by Merv Lambert
Title Page
THE CAVE EMU
By
Merv Lambert
Publisher Information
The Cave Emu
Published in 2014 by Andrews UK Limited
www.andrewsuk.com
This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out or otherwise circulated without the publisher’s prior written consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published, and without a similar condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.
The characters and situations in this book are entirely imaginary and bear no relation to any real person or actual happening.
Copyright © 2014 Merv Lambert
The right of Merv Lambert to be identified as author of this book has been asserted in accordance with section 77 and 78 of the Copyrights Designs and Patents Act 1988.
Introduction
Colin the Librarian owns a special, ancient book with a magic bookmark that has a red phoenix on it. His adventures are sometimes begun by him merely starting to read the book and then immediately finding himself taking part in the story, or perhaps the bookmark will give off a red flash, transporting him straight into the action. Often he is accompanied by his computer-generated emu friend M, who is invisible to everyone except Colin and certain members of his family. Sometimes M lives with Colin’s cousins Billy and Jilly, but more often than not he is to be found at Colin’s house.
Colin’s Second Chinese Adventure
“Daddy, you’ve been to China, haven’t you?”
Colin’s little daughter Charlotte, now three years old, was always asking him questions about the adventures the magic phoenix bookmark and his special book had led him through.
“Well, sort of,” he replied.
“And, Daddy, did you play ping pong?”
“Well, at that time it hadn’t been invented.”
“Oh,” said Charlotte’s mother Olivia, who had just come into the kitchen, “why this sudden interest in China and ping pong?”
“Well, I like Daddy’s story about how he met the Emperor. I wish I could meet all those people too. Do you think the phoenix would take me there?”
“Not without us,” Olivia quickly said, “and Daniel would have to come too, and so would Sammy and M.”
At that moment they could see their little dog Sammy in the garden hopping over their unusual, computer-generated emu friend, who was invisible to nearly everyone except certain members of their family. He was lying flat on the lawn, enjoying the sunshine.
“You wouldn’t like Glum Pi though,” said Colin.
“Maybe, if you asked the phoenix nicely, “suggested Olivia, winking at Charlotte.
Colin disagreed. “No, I’ll try and find the right page in the book.”
He opened it on the kitchen table, and ran his finger down the page he had selected, but without warning the magic phoenix bookmark in his pocket gave a bright red flash.
A moment later the whole family, Olivia, Colin, Charlotte and Little Daniel aged 2 plus one small dog and one large emu were standing in a very pleasant garden with cherry trees covered in pink and white blossom. Only Colin and Sammy had been here before, probably 4 years in the present time and also 2,300 years ago.
“This,” said Colin, “is the imperial garden.
“You mean the garden of the Emperor of China?” asked Olivia.
Colin nodded his head. “Of course,” he said.
Sammy was already sniffing round delightedly. He was aware of so many smells ancient and familiar. He gave a little bark, and this was answered by another bark and a sort of questioning growl and a little flare of orange light above one of the flowering shrubs nearby. Suddenly another small dog and a rather larger dragon scampered into sight. The dragon’s face registered pure joy. He recognised his friend Sammy, who woofed, and ran to greet him. Instantly they sniffed each other, exchanging fascinating smells. The other little dog stood looking puzzled.
Then Colin saw some people he knew. On his previous visit he had met Princess Orange Blossom and her husband Si Thru. They were each holding the hand of a little boy about 3 years old.
The princess cried out in delight. “Koh Lin! We did not expect to see you ever again!”
Si-Thru strode forward to embrace him. “Koh Lin, I see you have brought your family with you this time.”
Colin quickly introduced his family to the royal couple. As ever, the magic phoenix bookmark was enabling him and the others to speak and understand this particular version of the Chinese language perfectly. It pulsed encouragingly in his pocket beneath the long white robes he was wearing. Olivia was in similar attire, but her robes were bright red. Their children wore white with a red sash tied around their middle.
Orange Blossom then ushered her little boy forward. “And this is So Hi,” she said.
Her son bowed politely, and then he looked up at his mother before asking, “May I play with Cha Lee and Da Nee?” He meant Charlotte and Daniel.
“Of course,” replied Orange Blossom, and the three children ran off gleefully.
Colin glanced round. He couldn’t see M until he looked up. Ah, there he was! Up there, perched on the curved roof at the very top of a nine-storey pagoda that peeked over the top of some tall trees. The dragon was also looking up. He could see M, who began sliding on his bottom down the curved roof to land on the next curved roof below. He did this again, and was then out of sight behind the trees. It did not take him long to appear from between the flowering bushes at the end of the garden. He strode up to the dragon, and then Sammy woofed to introduce them. For a moment both creatures eyed the strange new acquaintance they had just made. Sammy woofed again, and he and his two friends began a mad game of chasing round the garden. The other little dog looked on, uncertain what to do.
Orange Blossom laughed. “Go on, Poo Chi. They will let you join in.” She waved her hand, and the second little dog scampered off to join in the fun.
The princess turned to one of her attendant ladies, and told her to arrange for servants to bring seats and refreshments for her guests and for herself and Si Thru. Shortly everyone was seated in the garden enjoying some sort of fruit drink. Colin recalled the first drink he had had here offered by the extremely lazy head-gardener Glo Bagg, whom he had renamed Glum Pi. This time there was no dead wasp floating in his bowl.
Then he said,” Where are my friends Fah Flung, Ai Dun Pong, and Hoo Flung Dung?”
“Oh,” replied Si Thru. “They are busy on a project for the Emperor. They are over in the new pavilion. They can’t quite get it right. Come with me. I’ll show you.”
Immediately they all followed him down a path, and the children suddenly appeared behind them together with two small dogs, an emu and a dragon. The pavilion had a red and gold fabric roof supported by bamboo walls with openings on all sides to let in the sunshine and the breezes. It was swaying slightly in the wind. The floor consisted of a square of polished wooden blocks. Colin’s three old friends were busy trying to put the finishing touches to a new game for the Emperor, but they were frustrated because they could not quite make it work. They looked up in surprise, when they saw Colin, and rushed over to greet him.
Once again Colin introduced his family. Then he asked, “What seems to be the problem?”
“Ah,” sighed Fah Flung, “the Emperor wants this new game. You see this floor? Well, we take out a block from it here and there. The idea is to slide that other block, the red one, so that it drops into a hole. You can move it with your hand or your foot or even with a stick, if you li
ke, but the problem is that it is extremely difficult to get the correct angle to get it to drop exactly into the hole. Here. Let me show you.”
He took the red brick in his hand, aimed it at a square hole at the far end of the pavilion floor. It slid along, but ended up resting diagonally on the sides of the hole. Ai Dun tried using his foot, and Hoo Flung used a short pole. All failed.
Olivia asked, “Have you thought of making the holes bigger or the red brick smaller?”
Oh, yes,” said Ai Dun, “but the Emperor did not like either of those ideas.”
“He can be very hard to please,” added Hoo Flung.
Charlotte tugged the sleeves of Olivia’s long red robe.
“Mummy, Mummy,” she said, “Why not use a ball instead of a brick? You know, like golf.”
“Good idea,” said Colin. “A ball will fit easily into a hole of any shape.”
“If the hole is bigger,” added Olivia.
“Oh, yessss!” breathed Fah Flung. “It’s a great idea. I think the Emperor will like it.”
Another little voice piped up. It was Daniel. “You could make him a crazy golf like we played at the seaside.”
“Yes,” agreed Charlotte. It was awesome.”
“What is crazy golf?” asked Si Thru.
“Yes, what is it?” asked Colin’s three friends, who were former guards of the imperial household.
Again Charlotte piped up. “I’ll draw it for you.”
Consequently about thirty minutes later, after Si Thru had sent a servant to find suitable things for Charlotte to make some sketches, she was dipping a fine paint-brush into some black ink. Her sketches were brilliantly clear.
“What have we got so far?” asked Colin.
Olivia replied, “A windmill, a temple, a horse, a pagoda...”
“And what about a lion?” shouted Daniel excitedly.
“O.K. a lion,” said Olivia, “but you know, Daniel, the Chinese have certainly not seen an African lion, so their idea of one is different from ours. The face is rather round and a bit like a man’s with a flat nose.”
“Oh, like those statues at the sides of the entrance to the pagoda,” said Charlotte. “I wondered what they were.”
“But how many things have we got to make?” asked Fah Flung.
“Thirteen,” replied Olivia.
“Oh, good.! That’s a lucky number for us,” said Princess Orange Blossom, “and eight is a very, very lucky number.”
Si Thru immediately sent for his chief architect and craftsman, who was called Pong Ping, and told him that he was to construct a crazy golf course for the Emperor. He showed him Charlotte’s designs, and the little girl explained how each hole was supposed to work.
Pong Ping scratched his chin, and said, “Fine, but we’ll need another pavilion. I’ll set our lazy head-gardener Glum Pi to work. He will not be pleased.”
“Yes, he’s probably busy sleeping,” laughed Colin, who had met him on his previous visit there. He glanced up and saw that Daniel was talking in dragon-speak and emu-speak. The dragon appeared to be laughing. Had M just told him a joke? He remembered the dragon’s name now. It was Fleddy, not quite Freddy, but near enough.
Suddenly a lady appeared from a corner of the garden, waved at Orange Blossom, and hurried towards them all.
“Yoo hoo!” she called. “Yoo hoo!”
Orange Blossom grinned warmly. “That’s my aunt. She ‘s the court gossip, I’m afraid. Guess what her name is?”
“Yoo Hoo?” suggested Olivia.
“Right,” laughed the princess. “Auntie, let me introduce you to our guests. Koh Lin you already know from before.”
“Ah, yes,” gushed Yoo Hoo. “But listen. I’ve some important news. Your father’s brothers, the Princes Ugg Lee have arrived from their lands in the north. I fear there will be trouble. I do not trust them. They are dangerous, powerful men. They make no secret of their desire to rule here one day. Unfortunately you will meet them at the feast tonight. Well, I must go. I have much to find out. Byeee!”
“What a funny old lady!” said Charlotte.
“Yes,” laughed Colin. Come on. We ought to see how the workmen are getting on building the crazy golf.”
In fact an army of workmen were busy, supervised by Si Thru, Pong Ping and Fah Flung. Tubby little Glum Pi, who did not recognise Colin in his fine robes, was pretending to help, but getting in everyone’s way. Ai Dun had set his craftsmen the task of making putters and balls, whilst Hoo Flung was measuring and laying out the course.
However, in what seemed an amazingly short span of time, which often was the case in Colin’s adventures, the crazy golf course beneath the bright red canopy of its new pavilion was finished and ready to be tested by Daniel, whose idea it had been in the first place. Soon the others followed him round. Orange Blossom squealed in delight, when she shot a hole in one under the tiny bridge at hole number 5.
“Oh, my father will love this!” she cried.
Si Thru grinned, and remarked, “Yes, and he will find ways of making money out of it. I’ll suggest he sets up an imperial crazy golf competition for the richest families. Everyone will pay to enter. I mean everyone will pay him to enter!”
Finally Si Thru summoned all the workers and craftsmen. He paid them generously, but he warned them not to say a word to anyone about their day’s work, as it was a surprise for the Emperor. They all bowed, and slipped silently away home. Glum Pi was already snoring, lying flat on his back on his kang or sleeping platform out in the nearby vegetable garden. He had not worked so hard since that troublesome fellow - What was his name? Koh Lin - had been here some years ago.
Later that day the unusually warm spring sunshine lit up the large feast which had been set outside on low tables. Colin and Olivia found themselves next to some very interesting individuals. The Emperor’s Minister of Information was called Yoo No, and the Emperor’s Minister of Disinformation was called No Wei. Neither of them recalled meeting Colin on a previous occasion. Olivia was forced to listen to the court gossip of Yoo Hoo, who was sometimes interrupted by Ah Choo, apparently the Minister of Health or, as Olivia told Colin, the Minister of Ill Health. Later she said to her husband, “I think you made up all these names, Colin.” To which he replied, “No, but no doubt the phoenix did.”
All the guests were seated on comfortable cushions, but the Emperor sat on a high-backed seat, so that his head was above everyone else. His two brothers sat next to him. They said little, but glared at him angrily whenever they were not wolfing down their food. They were both short and squat with broad shoulders and thick, powerful arms. They both wore long straggling black moustaches, which hung down beneath their chins.
One was called Ugg Lee Wun and the other was Ugg Lee Too.
Colin whispered to Olivia in English. “This is turning into a pantomime. You know what I mean - the Ugly Brothers!”
Each of these Uglies had an annoying habit whilst they were eating of swiping the back of his hand across his mouth and spraying rice everywhere.Some fell on Charlotte. Who was not pleased.
Ugg Lee Wun chuckled. “There, little one, extra for you to chew on!” he boomed. Then he said, ”Gar! Urrgh!”
Only Colin and his family saw what really happened. With his beak M had gripped one side of the man’s moustache and brought his face crashing down into a bowl of soup.
The Emperor, tall and slim, grinned delightedly.
The enraged Ugg Lee Wun, his face bright red with anger and stained that colour by the soup, turned and roared at Ugg Lee Too. “You did that on purpose!”
“No, no!” protested Ugg Lee Too. You did it all by your stupid self!”
His brother roared again, “Grrr!” and grabbed him by the moustache so that he also found himself staring at the bottom of his bowl through a haze of red soup.
&
nbsp; Both the Uglies were almost speechless with rage. Both had lost face. In other words they had been humiliated and made to look foolish.
The Emperor stood up. He was more than a head taller than his two younger brothers. He was pointing at the far end of the imperial garden. In a firm voice he commanded them, “Go now! You will never return to the Forbidden City. You have disgraced me and my family in front of all of our guests. You will never rule here. Be thankful that I am letting you live. Go, I say! Now!”
Muttering, the two Uglies slunk away followed by their servants and escorted by the Emperor’s guards.
As they disappeared from sight, Orange Blossom spoke up. “Father, we have something for you.”
“What is it?”
“It’s a surprise,” she answered, and taking him by the arm, led him down another path in the garden that soon brought them to the second new pavilion.
“What is that?” gasped the Emperor.
“It’s a new game. It’s great fun. We hope you will like it. Will you allow Little Daniel to demonstrate it?”
“Of course, but is it just for children?”
“Oh, no. It’s for everyone.”
The Emperor smiled, as he watched Daniel knock a small ball through the hole in the middle of a little Chinese bridge, and he roared with laughter, when he did not hit the ball quite hard enough up the slope and it ran down the bends in the body of the long, green, carved snake.
“Coming back!” he chuckled, and he reached for a putter to have a go himself.
Instantly he was hooked.
“This is marvellous!” he cried. “I like it this crazy gofe!” No one thought it wise to correct him.
Orange Blossom, Yoo Hoo, Si Thru, plus Colin and his family had all had a turn before the Emperor decided to go round again, this time followed by Fah Flung and his brothers, who were now high-ranking members of his court.
They all were enjoying themselves watched by Sammy, M and Fleddy, when suddenly a blood-curdling cry rent the air. “Yaaaar! Death to them all!”