My face and ears—my whole, entire body—burned with shame. I took the rubber bands from his outstretched hands without looking into his questioning eyes. I couldn’t look. I couldn’t face him. Ever again.
Still, I could feel Jeremy’s eyes on me, feel him silently watch as I put the rubber bands back onto my wrists. The heat of humiliation sizzled through my body, made my hands visibly tremble. It was beyond mortifying. But I kept putting the rubber bands on, kept being busy, not looking into his concerned brown eyes, only focusing on my wrists and the bands, my task.
Finally, I felt Jeremy’s gaze release me. “Jodi’s back.” His voice was sober, worried. “I guess you can handle it from here.” He handed Sawyer the glass of water he had been trying to get me to drink.
I held back tears, waiting for Jeremy to leave the room before bombarding Sawyer with questions.
“I was Kenzie again.” It wasn’t a question and I could barley choke it out.
Sawyer flicked me a concerned look as he handed me the water. “Yeah, you were.”
I swallowed, clasping my rubber bands. “And Jeremy knows.”
“The whole band knows. It wasn’t like I could keep it from them. I would’ve if I could, but Kenzie told them.”
I gulped down the water, wishing I could disappear … no—not me. I wanted Kenzie to disappear. I needed to keep telling myself that. It was starting to seem too tempting to give up—give in. Now Jeremy knew. It made me feel so sick … and hopeless.
“What did she tell them?”
“That she was Kenzie,” he shrugged, “not you.” Sawyer put his arms around me as tears escaped my eyes.
“I’m embarrassed,” I gasped.
“Don’t be,” Sawyer gave a small smile. “The band—they’re different than most people—more accepting. And they like Kenzie. Besides, crazy?—they think it’s cool.”
I got another glass of water, trying not to let Sawyer see how bad my hands were shaking. “Does Eve know?”
“Eve? No, just the band. And they can keep a secret. They won’t tell people.”
I wished I could believe him. But I couldn’t. The whole thing—split personalities—it was too bizarre. Too out there. It was the kind of thing people loved to talk about—make jokes about. By tomorrow I’d be the joke of the school. Forget making friends, I’d be lucky if anyone talked to me.
Okay. I took a deep breath. All I could do was hope Sawyer knew his friends better than I did. That somehow they really would keep my secret. But I wasn’t counting on it.
The thing was though, besides Jeremy, the people I mostly didn’t want to know about Kenzie was the band. And now they already knew. So.
“Why does my mouth taste so horrible?”
Sawyer handed me his toothbrush with the paste already on it, not bothering to answer. He must have prepared it for Kenzie. The thought made my stomach turn.
“What have I done?”
“You were really … entertaining.” He laughed. “You danced while we played. I had no idea you could dance like that—I mean, it wasn’t ballet.” He laughed again. “So not ballet. And you sang with Jeremy.” He smirked. “You and Jeremy—you had a lot of fun.”
I sat on the toilet feeling sick. “Why didn’t you stop me?”
“I couldn’t. I mean it. I had absolutely no control over Kenzie. She broke up with me by the way. She and Jeremy are a couple.”
I glared down at the ground. Shoot me. Shoot me now. “I didn’t kiss him, did I?”
Sawyer raised his eyebrows. “Jodi, you were all over him—he had to like, fight you off.”
I groaned. “Next time don’t let me go near Jeremy—take me away.”
Sawyer shook his head. He ran his fingers through his hair. “Jodi, I don’t have any control over Kenzie. None. She does what she wants. She doesn’t listen to me.”
“But you’re bigger than I am—drag me to your car and take me home if you have to.”
“I don’t think I should take you home while you’re Kenzie,” he said. “I mean, think about it. What would your mom do? Besides, I don’t think Jeremy would let me take you away.”
I bit on my thumbnail, feeling nauseous. I had a total stranger living inside me. A person who wasn’t afraid to love Jeremy. Tears welled in my eyes again. Sawyer came over, holding me tight.
“Can you take me home, Sawyer?” I asked softly.
“Sure,” he said soothingly, helping me to my feet.
As we left his bathroom, heading down the dark hallway, I could hear someone strumming a guitar and hushed voices coming from the living room.
“They’re here?” I backed away.
“Of course they’re here. Do they ever go home?”
“I don’t want to see them. Sawyer, I’m too embarrassed.”
“Don’t be,” he said soothingly, taking me by the hand, leading me down the hall. I waited in the foyer while he told the band he was leaving to take me home.
I heard Micah ask, “Is she okay?”
“Yeah. She’s fine. But she’s really embarrassed.”
All four of the guys were suddenly in the foyer with me. “Don’t be embarrassed, Jodi,” Micah said. “Not with us.”
“Yeah, you fit right in with the band,” Zack said. “We’re all a bunch of lunatics.”
I was relieved, so grateful, to hear their support. I bit my lip, looking at Jeremy. He was the only one who hadn’t said anything.
He looked into my eyes and I could see his pity. But he didn’t say anything to make me cry; instead he said, “Welcome to the band, Jodi.”
CHAPTER 14
We had a going away party for Trista at Sawyer’s the Friday before she left. It was a huge bash with people getting slopping drunk. The band had a guy named Brody fill in for Micah at the drums for most of the night so Micah could hang with Trista. Brody wasn’t bad, but not nearly as good as Micah. Still, he acted like he was on tour, throwing in solos. I think maybe he was trying to get his girlfriend’s attention more than anything else. Her name was Lindsey. I only know because she had her eyes glued on Sawyer all night. And I found out she was the one that wrote him that weird note—about the come-get-the-information-out of-me. Skank.
At one point I found her huddled in the corner with Sawyer while the band was taking a break. “What’s up?” I asked, noticing Lindsey stiffen when she saw me coming. Sawyer didn’t notice, though, of course. He put his arm around me, totally unaware Lindsey obviously wanted him alone.
“Hey, Jodi. This is Lindsey,” he said nuzzling my neck. “She’s been acting mysterious, lately. She says she has something to tell me.”
Lindsey shook her head, pushing past him. “Forget it. I shouldn’t have said anything.”
Sawyer grabbed her arm. “No. Come on, you want to tell me. Tell me.”
She flicked a look at me, then shook her head. “Forget it.”
I watched her storm away, then turned to Sawyer. “So, what is it? What’s it about?”
He smiled, still looking after her. “I have no idea.” He changed the subject, or maybe it was his way of explaining somehow. “These parties seem way different when you’re not drinking.”
I didn’t see Lindsey for the rest of the night. I might not have noticed that, only Brody kept looking for her. It was kind of sad.
“I think she left,” I heard one of her friends tell him as I stood in line, waiting to use the bathroom.
“She left?” Brody sounded like he was going to cry. Of course he’d consumed so much alcohol he was seeing ponies. Anything could make him cry. “Who’d she leave with?”
The girl shrugged, sounding indifferent. “Maybe she left alone.”
“She didn’t. She’s seeing someone else.” Brody grabbed the girl by the wrists. “Who’s she seeing?”
“Ow!” the girl shrieked. “Brody, let go. You’re hurting me!”
Brody’s grip tightened. “Who’s she seeing?!”
“Hey, let her go!” I yelled, trying to push him away from her.
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Then Sawyer got into it. I don’t even know where he came from. He wasn’t around a second ago. “Brody, let her go—now.”
Brody glared up at Sawyer. “Dude, you better stay out of this.” He sounded totally threatening, swearing under his breath. But he let go of the girl, pushed her away. “You know where Lindsey is, Sawyer?”
Sawyer shook his head. “I don’t know. Look, the gig’s over, Brody. Go home.”
Brody started to walk away, but he looked so mad, I was scared. Suddenly, he did exactly what I was afraid he would do: he turned back around, taking a swing at Sawyer. But whoa, Sawyer had kung-fu moves. He grabbed Brody’s arm, pinning it behind his back. “Go. Home. Brody.”
“Where is she, man?”
“Why would I know that?” Sawyer let go of Brody’s arm, shoving him toward the door.
Brody set his jaw, but he didn’t say anything else. Instead, he spied a group of Lindsey’s friends and immediately forgot about us, following after them.
It was late. The band was done. Trista was getting ready to leave. Not just the party. Us.
“Take care of the band.” She cried, giving me a goodbye hug. “They’re all yours now, I guess.”
She sounded slightly bitter. But who could blame her? She was being dragged away senior year. She had to leave her boyfriend, all her friends, her whole life. Still, this was the first time I heard her sound angry about it—maybe because she had quite a bit to drink.
I hugged her back tight. “I’m really going to miss you.”
“Hey,” she looked me in the face. “You’re going to see me sooner than you think—all the time. I promise.” Then she laughed, like what she said was hilarious.
Micah held her steady. Then he grinned. “She doesn’t usually drink.”
He led her toward the door, but she turned back to me. “Take care of the band,” she said again. “Be nice to them. Especially Jeremy—since he threw me away—gave me away to Micah.”
Hearing her say that made me blink. I stiffened, glancing at Micah. But he just held her gently, looking embarrassed for her, like he didn’t take what she said to heart, like it was just the alcohol talking and she’d be humiliated in the morning. She probably would. Of course she would. She always acted so mature about the situation—Jeremy’s suggesting she go out with Micah, like that was the right thing. Like it was for the best. Only now she sounded bitter about it.
But then she snapped out of her anger, really fast. So fast I figured I’d misunderstood. She patted Micah’s cheek. “You’re nice,” she cooed, smiling up at him all we’re-tight-like. Then she turned back to me, holding up her can of beer as in a toast. “To the band—the best friends a girl could ever ask for.”
I watched Micah walk her out to the car, realizing I had to agree with what she said. I felt the band was my friends, too. Not just Sawyer’s.
Still, it was going to be sort of weird, me the only girl in a pack of boys. Not that I minded. I felt safe with them. They knew about Kenzie, but they had kept my secret. They didn’t tell anyone. No one. That made me feel secure, like I could trust them with anything.
It was nice feeling secure … about something.
***
I jolted up from bed, a strangled scream caught in my throat.
Daddy’s covered in blood, shoving his heart in my face. “I did it for you!” he screams. “I did it for you!”
CHAPTER 15
My dreams were getting worse. And more constant. I couldn’t take much more. I went back on-line, looking for an answer—any answer. Again, I was drawn to that ad for the Psychic Center. Maybe they did dream exorcisms or something. If those dreams weren’t making me crazy, they were definitely helping me on the way. I needed to get rid of them. Fast.
I clicked on the Psychic Center link and read through all their hocus-pocus information, feeling dumb. Blah! There was nothing about “dream exorcisms,” nothing even close. Still, I called Sawyer and told him I needed a ride.
When he came to pick me up, he tried talking me out of going. “The Psychic Center?” He groaned. “Come on Jodi, you have to be kidding.”
I wouldn’t look at him because I knew it sounded crazy. I knew that. But I didn’t care. What Dad did, it was crazy. And this Kenzie crap, it was crazy too. Everything in my life was crazy. So, why not give this crazy idea a try? Why not? “What do I have to lose?”
“A lot of money,” Sawyer said. He sat me on the bed, holding my hands in his, like to be soothing while he shot my (to him) pathetically sad and loony idea down. “You know why they don’t advertise their prices, right? ‘Cause they don’t want you to know. They’re a scam.”
I got up and paced the floor. I was pretty sure he was right—and I was broke. “Well, I wasn’t going to go to the real Psychic Center,” I said, though I knew that wasn’t his point. “Just a knock-off place—it’ll cost less, don’t you think?” We didn’t have a real Psychic Center near us, just a place called The Read Palm. I’d seen it before. It was tiny. “I mostly just want to ask questions—not have a séance or anything.”
Sawyer shook his head. I knew he didn’t understand. I didn’t even understand. But every time I saw that advertisement for the Psychic Center I was drawn to it—like subconsciously or whatever. “What about your friend Grey?” Sawyer asked, trying to change the subject. “He still hasn’t emailed you back about Sophie’s sister?”
I sighed. “No.”
I checked my email constantly. Any message that came in, I jumped on, thinking it was from Grey. But he never wrote me back, never even acknowledged he got my message.
“How long has it been?” Sawyer asked. “When did you send it?”
Not exactly sure, I clicked on my sent-mail, checked the history. But I couldn’t find the message. There was no e-mail to Grey. It just wasn’t there. It was like I never sent it. Weird.
“But you were there when I wrote it,” I said, totally baffled. “Remember?”
“Yeah, I was there—when you wrote it,” Sawyer said. “But I didn’t actually see you send it.”
Ugh! “What do you mean? You were right there.”
“Jodi, I was there when you wrote it, but you didn’t send it—not while I was there. You said you wanted to change something. Then you totally started making out with me, remember?”
No. I didn’t. Didn’t remember that at all. What I remembered was writing the message, and Sawyer was right here, looking over my shoulder. But … come to think of it, I didn’t remember hitting send.
I swallowed. “What else happened?”
Sawyer shrugged. “We went by Sara’s. You wanted to see if Jeremy’s car was there. It wasn’t.”
I blinked. Hello! That did not happen. My heart pounded. “I wanted to go by Sara’s? Sawyer, why would I do that?”
He shrugged. “You said you needed to talk to Jeremy. You said it was important.”
I rubbed my forehead. This was crazy. Either he was messing around, or … Kenzie did all that.
“I actually said I wanted to make changes to the email?”
Sawyer nodded. “You said you wanted to get the words right—you said you’d change it later—then you attacked me.” He smiled. “It was nice.”
Ugh, ugh, ugh! I hadn’t planned to make changes to that email. I didn’t. I just wanted to send it off and get a quick response. And I didn’t suddenly start making out with Sawyer that day, either. I’d been all traumatized, upset about Dad.
All I could remember from that day was writing the email, being satisfied with it, then … nothing. I couldn’t remember anything else, just waking up the next day, confused.
The blood drained out of my face.
’Cause I knew. Kenzie did all that. She must have.
After writing the email, I must have instantly turned into her—and she’d made out with Sawyer, pretending to be me. Why though? She never did that before, pretended to be me. Why would she start now? Besides, I thought she didn’t like Sawyer anymore. I thought she was all into Je
remy. Only Jeremy.
It must have had something to do with that email. She didn’t want me to send it. Why though? It didn’t make sense. But it seemed that was why she all of a sudden made out with Sawyer, to get his mind off the email—so she could delete it before it was ever sent.
But why?
CHAPTER 16
I was restless. Lonely. Sawyer was at his cousin’s wedding in Las Vegas. The rest of the band was—well, I didn’t know where they were. I didn’t hang around them without Sawyer. So, I was alone. And lonely.
I went into Jeremy’s room and closed the door. I put on old CDs that reminded me of him and looked through his closet, fondled his clothes. I did this a lot when Mom wasn’t home. I don’t know why exactly, since it really hurt. It was just something I did. In some ways, I guess it helped me feel close to Jeremy, and tonight I seemed to need that closeness.
I’d just watched an old DVD mom had of the year I lived here before—back when Jeremy and I were “a couple.” It made me miss him. More than usual.
I got out one of Jeremy’s sweatshirts and put it on. It was warm, comforting.
Restless, I moved on to his drawers. They were pretty empty. He’d taken most of his things to Sara’s. It made me realize how pathetic this was. Anything that honestly held any significance for Jeremy was gone. Still, I had to go through it. It was part of the ritual. Essentially, I had no choice.
His top drawer had a few socks, boxers and t-shirts. I undressed and put on a pair of his old sweats. They were big, and I was psychotic, but I didn’t take them off. Instead, I slipped on one of his old concert t-shirts.
In his top drawer, stuck to the bottom, was an old picture-strip of him and me taken from a photo booth. I already knew it was there, since I’d done this many times before, but still, finding it filled me with conflicting emotions. True, it was the only picture I found anywhere, but maybe Jeremy had a whole photo album of his other girlfriends. Maybe he brought them to Sara’s with him. So, in that respect, I couldn’t get too excited. But still, he cared enough to keep the picture all these years. That said something . . . didn’t it? I tried telling myself that it did, but I wasn’t sure. It was stuck to the bottom. It was possible he had no idea it was even there.
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