She uncovered the mouthpiece. “She doesn’t want to talk to you, Jack.” I guess my dad said something back to her, because then Mom said, “What do you want me to do? I can’t make her talk to you.” She hung up and turned to me. “How long are you going to keep this up?” she asked. I knew I could wait a long time. I’m not as pliant as Haley. I shrugged my shoulders and Mom reached out and rubbed my cheek with the back of her hand. “Oh, Soph, it’s all going to be okay,” she said.
• • •
On Saturday morning I woke up and looked over at Haley’s empty bed. I hated to admit it, but I kind of missed her. I wondered what Mom and I would do all weekend without Haley around. I kicked back the covers and walked into Mom’s room. She was sitting up in bed doing the crossword puzzle. I got in beside her, settling into the side of the bed that used to be Dad’s.
“You slept late,” she said.
“Uh-huh.”
“Tough week at school?”
“It was all right.”
“That’s good.” I could tell Mom wasn’t paying attention to my answers. She hadn’t moved her eyes from the crossword puzzle. “Aha,” she said all of a sudden. “Finished!” She put the paper down and turned to me. “Jessie likes Chinese food, right?”
“Why?”
“Because she and Liz are coming for dinner tonight.”
I sat up and glared at her. “How could you invite them without asking me first?”
“I don’t understand,” Mom said. “What’s the problem here?”
“The problem is that Jessie and I aren’t friends anymore!”
“Since when?” Mom asked.
“Since practically the beginning of school,” I said.
“But you girls were so close.”
“Not anymore,” I said. “Don’t you remember? She didn’t sleep over on Halloween. She hasn’t even been here since.”
“I’m sorry, honey,” Mom said. “I won’t do it again.”
“But you’re still going to let them come tonight, aren’t you?” I said, even though I already knew the answer. I wished Mom hadn’t been so distracted lately. If she had been paying any attention at all, she would have known not to invite Jessie over.
I didn’t even feel better when I checked the mail and there was a letter from Katie, but I opened it anyway. I forgot all about the confetti, but luckily Mom was in the other room, and I cleaned it up before she even saw it was there.
Dear Sophie,
Boy, has it been busy around here lately! I haven’t had time to write at all. In fact, the only reason I am writing now is because our teacher, Mrs. Katz, found out that a bunch of us haven’t written to our pen pals all month, so for the next ten minutes we all have to write letters. Not that I didn’t want to write to you anyway, but like I said, it’s been so busy.
Mostly I’ve been practicing for the middle school talent show, which is on Thursday. Jake and I are performing together. At first he didn’t want to, but then he decided we could pretend to be Abbott and Costello. They were comedians from a long time ago and they have a whole act about baseball. Jake likes anything that has to do with sports, so that’s what we’re doing. We’ve been working hard to memorize our lines and get the timing just right. I think it’s going to be awesome. All the parents are coming Thursday night to watch. Well, my mom’s not coming because she has to help my sister, Julie, study for some test the next week. I don’t really mind because my dad and my aunt are coming to watch me, but Julie’s really upset about it. She wanted to perform with her friends. They’re all OBSESSED with clothing, and they planned this whole fake fashion show for the talent show. The whole thing was actually Julie’s idea, but my mom says she needs to study.
Uh-oh—I see Mrs. Katz is standing up now. That means she’s about to call time. I guess I should wrap this up. I hope everything in New York is good. Write me back soon.
Sincerely,
Katie
Twelve
LIZ AND JESSIE came over around seven thirty, even though they were supposed to be there at seven o’clock. I was sitting on the couch in the living room when they walked in. Liz came over to me, bent down and hugged me. “Hey, sport,” she said. Liz always called me sport—short for “good sport.” Sometimes Mom would point out to Liz that I didn’t always act like one. I hated when she did that. I wanted Liz to think I was always a good sport. But Mom didn’t say anything like that this time, and Liz stood up and ruffled my hair. “I’m sorry you’re going through a rough time,” she said. I knew that she meant it even if Jessie didn’t care about me at all. Jessie was still standing by the door. She looked over at me, and our eyes met, but she didn’t say hello. Mom put her arm around Jessie’s shoulder. “Come on in, honey.”
“I’m sorry we’re late,” Liz said to her.
“Don’t worry about it,” Mom said. “I knew you would be. I just called to order the Chinese food.”
“What, you’re not cooking?” Liz asked, and then she and Mom started laughing as though Liz had just said the funniest thing in the world. Everyone knew that Mom hated cooking. We had been eating a lot of delivery since Dad had moved out.
“Red or white?” Mom said in Liz’s direction.
“Either. . . . No, red,” Liz said. Mom went into the kitchen to get the wine and Liz followed her. “Why don’t you girls go to Sophie’s room and catch up?” Liz said over her shoulder. I knew she was just trying to get rid of us so she could talk to Mom privately. I looked at Mom, waiting for her to say we could stay. After all, she knew that Jessie and I weren’t friends anymore. But Mom didn’t say anything. I stood up from the couch and walked toward my room. Jessie followed behind me.
Jessie hadn’t been in my room since Halloween. I remembered walking in the door that night and seeing Dad sitting in the living room watching television. It seemed like a long time ago. Now I felt even more uncomfortable being alone with Jessie. I could tell she would rather have been anywhere else, and I realized Liz must have made these plans without consulting her, either.
“What do you want to do?” I asked Jessie.
“I don’t care,” she said. She sat on Haley’s bed and began pulling at the stitches of one of the throw pillows. It was a good pillow—not the kind you sleep on, but one meant just for decoration. It had flowers embroidered on one side and Haley said they kind of looked like the flowers on the bedding that Dad had picked out for us. I hoped Jessie wouldn’t ruin it, because we probably wouldn’t have enough money to replace it now. Everything Jessie did seemed wrong. She had a piece of gum in her mouth and she was chewing it with her mouth open.
Chewing gum reminded me of something I had seen on television about the way cows eat. They chew their food and swallow, then spit it back up, and then chew it again. I could never chew gum for that reason. I hated the sound Jessie made as she smacked it from side to side, like you could hear her saliva. It made me think of Jessie’s favorite card game. It was a game called Spit. Usually I didn’t like playing with her because she gloated when she won, which was most of the time, but I couldn’t think of anything else that she would want to do. I wanted to distract her from ruining Haley’s pillow, and besides, I knew she was mad at me because of the dance and Madden Preston. Even though I didn’t do anything wrong, I wanted to make it up to her so we could be friends again. Playing that stupid game seemed like the least I could do. “Do you want to play Spit?” I offered.
“You hate that game,” Jessie said.
“I don’t mind playing if you want to,” I told her.
“You don’t have to act like we’re friends,” Jessie said. “No one’s in here except us.”
“You don’t have to act like we’re enemies,” I said.
“Well, what do you think we are?” Jessie asked.
It was one of those times when someone says something so awful that for a second everything seems to stop. The same thing had happened when Dad had told Haley and me that he was leaving. All of a sudden I knew exactly where I stood with Jessie.
There was nothing to be confused about anymore. I looked at her and felt my face get hot. My heart was beating so hard I was sure she could hear it. I knew my cheeks were turning red and that I must look really stupid. I sat back on the bed and said, “I didn’t know you hated me.” My voice caught because I was trying hard not to cry.
Jessie rolled her eyes. “Oh, come off it, Sophie. You think just because your parents are divorcing that people will feel sorry for you and you can do whatever you want. Well, I can see right through you.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said.
“You’re a wannabe. You were so jealous because I had new friends and you couldn’t be with me every second of every day anymore, so you went after Madden.”
“I didn’t!” I said, and I knew I was talking too loudly. “He came up to me.”
Jessie snorted. “Yeah, right,” she said. “Like he would really want to dance with you.”
It was the first time I had had a fight like that—when I wasn’t the one doing any of the fighting. With Haley and me, it was usually the other way around. I put my hand over my mouth because I was afraid otherwise I would start to sob. If I was so horrible, then why had Jessie been my friend for so long? It was like everything before didn’t count for anything. Even though I was pressing my palm hard against my mouth, I couldn’t hold it all in. Finally all the tears I had been holding in came pouring out. I started to cry out loud.
Mom was calling us from the other room. Her voice sounded strange because I was crying and the room looked blurry through my tears. Jessie walked out but I stayed in my room. Nobody could make me come out. I got up to close the door. I wanted to slam it shut and lock it. I really didn’t care if I got into trouble, but Mom was in the doorway when I got there, so I didn’t get to do any of it. “Honey,” she said when she saw me, “what happened?”
I just shook my head and fell into her.
Suddenly Liz was in the room and she was calling for Jessie. I heard her asking Jessie what had happened, but Jessie didn’t answer. “Don’t you have something to say to Sophie?” Liz asked. She paused, I guess waiting for Jessie to say something, but Jessie was silent. “I’m sorry about this, Andy,” Liz said to Mom. “Maybe we’ll get going.”
“Please,” Mom said, “take some food home.” But Liz said no, we should keep it for when Haley got home. They were having this whole stupid discussion about whether Haley would eat the moo shu chicken, and I just stood there, crying into Mom’s shirt, while Jessie stood impatiently in the doorway.
“We’ll show ourselves out,” Liz said. “Let’s go, Jessica Anne.” I could tell Liz was really angry by the way she said Jessie’s name, and I was glad. I hoped Jessie would be in a lot of trouble.
I heard the front door open and close, and I lifted my head from Mom’s chest. There was a dark blue circle in the middle of Mom’s favorite light blue shirt, wet from my tears. I hoped it wouldn’t stay that way. I worried that she would be angry with me about the shirt and for ruining her dinner with Liz, but Mom just pulled me back to her, and rocked and rocked me. I felt like a baby. But I had been so upset for so long and there wasn’t any way that I could hold it in anymore.
“I hate that Daddy left,” I finally said.
“I know,” Mom said.
“I hate Jessie.”
“I know,” she said again.
“I wish I was Haley,” I said. I thought Mom would tell me that I shouldn’t say such a thing, but she just kept saying, “I know, I know.” Sometimes it’s good to feel understood, even if it doesn’t change anything.
I don’t remember when we moved from the doorway over to the bed. But that is where we ended up. Mom sat on the edge of the bed, and I lay my head in her lap. I thought about trying to be more like Haley, to just accept everything that happens and be happy with the way things are. But I didn’t think I had it in me. I kept thinking that maybe this whole thing was Dad’s fault. Maybe the reason I let Madden dance with me in the first place was because I was too distracted about the separation. I squeezed my eyes shut and wished I could go back in time to change everything, but of course that didn’t work. When I opened my eyes again, I was still facedown in Mom’s lap.
Mom smoothed my hair back from my face. “I’m so sorry,” she said.
“Jessie hates me,” I told her.
“She doesn’t hate you.”
I turned toward Mom. “You don’t know what she said,” I told her. “She hates me for sure. I don’t think we’ll ever be friends again. Maybe I’ll never speak to Jessie ever again. Dad either!”
“You know what I remember?” Mom said.
“What?”
“Years ago, when you were around two or three, we were by the pool at Grandma’s club in Florida. You know the club where all the old women go to have lunch and wade in the pool?”
“Uh-huh,” I said.
“Well, one of those women walked up to you. You were just standing by the edge in your water wings. You were so tiny—those things practically took up your whole body. I was sitting on the steps, and I guess the woman didn’t know you were with me. She bent down to you and said, ‘Whose little girl are you?’ And you put your hands on your hips the best you could, because those water wings got in the way, and you said loudly, ‘Mine!’ I was so proud of you then because you were your own person—independent and self-assured.”
“I don’t feel that way anymore,” I said.
“Things are hard right now,” Mom said, twisting a strand of my hair between her fingers, “but don’t lose who you are. Daddy and I love you so much for just being Sophie.”
I thought about what Mom said for the rest of the weekend. During the next week at school Ms. Brisbin surprised us after lunch by saying that she needed a grading period, so we could have a free period to get started on our homework. I knew she meant for us to do our math assignment, or read that night’s chapter in To Kill a Mockingbird, but I didn’t feel like doing either. I ripped a sheet of paper out of my notebook. I thought I would write back to Katie. After all, the pen pal thing had started as a homework assignment. If Ms. Brisbin asked, I could just say I thought writing to our pen pals was ongoing homework. I wrote the word “Dear” at the top left-hand side of the page, and then, instead of writing “Katie,” I wrote “Dad.” I sat back and looked at the words, “Dear Dad.” And then I started to write some more.
Dear Dad,
I’m in school right now. Ms. Brisbin is at her desk grading papers and we are supposed to be starting our homework. I know I should probably do my math sheet, but first I wanted to write to you.
I’ve been thinking a lot about things since you left. I want you to know that even though I am writing you now, I am still mad that you left. I know you said it is not my fault, but that doesn’t make it any better! Sometimes you do a lot of things that I hate—like when you always take Haley’s side without finding out my side first, or when you call me Thumbelina. Why do you do that? You know I hate that name. Why can’t you just call me Sophie, like everyone else does? You picked that name, after all!
I don’t know when I will be ready to see you. I hope you’re not mad at me just because it was easier for Haley. I do miss seeing you. I think maybe I will call you soon.
I didn’t know what else to write, so I decided to end it there. I was going to sign “Love, Sophie,” but I wasn’t ready to say that. So I wrote “Sincerely, Sophie,” just like I did when I wrote to Katie, and then I folded the letter up. I knew Haley was going to see Dad during the week, but I wasn’t going to give it to Haley to bring to him. I didn’t want anyone to know about it but me. I would just pretend I was mailing something to Katie and would ask Mom for a stamp. I didn’t know Dad’s new address, but I did know his office address and he got mail there, too.
When I got home, I asked Mom for an envelope and a stamp. She didn’t even ask me what it was for. I printed Dad’s work address neatly on the outside of the envelope, stuck the stamp in the upper right corner, an
d put it in my backpack. I would mail it on my way to school the next morning.
Thirteen
THE NEXT WEEK Mom announced that Grandma was sending us money to go to Florida for New Year’s. We had never gone to Florida for New Year’s before. Usually Dad cooked a big dinner just like on Thanksgiving—with turkey and all the usual holiday foods that go with it—and Liz came over with Jessie. There was always too much for just six people to eat, so we’d have leftovers for days. I liked the leftovers even better than the dinner itself, because Mom sometimes made us grilled cheese sandwiches with turkey in the middle. It was really the only meal she was good at making. But now, since Dad was gone and Jessie and I weren’t speaking, things were different. I knew I couldn’t count on much of our old routines. And even though Dad was the one who had caused a lot of the changes, he wasn’t too happy with our new plans. I knew because I heard Mom arguing with him over the phone later that night.
It was past the time when I was supposed to be in bed, but I couldn’t fall asleep. Haley was asleep and breathing loudly in the bed next to mine, and that made it even harder. I put a pillow over my head, but then I couldn’t breathe, so I got up and went to see if Mom was still awake. Her door was closed, but she was talking so loudly that I could hear her anyway. She cursed and I was glad Haley wasn’t there. Then she said, “What do you mean, I can’t just go and decide things? It seems like you’ve done an awful lot of deciding yourself lately, Jack.”
There was a pause, and then Mom’s voice again. “I don’t know what you expected—that the girls would be with you? Sophie still won’t even meet you for dinner!” Mom paused again and I wondered what Dad was saying back to her. Even though she was right about me not seeing Dad, I wished she hadn’t mentioned me. I didn’t want to be the reason they were fighting. “I’m not staying alone in New York for New Year’s,” Mom said.
Another pause. I moved even closer toward the door. “Don’t you dare,” Mom said, her voice catching. Then she was quiet again, this time much longer. I pressed my ear to the door in case she was just speaking more softly, but I couldn’t hear anything. She had probably hung up the phone, so I turned the knob and opened the door.
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