by Ily Jacks
Declan doesn’t react to my melancholy. A man like him probably thinks I’m a whiny bitch for showing any sadness at all. My uncle was the same way. He hated tears and beat my aunt more when she cried. That’s why I trained myself to show nothing when he hit me. Eventually, he lost interest in me and focused his rage on other people.
I’ll pretend to feel nothing again if that’s the only way to stay with Declan. In fact, I’m willing to twist myself into whoever he needs me to be.
♂◈⊙◈♂
Declan leaves me and goes to talk to the cleaning lady. I hear her leave and then listen for him. When the apartment remains silent, I consider going to look for him. Instead, I remain in the guest room until Declan’s phone rings in the next room, and he says he’s on his way downstairs. Curious about his ex-wife, I leave the guest room and walk to where the front door remains open with only the metal security door to keep out the drizzling rain.
Down below, Declan’s petite brunette ex-wife looks nearly straight up to make eye contact with the biker. Nearby, a small, gray dog sniffs every inch of the alley. I step out onto the stairwell, feeling nosy about the woman who temporarily owned Declan’s heart. Or at the very least, shared his bed.
When I step outside, and the metal stairwell creaks under my weight, they look up simultaneously
“Is that Adam?” she asks.
Declan nods and gestures toward his ex. “This is Maura,” he says and then gestures at the greyhound dog running around the alley. “That’s Abbott.”
“Hello,” Maura says, smiling warmly up at me. “Did he do that to your face?”
Declan gives her a dirty look, and she laughs at his expression. I don’t know if I should answer since I suspect the question is mostly meant to needle him.
“Nice to meet you,” I say instead of talking about my bruised face.
Declan whistles for the dog and then tells me, “I’ll be up in a minute.”
Nodding, I step back into the apartment but don’t shut the door. Still curious, I squat so I might hear their conversation. At first, they only talk about Abbott and another dog named Costello. Then they say something about a soccer game that I assume is about one of their kids.
“Are you sure it’s safe to have him in your place when you’re not around?” Maura asks finally.
“What’s he going to do?”
“Steal all your stuff.”
“And then pawn it at Robbie’s Pawn Emporium?” They laugh at the inside joke, making me roll my eyes. “That would turn out great for him.”
“Yeah, but I worry. You’re soft in certain ways.”
“How about you keep quiet about your worries for now. Then if shit goes south, you can remind me how you told me so.”
“I’m keeping you to that.”
Declan whistles for the dog and I sense Maura is leaving. Scrambling back into the apartment, I nearly knock over a table. I regain my footing and hurry to the kitchen but forget to shut the door. Rolling my eyes at my stupidity, I attempt to look casual despite how I clearly was at the door moments ago.
The dog and Declan stop at the door after he closes it. I peer out to find him wiping her paws clean before she jumps on the couch and gets comfy.
“Hear anything interesting?” Declan asks me when our gazes meet.
“I shouldn’t pawn your stuff at Robbie’s Pawn Emporium.”
Giving me a half-smile, he nods. “Robbie’s one of my club brothers. He wouldn’t take kindly to someone fucking with me.”
“I’m not a thief. I know I tried to rob you last night, but that’s not something I normally do.”
“I figured you didn’t have much experience considering how shitty your attempt was.”
“Yeah, well, I hadn’t eaten all day, and was desperate, which isn’t really an excuse, but...”
Declan waves off my excuses. “You don’t need to explain. I can guess how you got to that point. If I thought you were a shifty fucker, I wouldn’t have you sleeping in the same bed my kids use when they visit.”
“It’s important for you to know I don’t steal from people.”
“Here’s the deal,” he says, walking away and into the kitchen where he pulls out a container of pasta from a brown paper bag. “You did things before we met. Maybe some of those things were fucked up, and you don’t feel too proud of them. I get it, but you need to deal with that shit on your time. As for me, you’re working with a clean deck. It’s not what you did before we met that matters, but what you do from now on. If you fucked up tomorrow or next week or in a year, that’s what I’ll judge you on. Get it?”
“People say that, but they don’t mean it.”
Declan sits down at the table and takes a large bite of lasagna. Chewing quickly, he wipes his mouth with a napkin and gestures for me to get my food. I take a matching container with lasagna and join him at the table. My appetite isn’t great today, though I’d have done nearly anything for this food yesterday.
“People lie, and I lie,” Declan says. “Lying is a necessary, and often helpful, part of life. But here’s the shit, kid, and listen close because you look ready to bawl your pretty fucking eyes out, and I don’t know how much you’re listening.”
“I’m listening.”
“I’m not a compulsive liar. When I lie to you, it’ll be for a good reason. So when you wonder if I’m lying, ask if the lie helps me in some important way. If it doesn’t, then I’m not fucking lying since I don’t tell fibs just for kicks.”
“I’m not going to cry,” I mutter, bothered by him thinking I’m pathetic, even if I’ve never shown him anything else.
“Good.”
“I’m not a weak person if that’s what you think.”
“I don’t think much of anything about you yet. We just met.”
“Well, you think I’m a bad thief, and I have pretty eyes. That’s something.”
I catch a smirk appear on Declan’s lips just before he forks another bite of lasagna into his mouth. What he hides still shines in his dark eyes, and I can’t help smiling too. The guy has an infectious mood. Clearly relaxed, Declan eats in silence and occasionally lets his gaze study my face. I’m not so coy about checking him out. My interest must seem overbearing, but I can’t take my eyes off his ruggedly handsome face.
The depressing gloom returns as soon as he walks out of the door to return to work. I mention my shoes are dry and ask to come along. Declan brushes off the offer and tells me to rest.
Before he disappears out the door and leaves me to mope through the afternoon, he casually promises to wear me out once my bruises are healed. While he likely means working me hard at the restaurant, my mind imagines other, more exciting, activities. For some reason, I suspect his mind goes there too, and that’s where I hope it stays.
4
♂◈ Declan ◈♂
Getting Munchkin Meatballs ready to open at eleven, I can’t stop thinking about the banged-up beauty upstairs. Mostly, I keep wishing I hadn’t kissed Adam last night.
I’m not an impulsive man. That’s why I got called “Machine” by my club. Every day, I do the same thing, over and over, without complaining or expecting anything more.
I kissed Adam, though, and I can’t undo that move. I’d wanted to taste him and know how he’d react. While he proved more surprised than interested, Adam now watches me like a love-struck fool.
Worse is he comes from a lifestyle where his looks mattered more than his personality. I went ahead and fed into that same kind of thinking. When I was his age, my appearance scared people. Too big to disappear into the crowd, I loomed over everyone, and people kept their distance. Then Shiv Smithy came along and saw the use in my size. Though the older man helped me out, he also expected me to be the terrifying guy who had his back.
Now Adam thinks I expect something from him. Fucking basically. If I had any self-control, we’d have time to find our way to kissing. Maybe, if he wanted. Instead, Adam’s mind remains focused on my sexual interest in him.
Maura does
n’t help when I talk to her that morning. Her mind is just as focused on romance.
“Is he cute?” she asks as soon as I tell her I invited a guy to crash at my apartment.
“I don’t gossip.”
“I’m taking that as a yes.”
“Take it however you want.”
“Does he think you’re cute?” she asks, nearly giggling at the thought.
“Why is that funny?”
“It’s not. I’m excited at the thought of my lonely ex-husband finally getting a boyfriend.”
“He’s staying in the guest room.”
“For now.”
“Why do I tell you anything?”
“Who else are you going to tell? It’s not like any of your club brothers want to talk about your love life unless it involves pussy.”
“You’re not wrong,” I mutter.
“So when can I meet him?”
That’s when I knew I ought to get the introduction over with, and I’m just relieved Maura didn’t run upstairs to ask him a million questions.
Once she leaves, I’m left with Adam who won’t stop looking at me like I’ve broken his damn heart.
I have no decent explanation for kissing him and setting the mood where he feels indebted to me.
Even with his patchy beard and exhausted face, Adam was gorgeous. I have never craved a man like this before. My inexperience is hard to explain to a man at least ten years my junior. I don’t know what words will fix what my kiss wrecked.
5
♂◈ Adam ◈♂
Declan returns to the apartment later than I expect. Bored out of my mind by the time he shows up, I’m like Abbott wagging my tail in excitement to see him. He walks past us both with only a vague head nod. Abbott follows Declan into the kitchen. Even feeling foolish, I do the same. I’ve spent hours desperate to see him again. No way am I letting my pride get in the way of being as close as possible to this elusive man.
“I brought food for dinner,” he says, glancing back at me before dropping a spoonful of something into Abbott’s bowl. “I plan to eat in the living room like usual. You can join me to watch the game or eat in here. It’s up to you.”
I take the plate he hands to me. I don’t even consider eating alone when I’ve already spent 99% of my day feeling lonely.
We head to the living room where he sets his plate on a small table next to a black La-Z-Boy. Declan turns on the big screen TV and flips to a basketball game. Though I’ve never been huge into sports, I don’t hate watching either. Mostly, I enjoy admiring the attractive players. Tonight, none of them drags my focus away from Declan.
After we eat silently watching the game, Declan washes his dish and returns to the chair. I swear he’s purposely ignoring me. He leaves during a commercial to use the bathroom and returns without saying a single word. I’m completely invisible to him.
I guess this is how Declan lives his life. Nights alone with only the dog to keep him company. Realistically, I understand how he’d stick to his routine even with me here.
During another commercial, Declan leans back in the chair and finally acknowledges me.
“I’ll front you cash to get supplies. There are stores walking distance from here. Think you’ll be healed up enough tomorrow to walk over?”
“Sure.”
“There’s a Goodwill store a couple blocks over where you can get clothes that’ll fit you better. Later, you can get nicer shit. For now, you need crap that doesn’t hang off you.”
“When can I help you out at work?”
“You sound too excited for such a crap job.”
“I get restless in the apartment.”
Declan stares at me for a bit too long, and I wonder if I’ve said something wrong. Finally, he looks away and focuses on the TV.
“If you’re serious about getting your GED, soon you’ll be busy with school work. That’ll distract you plenty.”
“I am serious.”
“That’s good. Even though nothing you learn in high school will help you later in life, people still expect you to go through the motions to get a piece of paper.”
“Do you tell that to your kids?”
Declan frowns but never looks at me. “They plan to go to college to get degrees. That means they’ll need one piece of paper to get another piece of paper, so they can then find better-paying jobs.”
“If your kids stay over, where will I sleep?” I ask when we’re quiet for too long.
“They rarely sleep here anymore. Maura and the kids live five minutes from here, so they can spend the day here without bunking at my apartment. With them getting older, they don’t want to share a bed anyway. I thought about getting a bigger place, but I doubt they’d visit more than they do now.”
“What are your kids like?”
“I’m not in the mood to talk about my kids right now, Adam.”
“How come?”
Declan startles me by standing up. He moves with such speed and ease that defies his size. Before I react, he grips my throat with one hand while his other one holds the back of the couch. When his lips collide with mine, I’m ready for his hunger.
My mouth allows his probing tongue to taste me deeper. My hands stroke his thick beard, craving him closer. Declan tastes of beer and I feel intoxicated from the kiss. When his lips leave mine, my head remains woozy even while craving more.
Declan sits on the couch next to me and stares at the TV. I adjust my painfully hard cock hiding under my sweats. Declan’s jeans bulge too. Imagining his hot flesh in my hand, I struggle against a violent shiver.
“Listen,” he says without looking at me, “you’ve got your engine revving about helping out at the restaurant. I appreciate you not wanting to sit on your ass all day, but you need to understand the setup I have with my club president, Shiv.”
Declan finally turns to look at me, and my gaze takes in the sight of him running his tongue over his bottom lip.
“Shiv doesn’t expect me to pretend to date women. I did the marriage thing already. But he also doesn’t want to know my personal life. It’s a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ thing. If you want to hang around the restaurant, you’re bound to meet Shiv and the other guys.”
Declan shifts away from me and adds, “You need to understand you are staying here because I feel sorry for you and want to help you out in the way Shiv helped me. Nothing more.”
“I can lie to other people, but I don’t want to lie to you.”
“That’s fine, but you need to understand I have a solid life that I worked hard to create. I’m in a good place. I don’t regret bringing you here, but I can’t chance to lose what I’ve built.”
Declan’s words sound relaxed, but I hear the threat in them. If I make his friends uncomfortable with the secret they’re all in on; I’m gone. They’re irreplaceable while I’m not.
“I understand,” I say and reach out to caress his jaw.
Despite his casual facade, Declan immediately leans over so our lips can meet again. I inhale his rich scent and suck at his tongue. One of my hands caresses his jaw while the other reaches for my painful erection. Declan deepens the kiss, consuming me. I already imagine us in his bed. Then his hand slides along my chest, and I instinctively grimace in pain.
Sitting back quickly, he runs a hand through his thick dark hair and exhales deeply. “I can get you hardcore pain meds if you need them,” he says, standing up and walking to his chair.
Feeling suddenly very alone with him only feet away, I mutter, “No, thanks. I’m fine.”
Declan nods, refusing to look at me. I rest my head back on the couch and try to still my raging heartbeat. I’ve spent my life wanting someone to trust. Now here’s a man with everything I want, yet pushes me away when he isn’t kissing me. I don’t know what to think or feel.
Of course, Declan doesn’t look happy either. His lust fights against the expectations of others. I’ve always been out. My uncle told everyone I was gay before I’d even admitted it to myself. He see
med proud, but I realized later, he was looking to pimp me out even back then.
Declan hides his urges because that’s how he survives in his life with men like Shiv. I wish I could tell him to flip off everyone and their expectations. He should just live his life the way he wants. Be loud and proud! Except I’m not the one with anything to lose. The men in the club aren’t my friends. I can’t even imagine having a kid. Who knows if his ex is cool with Declan’s real desires? He hides because he has everything to lose while I have nothing worth holding onto besides him.
For Declan, I’ll be careful with what I say and do. Lying comes easily for me anyway, and I’ve done it for lesser reasons than to protect a man as captivating as him.
♂◈⊙◈♂
Sleep is the last thing on my mind when I crawl into bed after the basketball game. Declan doesn’t kiss me again. He doesn’t even really look at me for the rest of the night. I feel him thinking of me, though. A few times, I even catch him caressing his lips with his thumb. Declan has me on his mind but chooses to deal with his lust alone.
I consider going to his room and throwing myself at him. I have nothing to offer him besides my body, and I know he craves that part of me. How strong will Declan’s resolve be when faced with me naked in his bed?
Chickening out, I’m afraid he’ll reject me. Or even kick me out of his place and life. I wish I could lie to myself and pretend he’s too hot for me to walk away. Except I’ve only survived this long by rarely letting my brain lie to my heart.
So I stay in bed and use my hand to deal with my lust. It takes two rounds for me to relax enough to sleep. After the first one, I can’t stop imagining my lips on Declan’s cock. Based on the budge in his pants, he’s sporting a few inches more than me. Every time I close my eyes, my thoughts zero in on the man down the hall.
I feel him on my skin until I come the second time. Finally shaking free of my lust long enough to doze off, I dream of Declan riding his Harley away from me. I chase after him, but he never looks back. While I watch him disappear, I find myself wishing we never met. That way, I’d never know what I was losing.