I wasn’t even sure what she meant by that, but it didn’t matter. Nothing she said really mattered anymore. Like I said, I just wanted her off my back. And who knew what the truth was? It was all mixed up.
I took a deep breath. “Mom, I know now that sending me away was the best thing for me. I know that.” As I said this, she looked up at me with surprise. “We were just kids, and we were in over our heads. We didn’t mean to fall in love after you and Craig got married. It just happened. And we knew it couldn’t last—we knew that. Not with both of us living together. But like Jeremy said, it’s been three years. I’ve changed a lot since then, and he has too. We are strangers, and I’m not attracted to him anymore.”
Mom gave a heavy sigh, maybe buying it. Possibly. After all, Jeremy seemed to feel that way. Why not me? Why?! “I hope what you’re telling me is true,” she said. “Because what Jeremy said is. I won’t be able to babysit you twenty-four hours a day. My job won’t allow it. No matter how hard it is for me to do, in the end I am going to have to trust you. Please, Jodi, I’m begging you, be worthy of that trust.”
Like I’d ever done anything to forfeit her trust. I hadn’t. Ever. No matter what she thought of me, she was wrong. Compared to everyone else in my life, I was an angel. A total saint.
But what she was saying, yeah it was true. I was going to be on my own. Not that I hadn’t been already. But even more. Mom had been holding back on work lately, but she couldn’t keep it up. She had to go away on business trips all the time. It was part of her job. And it wasn’t like Craig would be around to watch me either. He wouldn’t. He and Mom worked as partners doing computer systems consultations, and when they were called out of town, they went together.
They used to leave Erica in charge of Jeremy and me. I guess that was how we were able to be together for so long without being detected. Who knows, maybe that was how we got together in the first place. Jeremy was the one I turned to—for everything. He was the only one around. And after a while, he was all I wanted around.
I went upstairs to my room, but didn’t even make it halfway there before big, fat tears started pouring. I flung myself across my bed, bawling. It killed knowing Jeremy thought of us as strangers. Ripped up my heart. He’d been my everything while I lived here—my best friend, my boyfriend, my everything. Now he was a stranger—a stranger who resented me for living in his house.
Unable to resist, I crawled under my bed to get the wooden box I kept hidden there. Using the tiny key, I unlocked the lid, crying as I gazed through the memories I had of Jeremy. The box contained everything I could hold onto of him—the funny photos we posed for in the photo booth at the mall, bundles of tender, sweet love letters Jeremy had written me, and a golden necklace with a “J” on it.
“It stands for both Jeremy and Jodi,” he had said, helping me put the necklace on.
It had been my fifteenth birthday—the first day Jeremy told me he loved me. I buried my face in the necklace now and sobbed. We had been so in love. I had trusted him beyond reasonable bounds, and yet he had never betrayed that trust the entire time we’d lived together. But we’d only been kids. What could we possibly have known about love, right?
When Mom found Jeremy and me in bed together she had said horrible, filthy things. She made me feel dirty and ashamed. I hated her for sending me away, for making me live without Jeremy. We couldn’t even email each other when I left. Mom had changed the password on the computer, but I wrote letters to him every week, sometimes two or three, but he never wrote me back. I didn’t let that sway my trust in him though. I figured there was some reason he didn’t write to me or call. I was pretty certain that the reason was Mom.
I’d been sent away to live with Dad only a few months before Christmas during the ninth grade. I had to wheedle and beg both my parents to let me stay with Mom for Christmas. I felt bad leaving Dad, but I desperately had to see Jeremy. When I got to the Shade’s home, though, I learned Jeremy had been carted off to his newly married sister’s house for the duration of my visit.
That wasn’t so bad. It was pretty much what I’d expected. But Jeremy didn’t even try to come see me during my two-week stay, and when he did come over Christmas morning he brought a girl with him—a girl the family called his “little girlfriend.” He didn’t even talk to me that morning, or acknowledge my presence. The only time he even looked at me is when his girlfriend kissed him, then he’d glance over at me curiously, like he wanted to see my reaction—like it was all a cruel game.
Mom watched the entire scene that morning, nothing but pleased. I ran up to my room, crying. I flew home the next day, and never saw Jeremy again. Not until today.
CHAPTER 6
“I saw Jeremy today,” I informed Sawyer as we battled each other in ping-pong.
“Really?” He missed an easy shot, apparently distracted by the news. “Where’d you see him?”
“The house. He came over to get his dog.”
Sawyer held the ball, ready to serve. Only he didn’t. Instead, he tilted his head. “So, how did that go, seeing him again?”
“Terrible. My mom and him got in a major brawl. It was all her fault, though. She’s a spaz sometimes.”
“Yeah, my mom was too,” he said as he smacked the ball quickly to my left, making me leap for it—and miss.
“Moms.” I rolled my eyes.
“Yeah.” Sawyer sounded kind of bitter. Immediately, I felt bad. I had absolutely no reason to complain. At least my mom didn’t leave me in the dead of night, never to return. Sometimes I wish she had, but that was beside the point. Sawyer had abandonment issues and who could blame him?
“Hey, we’re starting school next week,” I announced, changing the subject.
Sawyer sounded incredulous. “Why do you sound so excited about it?”
“Because I’m going to be going with you.”
“Oh.” He smiled. “That’s a good reason.”
Actually, I really was pretty excited about it. And really, it was only because of Sawyer. Before I met him, I dreaded the prospect of going to Roosevelt High. What had me petrified was that going to school meant having to face Jeremy every day. I didn’t feel I could take that kind of abuse. But having Sawyer helped me feel more confident. At least when I had to see Jeremy I wouldn’t be roaming around the halls all pathetic and alone.
We played in silence for a while. I was concentrating hard. Really hard. If I won this round I would be champion.
“I was thinking maybe you could come hear the band this week,” Sawyer said.
“Really?” I grabbed the ball, not wanting to mess with it while we talked. To me, this was a big deal.
“Yeah. I mean, next week you’re going to be meeting the guys at school anyway.”
“I would love to hear you play.”
He nodded, like it was settled. He seemed anxious about it, though. “We’re pretty tight now, right?”
“Yes,” I assured him, amazed he was worried. Forgetting the game, I went over to him and took his hand. “Sawyer, your band’s not going to come between us.”
“No?” He still sounded uneasy. “I hope you’re right.”
As he dropped me off at the town library on his way to a gig, he held me tight. “I love you, Jodi.”
“Sawyer,” I didn’t know what to say. Love was a strong word. I didn’t throw it around, or use it lightly. I just … desperately wanted to feel it for someone other than Jeremy. Be able to say it.
Only I didn’t feel I could do that to Sawyer. Still, I had this impulse to just say it anyway. He seemed so anxious, I wanted to calm his fears. And I did like him—a lot. But saying it would be almost like lying. I knew I cared for him deeply, and that I didn’t want to be without him, but … love? Just thinking about it made me sweat.
“You don’t have to say it back,” he said, letting me go. “I mean, don’t say it unless you mean it—that would hurt more, having you lie to me.”
“Sawyer,” I exhaled. This was hard. “I think maybe I
do love you though.”
“Yeah?” He sounded restless. “Well, when you’re sure, let me know.”
“I will,” I said softly.
***
“Kenzie?” I heard the word whispered in my ear. A question. I was in the town library. Reading up on multiple personalities and axe murders—fun stuff. I whipped around one way, then the other. No one was there. I was alone. And now terrified.
“Kenzie?” I heard it again.
Then I saw it. A shadow. Shocked, I stumbled back. It was moving along the wall. Moving slowly. Searching. My heart leapt to my throat. I clamped my lips shut tight, biting back a scream.
“Kenzie?” it whispered.
I dropped my books. Couldn’t move. Couldn’t breathe. I stood frozen, trying to hide.
“This isn’t real,” I told myself. I’m going crazy.
Normally the thought would frighten me. But now it seemed far, far better than actually seeing real shadows—shadows whispering and searching. I squeezed my eyes shut. Tried to breathe. Focus. Jodi, get a grip. You know it’s not real. So, stop it! Just stop! Don’t. Go. Crazy.
I took a shaky breath, then another. Finally, I opened my eyes, willing myself to be better, cured. But the shadow moved along the wall, circling, speaking. “Kenzie? Kenzie?”
My heart slammed against my chest. I struggled to catch my breath, frantically peering around the library, searching for a way to escape, but both the elevator and stairs were across the room; the shadow—real or not—would find me.
I squeezed my eyes shut, still hearing the hushed whispers. “Kenzie? Kenzie? Kenzie?” But I was hearing something else now as well—not just my heart, not just the shadow … my head. There was a voice in my head. It was my dad or Kenzie … or Kenzie and my dad. Someone in my head, they were urging me, “Say there is no Kenzie here. No Kenzie here.”
I couldn’t get the words out. I couldn’t. They were strangled in my throat.
But this wasn’t real anyway, right?
I opened my eyes. Then I whimpered, squeezing them shut again. There were more. More shadows. They were creeping along. Hunting for Kenzie. I swallowed, trying to find my voice—actually make a sound. “There’s no Kenzie here!” I screamed.
And like that, they were gone. The room was empty, quiet. No more shadows. No more whispering. Nothing.
I blinked. “What the …?”
I let out a sob.
I was so losing it.
CHAPTER 7
Tuesday night I waited (impatiently) at my front window for Sawyer. He was picking me up himself since Mom and Craig were out of town. This was the big night, the one I’d been waiting for. I was finally going to meet Sawyer’s band.
When Sawyer finally arrived he seemed nervous. “Maybe we could just stay here,” he suggested. “We’ve never hung out here before. It’s so clean.”
What was his deal? “Sawyer, I want to meet your friends,” I said impatiently. “And I want to hear you play. Don’t you want me to hear you play?”
“Sure,” he said, but he didn’t sound sure.
We were going to Zack’s, the bass player’s house. For the past month the band had been playing in Zack’s garage. Instead of knocking at Zack’s front door, we went around to the garage and let ourselves in. Two guys were standing together at the drums while the third, a tall, lanky blond, sat behind the drum set and beat a rhythm they seemed to be deciding on. All three turned to look at us as we entered the room.
“Well, this is her,” Sawyer announced nervously, gesturing towards me. “This is Jodi.”
“Jodi?” The blond looked confused. “I thought her name was Kenzie.”
I flinched.
“Yeah.” The black-haired guy agreed, his eyes raking me over. He gave a wicked smile. “You never mentioned a Jodi—you’ve been talking our ears off about a Kenzie.”
My stomach took a dive. I felt sick. Sawyer had been talking about Kenzie? I glared up at him, but he was busy looking at the third guy.
Oh!
My heart exploded.
Jeremy.
“Man, Sawyer, this is why you’ve been such a sketch lately?” Jeremy said wryly, sauntering over to us. “Because you’re dating my step-sister?”
“Jeremy,” I choked out in a whisper. What was he doing here?
Jeremy looked from Sawyer to me, his wry expression turning to tenderness. He gave me an affectionate smile. “Hi Jodi.”
My heart thudded. Why was he here? “Hi,” I finally managed to croak.
He came closer to me, touched my hair. Like, caressed it. For a moment we just stood in silence, staring at each other. Had we been expecting this moment—either of us, in any way—I’m sure we would have guarded ourselves, never allowed it to happen. But as it was, in that moment, there was only me and Jeremy. Just the two of us. No one else.
“Hey,” the blond murmured, “that’s Jeremy’s Jodi, huh?”
That snapped me out of my daze, made me step back. How long had Jeremy and I been standing here, staring at each other?
“She used to be Jeremy’s Jodi,” Sawyer said. “But now she’s mine.” He tried putting his arm around me, but I pushed him away.
“You’ve been calling me Kenzie,” I growled.
“I didn’t tell them anything about her.” Sawyer followed me as I stormed out of the garage. “Jodi, let me explain.”
He tried grabbing me, calming me down, but no way. I shoved him and kicked at him. “Stay away from me!”
I shot off running. Running to get away from him, away from the whole situation. I felt nauseous, my stomach all twisty and violent.
Once I started running, I just kept going, deciding to run all the way home. No way was I ever getting back in the car with that backstabbing traitor. My entire being was on fire. I wanted to claw Sawyer’s eyes out.
Sawyer kept an easy pace at my heels. “If you’re trying to go home, you’re going the wrong direction.”
I slowed down, feeling stupid, but I didn’t turn around.
Sawyer caught my arm and tried pulling me to him, but I wiggled away, tempted to slug him.
“I don’t want to hear it, Sawyer,” I growled through gritted teeth. “I don’t. I hate you! I hate you both. You and Jeremy—and this whole twisted game you’ve been playing with me.”
“It wasn’t a game. Jodi, I didn’t tell you about Jeremy being in the band because I was afraid you wouldn’t give me a chance if you knew he and I were friends.”
I fought to hold back the tears welling in my eyes, fought to be strong. Only it was hard. There was a knife in my back. I was about to keel over. “The two of you were laughing at me this whole time? Stupid, crazy Jodi?” I wanted to punch him, slap him, rail on him. “How could you do that to me?”
“No, Jodi. It wasn’t like that.” He put his hands on my shoulders, forcing me to stay. “Jeremy didn’t even know I was seeing you. None of the band did. I’ve been telling them I’m seeing a girl named Kenzie.”
I shook my head. It didn’t make sense. None of it. I brought my hand to my burning throat. “Why’d you say that?”
“Because I wanted time with you—alone. I didn’t want them interfering. Look, can’t you understand that? I just wanted a chance with you.”
I gazed up at him a moment, unsure. He sounded so sincere, looked sincere. I wasn’t so angry anymore, just really, really confused.
“I wanted us on solid ground before you saw Jeremy again,” he explained. “Just understand, okay? I was worried. Man, I was terrified.”
“How did you even know about Jeremy and me?” I asked. Somehow he seemed to know we used to be a couple, but I never told him. I never had the courage to bring up such a painful conversation.
“I’ve been his friend since the fourth grade, Jodi.”
My mouth popped open and he grinned. But then he set his jaw, closing his eyes. When he finally opened them, he stared deep into mine, like he was begging me to understand. “I had a huge crush on you, Jodi—I wasn’t kidd
ing about that, or exaggerating.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “But you never even looked at me.” His voice grew grim. “You never looked at anyone but Jeremy.” He let out a breath. “And Jeremy … he ditched us that year, spending all his time with you.”
“That was a long time ago,” I said softly.
Sawyer nodded. “Yeah. But you guys were intense. I mean, it was like you didn’t even notice there were other people in the world—not when you were together. So, I just wanted to make sure I had a chance to compete with Jeremy before you saw him again. Jodi, I don’t even expect to win, I just want a … chance.”
I narrowed my eyes, furrowing my brow. “What are you talking about? Jeremy and I are through. It’s been almost three years.”
Sawyer tilted his head, not looking convinced. “Okay,” he said after a long pause, like he didn’t want to push it. “So what about us? Are we okay?”
I gazed at him, not sure. He had issues. He was warped. But then … so was I. And he held me when I needed him. When I saw the shadows, he didn’t ask questions. Just held me. Hesitantly, I nodded. “I guess.”
He took my hand, leading me back to Zack’s.
I could see his three friends peeking at us from behind the curtain of the front widow, but when they saw us coming they ducked out of sight.
“So, are you going to come in and hear us practice?” Sawyer asked when we reached the house.
I shook my head, too embarrassed to face his friends, especially Jeremy, after being such a spaz—not that I didn’t have every right to be, but they wouldn’t understand.
Sawyer didn’t try to persuade me to stay. Instead he helped me back into his car. Silently, he held me for a moment, his hands pressed against my back. It was calming. And I needed calming after seeing Jeremy.
As we were getting ready to leave, Zack, the guy with the blue-black hair, came strolling out to us. Sawyer rolled down the window for him and Zack stuck his head in, resting his hands on the top of the car. “You guy’s taking off?”
The Stranger Inside Page 9