Dinner was scheduled for a few days later, at a restaurant near us. Robert had his hands all over Jan until she told him to knock it off in public. People we knew could walk in any time, including our daughter. Having dispensed with the hands issue, dinner went smoothly. We were invited back to their house.
After passing through the security gate (our car following theirs), we went through a maze of streets that I could never recreate. Finally we reached their house. They had decided that we would start with drinks and a board game that should have been called, “Let Me Show You How Stupid You Are.”
Finally it was over! Of course, in private, Robert reverted to anatomy by Braille. Cynthia and I kissed a couple of times. Robert and Jan then went off to the master bedroom while Cynthia and I went to a guest room. Cynthia and I were quickly nude. We kissed, she gave me some decent oral and I did my best to treat her vagina to a good time. They had decided that there would be no intercourse. Apparently we had nothing to say about it.
Then came the critique! At lunch I hadn’t been being careful to allow her space to move her hand if she had wanted. I had “trapped” her thumb so she couldn’t move. When we were playing in the car, she said she liked soft kisses. I was doing it all wrong. Naked in the bedroom, she told me how I was too hairy. I had gone to great lengths to be as closely trimmed as possible but cannot totally shave certain areas. Not good enough! She “was very oral” and there had to be no sign of hair anywhere in the pubic area. If I wanted anything from her, the impossible needed to happen! Of course I would find some way to meet the shaving requirement. After all, she was a “very special woman” (her words).
I was ready to go and dressed quickly. Jan was having a better time. I say this based on her screaming, “This isn’t fair. I want your cock in me.” The boy must be talented! After a while Robert and Jan joined Cynthia and me, both naked and apparently content to stay that way. I complained about the critique and requirement to do the impossible with hair follicles (physical issue). Jan dressed and we left. As it turned out, the community had two gates, the one we came in on and was a long way from their house, and a gate that was two houses from theirs. Of course, using the near gate would have deprived us of seeing all that we would never attain. Darn, there goes that sarcasm again!
Robert really wanted to nail Jan so a few days later he came up with a “plan.” Jan and I were to watch Cynthia enjoy Robert’s complete smoothness and satisfy her oral need. I was to then mount the satisfied Cynthia while Robert entered Jan, probably multiple times. We didn’t think much of the plan and things just kind of got dropped.
Through some misreading on our primary site, I later ended up on a closed e-mail system with Cynthia. Apparently she didn’t consider me totally useless because, after identifying each other, she said, “I want to fuck you.” There was a condition though. I would have to somehow “earn” her. I suggested that she could simply be a little nicer. She called me a name and hung up!
Morals of this profile: If people keep telling you how much they have and how good they are, they definitely don’t deserve you. And if they make unreasonable demands, they are scumbags (Was that too vague?).
Chapter Six
Alan and Denise – Just Plain Weird
Early one Sunday afternoon I was checking out the new profiles. I came across a couple who seemed nice, based on their narrative. No sexy pictures. Just a country setting with very casual and loose clothing. The camera was a ways away. They looked kind of attractive. And don’t get me wrong. We didn’t expect porn stars, just people who wouldn’t scare our dogs. I contacted them and they were available so we went over, just to meet and get an idea of what they were like.
They volunteered to prepare snacks and drinks while we drove over. Upon arrival we were each given one very small piece of candy. For drinks, we had some very cheap fruit-flavored wine, which was surprisingly good. Alan was dressed in casual pants and shirt, which was comparable to what I wore. Denise wore a loose top and short shorts, a little more casual than Jan.
The conversation dynamics were kind of weird. Mostly Alan, Jan and I talked. Denise largely stayed at the edge of the group and quietly watched. We later figured out that she was watching to see if we were compatible, because she suddenly announced that she was bringing out a sex game. We played to the point that Alan and I were bare chested and the women still kind of had bras on. We had done some kissing. Denise then asked if we wanted to play another round or “take it upstairs.” Upstairs we went.
I took chemical enhancement, so I was quite prepared. As I walked behind her in the narrow space between their bed and the wall, she felt me, well part of me, touching her and exclaimed, “Oh, you are ready!” Then Denise said there would be no intercourse without condoms. That would have been doable except they didn’t have any. We thought we were meeting them; they expected us to bring condoms.
So here I was, very ready and nowhere to go. She didn’t offer any alternatives and for some reason I didn’t ask. She did, however, give very specific instructions on what to manually do with her vagina. Jan and I were back to back so I couldn’t actually see what she was doing. I felt her backside regularly touch mine and heard him moaning and crying out in ecstasy. I kind of figured they were skipping the condom requirement. I should have called foul but didn’t. It turned out that he was totally limp and Jan was being kind enough to hold all of him in her small hand, rubbing behind his testicles. Things pretty much wound down from there.
We had not seen either of them nude with any lights on. When the lights did come on, there were some revelations. Alan was regularly limp. This was not a show-stopper. Even if he couldn’t perform for the main event, he could have pleasured Jan in other ways. I saw that Denise had never met a trimmer of any sort. If Mr. Happy had been allowed in, I’m not sure he could have fought his way through the jungle. I also saw that she walked in a way that emphasized her very large belly. Again, not a show-stopper but she could have moved in a way that made the most of her figure. And she certainly could have groomed herself.
Morals of this profile: Be upfront about the situation. If there’s a chance of non-performance, just say so; there are alternatives. Of course, not everyone feels that way. There was a time when some medications had rendered me very unpredictable. With this revelation, a previously eager couple just flat cancelled a meeting. And make the best of what you have. Groom for the occasion; these days guys really want as much hair as possible gone. Walk in the most flattering manner for your figure. Be logistically prepared for the occasion. If you insist on condoms and think there is any chance of intercourse, make sure you are well supplied with a good quality brand (lubricated, thin to enhance feeling, and reliable). Related to these, don’t be unreasonable in your expectations. I read a profile that listed a very low maximum body mass index requirement (relationship of fat to lean tissue). Admittedly, these people were in incredible shape, and had the right to specify what they wanted, but that requirement sure took us out of their league, even though we matched up pretty well in other areas.
Chapter Seven
George and Jackie – Nice People But Lots That Went Wrong
We met George and Jackie at a nice chain restaurant, being lucky enough to be in kind of a secluded area, allowing us to talk about all topics of interest. One pertinent thing that they revealed was that they always used condoms with other couples. That was good information; we once had an invitation cancelled because, at that time, we were using them.
We had a nice dinner and good conversation. We explained a game we have that gets people nude. They thought that would be a good activity and took us up on our invitation to come to our place. After our filling dinner, no one wanted drinks or food, so we started right in on the game. The beauty of this game is that it allows you to both be exhibitionists and voyeurs. It did its job. We were soon enjoying looking and being looked at.
By unstated agreement we headed for the bedrooms. Because we knew of the condom requirement, I opened a premium
package and had it in reach for when I was to enter Jackie. I was very attracted to Jackie and was sure my preparations would be well rewarded. I got hard. She got wet. I grabbed the condom. And then disaster struck. I couldn’t get the damn thing to go on. Neither could Jackie, even though she claimed to usually be able to put them on with her teeth. Things kind of deflated from there. A nice woman with a lovely body, but that was not going to be the night.
Jan had a different experience. George was able to rise to the challenge. Jan provided a bit of oral stimulation, which she is very good at, but which didn’t seem to be of interest to George. He was ready to enter Jan; she had to remind him of their condom rule. George got the thing on and entered Jan. She thought he was pretty much uninterested and bored.
We got dressed about the same time and they left. I don’t know what happened to cause the condom problem with Jackie; nor did she. And she wanted it as much as I did (he modestly noted). We later learned that George had recently injured his back and really wasn’t in any condition to enjoy Jan.
Morals of this profile: If there’s a physical problem, find a way to work around it, with position or alternative activity. Or better yet, reschedule for a time when there are no known physical problems. We didn’t end up seeing them again because Jan, back problems aside, really didn’t enjoy being in bed with George. And that’s an important point. All play or no one plays. There is no “taking one for the team.” Participants will tell you that, as did a psychiatrist of my acquaintance. More about weird happenings later.
Chapter Eight
David and Wendy – The Giant and the Pixie
When I say giant, I’m not kidding. I’m pretty good sized but David towered above me. When we shook hands it actually hurt. Not that he was trying to; it’s just difficult for the Giant to be gentle with Jack. David was obviously in good shape, owning a “made to order” tricycle (adult recumbent bike with two wheels in the back) business where the entire staff was David and Wendy. He dressed casually but appropriately. David was also very well endowed.
Wendy was evidence that opposites attract, being the exact opposite of David. Wendy was very short, like “buy from the little kids department” short. In spite of her working with David, she had a big tummy. She dressed, for outer wear, in a very loose, flowing dress.
We met David and Wendy at a restaurant they suggested, which was about half way between our homes. The restaurant was nice and homey, the food was good, and the conversation flowed easily.
After breakfast, we invited them to our house to play the “game.” They readily agreed and off we went. The object of the game is to keep your clothes on as long as possible while causing the others to lose theirs. We enjoy it because it’s a win-win game. You end up getting to be an exhibitionist and a voyeur. With all of us, shoes were the first to go. David, Jan and I were wearing socks so those were next to go for us. Wendy wasn’t wearing socks so her second item lost was her dress. It was also her last item lost, seeing as she was only wearing shoes and the dress. Wendy was really ready to be seen! David was the last player to have any clothes on, so he just stripped off his stretched out boxers, revealing endowment that would put a horse to shame.
As usual, it was off to the bedrooms. Wendy and I had a bit of trouble getting connected because of her tummy. I suggested she lie on her stomach, using a pillow to make the fun parts more accessible. She declined a pillow and didn’t really need it. After some manual stimulation, we were able to “make a connection.” It was a very enjoyable experience. It was “one and done” so we dressed, though Wendy was willing to run around the house naked.
Jan’s experience would make a good porn episode. I told you he was strong, tall and well endowed. Jan, on the other hand is short and small. David’s first entry into Jan wasn’t comfortable for her, having never established an intimate relationship with a horse. They finally got in sync and started having fun. I’ve twice said he was big and strong. Here’s the proof in the pudding. At one point, while she remained impaled on his King Kong-sized tool, he lifted her off the bed. That’s right. He was completely in her while holding her up in the air. I’m sure that this was fun for him. Jan told me what had happened but didn’t tell me if she liked it. Not sure I want to know because I couldn’t have achieved David’s acrobatics in my prime, which I am way passed. I’m not sure David could pull it off (definitely no pun) with his wife, given her shape.
One more thing to note, and this applies to many of the previous couples. Their favorite dressed activity was riding their Harleys. Almost every couple we met rode motorcycles, with Harley Davidson being the dominant brand. We don’t ride but it is our understanding that Harleys are the top of the line. So why do they ride? My theory. It’s inherently risky. Two wheels are not as stable as four. But, in my opinion, the major risk factor is motorists who don’t keep an eye out for them. Again, the main point is that these people are risk takers. And extramarital sex is also a risk, even with condoms. Condoms can come off and they can break. You can also get Herpes orally.
They suggested we get together again. We never did. The monster was just too big for Jan and I wasn’t all that attracted to a nude Wendy. There’s another reason, too. I know that during intimacy, crude language is often used. Jan, in fact, is very fond of one particular word. You know the one. It contains some of the letters found in firetruck. But I found the phrasing Wendy used to be a turn off rather than a turn on.
Morals of this profile: If you’re a small woman and are faced with a boa constrictor hanging from guy’s body, make sure he knows your “capacity” and either ensure gentleness, try an alternative activity, or forget it all together. We met one woman who had very little capacity to dilate. She was supposed to have sex with the monster. She took a look at what was heading her way and declared “no way.” Disappointing but it undoubtedly spared her some pain.
Chapter Nine
Lynn and Carol – What you see is not What You Get
This couple seemed nice during our online chats. They were ready for sex with the right people. Lynn listed himself as bi-curious and Carol as bi-sexual. Carol wasn’t a concern because Jan was willing if it added to the relationship. Lynn’s being bi-curious raised an eyebrow. I asked exactly what that meant. He said that he had engaged in oral with a couple of guys and that it felt just as if a woman here doing the entertaining. He didn’t say we would have to go that way but did offer it as being available, to give or receive.
We went the usual meal route and explained our game. They invited us to their house and the game began. After we were all naked, we headed for their king-sized bed. Lynn started kissing Jan and quickly worked his way down so that his tongue was nestled in her glorious and beautiful recreation area. They went at it for some time, both having great fun but without him getting an erection.
I was glad that his long, skinny snake was useless when Carol announced that she was physically unable to engage in intercourse. She tried manual stimulation, which failed miserably. Her mouth and tongue worked but she wasn’t interested in using them.
Since this was a setup for Lynn’s benefit, should I have kicked him in the ass and gotten us out of there. In hindsight, yeah. Or I could have called him off and enjoyed Jan’s very wet vagina. I didn’t do that either. This goes back to “all play or no one plays. I was irritated because Jan had such a good time and I was left, essentially, with nothing. “Shoulda, woulda, coulda” played a big role in our adventure.
Morals of this profile: Again, be upfront. If one member can’t play, don’t act as if he or she can. Schedule something all can do or just forget it. And spouses, if
you are in the same bed, try to occasionally see what’s going on. If your spouse is totally shut out, it’s time to pack it in. Your relationship with your partner is more important than a few more minutes of stimulation. Once again, back to all play or no one plays.
Chapter Ten
Everett and Linda Sue – Enough to Keep a Psychiatrist busy for Years
; As per most of our encounters, we met Everett and Linda Sue via our primary site. The pictures, naturally, were of her. She was fully clothed but with a lovely face and a dress that screamed sexy. Everett turned out to be a decent guy. The problem was that they both had more problems than a psych ward.
After some preliminary e-mailing, we were invited to their place for dinner. She served something really weird that you would never serve to first-time guests, but that’s another story.
Everett was a veteran. He probably went to Viet Nam. That experience screwed up a lot of guys; think the two Bush wars but include the fact that the returning soldiers were treated horribly. When just barely scratching the surface, Everett started to cry.
Linda Sue had not “dressed to impress” for our first meeting. She wore pants that weren’t particularly suited to her figure and had done little or nothing with her hair. During our visit, Everett had to take their mutt out. He asked Jan to go along. Jan is a real walker and was ready to go. I think this was pre-planned so Everett could have time with Jan, leaving me with Linda Sue. There was a bit of conversation but no touching.
We invited them to our house, played the game, and went to the bedrooms, but with the understanding that there would be no sex. Linda Sue had undergone some surgery that left her with very flat breasts and a fairly large body elsewhere. I tried to entertain her but she was just kind of out of it, even though she had previously made it clear that she was in the market for sexual fun. At that point I didn’t know what I thought of her.
Swingers: A Strange Breed of Risk Takers Page 3