Juan

by Kathleen Ball

  She instantly sat down and read a few. Most wanted a God-fearing woman who knew about farm work or ranch work. She was in the age range many posted. Perhaps if she wrote them all, she’d get lucky with a marriage proposal.

  She found paper and a pencil and sat at the table writing to the men. Would having a son disqualify her? She hoped not. She addressed each of them. Greg was going to town in the morning. He’d probably be more than happy to send her letters out.

  The next day Juan went into the house, his heart filled with anger. Greg had had a lot to say about having Sonia living with him. Greg thought they should marry since no one with eyes would believe she was just the help. When had Greg become so pious? Juan bit his tongue for the most part. How could his brother and friend act this way?

  “Did you give Greg the list?” Sonia asked. She looked worried, and it took his anger even higher.

  “He’ll be leaving in a minute. Was there something else you needed?” He hated that his voice was full of anger too.

  “Watch Brent for me!” She sailed out the door without a backward glance at him.

  Juan went to the door and watched while Sonia spoke to Greg. He actually seemed happy about something she said. Juan didn’t like it one bit, but he wasn’t going to take out his anger on Sonia. She’d had enough for a lifetime.

  She ran back to the house and smiled at him. “Working with the horses today?”

  “I’m going to check on the cattle and see why Journey hasn’t come back.”

  Her brow wrinkled. “What do you mean about Journey?”

  “Journey always comes back to me if someone else is riding him. He’ll find a moment to slip away from Wendell. I just thought it would have been sooner than later.”

  Sonia laughed. “You are a sly one, Juan. I’ll keep my eye out for him. I have some baking to do. And keeping up with Brent is getting to be a full time job. Too bad I don’t have a corral for him to play in.”

  Her melodious laugh soothed him a bit but he still had plenty of anger in him. “I’ll see ya.”

  “Papa!” Brent crawled awfully fast toward him.

  Juan bent down and caught the child, lifting him up and kissing his cheek. “I have work to do, little man, but I’ll be back.” He went to put him down, but Brent refused to let go. “Brent, I really do need to go.”

  “Me work.” Brent nodded his head and wrapped his arms tightly around Juan’s neck.

  Sonia patted Brent’s back. “Come on, little one, you can help knead the bread.”

  Brent suddenly let go and turned in Juan’s arms so quickly, Juan thought he’d drop him. But he landed safely in his mother’s arms.

  Juan didn’t say anything else. He grabbed his hat and walked out the door. He was disappointed Sonia hadn’t apologized to him. She hadn’t told him he was wrong about her not wanting a Mexican man or child.

  He saddled his buckskin and rode off. Between Sonia and Greg, he didn’t feel welcome in his own home. He’d have to find somewhere for her to live. She didn’t want to be there. If only he’d known before Greg had had a chance to insult her. They wouldn’t have fought before he left for town. If Mercy hadn’t come out, he might have taken a swing at Greg.

  Who did he think he was interfering in his personal life? Just because Greg was the oldest and married with a child didn’t make him in charge of anything. Maybe a joint venture wasn’t a good idea.

  The cattle were lowing. There were a few pregnant ones, and he needed to make sure they were healthy. He checked them one by one and they all appeared fine. Next he checked that the access to the creek was clear. One time a tree had come down in a bad storm and the cattle didn’t know what to do. Now he always checked. They’d need to drive them to the south pasture before long. If there still was a they.

  Hunger pains gnawed at him, but he didn’t want to go back to the house. He was still hurt, but he knew he’d end up kissing her again. He never felt more alive than when he was kissing Sonia. But she’d shown her cards, and she was leaving.

  He rode and checked on their hay crop, and then he headed back toward the house. There was plenty of daylight left for him to try to break a horse or two.

  His house and barn came to view and he almost laughed. Journey was wandering around outside the barn, apparently looking for some grain. Relief filled Juan that his horse was back. Wendell could go to the sheriff but trading a horse for people wasn’t legal. Everyone knew that. He wasn’t too concerned that Wendell would come and try to take the horse back. Wendell was a coward and a bully.

  Journey trotted out to meet him, and Juan smiled. “I knew you’d be home. I bet you’re hungry.”

  Journey turned and raced to the barn. “He’s hungry all right,” he said to the buckskin.

  As soon as he got to the barn, he jumped down and led Journey into a stall. He filled his trough with grain and made sure he had water before he took care of the buckskin. Then he let himself into Journey’s stall and looked him over.

  “Looks like you’re fine. I was a little worried about Wendell. But it looks like he took care of you. I’m glad you’re back.”

  Journey stopped eating and pushed his head against Juan’s shoulder. It was Journey’s way of showing affection.

  Juan had worked with a Palomino until it was too dark to see. He saw Sonia watching him from the window but he didn’t acknowledge her. She had the power to cripple him, and he couldn’t allow it. After all he was just a Mexican. A man people hired but didn’t befriend or marry. I had been that way all his life, so why it hurt now he didn’t know.

  He slowly walked to his house and sat on the steps looking at the full moon. Sonia had kissed him as though she desired him. It was like a puzzle he couldn’t figure out. One minute she seemed sweet on him, and then she was extremely cold the next.

  It was a lonely feeling. He had nowhere else to go. No friends to drop in on. It hadn’t mattered to him before. He liked being alone but it would have been nice to talk to someone about everything that was going on. It wasn’t something he could talk to Carlos or his parents about. He was a man now. Glancing over at Greg’s house, he grew envious. The lights were all on, and he could see Greg and Mercy laughing together. Frowning, Juan stood up and went inside his own place.

  Sonia was sitting, sewing. She didn’t even look up at him. “Dinner is still warm. I fixed you a plate.” She didn’t even pause her stitching as she told him. Brent must be asleep already. Too bad; he would have been a good distraction.

  Without bothering to thank her, Juan just grabbed his plate and sat at the table. He ate without tasting the food, too intent on watching Sonia to care what he put in his mouth. The thought of kissing her never left; it just grew stronger. He finished and put his plate on the counter. Grabbing a piece of wood he sat near Sonia. He planned to whittle a set of blocks for Brent to play with.

  “What if I promise never to touch you?” he blurted out.

  She set her sewing aside and gazed at him. “That wouldn’t work. I feel too much inside for you.”

  “If I had white skin, it wouldn’t be a problem though.” He couldn’t help the bitterness that came through in his voice.

  “I don’t know why you think that. I never said a word about your heritage.”

  “You didn’t deny it either.”

  “Juan—.”

  “ I’m too gruff aren’t I? Maybe I’m not handsome enough?”

  She shook her head. “Juan you are perfect just the way you are. Any woman would be proud to have your attention.”

  “But not you.” He needed to get out of there. Rage, disappointment, and hurt were upon him, and he didn’t want to do or say something he’d regret. “You want me to leave you alone. I understand now.” He stood, grabbed a few blankets and his hat, and then walked out. The barn was as good as any place to sleep. Could he live in the same house as she? Perhaps it was for the best that she leave.

  Chapter Seven

  It had been a long three weeks, and Sonia’s nerves were frayed
. She accepted a proposal from a rancher in a town about six hours away, and she’d be leaving in three days’ time. All she needed to do was tell Juan. He’d been as touchy as a bear with a sliver in its paw.

  She had finally convinced him to sleep inside the house. The guilt of being warm and comfortable while he slept with the horses grew to be too much. Still, she didn’t see him much. He was gone before she wakened and he came home after she went to bed. It had been lonely.

  Greg and Mercy had helped her to gather items she’d need for her new life. She hadn’t wanted them to spend any money on her, but they’d insisted. Greg was obviously thrilled she was leaving. At least Mercy was nice and understanding, but she never had much advice. She said she hadn’t known a thing about men until Greg came into her life.

  Juan planned to work close to home today, and Sonia planned to make him listen to her. Mercy had already offered to watch Brent.

  It would take all of her courage and strength to go and talk to Juan. She had feelings for him but she had to set aside what she felt and do what was best for everyone. After checking her hair in the mirror one more time she carried Brent over to Mercy. Brent smiled when Mercy took him into her arms, and he didn’t look back. Sonia had thought she’d have to leave a crying boy, but he was just as happy without her. Somehow it made her heart squeeze.

  Juan was in the corral kicking up dust as he held on to the saddle. The bay he was riding kicked and bucked, but Juan held on. It was a magnificent sight. Finally they began to move as one. She was going to miss him. He already held a big piece of her heart.

  She approached quietly, not wanting to spook the horse. When she stood just outside the corral, she waited and watched. Juan acted as though he didn’t see her. He turned his back to her more than once, and when he was done with the bay horse, he let it loose in the pasture and then headed into the barn without acknowledging her. It felt as though she’d been gut punched. She had a hard time breathing for a moment.

  Maybe she should just walk away. He’d notice when she left for good, she supposed. He’d probably be just as glad to have the house back all to himself. Straightening her shoulders, she lifted her head trying to look confident even though she shook inside. She walked to the barn and entered.

  It was a bit dim, but sunlight shone through the doors. Juan was talking to Journey. She’d made enough noise as she scuffled her feet, but he still pretended she wasn’t there. Her shoulders sagged, and she stared at the ground. He didn’t want to talk to her. She didn’t have the strength to force him to talk to her. If only things had been different, she would have worked this ranch with him. Brent was going to miss him. He already did, and it confused him why Papa wasn’t around.

  A sob she’d been pushing down since she walked into the barn escaped. She turned and ran to the house. He wouldn’t follow her; he didn’t care.

  When she walked into the bedroom, she pulled the valise Lynn had given her out from under the bed. She had a few more items to pack. She didn’t need to wait until she talked to him to be ready to leave. She’d do a final wash tomorrow. There would be no goodbye, and maybe that would be best for Brent.

  A trickle of awareness crept along her spine, and she felt the heat of Juan’s stare on her. “I didn’t hear you come in.” She didn’t look at him, just kept folding things and putting them in the valise.

  “Did you need something?” he asked, and his voice was surprisingly gentle.

  “No, I’m fine. I don’t need anything from you. You’ve made it obvious that you don’t care anyway. Brent and I will be just fine.” She swallowed back the lump that was forming in her throat and forced herself to glance up at him. “I found a place to go, and we’re leaving in three days.” Why did her voice have to quaver? Quickly she looked back down into her valise.

  “Are you going to live with my ma and pa?”

  “No, I’m going to get married. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have more packing to do.”

  “What do you mean you’re getting married?” His voice became louder.

  She didn’t answer him. She thought she’d been ready to tell him, but she didn’t feel courageous anymore, and her strength was depleting fast.

  “Sonia, who are you marrying? I haven’t seen anyone here courting you.”

  She couldn’t pretend to pack anymore. She’d get a cup of coffee and sit down for a bit. As she walked past Juan he grabbed her arm and prevented her from going any farther.

  Automatically, she put her other hand up to protect her face while her body tensed, waiting for the blow that would be coming.

  Juan let her go and stepped back. “You thought I’d hit you? You know me better than that.” He stared at her, and she noted the confusion in his eyes.

  She walked to the cook stove. “Did you want a cup of coffee?”

  “Sure. Now why did you think I was going to beat you?”

  Her hands shook so badly that Juan took the coffee pot from her and poured two cups. He put them on the kitchen table and then held out a chair for her. He sat across from her.

  “I—I’m sorry it’s just a reaction. I can’t help it. I know you wouldn’t hit me but I’d been hit as soon as I’d been grabbed so many times before that I guess my mind went back to it and I automatically needed to protect my face and head. I’m sorry.” The hurt on his face became imprinted on her heart.

  He nodded, but he frowned. “Who asked you to marry him?”

  “A rancher named David Winstone. He’s in need of a wife to help with his ranch.” She gave him a smile but his eyes narrowed. He didn’t appear to believe her smile.

  “When did you meet this David Winstone? I don’t recall ever hearing that name before.” He stared at her making her nervous.

  “I haven’t yet. I’ll be a mail order bride. Many women do it, and it’s a perfectly fine way to find a husband. He even said he’d raise Brent as his own. He has horses and cattle like you do. He wants children, and he wants me to share his life.” She couldn’t summon excitement about the next chapter in her life.

  “I see.” Juan stood up and left, slamming the door behind him.

  Her stomach churned, and she shook as tears began to flow. He didn’t care, and here she was wasting her tears on him. But she couldn’t help it. She’d forget him soon enough, she supposed. That’s what she’d been telling herself, anyway, and now she realized she’d been lying to herself.

  She needed to go get Brent. After washing her face, she walked to Greg and Mercy’s house and knocked on the door.

  Upon answering, Mercy took one look at her and hugged her. “I’m guessing it didn’t go well. Both of the children are napping. Come talk to me.” Mercy led her back outside and they sat on the wooden chairs on the porch.

  “I suppose it went as well as…” She released a heavy sigh. “It was awful. He ignored me the whole time I was at the corral. I followed him into the barn and the same thing happened. A sob I’d been holding in came out, and I turned and hurried back to the house. I’ve been unwanted plenty of times but it never hurt as much as it did today.” She took a deep breath. “I told him I was to be a mail order bride, and he walked out of the house slamming the door.”

  “Oh, dear.”

  “Actually it just reinforces that he doesn’t want me around. I’m sure I’ll have a good life with David Winstone. It’ll be nice to be welcomed again.”

  Mercy nodded. “What did you tell him about Brent’s father?”

  “I lied and said he was dead.” Sonia shook her head. “I hate to start our marriage with a lie between us, but I have to protect Brent and my reputation too.”

  “I think you did the right thing.” Mercy reached over and patted Sonia’s hand. “The men will be branding tomorrow. We won’t see much of them in the next few days anyway.”

  “I suppose it’s a good thing.”

  A soft cry came from inside.

  “I hear Hannah, and I bet Brent isn’t far behind. Thank you so much for watching him.” They stood and Sonia hugged Me
rcy. “I appreciate the friendship you’ve extended to me.”

  “You’re easy to like, Sonia.” Mercy led the way into the house and the bedroom where the two children had been sleeping. Both women laughed. Hannah was sitting on top of Brent jabbering at him in baby talk. Brent just smiled at Hannah.

  “It’s a shame you’re leaving. I bet these two would have been the best of friends,” Mercy commented as she lifted Hannah off of Brent.

  “They might have,” Sonia answered wistfully. She lifted Brent and carried him to the front door. “Thank you again.” She nodded and left.

  Heart sore was how she felt. She cared for Juan, she just hadn’t known how much. Would she ever feel that way about David Winstone? It didn’t really matter of course. He was her future.

  Night was falling, and Greg had a roaring fire going. Juan was tired. It had been a long day of rounding up the cattle and then branding them. They had one more day of it, and then they’d head home. Not long after that, Sonia and Brent would leave. He hadn’t even asked her how she was getting to her new destination or if she needed anything. He could have offered her some money. He owed her wages, he’d just pay her a generous amount.

  “Juan!”

  “What?”

  “I’ve been talking to you for a full five minutes or so, and now I see you haven’t been hearing a word I said.” Greg sounded disgusted, but he had a smile on his face. “What’s on your mind? Horses?”

  “Did you know Sonia is getting married? She doesn’t even know the fella. He could be another woman beater for all she knows. Sometimes I wonder if she uses the brain God gave her.”

  “I knew. In fact I sent out the original eight letters for her. She had three proposals to consider, and she chose Winstone. He seems like a nice enough man.” Greg shrugged.