“One problem at a time, please,” Kelsey muttered as she turned away, her fingers linked behind her neck as she lifted her face to the sky and stared upward. “Shit. The girl, though . . . that’s easy enough. Not like we haven’t handled that kind of problem before.”
“True enough. Just . . . have a care with her. She’s fragile.”
“Perhaps you should be the one to deal with her,” Kelsey bit off.
“I think I’ve fucked things up quite enough already,” Nessa murmured. “And until I get a grip on things, taking on the responsibility of a child is not what I should be doing. I’m a danger to her now, Kelsey. Until I even know if I can control this . . . ”
“Oh, bite me,” Kelsey snapped, shooting Nessa a narrow look before she resumed her contemplation of the ceiling. “You’d never harm a child.”
Nessa only wished she could be that certain.
Silence stretched out between them, with Nessa watching the woman she loved as sister, daughter and friend, while Kelsey continued to stare upward into nothingness.
“There are no answers written on the ceiling, Kelsey,” Nessa murmured.
“Running away from Dom isn’t an answer, either.” Dropping her hands, Kelsey looked back at Nessa. “This isn’t the right answer, Nessa, and I think you know. You can’t run from him—even if you think you somehow don’t deserve him, he deserves better than this.”
“Better than what? A broken witch who is now going to have to fight an addiction every day for the rest of her life? I crave pain now, dear. Don’t you get it? I want to make people feel anger, feel fear, feel pain. Fuck me, I’m worse than broken—I’m ruined. ”
“Bull fucking shit,” Kelsey snapped.
Nessa’s eyes narrowed. She opened her mouth, but then closed it abruptly and shook her head. “No. No, I’m not doing this with you. Just go away, Kelsey. I’ve made up my mind. I’ve made my choice.”
“And you didn’t bother to consult him about it—not terribly kind of you, considering the hell he’s been through.”
“The hell he’s been through,” she said. Then she repeated, louder, her voice shaking, “The hell he has been through? Damn it, Kelsey, do you think this is easy for me? Do you have any idea how long I’ve waited? And now . . . here he is.”
Her voice broke. “Here he is . . . and I’ve shamed myself—cursed myself. Not with the memory, though. Not with the losing of it. I cursed myself by using my magic wrong. I did something that goes against everything I am—everything I’ve ever stood for.”
“So one mistake and you throw your life away? And his? Because damn it, that’s exactly what you’re doing.”
“Oh, don’t be so melodramatic,” Nessa muttered. She pressed her fingers to her burning eyes, trying desperately not to cry. “He doesn’t know me, dear. Doesn’t know me at all. What few memories he has are from the girl I once was, and I’m no longer that girl. He’s no longer the man he once was, either. We’re two very, very different souls, and he deserves more than the woman I let myself become.”
“If you’ve gone and turned into a fucking coward, then maybe you’re right,” Kelsey said. She crossed her arms over her chest and stared at Nessa. There was disappointment on her face, in her eyes.
Nessa could feel it beating against her shields and absently, she strengthened them. She didn’t need to feel Kelsey’s misery as well as her own. Her own was quite enough.
Something pricked at her senses and in the back of her mind, she looked, studied, examined.
Vampire. Close—drawing closer. Here at the school, it wasn’t always as easy to sense one from another, not until they were very close. Like trying to isolate the light of a candle when the whole room blazed with a thousand lamps.
Nessa’s heart skipped a beat.
Something inside her lightened. That damned hope . . . trying to crawl free even when she knew what she needed to do.
The familiar buzz of energy pressed closer and she opened her senses more—even as she recognized him, her heart sank to her feet.
“Are you really just going to walk away from this? Without even giving it a chance—without giving him a choice?”
“A choice is exactly what I want him to have. A life. A life free from the burdens I’d bring to it.” Nessa closed her hands into fists, her nails digging into her skin. “A choice that doesn’t involve a broken witch who’s going to have to fight the call of blood power.”
“That’s a fucking crock. That is not giving him a choice.”
“It’s a hell of a lot better than the choice he was handed, before he was even born,” Nessa snarled. “Dreaming of me—his whole damned life. Did he dream of me even as a child?”
The tears burned her eyes and she no longer had the self-control to hold them back. Staring at Kelsey’s blurred face, she said, “I imagine you think it quite romantic, and maybe it seems that way. Maybe it even is that way for some. But every step he took in life was to lead him here—all the misery he suffered was to prepare him for this and where the hell was his choice in that?”
“So you think you’re doing this to give him a choice? You’re taking his choice away. He came back for you, damn it. He’s spent his whole life looking for you, without even understanding why.”
“That’s my point exactly,” Nessa whispered. “He spent his whole life looking for me, and nobody ever bothered to see if this was what he wanted.”
The presence of the vampire drew closer, and Nessa turned away. “Kelsey, your dearest husband is searching for you and I’m not quite up to dealing with him, as well as you. Just leave me be.”
Kelsey shook her head. “You can’t leave it this way, damn it. You can’t.”
The door to Nessa’s cabin opened, and she closed her eyes. “Yes . . . I can. Now take your man and go.”
“ Nessa—”
“It’s not your choice,” Nessa snapped.
“What about mine?”
A shiver raced down Nessa’s spine. Her eyes flew to the doorway, and for the next ten seconds, all she could do was stare.
Oh, it was Malachi, all right.
But he wasn’t alone. And she suspected that the ancient vampire had done nothing more than act as a Trojan horse. As far as vampire presences went, he was a thousand lamps and Dominic was a candle. Dominic wouldn’t have pressed in on her Hunter senses, and she’d been shielding herself so strongly against everything, she couldn’t have felt much else from him.
Swallowing, she turned away. “What do you want?” she asked as Kelsey and Malachi quietly slipped away.
“You.”
“You don’t know that,” she muttered, shaking her head. She didn’t want to look at him, but she couldn’t stop herself. From the corner of her eye, she watched him as he came close.
He looked like hell. Tired, strained, worn thin . . . and there were telltale burns on his face. Nessa knew damn well what those marks had come from—he’d spent too much time in the sunlight, and he hadn’t stopped to feed so he wasn’t healing as well as he should have.
“Please tell me you didn’t drive straight from St. Augustine,” she said quietly.
“What in the hell did you expect? I searched through damn near half the country looking for you. Did you really think I’d let you walk away that easy?” He held something in his hand, and he hurled it on the floor before crossing to stand in front of her.
It was a motorcycle helmet.
She swallowed and tried not to shudder at the thought of him spending several hours in the sunlight. Even the fading evening sun would be too much for him. “You rode thirteen hours, wearing nothing but that sodding helmet? Have you even seen your face and how badly you’re burned?”
“No. I made it in about ten and I don’t really give a fuck about the burns. Why in the hell did you leave?”
“Because I had to.” Her palms itched and she wanted to touch him, heal the burns on his face and then curl around him like a cat. The urge was strong, too strong, and she ended up tucking her ha
nds in her pockets just to keep from reaching for him.
“Yeah, so I heard. You’ve got this really fucked-up idea that you’re doing this for me, ” he snarled.
The fury in his voice was so thick, so hot. She could feel his anger blasting at her, beating against her shields and all she wanted to do was touch him, tell him she was sorry, try to figure a way to make this work. But, she just couldn’t see the way.
“I am,” she said, her voice shaking.
“Can you help me out and explain that?” he asked, his voice thick with sarcasm. “Because I’m just not seeing it. I spent my whole life looking for you and now that I’ve found you, you walk away, but you’re doing it for me?”
Her throat ached and the sobs clawed, demanding release. She nodded and turned away, pressing her brow to the window. Sensing movement, she froze, holding still as he drew close.
“I’m not seeing it, baby. How is this for me?” he bit off.
“You never had a choice.”
“Oh, the hell I didn’t. I didn’t have to come looking for you.”
“Yes, you did.” She turned around, crossed her arms over her chest. The pain inside her chest grew, expanded, hot and vicious, ready to tear her heart out, her soul. Ready to destroy her. “You have a Hunter’s instincts . . . you wouldn’t have ignored them. You can’t.”
Her mouth twisted in a bitter smile and she shook her head. “None of us can ignore that call, Dominic. None of us . . . not if we want to come through with any semblance of sanity.”
“It wasn’t the Hunter inside that pulled me.” He braced his arms over her shoulders, hands flat against the wall. Then he dipped his head, nuzzling her nape.
The feel of him sent a shiver through her. He scraped his teeth down her neck and murmured, “It was the man. The man who was looking for the woman he loved.”
“You don’t know me.” Her voice broke, and she turned her head aside, trying not to cry. “You don’t know me . . . how can you love me?”
“I was born loving you.”
He brought his hands to her face, cradling it gently. One thumb stroked over her lip and he watched, as though the sight mesmerized him. “I was born loving you,” he said again. “And once I realized you were real, that maybe you were out there waiting for me, just as I waited for you, nothing would have stopped me from finding you.”
Her breath hitched in her throat. That odd dancing sensation was trying to settle inside her heart again, but the darkness didn’t want to let it in. “You love me because you’ve never had any chance to know anything else . . . and I don’t deserve that love.”
She twisted away, moving closer to the door. She needed to get away from him, before she shattered. Before she gave in. Before she begged.
“Why not?”
She lifted her hands and said, “I killed a man, Dominic. I killed a man, and instead of just letting him die, I fed from the power inside his blood. Blood magic, Dominic. Dark magic. It’s inside me now, like a drug, and it will want more.”
“So the fuck what?”
She blinked, shaking her head. “Don’t you get it? I’m damaged now . . . I’ll fight this for the rest of my life, and there’s no guarantee I’ll win.”
“No, there’s not. I don’t know that much about it, but it sounds a lot like an addiction, and damn, that’s got to be one serious kick to have you addicted after using it just once. Must be like a witch’s heroin or something.”
“Worse.” She hugged herself, rubbing her palms up and down her arms. Cold to the bone. Cold . . . tired. So tired.
“So it’s an addiction and your way of dealing with it is to . . . what? Are you going to hide yourself away now? Lock yourself up, apart from everybody else? Or is it just me you won’t be around?”
Narrowing her eyes, she snapped, “There is no need to be flippant. Dominic, perhaps you don’t understand how this affects witches, but I do. It’s addictive and it’s dangerous.”
“Maybe I don’t get it.” He shrugged and leaned his shoulders back against the wall. The T-shirt he wore stretched across his muscles and she wanted to stroke her hands down them, learn every last one.
Mouth dry, she looked away, concentrating on the shelves along the back wall. Odd—they didn’t seem to be the exact same shade as they’d been when she was last here. And she was certain the books weren’t in the right order.
He moved closer, and she started to count the books. Count them, focus on them and not him and oh, he was just a breath away now. Closer. His hand fisted in her hair and he whispered, “I guess I don’t get it, baby. Because all I can figure out is that you’ve got an addiction. But that doesn’t mean it has to control you—doesn’t mean it has to end your life.”
“That’s the whole point—it will want to control me and . . . well, it’s just that . . . ” Frustrated, she shot him a dark look and said, “You shouldn’t have to carry this burden. It’s mine. I made the mistake, I’ll deal with it.”
“So much for giving me a choice,” he said, that heavy, bitter irony coloring his voice again. “You’ve got a problem, and instead of trusting me to do what I think is best for me, and to take part in making the decision of what is best for us, you’re doing it, all on your own. I have no say in the matter. Is that how you give me a choice?”
She winced. “It’s not that simple . . . ”
“Yeah. It is.” He cupped her chin and angled her face up.
Dark, furious eyes stared into hers and he snapped, “That’s exactly what it is. You think I came after you because something made me . . . well, you’re right . . . in a way. My heart made me. I listened to my heart, listened to everything inside me that demanded I find you. So that’s what I did, because I knew, in here”—he slammed a fist against his chest—“ I knew in here that the only way I’d ever be complete in my life was if I found the woman I’d loved in my last life. I didn’t get to live it out with you then, and I should have. But now here’s the chance to have that, and you won’t let it happen? How in the hell is that giving me any choice at all?”
“You . . . ” She licked her lips and shook her head. “I’m not that woman—the woman you knew then was nothing but a girl, a girl who still had hope, who still had dreams. I’m not her . . . and you said it yourself, you’re not him, either. You don’t know me well enough to know if you love me.”
For one long moment, he was quiet. Then he let her go and moved away, no longer looking at her. “I’m going to ask you a question—you answer it, yes or no. Just yes or no. If you tell me no, and do it honestly, make me believe your answer, then fine, I’ll get the hell out. But you have to make me believe it.” Then he looked at her. “Do you love me?”
Pain tore through her. Did she love him?
She whispered, “Yes. You already know the answer to that, damn you.”
“Look at me and say it.”
She didn’t.
He closed the distance between them, and when she would have backed away, he caught her around the waist, hauling her against him. “Do it.”
She planted her hands against his shoulders and shoved. She was strong. Witches did tend to be a bit stronger physically than mortals and she was no exception.
But he was a vampire, and by sheer physical strength alone, she couldn’t move him. Glaring at him, she said, “Yes, damn it, I love you.”
“But how can you? You don’t know me.”
Her heart trembled . . . cracked. Shattered. “But I do know you.” She laid a hand against his cheek. “I look at you and I see everything you are, I feel every pain you’ve felt and I feel your loneliness. Then I look at myself, and all I see is a woman who is too weak, one who broke and gave in to the nastiest sort of evil. I don’t deserve you, damn it. Maybe I would have . . . once. But I broke. I gave in and now, any strength I might have had is gone, whatever decency was inside me, I killed. That’s what this is all about.”
He sighed and pressed his lips to her brow. The crushing grip he held her with gentled and he began
to stroke his hands up and down her back, slow, soft caresses. “If you aren’t strong, then nobody is,” he said quietly. He kissed her eyes, the tip of her nose, each cheek. “If you aren’t decent, then nobody is. You didn’t kill anything but a bastard who wanted to hurt you.”
She opened her mouth and he laid a finger across her lips, silencing her. “I don’t want to hear it. Did you screw up? I’ve gotta say yes, but it’s not like you were in complete control—you were off in the land of fuck-it-all, remember? And hell, after five hundred years, didn’t you deserve some sort of peace?” He didn’t wait for her to answer, just kissed her again, soft and slow, before lifting his head to look at her. “It was a mistake, a bad one . . . but how can one bad mistake undo everything you are? It can’t . . . not unless you let it.”
It was a mistake, a bad one . . . but how can one bad mistake undo everything you are? It can’t . . . not unless you let it.
Pressing her lips together, she wrapped her arms around his neck and buried her face against him. A sob shook her and she couldn’t hold it back. That simple—could it really be that simple?
But what . . . what if he decided he didn’t want her later on? What if he realized he didn’t really love her?
“And when in hell did I ever become a coward?” she muttered.
“A coward.” He lifted his head, studying her face. “So now you’re a coward, on top of being evil and weak?” Dominic laughed.
“I don’t see the humor here, you know.”
He grinned and said, “Baby, if you had any idea how ridiculous some of this sounds . . .
“It’s not ridiculous.”
He dipped his head and nipped her lower lip. “Well, yeah, some of it is. Really. After all, aren’t you the strongest witch the Hunters have ever had? Strong enough that you could make it so I could walk naked down the beach at noon and not get a burn?” He touched the red marks on his cheeks and grimaced. “And I’ve got to say, I’d like to arrange that if we could. Here you are, the legendary witch that all good little Hunters hear so much about. You lived through more mortal lifetimes than I could count and even when your body tried to die on you, your soul found another way to live on. Then, even though you’re tired and lonely and just want to be done, you keep on going. That’s strength. You faced a lifetime alone . . . and that’s bravery. And here you are, trying to push me away, even though you’ll be miserable after, because you don’t want to . . . how did you put it? Burden me?”
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