quite valid, and the legislative actions to dispense with the law null and void, as ruled on previously by the Seventh Juridical."
Horace was unruffled by this predictable response. The silence in the courtroom became total as the barrister warthog looked down and examined his hooves as if ruminating over these words. After a moment he looked up at the owl.
"We are well aware of this ruling," he said with quiet confidence and turned briefly to the crowd as if to encompass them as partners in his rejoinder. "However, the activities objected to by the honorable Perceival Theodilious Reinsgold the Eighth are natural--"
"Irrelative!" Honorashious rejoined.
"They are natural to warthogs," Horace continued, "and the pernicious effects resulting from their illegality are profound! The imprecision of the wording of the ruling of the Seventh alluded to just now by the Magistrate--"
"Haarumph!"
"--the equating of 'assault' and 'non-consensual assault' illustrates the illogic of the Seventh's ruling. Assault is by nature consensual to warthogs. The Hawg City legislature has merely conceded the fact by establishing it in law--in order to clarify such cases as we now have before us, which include non-warthog plaintiffs or defendants--and further designating such behavior as desirable by the addition of the appellation 'non' to the 'consensual,' in accordance with the fundamental precepts of what it means to every individual in Hawg City to be a warthog!"
At this utterance a rumble of approval arose from the audience in the form of much snorting and grunting and stamping of hooves, and Horace turned around and smiled obligingly for the pleasure of the crowd. Although equally pleased by the barrister's argument, the Magistrate rapped sharply with his hoof, and the bailiff shouted at the crowd to come to order. The Sergeant Major, appalled at this lack of restraint, determined to take matters in hand if such outbursts continued.
"Haarumph! A nonsensical play upon the negative," the owl said contemptuously.
"A concession to realities."
"To call a thing its opposite?"
"To accommodate differing perceptions."
"Preposterous!"
"For these reasons," Horace said, raising his voice above the vehemence of the owl's objections, "invoking the third cyclic injunction of appeals--which was delineated by the Seventh--the legislation is considered valid, over and above, and in spite of, the rulings of the higher court, i.e., the Seventh."
The audience reacted to this statement with unrestrained and boisterous glee. Neither the Magistrate's sharp rapping of the hoof nor the bailiff's angry shouts would suffice to restore order to the noisy crowd. The level of excitement seemed actually to increase for a moment, threatening a total breakdown into chaos, and the bailiff considered clearing the courtroom. The Sergeant Major left his post and hopped up and down on his twig-like legs, shouting at the top of his lungs:
"Order'n the court! Order'n the court!" Frustrated at the ineffectuality of his words, the bird attempted to raise his voice even louder. All of his efforts, however, effected only a rise in pitch, which resulted in a shrill and undignified scream of hysteria. "Order'n the court, ye blamed hawgs!" he gasped finally and staggered back to his position, having exhausted the entire extent of his vocal repertoire.
Fortunately, after a few moments the chaos quieted naturally of its own accord and was silenced finally altogether by the sharp rap of the Magistrate, who admonished the audience in the severest of tones that further such outbursts would be reason enough for clearing the courtroom.
The District Attorney's unexpected and seemingly suicidal open challenge to the Seventh Juridical had deeply disturbed the Magistrate. The authority of the higher court was beyond question. The proper means to get around the Seventh consisted of the effective use of mountainous litigation and abstruse argument, not direct confrontation. The lack of subtlety in Horace's approach was uncharacteristic of the barrister, and the Magistrate could only guess at what his next step might be.
Unimpressed, Percy spoke up with impatience:
"The court is reminded," he said gravely, "that the nature and form of this proceeding, called by executive order, is intended to expedite the disposition of these cases--not to raise and explicate complex legal questions."
"Then the Seventh would maintain that litigation is unnecessary?" the Magistrate inquired, leaning over towards the lion as he spoke.
"That is irrelevant. The facts in the case are these: my party was assaulted by a band of young warthogs, led by these three. The charge of assault is brought by myself and my party as against an action to which we object being brought upon ourselves by these individuals without our consent. The court should now see that justice is done."
"The key phrase here is 'without our consent,' honorable Perceival Theodilious," Horace said. "Non-consensual assault is perfectly legal in Hawg City."
"Haarumph! I object most strongly," protested the owl, "to this ridiculous assertion that such activity is legal; but also," the owl glared at Percy with irritation, "and equally strongly, to the--haarumph--imputation that fundamental litigation is unnecessary--haarumph! The explication of these questions is of the utmost importance and will be carried out in full! Haarumph!"
Horace looked down at his burnished hooves, barely managing to suppress a smile of satisfaction. The Magistrate, enlightened somewhat now as to the designs of the barrister, gave him a look full of admiration.
"We have arrived then, it seems, at an impasse," the Magistrate said, sitting back with a smug look. "Questions of the validity of the law will not be resolved today at this hearing."
"Haarumph! Indeed not! Not without litigation to the--haarumph--fullest extent of the law as precipitated by this issue!" the owl barked indignantly.
"We have two choices, then: we may wait, leaving these hogs in jail--"a spontaneous cry of despair was heard from the audience. The Magistrate raised his eyes briefly and paused before continuing, "--or I may decide the case now, based on the evidence, and my own interpolation of the law, affording to the views of the District Attorney and the Seventh an equally balanced validity."
"Leave 'em in the hoosegow!" the Sergeant Major muttered.
Honorashious grunted and stood on one claw, then the other. He looked about the silent courtroom with grave concern, swelled his feathered chest and spoke:
"Your choice, Mister Magistrate--haarumph--although the questions of legality should never have been raised in the first place--haarumph--seems the only one possible. The decision lies with Perceival Theodilious Reinsgold the Eighth."
Everyone looked to the lion, who addressed the audience without hesitation:
"We can not afford to be brought to a state of paralysis while we wait for the resolution of this case through the extensive litigation it would seem to warrant, nor does it seem fair to keep these hogs locked up without some determination of the legality of such. In short, we must move on. We have important business to resolve. Let us bring this case to a resolution. The Magistrate decides."
The Sergeant Major, who glared fiercely straight ahead while listening to these words, muttered under his breath: "I knew it--'e let 'em off."
"Very well." The Magistrate nodded and sat up straight in his chair. "The court will decide the case on the merits of such evidence as we have before us, based on the sole authority of the presiding officiary, and without undue regard shown to carrying it over to jury trial. Will the accused approach the bench."
The three came over and stood before him. Bartruff hung his head. Slag stood proudly, evincing an attitude of confident unconcern. The nervous Squeegie looked about, directing his eyes first upon the Magistrate, then upon the lion, the owl, and so on. The Magistrate grunted and shuffled for
a moment through the papers detailing the charges. Then he looked up severely at the three young warthogs.
"You three have undoubtedly heard and understood the proceedings to this point," he said, pausing with great seriousness. Then, addressing the courtroom generally, he continued: "The charges of non-consensual assault, being contested by this court as to their legality, and in the name of expediency, are hereby dropped in their entirety as connected to the specific cases of the three accused, and will not be held over for trial."
The crowd emitted a pleased rumble, which was immediately suppressed by the forward appearance and combative glare of the bailiff.
"The court would note, however," the Magistrate went on, "that the likelihood that these warthogs engaged in illicit activities out in the savannah, in conjunction with the perfectly legal," and the Magistrate looked significantly at the owl and the lion, "assault--namely, that the investigating officers not only suspect, but are firmly convinced, that hawg hopping activities were engaged in by all of the accused--would warrant strong concern. Are the parents of these warthogs in the courtroom?"
Every eye turned to look with curiosity as Bort Swinson shuffled up the side aisle to the front of the courtroom. From the back, an old sow, her eyes reddened with tears, tottered forward as well. Bort came up and stood beside Bartruff. The weeping sow took her place beside Squeegie.
"Where is the other's?" the Magistrate asked.
"Router's on duty," the bailiff said.
Slag smirked cockily, narrowing his eyes to the merest of slits across his fat snout. The Magistrate frowned.
"He's a trouble maker, your honor," Bort said, erupting in the hurt tones of the innocent. "Without him, none of the others would have done it."
"Now, now," the Magistrate admonished, shaking his head at this unbecoming display of pusillanimous self concern. "None of that, Mr. Swinson."
"Squeegie never did do anything before now," the tearful sow whimpered. "Let him go, judge."
The Magistrate paused for a moment to let the parents calm down, then he went on:
"It is unnecessary for the court to determine guilt or innocence in this case; yet, we know that these three are guilty of the crime of hawg hopping--"
"There wasn't any proof!" Bort interjected. A mournful wail rose from Squeegie's mother.
"Now, now," the Magistrate said with mild reproof, "--we know these three are guilty--we don't need any proof to know that. Captain Campbell has assured us that these hogs were hopping as certainly as the sun will rise tomorrow. If they would have got caught at it," he said, suddenly opening his eyes wide for effect, "they'd be looking at spending some serious time with the modifier--or else locked up in the penitentiary!"
The Magistrate stared fiercely at them for a moment, allowing the full horror of this proposition to sink in. Even Slag's expression had assumed an air of grimness at the mention of the Modifier.
"In summary, we will not hold these cases over for the mere personal satisfaction of the plaintiffs," the Magistrate intoned officially. Honorashious emitted a disapproving grunt. "Nor will we delay the important business of Perceival Theodilious Reinsgold the Eighth to debate further the legalities of non-consensual assault. We will, however, hold over the further debate of said legalities until a future date, when such time will be afforded as is required to fully explore all of the nuances of such a ruling through comprehensive litigation."
A murmur of approval was rising from the crowd.
"Haarumph!" the owl grunted, looking at Horace Peacot and saying sarcastically: "So much for the--haarumph--irrelativity of time, Horace Peacot!"
The district attorney responded to the great horned owl's sarcasm with a narrowing of the eyes and a derisive smirk.
"That's all," the Magistrate said with a sharp rap of the hoof.
The courtroom burst into a cacophonous uproar of snorting, grunting, hooting approval of the outcome. Bort and Bartruff, perfectly free now, turned and walked back with great smiles upon their snouts to take their place among the congratulatory crowd. With an impudent nod at the district attorney, Slag swaggered arrogantly down the center aisle, basking like a hero in the admiration of the spectators as he went. Tottering along behind with her nervous son at her side, came Squeegie's weeping mother, great tears of joy running down and falling from her snout, thanking the crowd, ridiculously, as she went, as if they bore some responsibility for the mercy shown her son.
The three warthogs and their families, such as they were, took their places now among the crowd to observe the next case.
33. The Case of the Bear and the Others
As can well be imagined, the findings of the court and the conclusion of the proceedings in the case of non-consensual assault, which were viewed in the previous chapter, met with the strong disapprobation of all members of our party.
"Truly, an impressive show!" the lion said with bitter irony.
Honorashious could offer no more than a subdued grunt in response. Suffering severely under the necessity of putting on a good face before the triumphant glee of the warthogs, the owl shifted his wings and gave a couple of uncertain shakes to his massive claws. Though debate of the greater question of the validity of assault legislation had merely been postponed, and so in the owl's view the fate of these adolescent warthogs was really of minor concern, the Magistrate's complete dismissal of the charges--charges brought by Perceival Theodilious himself--had come as a surprise. Furthermore, the evident importance the hogs attached to the outcome made it clear that they held just the opposite view of the case--that is, that in their view, the decision of the fate of these three particular hogs far outweighed in importance any of the larger, more abstract issues of the validity of the law--and therefore there could be no question in their minds that they were the victors in the only contest that mattered. The absolute certainty with which the hogs held these views served to lessen considerably the consolation derived by the owl from his more philosophical perspective. In the last analysis, by conceding to Percy with neither supporting argument nor recommendation the choice of the Magistrate, Honorashious, it must be admitted, had exercised a grave error in judgment.
"'e let 'em go!" the Sergeant Major kept on saying with extreme disgust, glaring fiercely all the while at the jubilant crowd. "'e let 'em go, and we did 'n do nothing about it!"
Meanwhile, the rest of our party, the bear and the armadillos and the squirrel, still sat over to the side in the area of the accused, looking on with glum disapproval. Boston shook his head slowly from side to side as if in disbelief, and the armadillos exchanged vehement observations, some of which were accompanied by violent gestures, covering the various points of the case. Only Egbert appeared relieved, apparently pleased at the leniency shown by the court, from which he interpolated a favorable outcome for himself.
"Order in the court!" the bailiff shouted hoarsely at the audience, his words punctuated by the sharp rap of the Magistrate's hoof. "Order in the court!"
Finally the crowd calmed, and a silence fell over the room. At the table Grits Hamby and Horace Picot had been conversing intently, their heads held close together, glancing frequently over at the bear and the others as they spoke. Now, as the Magistrate called the next case, Horace whispered a few final words to Grits and turned to face the bench with eager alertness.
"The next case will deal with violations of the local ordinance against the unauthorized carrying of weaponry," the Magistrate said archly, somewhat overconfident, perhaps, in the satisfactory conclusion of the previous case. "Whereby said individuals are accused by Captain J. C. Campbell, Hawg City Constabulary, of carrying feather swords in plain view on the public byways of the city. Said feather swords were observed in an unsheathed and threatening condition as well on several occasions by Captain Campbell." The Magistrate, comfortable in his overconfidence, now dropped the formalities of court in favor of the more casual, folksy format often employed at such hearings. "Gents, who wants to talk first?"
Honorashious grunte
d and was preparing to speak, but Boston interrupted.
"I'll go first," he said shortly, rising from his seat. He strode deliberately past the table at which Grits Hamby and Horace Picot were seated and approached the bench.
"Haarumph!" the owl grunted with disappointment. On his head the ear-like tufts of feathers twitched in agitation. He had been anxious to redeem any appearance of poor performance on his part which might be inferred from the results of the previous case.
"Your honor," the bear began in the most solemn of tones. He had taken a position before the bench, facing sideways where he could turn easily from the judge to the courtroom as needed. "Having endured just about all of the foul treatment Hawg City could devise for somebody, I must say--and I think it's safe to say that I speak for the others of my party as well--that the conditions of Hawg City in general are appalling. They endanger the welfare of the entire jungle." The bear took advantage of his position now to encompass the entire audience of warthogs in a look indicative of the seriousness of his subject. "The state of the Hawg City prison and penitentiary system and its employment of the Modifier--an infernal machine, of which I have heard, though, thank goodness, so far have been spared the sight--violate the principles and fundamental rights of us all, as supported and explicated extensively in numerous landmark rulings by the Seventh Juridical." Boston looked at the owl, who responded with a grunt of acknowledgment. "The frivolous nature of the proceedings today," he said, turning directly to the Magistrate, "the propensity of the Hawg City court, unlike the Seventh, to use litigation to manipulate the system of jurisprudence, and achieve the ulterior and selfish desires and objectives of various and sundry high placed Hawg City officials, and to subvert justice and fair play, are unconscionable!"
"Here, here!" the Magistrate snapped harshly with an accompanying rap of the hoof. "That's enough of that." He glared at the bear. "The accused will refrain from further comment either derogatory of, or disrespectful to, the court and warthogs of Hawg City!"
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