“The short version? I joined the military because I wanted routine and predictability. My house was chaos twenty-four-seven with six kids and parents who opened their doors to the world. ’Stair was already signed up and deployed, and it was a coincidence that we were eventually stationed together. I didn’t much like being told what to do, but that was ’cause some of our officers didn’t know their shit. I soon figured out who did though and trusted them. I used my own judgment with the others. When you’re out on patrol, you gotta trust yourself and your buddies, but most of all be in control.
“Afghanistan changed all of that. There was no control, no real routine, and no predictability. That country has never been conquered since the beginning of time, and some of the best armies in the world have tried. We had the Brits and the Canadians with us, all good fighters, and it was like a gong show. You never knew who your enemy was because the faces changed from day to day. Kids, old folks, women. You hardly saw the real fighters, the men, the ones we were supposed to get.
“Alistair and I were assigned to a ghost unit, just six guys who went out on forays and cleaned up little pockets of insurgents as we found them. Our unit was clean, miraculously. No sick fucks. No interest in anything other than what we were supposed to do. But there were lots of guys who liked to mess with the locals and hurt people. I’m not going to tell you about that because Meredith won’t want me retraumatized or you to have that shit in your head.
“Suffice it to say that I killed people, sometimes the wrong people, innocents, and I saw terrible things that impacted me. I’m good with dealing with the enemy if I know who that is. It’s the gray areas I can’t deal with, and there were a million shades of gray over there. Meredith says my personality couldn’t deal with the incessant barrage, and so I became like an automaton, like lots of other guys. Maybe if I’d already been a trained Dom, I’d have dealt better. I don’t know. Anyhow, when I was discharged, I tried to purge my soul and destroy myself at the same time. You know the rest.”
Max looked at him. There was no pity in his eyes, nor judgment. Max just looked at him and slowly nodded. “And then you met a girl who didn’t give a shit about all the crap, just about you. And you got all conflicted and tried to protect her by shoving her away instead of hanging tight. Yeah, that’s typical. How’s that working for you? Nope, no need to answer. My Meredith’ll help you with the conflict, and then it’ll be up to you. And then you’re done seeing her.”
Dave heard the implacable resolve in Max’s voice. Max had been the party boy, the one who made up the last man standing in various sexual permutations, always alone on the outside, always looking in. But then he’d met Meredith and figured himself out, then made himself a home. Dave had the most insane need to weep with envy, so he dropped his gaze to hide it and merely nodded his compliance. Max punched him the upper arm before letting himself out. Dave sat there and looked at the carpet for eternity.
Chapter Five
“Please sit down, Miss Lambert.” Andrew Wright’s calm, deep voice did more than direct her to the chair in front of his desk. It settled her anxiety and spoke to something deeper inside of her. It was like being in Alistair Frayne’s presence. Or Dave’s. Although Dave hadn’t left her in any settled state of mind on that day he rejected her, and she still ached from playing it over and over in her head in an attempt to understand and dispel the finality.
“I’ve gone over your paperwork.” Fiona snapped to attention at the tiny hint of exasperation in the big Dom’s voice. He expected her total focus, so she gave it to him.
“I wanted to ask you a couple of questions. I note that one of your hard boundaries is no intercourse, but you aren’t eschewing anal sex.”
There was no questioning inflection in his voice, simply a statement of fact, but Fiona hurried to answer. “I really thought about all those questions and preferences and boundaries, Sir. But I find I can’t imagine having sexual relations with someone I’m not personally involved with.”
“Anal sex is intensely personal, Miss Lambert. It’s often considered a form of claiming. Considering your explanation, I’m changing that to anal play.”
Fiona found herself nodding. She hadn’t thought about it that way, but the information she’d read made it sound really sexy and pleasurable when she would never have imagined it. Once again her ability to open her mind had given her insight into opportunities that she might never have considered before. She secretly thought she was kind of a pervert, and the opportunity to explore that side of herself in safety was too much to pass up, even if it was going to cost her all of her savings for a membership. And anal sex had sounded dirty enough to punish her for even considering it and far enough removed from the act of love her parents spoke so highly of. Fiona staunchly told that little voice in her head that she wasn’t doing this to become the perfect submissive to Dave’s perfect Dom. She also convinced herself that her fantasy of walking into Alistair’s Club on the arm of some wonderful Dom and showing Dave what he had thrown away wasn’t something she thought about at all.
“Miss Lambert? Fiona?” Crap, she was crying, and right in front of Andrew Wright. She scrabbled frantically in the depths of her bag for some tissues and suddenly found herself cuddled onto his lap, her head tucked beneath his chin, the steady beat of his heart calming her. He handed her a bunch of tissues, and she mopped her face and blew her nose, dropping the soiled wad into the garbage can he kicked out from beneath his desk for her.
“I’m sorry.” She didn’t know what else to say.
“You are accepted here as a member, Fiona. There is nothing in the paperwork to exclude you. But you need to tell me the real reason you came, and do not lie to me, or you won’t like the consequence.”
Fiona gulped and tried to gather her thoughts even as her belly cramped at the silky threat in his voice. “I’m intrigued by the lifestyle. I read about it in some of my romance novels, ‘erotica,’ I guess you’d call it. I want to be mastered. It feels right. I don’t know about outside of the bedroom, although I want a strong, capable man there, too, but one who listens to me and considers my opinion.”
She stopped there, hoping it would be enough for this perceptive man, but he just held her and waited. The fact that he wasn’t looking into her face made her wonder how prescient he was, and then she realized he was as adept at reading body language as actually reading facial expressions, and reading between the spoken lines. She tried to tell him. “I thought I’d found that man. He let me say it, that I loved him, and he just stood there and looked at me like I’d said something totally stupid. Better he slapped me. He had changed, and I hadn’t, and I guess I am stupid.”
Fiona found herself upended, her nose about a foot from the lovely Oriental carpet in the Dom’s office. He trapped her legs between his even as he pulled her little flirty skirt up to her waist. Fiona opened her mouth to scream and tell him to stop whatever it was he was doing or ask him what the heck he was doing. Something. Anything. Then his hand came down on her buttocks, nearly covering them with the size and heat of his palm. It stung like fury, and the accompanying smacking sound echoed in the room. She shrieked, and he spanked her again and again. Fiona cried a whole lot of different kind of tears then, although the sensation when he rubbed that big hand against the silk of her panties distracted her somewhat and awoke something deep in her core.
Andrew pulled her up and stood her on her feet directly in front of him, her skirt falling to decorously cover her again. He held her until she was steady before releasing his hold. “That’s what a sub gets for self-deprecating comments, Fiona. Your love interest may have changed his mind. I wouldn’t know. But you didn’t, and you were hurt by his actions. You are not stupid. You are a loving, courageous woman who took a chance to seek what you needed. Am I making myself clear?”
Fiona nodded and then hastened to answer out loud. “Yes. Sir. Clear.”
“Very good. Now, I was going to assign you a house Dom, but I’ve changed my mind.”
/> Fiona’s heart sank. He wasn’t going to accept her after all. She had screwed it up. There were other Clubs, but this one seemed the best choice for her, and this man seemed more like a father figure, although without any weird, sick stuff attached to such a role.
“You’re overthinking, Fiona.”
She looked at him, startled. He just kept reading her. “I’m sorry.”
“You may well be. I’m going to train you, little one, and I’m an excellent Dom. My wife is pregnant again, and we don’t play while she’s in that condition. I assure you I do not cheat on my spouse, and seeing as you’re not consenting to either vaginal or anal intercourse, it seems a good match. There will be no oral sex either.”
A sense of calm came over Fiona. She had resigned herself to learning how to give blow jobs because it seemed they were something every man wanted, but she’d rather learn with someone she cared about. And having the anal sex off the table was now a relief, too. She didn’t know what kind of a submissive she would turn out to be, but she was happy to put herself in this man’s capable hands. There would be no sex to nurture with love and commitment, but the other experiences might make up for the lack. She certainly wasn’t doing this for Dave or because of him. She was doing this for herself. And if she said it often enough, it would make it come true.
“I don’t think you really know what you want, Fiona, or what you think this process will give you, but I believe I’ll be able to help you sort it out. I’ll expect you here tomorrow night at eight. Be prompt.”
Fiona ducked her head. “Yes, Sir.”
He placed a hand in the small of her back and eased her out the door he opened for her. And she was on a very different path if she didn’t chicken out before tomorrow night. At eight.
* * * *
Unleashed felt different than Alistair’s Club, although she hadn’t been past the front area she’d naively thought was some kind of group-therapy room. She choked back a giggle at the thought, full of both excitement and anxiety. She’d had no idea what to wear for her first night in training. Her secretarial job’s wardrobe hadn’t offered any inspiration, so Fiona had made a hasty shopping trip to the local mall. She picked out some nice panties in a pretty shade of blue and covered them with a short leather skirt she found on a remainder rack. It barely covered her bottom, but it seemed to fit the ambiance of a BDSM club. The top she found was like one she’d seen a woman wearing as she served beer in a tavern that hearkened back to the 1800s. Its wide neckline fell off her shoulders, and the strapless bra with the heavy-duty boning pushed her small breasts up and against the silky fabric with its intricate lacing. All in all, Fiona felt she didn’t stand out like a sore thumb amongst the other members.
Most of the men wore leathers, although there were some wearing far less, and she studiously avoided looking at male parts that weren’t covered. Those guys were with other men or women who had that Andrew look about them, and she realized the guys being displayed were submissives. The other women wore little or nothing at all, and Fiona’s heart raced when she realized that she, too, might well be on display in the very near future. She’d always been one to value her privacy, and thought she was modest, but a little streak of exhibitionism lurked within her.
“I think you’ve seen enough, little one. Come with me.” Andrew’s deep voice once again calmed her, and she let him guide her into a room and close the door behind them. Her heart rate again spiked. It resembled one of the rooms she had viewed on the Net. She recognized the spanking bench and the various implements hanging on the wall. Andrew motioned for her to examine the sex toys lying on the long table, and she willingly did so. Fiona could hear her own breathing, loud in her ears, rivaling the beating of her heart.
“Remove your clothing.”
She heard the words as if at a great distance and made herself comply, albeit with considerable effort. She’d never been totally naked in front of a man before, although she and Dave…She pushed that thought away. She knew enough to fold each item and set them on the table beside the toys. Andrew nodded approvingly, and she found herself standing taller and almost proudly for him. He was her teacher, her mentor, as strange as that might seem, and she was prepared to learn and embrace the experience. This was her first time, and there would be many more, both a continuation of tonight and the opportunity to learn different things and explore her own self.
Chapter Six
The Club seemed quieter than usual, and it gave Dave and ’Stair a chance to catch up with the paperwork.
“We need to look at some kind of an exchange program or something.” Alistair shuffled the papers on his desk and looked up at Dave.
“Exchange program?”
“Most of the members are married off and having kids. They still come for drinks and conversation, but only rarely to play, and I can’t expect them to pay full membership fees. We need a fresh infusion of people, or we’re going to go broke.”
Dave knew that ’Stair was far from broke. He’d inherited money when his parents died and had invested wisely, unlike so many other people. But the Club was his baby, built on savings and sweat equity, and Alistair clearly didn’t want it to go by the wayside. And Dave didn’t, either. He liked working here and having family around him, even if it was perverted family, and he was beginning to allow himself to entertain the idea of expanding his world.
He had worked on his shit with Dr. Massey and come to understand and accept that it was his insecurity and residual fear that kept him from allowing Fiona back into his life. He was afraid he’d regress because he didn’t totally believe in himself, and she reminded him of how fucked up he’d been back then. It had still been too fresh, although there was no way Fiona could have known it. Meredith had had high hopes for him until that debacle when she’d met Fiona, and she’d apologized for what she called “countertransference.” Dave had no clue what she was going on about, but figured that Max was right about his assertion about how blurred the boundaries had gotten. Meredith hadn’t given up until he worked things through and then parted professional ways with him, providing another shrink’s name in the event he needed follow-up.
Alistair hadn’t even mentioned the incident to him, although Jackie would have spilled the beans instantly, and not just because it was expected that she share her burdens with her Dom. Dave soon realized that ’Stair expected him to fix it without the need for encouragement. His buddy assumed, quite correctly, that he’d make it right, and he was now in a headspace to do so.
Dave had made the trip to Lansdown right after that last session with Dr. Massey. He was prepared to grovel at Fiona’s feet and apologize, although he was still hesitant about having any kind of relationship with her, even if she would still have him. But he decided to put it out there for her to think it through and consider things in that way she had. Fiona was intelligent and quick. She would make the decision, and he would live with her choice. His inner Dom assured him that she would want to be with him, and he had to work hard to manage the anticipation of introducing Fiona to his lifestyle.
Except no one was there when he arrived, and the anticlimactic shock of it blew him away. He hadn’t thought to call first. Fiona’s parents never left their small farm unless it was to go to town for supplies. Their neighbors enlightened him. The Lamberts had finally made that longed-for trip back to the old country, and it may well have been the moon as far as Dave was concerned. It seemed an open-ended trip. He had no way of tracking them and not enough resources to go there even if he thought he could locate them. He returned to Tulsa after writing a message for Fiona and shoving it under the door, not trusting the mailbox out at the end of the lane. He left an identical one at the post office. And then there was nothing more to do but wait. It had been weeks, and he feared she’d chosen not to respond.
He tortured himself with thoughts of Fiona meeting someone over there and deciding to stay. He woke regularly from erotic dreams of her, wearing that lovely little smile she had and nothing else, his sheets
damp and his cock aching. And he worked relentlessly at the Club so that Alistair could spend more time with the soon-to-be– mother of his child, Jackie, and Ash. He became expert with the single tail, as Meredith had predicted, but his ability to read subs and help their Doms attune with them gave him the greatest satisfaction even as it underscored his own previous lack.
“Kind of hard to advertise a place like this, buddy. And an exchange program, well, it sounds weird.”
Alistair laughed. “You’d be surprised. There’s any number of people interested in exploring this kind of thing, but I want to be really careful who we let in here. We don’t want looky-loos or reporters. Nope. I know that Kyle and Andrew have made referrals before, and I’ve turned them down because the people weren’t military or cops or at least with that kind of background. We should open the ranks, so to speak. We might be able to teach them a thing or two, although we’ve had our share of drama.”
It was the closest ’Stair had come to ribbing Dave about Fiona. Dave shrugged. It didn’t matter to him what his buddy chose to do. He was now a training Dom and good at it, gaining experience with every scene. He wasn’t interested in subs per se, but in training their Doms to be the best they could be. The occasional sub he worked with was always treated well, given the full experience, but Dave had no sexual interest in them. He didn’t want one. He wanted Fiona, when he let himself admit it. Whatever ’Stair decided was fine with him.
“Andrew invited us for a tour of Unleashed this Friday night. Their club is considerably bigger and has a wide range of members. It should give us an idea if it’s something we want to expand into here and if their members would fit.”
Apt [Running to Love 6] (Siren Publishing Classic) Page 4