Let her weep a little….
It will not hurt her much!
‘To be sure, to be sure, so you did. Did her father forgive her in the end?’
‘He forgave her; but he would not receive Asanov.’
‘Obstinate old fellow! Well, and are they supposed to be happy?’
‘I don’t know, really…I fancy they ‘re happy. They live in the country, in — — province. I’ve never seen them, though I have been through their parts.’
‘And have they any children?’
‘I think so…. By the way, Pasinkov?…’ I began questioningly.
He glanced at me.
‘Confess — do you remember, you were unwilling to answer my question at the time — did you tell her I cared for her?’
‘I told her everything, the whole truth…. I always told her the truth. To be hypocritical with her would have been a sin!’
Pasinkov was silent for a while.
‘Come, tell me,’ he began again: ‘did you soon get over caring for her, or not?’
‘Not very soon, but I got over it. What’s the good of sighing in vain?’
Pasinkov turned over, facing me.
‘Well, I, brother,’ he began — and his lips were quivering — ’am no match for you there; I’ve not got over caring for her to this day.’
‘What!’ I cried in indescribable amazement; ‘did you love her?’
‘I loved her,’ said Pasinkov slowly, and he put both hands behind his head. ‘How I loved her, God only knows. I’ve never spoken of it to any one, to any one in the world, and I never meant to … but there! “On earth, so they tell me, I have not long to stay.” … What does it matter?’
Pasinkov’s unexpected avowal so utterly astonished me that I could positively say nothing. I could only wonder, ‘Is it possible? how was it I never suspected it?’
‘Yes,’ he went on, as though speaking to himself, ‘I loved her. I never ceased to love her even when I knew her heart was Asanov’s. But how bitter it was for me to know that! If she had loved you, I should at least have rejoiced for you; but Asanov…. How did he make her care for him? It was just his luck! And change her feelings, cease to care, she could not! A true heart does not change….’
I recalled Asanov’s visit after the fatal dinner, Pasinkov’s intervention, and I could not help flinging up my hands in astonishment.
‘You learnt it all from me, poor fellow!’ I cried; ‘and you undertook to go and see her then!’
‘Yes,’ Pasinkov began again; ‘that explanation with her … I shall never forget it.’ It was then I found out, then I realised the meaning of the word I had chosen for myself long before: resignation. But still she has remained my constant dream, my ideal…. And he’s to be pitied who lives without an ideal!’
I looked at Pasinkov; his eyes, fastened, as it were, on the distance, shone with feverish brilliance.
‘I loved her,’ he went on, ‘I loved her, her, calm, true, unapproachable, incorruptible; when she went away, I was almost mad with grief…. Since then I have never cared for any one.’…
And suddenly turning, he pressed his face into the pillow, and began quietly weeping.
I jumped up, bent over him, and began trying to comfort him….
‘It’s no matter,’ he said, raising his head and shaking back his hair; ‘it’s nothing; I felt a little bitter, a little sorry … for myself, that is…. But it’s all no matter. It’s all the fault of those verses. Read me something else, more cheerful.’
I took up Lermontov and began hurriedly turning over the pages; but, as fate would have it, I kept coming across poems likely to agitate Pasinkov again. At last I read him ‘The Gifts of Terek.’
‘Jingling rhetoric!’ said my poor friend, with the tone of a preceptor; ‘but there are fine passages. Since I saw you, brother, I’ve tried my hand at poetry, and began one poem — ”The Cup of Life” — but it didn’t come off! It’s for us, brother, to appreciate, not to create…. But I’m rather tired; I’ll sleep a little — what do you say? What a splendid thing sleep is, come to think of it! All our life’s a dream, and the best thing in it is dreaming too.’
‘And poetry?’ I queried.
‘Poetry’s a dream too, but a dream of paradise.’
Pasinkov closed his eyes.
I stood for a little while at his bedside. I did not think he would get to sleep quickly, but soon his breathing became more even and prolonged. I went away on tiptoe, turned into my own room, and lay down on the sofa. For a long while I mused on what Pasinkov had told me, recalled many things, wondered; at last I too fell asleep….
Some one touched me; I started up; before me stood Elisei.
‘Come in to my master,’ he said.
I got up at once.
‘What’s the matter with him?’
‘He’s delirious.’
‘Delirious? And hasn’t it ever been so before with him?’
‘Yes, he was delirious last night, too; only to - day it is something terrible.’
I went to Pasinkov’s room. He was not lying down, but sitting up in bed, his whole body bent forward. He was slowly gesticulating with his hands, smiling and talking, talking all the time in a weak, hollow voice, like the whispering of rushes. His eyes were wandering. The gloomy light of a night light, set on the floor, and shaded off by a book, lay, an unmoving patch on the ceiling; Pasinkov’s face seemed paler than ever in the half darkness.
I went up to him, called him by his name — he did not answer. I began listening to his whispering: he was talking of Siberia, of its forests. From time to time there was sense in his ravings.
‘What trees!’ he whispered; ‘right up to the sky. What frost on them! Silver … snowdrifts…. And here are little tracks … that’s a hare’s leaping, that’s a white weasel… No, it’s my father running with my papers. Here he is!… Here he is! Must go; the moon is shining. Must go, look for my papers…. Ah! A flower, a crimson flower — there’s Sophia…. Oh, the bells are ringing, the frost is crackling…. Ah, no; it’s the stupid bullfinches hopping in the bushes, whistling…. See, the redthroats! Cold…. Ah! here’s Asanov…. Oh yes, of course, he’s a cannon, a copper cannon, and his gun - carriage is green. That’s how it is he’s liked. Is it a star has fallen? No, it’s an arrow flying…. Ah, how quickly, and straight into my heart!… Who shot it? You, Sonitchka?’
He bent his head and began muttering disconnected words. I glanced at Elisei; he was standing, his hands clasped behind his back, gazing ruefully at his master.
‘Ah, brother, so you’ve become a practical person, eh?’ he asked suddenly, turning upon me such a clear, such a fully conscious glance, that I could not help starting and was about to reply, but he went on at once: ‘But I, brother, have not become a practical person, I haven’t, and that’s all about it! A dreamer I was born, a dreamer! Dreaming, dreaming…. What is dreaming? Sobakevitch’s peasant — that’s dreaming. Ugh!…’
Almost till morning Pasinkov wandered in delirium; at last he gradually grew quieter, sank back on the pillow, and dozed off. I went back into my room. Worn out by the cruel night, I slept soundly.
Elisei again waked me.
‘Ah, sir!’ he said in a shaking voice, ‘I do believe Yakov Ivanitch is dying….’
I ran in to Pasinkov. He was lying motionless. In the light of the coming day he looked already a corpse. He recognised me.
‘Good - bye,’ he whispered; ‘greet her for me, I’m dying….’
‘Yasha!’ I cried; ‘nonsense! you are going to live….’
‘No, no! I am dying…. Here, take this as a keepsake.’ … (He pointed to his breast.) …
‘What’s this?’ he began suddenly; ‘look: the sea … all golden, and blue isles upon it, marble temples, palm - trees, incense….’
He ceased speaking … stretched….
Within half an hour he was no more. Elisei flung himself weeping at his feet. I closed his eyes.
On his neck there was a littl
e silken amulet on a black cord. I took it.
Three days afterwards he was buried…. One of the noblest hearts was hidden for ever in the grave. I myself threw the first handful of earth upon him.
III
Another year and a half passed by. Business obliged me to visit Moscow. I took up my quarters in one of the good hotels there. One day, as I was passing along the corridor, I glanced at the black - board with the list of visitors staying in the hotel, and almost cried out aloud with astonishment. Opposite the number 12 stood, distinctly written in chalk, the name, Sophia Nikolaevna Asanova. Of late I had chanced to hear a good deal that was bad about her husband. I had learned that he was addicted to drink and to gambling, had ruined himself, and was generally misconducting himself. His wife was spoken of with respect…. In some excitement I went back to my room. The passion, that had long long ago grown cold, began as it were to stir within my heart, and it throbbed. I resolved to go and see Sophia Nikolaevna. ‘Such a long time has passed since the day we parted,’ I thought, ‘she has, most likely, forgotten everything there was between us in those days.’
I sent Elisei, whom I had taken into my service after the death of Pasinkov, with my visiting - card to her door, and told him to inquire whether she was at home, and whether I might see her. Elisei quickly came back and announced that Sophia Nikolaevna was at home and would see me.
I went at once to Sophia Nikolaevna. When I went in, she was standing in the middle of the room, taking leave of a tall stout gentleman.
‘As you like,’ he was saying in a rich, mellow voice; ‘he is not a harmless person, he’s a useless person; and every useless person in a well - ordered society is harmful, harmful, harmful!’
With those words the tall gentleman went out. Sophia Nikolaevna turned to me.
‘How long it is since we met!’ she said. ‘Sit down, please….’
We sat down. I looked at her…. To see again after long absence the features of a face once dear, perhaps beloved, to recognise them, and not recognise them, as though across the old, unforgotten countenance a new one, like, but strange, were looking out at one; instantaneously, almost unconsciously, to note the traces time has laid upon it; — all this is rather melancholy. ‘I too must have changed in the same way,’ each is inwardly thinking….
Sophia Nikolaevna did not, however, look much older; though, when I had seen her last, she was sixteen, and that was nine years ago.
Her features had become still more correct and severe; as of old, they expressed sincerity of feeling and firmness; but in place of her former serenity, a sort of secret ache and anxiety could be discerned in them. Her eyes had grown deeper and darker. She had begun to show a likeness to her mother….
Sophia Nikolaevna was the first to begin the conversation.
‘We are both changed,’ she began. ‘Where have you been all this time?’
‘I’ve been a rolling stone,’ I answered. ‘And have you been living in the country all the while?’
‘For the most part I’ve been in the country. I’m only here now for a little time.’
‘How are your parents?’
‘My mother is dead, but my father is still in Petersburg; my brother’s in the service; Varia lives with him.’
‘And your husband?’
‘My husband,’ she said in a rather hurried voice — ’he’s just now in South Russia for the horse fairs. He was always very fond of horses, you know, and he has started stud stables … and so, on that account … he’s buying horses now.’
At that instant there walked into the room a little girl of eight years old, with her hair in a pigtail, with a very keen and lively little face, and large dark grey eyes. On seeing me, she at once drew back her little foot, dropped a hasty curtsey, and went up to Sophia Nikolaevna.
‘This is my little daughter; let me introduce her to you,’ said Sophia
Nikolaevna, putting one finger under the little girl’s round chin; ‘she would not stop at home — she persuaded me to bring her with me.’
The little girl scanned me with her rapid glance and faintly dropped her eyelids.
‘She is a capital little person,’ Sophia Nikolaevna went on: ‘there’s nothing she’s afraid of. And she’s good at her lessons; I must say that for her.’
‘Comment se nomme monsieur?’ the little girl asked in an undertone, bending over to her mother.
Sophia Nikolaevna mentioned my name.
The little girl glanced at me again.
‘What is your name?’ I asked her.
‘My name is Lidia,’ answered the little girl, looking me boldly in the face.
‘I expect they spoil you,’ I observed.
‘Who spoil me?’
‘Who? everyone, I expect; your parents to begin with.’
(The little girl looked, without a word, at her mother.) ‘I can fancy
Konstantin Alexandritch,’ I was going on …
‘Yes, yes,’ Sophia Nikolaevna interposed, while her little daughter kept her attentive eyes fastened upon her; ‘my husband, of course — he is very fond of children….’
A strange expression flitted across Lidia’s clever little face. There was a slight pout about her lips; she hung her head.
‘Tell me,’ Sophia Nikolaevna added hurriedly; ‘you are here on business, I expect?’
‘Yes, I am here on business…. And are you too?’
‘Yes…. In my husband’s absence, you understand, I’m obliged to look after business matters.’
‘Maman!’ Lidia was beginning.
‘Quoi, mon enfant?’
‘Non — rien…. Je te dirai après.’
Sophia Nikolaevna smiled and shrugged her shoulders.
‘Tell me, please,’ Sophia Nikolaevna began again; ‘do you remember, you had a friend … what was his name? he had such a good - natured face … he was always reading poetry; such an enthusiastic — ’
‘Not Pasinkov?’
‘Yes, yes, Pasinkov … where is he now?’
‘He is dead.’
‘Dead?’ repeated Sophia Nikolaevna; ‘what a pity!…’
‘Have I seen him?’ the little girl asked in a hurried whisper.
‘No, Lidia, you’ve never seen him. — What a pity!’ repeated Sophia
Nikolaevna.
‘You regret him …’ I began; ‘what if you had known him, as I knew him?… But, why did you speak of him, may I ask?’
‘Oh, I don’t know….’ (Sophia Nikolaevna dropped her eyes.) ‘Lidia,’ she added; ‘run away to your nurse.’
‘You’ll call me when I may come back?’ asked the little girl.
‘Yes.’
The little girl went away. Sophia Nikolaevna turned to me.
‘Tell me, please, all you know about Pasinkov.’ I began telling her his story. I sketched in brief words the whole life of my friend; tried, as far as I was able, to give an idea of his soul; described his last meeting with me and his end.
‘And a man like that,’ I cried, as I finished my story — ’has left us, unnoticed, almost unappreciated! But that’s no great loss. What is the use of man’s appreciation? What pains me, what wounds me, is that such a man, with such a loving and devoted heart, is dead without having once known the bliss of love returned, without having awakened interest in one woman’s heart worthy of him!… Such as I may well know nothing of such happiness; we don’t deserve it; but Pasinkov!… And yet haven’t I met thousands of men in my life, who could not compare with him in any respect, who were loved? Must one believe that some faults in a man — conceit, for instance, or frivolity — are essential to gain a woman’s devotion? Or does love fear perfection, the perfection possible on earth, as something strange and terrible?’
Sophia Nikolaevna heard me to the end, without taking her stern, searching eyes off me, without moving her lips; only her eyebrows contracted from time to time.
‘What makes you suppose,’ she observed after a brief silence, ‘that no woman ever loved your friend?’
Sophia Nikolaevna seemed about to say something, but she stopped. She seemed to be struggling with herself.
‘You are mistaken,’ she began at last; ‘I know a woman who loved your dead friend passionately; she loves him and remembers him to this day … and the news of his death will be a fearful blow for her.’
‘Who is this woman? may I know?’
‘My sister, Varia.’
‘Varvara Nikolaevna!’ I cried in amazement.
‘Yes.’
‘What? Varvara Nikolaevna?’ I repeated, ‘that…’
‘I will finish your sentence,’ Sophia Nikolaevna took me up; ‘that girl you thought so cold, so listless and indifferent, loved your friend; that is why she has never married and never will marry. Till this day no one has known of this but me; Varia would die before she would betray her secret. In our family we know how to suffer in silence.’
I looked long and intently at Sophia Nikolaevna, involuntarily pondering on the bitter significance of her last words.
‘You have surprised me,’ I observed at last. ‘But do you know, Sophia Nikolaevna, if I were not afraid of recalling disagreeable memories, I might surprise you too….’
‘I don’t understand you,’ she rejoined slowly, and with some embarrassment.
‘You certainly don’t understand me,’ I said, hastily getting up; ‘and so allow me, instead of verbal explanation, to send you something …’
‘But what is it?’ she inquired.
‘Don’t be alarmed, Sophia Nikolaevna, it’s nothing to do with me.’
I bowed, and went back to my room, took out the little silken bag I had taken off Pasinkov, and sent it to Sophia Nikolaevna with the following note —
‘This my friend wore always on his breast and died with it on him. In it is the only note you ever wrote him, quite insignificant in its contents; you can read it. He wore it because he loved you passionately; he confessed it to me only the day before his death. Now, when he is dead, why should you not know that his heart too was yours?’
Elisei returned quickly and brought me back the relic.
‘Well?’ I queried; ‘didn’t she send any message?’
Works of Ivan Turgenev (Illustrated) Page 136