That made Zack furrow his brow and glance away, like he knew he was what caused my shivering.
“I’m just cold,” I murmured.
But everyone knew I was lying.
***
After lunch, I had to take a make-up quiz in Mr. Daniels’s class. I was tempted to just blow it off. Quizzes weren’t worth that much, and Mr. Daniels gave me the heebie-jeebies. I didn’t like to be alone with the guy. Not that he ever came on to me, but Trista once said he sort of “accidentally” rubbed up against her when they were alone. And I did see him kind of leer at girls sometimes. Not that the girls didn’t kind of flirt with him first. They did. For a teacher, he was kind of handsome, sort of, in an old-guy way. Still, yuck.
But I hated being in his classroom, too. There was something spooky about his class. Something shadowy-like. Only like I said, everything spooked me out these days. So, I couldn’t blow off things because I thought I saw shadows—or I’d blow off everything and curl up in a ball.
Turned out, I went ahead and took the quiz ‘cause Micah came with me as he needed to take it too. The semester was almost over. We needed every point we could get.
When we were finished, Sawyer was waiting for us outside the door. Lindsey (skank) was hanging on him, flirting with him like crazy, not even being semi-subtle about it. She left as soon as I came out, sneering at me—when Sawyer wasn’t paying attention. At least I knew her dirty looks weren’t about my “evil identity.” She wanted my boyfriend. She made that pretty clear.
I gritted my teeth. “So, did you ever find out what her ‘information’ was about?” I leaned against the lockers behind me. “Did you ‘get it out of her?’”
Sawyer grinned. “I like you jealous,” he said, taking my hand, kissing it. “But no. No information. She just dangles that around. I think she just wants attention.”
Duh.
At home, an email from Grey forced out all thoughts about Lindsey’s scheming, or Zack’s staring, or anything else that had happened. My palms started sweating before I finally found the nerve to click on the message. Then my heart sank as I read the email:
No, your dad didn’t have a patient named Kiki Jones—or anyone with the last name Jones. But I’ll keep looking into it. How are you doing? Is everything alright?
I couldn’t answer. Because what could I say? I could lie, I guess. But that was all I could do. Because everything wasn’t alright. Not even close. I had an evil identity lurking inside me. And I was scary.
Maybe the psychics could see the future when they looked at me. Maybe they saw a bloodbath.
CHAPTER 27
… I came to sitting beside Jeremy in his car. I looked around, trying to get my bearings. It was night and we were in Sawyer’s driveway. I’d been sipping on a chocolate milkshake, apparently watching Jeremy while he messed with a cell phone.
“Is that mine?” I asked groggily.
Jeremy looked up at me. “Hey Jodi,” he said gently. He handed me the phone. “Yeah, it’s yours. Kenzie wanted me to put my number in it. She said some doctor was labeled as me.” He grinned. “What’s that about?”
My heart jumped a little.
“Did she talk to him?”
I’d explained to the doctor about Kenzie. He listened with fascination, then said if I sent him eighty bucks, he would “conference” with her if she called. But I hadn’t scrounged up eighty dollars yet. Wasn’t sure how I could. I tried working more hours at Looks—but then I kept spending the extra money on psychics who all threw me out of their buildings saying I had an “evil spirit” about me. Thing was, Jeremy didn’t seem to think Kenzie was that evil. And really, I didn’t feel evil. And wasn’t Kenzie … me?
“No, I don’t know if she talked to him—sorry,” he sounded tired.
I reached for my rubber bands, but they weren’t around my wrists. Jeremy eyed me warily, then silently pulled them out of his pocket. He handed them to me without a word.
I slipped them over my trembling hands, feeling his eyes on me. It made my heart stir and my stomach knot.
“So, what were we doing at Sawyer’s?” I finally asked, afraid I already knew, just wanting to fill the silence and wondering if he would tell me—what he would say.
He didn’t exactly answer. “Sawyer’s inside.” He made it sound meaningful, like I should go in. But then he added, “We just got here—Kenzie and me. We were going to hang out with the band, wait for you. But now you’re here, so … I’m going to take off.”
Ouch. He couldn’t get away from me fast enough. So, it was true. It wasn’t just that I was avoiding him, he was avoiding me too.
“Okay,” I said slowly, reaching for the door, his words like a fist to my gut, hurting me so bad I wanted to double over from the pain.
As I was getting out he said huskily, “You know, you don’t need the rubber bands.”
I turned back to him, clutching them. “I feel like I do. You broke my heart, Jeremy. I’m afraid of you.”
He stared out the window. “You keep saying that.”
“Because it’s true.”
“Jodi … I didn’t want you to go away.” He gazed up at me. “You know that, right?”
I nodded, I knew that, of course. “But Jeremy, you meant everything to me—everything,” I said bitterly, unable to stop the vulnerable truth from tumbling out of my mouth, though I wanted to stop. Tried to stop. But the words just burst out—like they’d been waiting to explode out of me for the past three years. “When Mom sent me away I was ready to die for you. If you would’ve asked me to swallow a bottle of poison and die so we could be together in death I would have drank it, gladly, rather than have to live without you. But she sent me away and you never even tried to stop her—you never even wrote.”
“How could I write?” he asked, sounding just as bitter. “I didn’t even have your address.”
“It was on every envelope of every unanswered letter I sent you.”
“What letters?” he asked. “I never got any letters from you.”
“Then Mom took them!” I shouted, ready to rip his beautiful hair out of his head, every strand. “You should have known she would. You should have known she’d do whatever she had to, to keep us apart.” I started shaking, really bad. I couldn’t stop. Something caught in my throat, strangling me. Still, I went on, choking out my words. “You just gave into her. You didn’t even try to fight her. You let her rip us apart.”
He ran his hands through his hair. “Jodi … I’m sorry. What could I do?”
Kept loving me, I wanted to shout. But I clamped my lips shut, biting down on them hard, so I wouldn’t yell the words that wanted to escape from deep inside me. Only, I couldn’t say anything else either or I was going to start bawling. And I couldn’t. Wouldn’t. Not now. Not in front of him. I was a shaking, shivering mess as it was, clawing at the rainbows around my wrists. So pathetic.
Jeremy’s gaze flickered from my face to my rubber bands, then back out the window. He let out a breath. “Jodi, I’m so sorry that I hurt you.” He looked back at me, into my eyes. “But,” he paused, “you weren’t the only one in pain, Jodi. I swear, you broke my heart.”
I sat ridged in the seat, my heart pounding. He twisted everything around, made facts fuzzy and uncertain. I used to think he did it as a game, to play with my heart, but now it seemed he did it to be kind. To try to soothe my memory of the past, make it not hurt so bad. But he couldn’t—because I was there. I lived it. I knew the truth.
He’d gotten over me—he went on. He didn’t love me and he had to prove it to me—because I was pathetic and held on, even as he gently tried to let go. That Christmas he had to be cruel to get me to see. Okay. I got that now. But still, that didn’t change anything. He broke my heart. I didn’t break his.
… Unless he was saying it broke his heart to have to be cruel to me.
Oh.
My heart squeezed. That’s what he was saying.
I gazed over at him, into his haunted eyes. All week
those eyes had been on me. All week they seemed to profess deep, convoluted feelings of some sort. I’d mistook his concern for love. Deep, unyielding love. For me. All week I tried to tell myself I was wrong, though—that I was fooling myself, it wasn’t love I saw there, I was totally delusional—but at night, before going to sleep, I almost believed it anyway—it was love.
I was so pathetic.
What did he have to do for me to get it? I was too hurt and vulnerable and confused. Forever wanting to believe things I knew weren’t true. No matter what he did. No matter what he said.
I tore my gaze away from him and stared out the window.
It seemed his soul-felt confession of pain—heartbreak at losing me—all of it—only came because of the rubber bands. He was trying to soothe me. Again. Trying to calm my aching heart, make me feel as though I wasn’t alone, that he was hurting too. It was all just to help me not need the rubber bands around him. But that wasn’t fair. It made me feel stupid. And mad. He was just telling me what I wanted to hear. Over and over. Just like his eyes.
It made me bitter all over again. I snarled at him. “Right. I hurt you.”
“Look, it doesn’t matter if you believe me.” His voice was so gentle. It made me ache. Ready to cry. “Jodi, I’m sorry I hurt you. If you need the rubber bands to be around me and doctor’s phone numbers marked with my name, okay. Whatever. It’s okay.” He paused. “But Jodi, just know I meant what I said—it wasn’t easy for me—getting over you. It tore me apart.”
I got out of his car, feeling as though my heart was breaking all over again. I couldn’t go into Sawyer’s—let him hold me and try to make me feel better, because he couldn’t. And it wasn’t fair for me to let him try.
Instead, I ran home, crying.
Jeremy followed me on foot. Way back, like so I wouldn’t notice. As soon as I got home safely, he turned away, heading back to Sawyer’s without saying a word.
CHAPTER 28
After the night Jeremy followed me home, I went back to my usual—avoiding him. But it didn’t last long. A few days later as I was leaving the school library, Jeremy appeared at my shoulder. His lips quirked into this adorable grin he has, full of playful mischief. It got my heart pumping all wild and I had to look away from him, act interested in the group of girls passing us. I had an amazing boyfriend, a wonderful boyfriend … it sucked that every time I was around Jeremy I sort of forgot that.
Jeremy leaned into me close, confidential-like. “I was watching you. You were really engrossed in your work.” He leaned closer. “It was cute.”
I blinked up at him. I had been engrossed in my work. I’d been using the library’s computer, reading up on violent psychosis, trying to keep the world safe from my alter ego.
Still, my heart fluttered. “What, you were stalking me?”
“Yeah, sort of.” Jeremy snatched my hand, pulling me into the janitor’s closet. He flipped on the light as I whirled around to face him, my heart all in an uproar.
“Wh—?”
Jeremy rubbed at his mouth with his hand fighting back a grin, watching me flush and stammer. His eyes sparkled with amusement. Obviously, I was entertaining in my confusion. Great. But what the—? What were we doing in the janitor’s closet?
“I don’t want you avoiding me anymore,” he said. “I don’t like it.”
I bit my lip. The last time we actually spoke was the night he silently followed me home, then turned away, leaving me on my porch to sob alone. “I thought we were avoiding each other.”
He raised his eyebrows. “I’m not the one wielding rubber bands.”
I needed to get out of here—away from him, now, fast. He had no idea what he was doing to my heart, with his “I love you” eyes and his soft, pink lips. But being with him—holed up in this intimate little closet, so close I could feel his heat—had me remembering, way too vividly, us freshman year, kissing in Mr. Felix’s closet every chance we got between classes.
“Okay,” I said huskily, purposely keeping my hands folded together so they wouldn’t wander to my wrists. “I won’t avoid you anymore.”
He blocked my way as I tried to leave the closet, edging me against the door. My breath caught and my knees went weak, his hungry eyes lingering on mine, heating up my body. Gentle, gentle he brushed my hair back behind my shoulders, “So we’re good?”
I nodded, unable to speak.
He didn’t pull his hands away. Instead, he reverently ran his fingers through my hair as he drew his face in toward mine, making my heart do acrobats. For a frantic, breathless moment I thought he was going to kiss me. I could almost feel his lips brush against mine. But he didn’t. Didn’t kiss me. Instead, he groaned. Then backed away.
“Sorry.” He backed away further still. Gave me a weak smile, gesturing at our surroundings. “Old habit.”
I swallowed and nodded, my heart aching.
His eyes lingered on mine. “It’ll get easier, Jodi.”
He said it like he knew I wasn’t over him, like he knew I had been longing for that kiss—burning for it. He could probably see it in my face. That I wanted that kiss more than air to continue breathing.
He dragged his eyes away from me, moving out of my path, silently opening the door for me so I could make my escape.
“I’m sorry Jodi,” he said as I passed him, his voice so soft I almost didn’t hear.
He said that a lot.
CHAPTER 29
Sawyer’s the only person here at this table I care about. At least that’s what I tried telling myself as we gathered in the formal dining room for Thanksgiving dinner. The problem was, Jeremy was sitting right across the table from me. And he was wearing a suit. I’d never seen him in a suit before. He looked yummy hot. So good. Any time I accidentally glanced at him, I practically drooled. But he’d brought a girl with him. It was kind of Mom’s suggestion. I mean, she told him to bring a guest. Somehow his “guests” were always beautiful blondes.
It was just I hadn’t seen him with a “guest” in a while and seeing it now punctured my heart, wounded me deep, deep, deep. But I tried telling myself it was a good thing. It opened my eyes wide, once again. Let me know where I really, truly stood with Jeremy. All his lingering stares, his eyes full of love—it was all just in my head. Just another crazy delusion.
“Jodi, the phone’s for you,” Mom said coming out of the kitchen, sounding harassed as she served out the pumpkin pie. “It’s Grey.”
My heart gave a painful jump. We’d e-mailed, of course, strictly-to-the-point messages about my dad, but it had been a long time since we actually spoke—since I heard his voice.
I glanced up at Sawyer before heading for the kitchen phone. I could see anxiety in his eyes, but he gave me a small smile. It was cruel of Mom announcing it was Grey. I was surprised she was so willing to hurt Sawyer just to take a spiteful stab at Jeremy, who probably didn’t even know who Grey was.
I stumbled to the kitchen. “Hello?”
Grey greeted me with an anxious voice, then said, “It’s about your dad.”
My stomach clenched, waiting for him to go on, all other thoughts completely out of my head—Sawyer, Jeremy, Grey—gone.
“Okay, you know how I said Kiki wasn’t a patient of your Dad’s?”
I swallowed. “Yeah.”
“Well, she wasn’t. But I just found out, she was a patient of yours, sort of.”
I furrowed my brow. “Grey … what are you talking about?”
“The girl you saved—from that car accident, right before your dad died, remember? That girl, she was Sophie’s little sister—Kiki. Only, that’s just her nickname. Her real name is Kenzie Kate—Kenzie Kate Jones.”
I gasped, almost dropping the phone.
Kenzie?
I sank to the floor, trying to keep the room from spinning. Kenzie was the girl I saved?
Grey went on talking, but I couldn’t listen, couldn’t concentrate. Still, I could hear his voice. It went on and on. “I don’t know why your dad was lo
oking for Kenzie though. That’s what’s so crazy. He knew where she was. She hadn’t left the hospital since the accident. She’s in a coma. She’s never woken from the coma.”
I rested my back against the wall and brought my knees up to my chest so I could bury my face between them. I was so cold. So cold. I couldn’t stop shaking. Kenzie was inside me. Kenzie—the ghost of the girl I tried saving in the accident that night.
I was possessed!
“Jodi?”
I had no idea when Jeremy came into the kitchen. But he was beside me now, his eyes full of concern. I handed the phone to him, unable to speak.
He could hear Grey talking. He listened for a moment, then interrupted. “Hey, start over,” he said. “Kenzie’s in the hospital?”
He listened for a long time, asking questions every once in a while. He got a pen, jotting down information. He got Grey’s email address and phone number. When he finally hung up, he sat beside me on the floor, pulling me close, warming me in his arms.
“Well, you’re not crazy,” he said soothingly. “At least there’s that, right?”
I buried my face in his chest, and he held me tighter.
He stroked my hair. “Do you want me to go get Sawyer?” he asked when my sobs began to subside a little.
I nodded that I did, but as he tried to get up I clung to him, not letting him go. I couldn’t. I just wanted to be in his arms a little longer, feel his heartbeat.
He sat back down with me, taking me back into his arms. “They’re going to wonder where we are, Jodi,” he murmured, stroking my hair. “They’re going to come looking for us.”
“I don’t care,” I whispered. But it wasn’t true. I thought of Sawyer. It would hurt him to learn that it was Jeremy that had comforted me, not him. I couldn’t bear to do that to him.
“Okay,” I breathed, “go get Sawyer.”
My heart aching, I let Jeremy pull away from me.
***
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