by Nana Prah
Ora made a quick assessment. A pretty woman of an average height and build wearing a colourful traditional Ghanaian kaba and slit. The kaba, conservative, even by Ora’s standards, sported plain sleeves that stopped mid-arm and had a straight bodice. The slit impressed her so much that she wanted to go home and change. She memorized the style of the ankle-touching skirt to have her seamstress replicate it.
The woman wore her hair cut short to her head in a natural style very few women dared to pull off. Ora touched her head, wondering if she’d ever have the confidence to cut all of her hair off. Life would be easier without having to go to the hairdresser every week to have it washed and set. Going natural would eliminate the chemical relaxers, too.
She had been too busy trying to stop her palms from sweating and causing her dehydration to think about what her therapist would look like. If she had, this woman would never have come to mind.
“Aurora Aikins. Good morning. My name is Diana Assan. Welcome.”
Ora sprang out her chair as if her name had been called for attendance. “Good morning,” she replied as she grasped Diana’s hand in a firm handshake. No limp fish grip for this confident woman.
“Please come with me.”
Ora morphed into Daniel going into the lion’s den. The urge to turn around and bolt gathered within her, but she’d look like an idiot if she said, “Oh, that’s alright. I’m all better now. I don’t need any help. Sorry to have wasted your time.” So she followed the woman into her office.
The large space had a desk in one area of the room and a set of light blue chairs and a beige couch in the other section. The bookcase at the far end took up about a quarter of the wall, loaded with thick, voluminous books. She couldn’t read the titles from where she stood but took an educated guess that they all had to do with psychology.
The therapist indicated for Ora to sit down. She sat at the end of the couch closest to the door just in case she could no longer contain the urge to run, or had the need to vomit.
Diana sat in the armchair closest to her and laid a pad of paper on her lap.
“How are you feeling today?”
“I’m a little nervous, but otherwise, well.” She might as well get off to a good start. “How are you doing?” She felt odd asking the question, but her mother had taught her to be polite.
“I’m fine, thank you. It’s normal to be nervous in a new situation.”
She nodded.
“Aurora is an interesting name.”
Diana hadn’t asked but Ora had a compulsion to tell her the origin. “My mother once saw a picture of the Northern lights, also known as the Aurora Borealis, and thought they were a true reflection of God’s beauty. She said she thought the same thing about me as soon as she held me and she remembered the picture of the Aurora, thus how she gave me the name.”
“That’s an interesting story.”
Her smile showed no teeth. Should Ora confide in someone who didn’t smile openly? Once again, she darted her gaze to the door. “What brings you to counselling?”
“Esi didn’t tell you, Mrs. Assan?”
“Not about why you were coming to see me. She said she’d recommended me to you. Please call me Diana.”
“Okay, Diana. Esi thinks I have issues with commitment related to my father not being around to raise me.” The words sounded foreign coming out of her mouth. Both her mother and Esi had said the same thing, but it had been less real when it came from them.
“Why do you think you’re here?”
She took a deep breath, letting her response roll around in her head before speaking, not wanting to give Diana fodder to be used against her later. “I agree with Esi.”
“You believe you have an issue with commitment?”
Ora nodded.
“Tell me why you think this is so.”
For the next forty-five minutes, Ora loosened her tongue. Diana’s nods and prompts made her easy to talk to. The first time she wrote on her white legal pad, Ora stiffened and paused, craning her neck to see if she could identify the words crazy or unhinged on the paper. With a reassuring nod from Diana, she’d continued with caution.
She delved into how she and Jason met in South Africa and been reunited. She explained how and why she had cut off all communication. She spoke about her past relationships and how they had ended.
Throughout the session, Diana asked questions. She listened with rapt attention and when Ora had finished she said, “I see.”
Other than asking the woman what she saw, which would border on paranoid, Ora had no response.
“I hope you’re aware counselling takes more than one session to help resolve issues, especially ones as deep-seeded as yours. Along with the counselling sessions, I’ll give you assignments to do to help you resolve your problems. Do you agree to meet again?”
Deep-seeded? Couldn’t she be diagnosed with a surface problem and wipe them away with one session, two at the most?
Diana had just listened to her story, but a little bit of hope sprang up in her heart. And this occurred after one session. She could imagine what a series of them would do for her. She’d become lighter than helium and float away, grabbing Jason’s hand and taking him with her. “Yes.”
“For your first assignment, if you consent, I want you to communicate with Jason before our next session. All you have to do is talk to him. If you decide you want to tell him what you’ve shared with me, then you can, but the choice is up to you. Talking to him instead of expelling him from your life because of fear is the first step in healing. Do you understand?”
Ora sighed, wondering if the woman could have given her an easier task to do, such as holding an elephant on her head. “Yes. It makes sense. But it’s going to be hard.”
Diana let Ora’s words sit in the air. “When can you come back? Would this time on Friday be all right with you?”
“I’m working the afternoon shift on Friday so, I can make it.”
Diana stood and Ora got up with her. “I’ll see you on Friday morning at ten. Have a good day.”
“You, too. Thank you.”
On her ride home, Ora thought about the session and the assignment she’d been given. It would be difficult for her to talk to Jason, but she had to.
Her face warmed with embarrassment at how she’d treated him that night. In a way, she’d been out of her mind, reliving the rejection of her father as a way of dealing with the situation with Jason.
As soon as she got home, she called him. She paced her room as the phone rang. He could be in the theatre and not answer.
“Hello. Ora?”
At the sound of his deep masculine voice, her knees buckled, forcing her to sit on the bed. Oh, how much she’d missed him. “Hi, Jason. Yes, it’s me.” With her next words, she’d have to take some of the breath out of her voice.
“How are you doing?”
She closed her eyes. “I’ve been better, but I’m hanging in there. And you?”
“To be honest, I’m a mess without you. I have to force myself to eat and I sleep a couple of hours at night.”
Her heart hurt. For herself and him. He shouldn’t have to suffer for her weakness. She had no idea how to relieve him of it.
“I’m sorry, for everything.” She paused. “I went to see a therapist today,” she admitted and didn’t wait for a response before rushing on. “I have some problems with commitment, Jason. But I’m working on it. I wanted to let you know.” No need to admit calling him had been an assignment.
“Is there anything I can do to help?”
He wanted to help her even though she’d been an unreasonable bitch. Joy abounded. She shook her head, forgetting he couldn’t see her. “I need some time.”
“I’m here for you. Whatever you need, just ask.”
His tone sounded so earnest, she had no cause to doubt him.
“Thank you. I appreciate that.”
“Anytime.”
“Jason?”
“Yes.”
�
�Please eat. I don’t want you wasting away to nothing.”
He laughed. “I’ll try.”
“I have to go make lunch. I’ll talk to you later.”
“You promise?”
“Yes, I have to go make lunch before heading to work. I’m hungry.” She wanted to hear him laugh, but her lame joke fell short.
“No, I meant, will you talk to me later?”
“Yes, but you must eat a huge meal today.”
“I’m on it. Have a good day, Ora.”
“You, too. Bye.”
“Bye.”
The conversation hadn’t been as difficult as she’d imagined it would be. What kind of ogre did she think Jason had turned into that she’d become petrified of talking to him? She shook her head for allowing her fears to conquer the good sense God had given her.
***
Ora went back to Diana’s office at the scheduled time on Friday.
“How are you doing today?” Diana asked when they’d settled into their seats.
This time, Ora chose the armchair closest to the door and Diana sat on the couch adjacent to her.
“I’m doing well. A lot less nervous.” Today, she had no desire to have an exit plan at the ready.
“Anxiety is expected for your first time. You didn’t know what to expect,” she said with a gentle smile. “Did you do the assignment?”
“I called and told him I’d started counselling.” She deserved an A plus and a pat on the back. She’d never been so proud of herself for doing something she didn’t want to do, but had to.
“That’s good. How did he respond?”
She folded her hands to keep from clapping. “He asked me if he could do anything to help.”
“He sounds like a supportive man.”
“He is.”
She missed him but she had to fix herself before jumping back into his arms, otherwise the cycle would repeat itself and she’d leave him again, causing more unnecessary pain in both of their lives.
“Tell me what you’re feeling right now.”
Other than anger and joy, she’d never been good at expressing her emotions so the request intimidated her. She shifted in her seat. “Feeling?”
“Yes. Tell me what you’re feeling right now.”
The need to get up and run out, hit her hard. “About what?”
“Let’s start with your conversation with Jason.”
“I feel confident about it. Calling him had been easier than I thought it would be.”
“That’s good,” Diana said and waited for Ora to say more.
More than anything, she desired to ease his pain. She hated that her behaviour had caused him to stop eating and sleeping. Even if he didn’t love her, his offer to help showed he still cared. How could she have stayed away from such a wonderful man for so long? “I want to forget about breaking up and go back to him.”
“What is stopping you?”
Every question Diana asked led somewhere. Right now, she wanted advice, not to analyze her psyche. “Do you think I should just go back to him?”
“I didn’t say that. I asked you what’s stopping you from going back to him.”
“Oh. Well, I know if I went back to him now without changing myself, then I may leave him again at a later date.”
Diana nodded, but didn’t reply. “Tell me about your childhood.”
Ora stopped herself just in time from rolling her eyes because it sounded like a cliché for a therapist to ask a client about her childhood. That’s what they always did on television, anyway.
But seeing as to how her commitment issues stemmed from her father’s abandonment of her, talking about that period of her life sounded like a good idea. For the next fifty minutes, Ora told Diana about her father mistreating her mother when she’d been pregnant and his blasé attitude about her existence. When she spoke about the last time she let herself care if her father came around or not, she plucked a tissue from the side table. Her mascara would be ruined, but at least her emotions were somewhat purged.
When she’d cleared the lump in her throat and dried her tears, she spoke about happier times. “At age eleven, my mother got married. My father, sorry, stepfather, had filled a void that made me feel more like the other people I knew who had a father living with them.” She paused to get the right words to express how much respect and love she had for the man who’d treated her as his daughter from the first moment she and her mother had moved into his house.
“He’s always there for me, ready to listen, even when his favourite football match is on, and we have fun together. He loved me even when my biological father refused to.”
What the hell was wrong with her eyes this month? Leaking as if crying came easily for her.
“I became petrified they’d forget about me when my mother announced her pregnancy. I’d been wrong.” She recalled the joy at having a baby brother to spoil. She’d become a big sister and hadn’t lost any love from her parents. “They had enough love for all of us.” That’s when she’d learned love had no limits. It could be given to one person or thousands, it didn’t matter. Diana’s note taking no longer disturbed her as she spoke.
“What happened with your father after you begged him to stay but he wouldn’t?”
Ouch. Diana didn’t pull any punches. “Nothing. He’d go and come as he pleased, but I no longer expected anything from him. He had nothing I wanted, not even his time. And I gave up on him loving me.” She didn’t want to care, but even now, the dull ache in her chest bothered her.
“When he’d come for a visit, and I never understood why, my mother would coerce me to visit with him. I would respond, ‘But Dad,’ that’s what I called my stepfather, ‘is my father, I don’t need another one.’ But I’d always go to see him and disappointment would come crashing down when he left and didn’t try to contact me.”
“Did you ever try to call him?”
“He never gave me his number. I asked for it once, but he changed the subject and I never got it. As I grew, his requests to meet baffled me because our encounters were always strained. Later, I learned he’d been pressured by his family to stay in contact. He took me to meet them a couple of times.” Ora frowned at the memory.
“How did those visits go?”
“Uncomfortable at first, but as I got to know them, I became more at ease with them than I’d ever been with my biological father. I still go to visit them every once in a while and they call me to see how I’m doing, too.”
“It sounds like you gained more family members and support by getting to know them.”
Ora smiled thinking about her father’s side of the family. They were loving people, unlike her father. She’d never understood how they were related. Where they had embraced her into their lives, he’d kept her away with a long stick. “I did.”
The session finished too fast. “Can we make an appointment for Monday, at the same time?” Diana asked.
What a difference an hour made. She anticipated coming back. “I’m working the day shift on Monday, but I can make it at around three if that’s alright with you.”
“How about if we make it four-thirty? I have a client at three.”
“That’s fine.”
“Your assignment is to write a letter to your biological father. In it, you will write down everything you’ve ever wanted to tell him. Bring the letter on Monday. Are you all right with what you’re to do?”
She’d always dreamt about letting him know her true feelings, but never had the courage. “It’ll be a short letter, but I can write it.”
“Okay. I’ll see you on Monday. Have a good weekend.”
“You, too. Goodbye.”
She left Diana Assan’s office feeling a tad bit better than she had going in. Therapy took time, but she wanted to get to the root of the problem at a faster rate. How would writing a letter help?
But Diana’s degrees made her the expert, so she’d do the assignment.
Jason’s face popped into her mind. She missed
him and wondered what he’d be doing now. Most likely in surgery. When she thought about him in the theatre, Gifty’s gloating face rose up. Anger coursed through. She took deep breaths and decided not to let that woman have any control over her by getting her upset.
She smiled. She had started healing already.
Chapter Fourteen
By the time Sunday evening rolled around, Ora still hadn’t written the letter to her biological father. “I don’t know what to write,” she said to Esi.
“I think Diana wants you to tell your father how you feel about him and how he treated you while you were growing up.”
She scrunched her face. “What is it with counselling and feelings?”
Esi laughed. “They’re what drive our actions. If you’re aware of your emotional state, then you’ll know your behaviour patterns and drive when placed in certain situations.”
“I don’t ‘do’ feelings very well.”
“Boy, do I know that, but you have to learn how to acknowledge and deal with them in order to move forward.”
“That’s the direction I want to go in.” She had never wanted anything more, because once she got out of this mucky area of her life, she’d be with Jason again, if he still wanted her. She’d no longer worry herself out of a good night’s sleep thinking about which woman would try to steal him away. Perhaps she expected too much from therapy.
“Then you have to engage with your feelings.”
“I spoke to Jason again yesterday.” Ora changed to a happier subject. “He called me.”
“And you answered?” Esi sounded surprised. “That’s good.”
“I miss him so much. We didn’t discuss anything special, just the day’s activities, but I never wanted the conversation to end.”
Esi nodded. “I’m sure you didn’t.”
Ora smiled. “You sound like Diana.”
“I’m trying to be supportive.”
“You are. Thanks.”
“That letter isn’t going to write itself. You should get on it.”
***
“Were you able to write the letter to your father?” Diana got right to the point after exchanging pleasantries.