What Si had given me was hope.
Seeing that tattoo on his back, however, brought me back to earth with a resounding thud. He wasn’t Joe. And he was missing his brother just as much as I was. What I had done, in fact, was take advantage of Si’s grief. And seeing that inked tribute was like a bolt of electricity straight to my heart.
The guilt was back.
Of course, Si had seen my reaction, heard me crying in the bathroom, and presumed I was repulsed at myself for having sex with him. He was so wrong. I was angry with myself. I had no right to do what I did.
The one thing I couldn’t deny, however, was that when he was making love to me, I wasn’t fantasising about Joe as I had expected I would—or worse still—as I had intended to. When I looked up into those azure blue irises, it was very much Si and me making that connection. I was so present in the moment with him that I forgot about Joe and how he had made me feel. Instead, it was Si touching and kissing me. Si making me moan and bringing me to climax.
Again, however, once it was over, I was struck with an immense guilt for the whole thing. How the hell could I have attempted to replace Joe with his brother so easily? What kind of bitch was I? A renewed hate for myself was building, and when you added that to the way I had taken advantage of Si’s alcohol-fuelled lust and the old crush he’d had on me as a kid, it made me some kind of black widow predator.
I really wasn’t nice to be around.
Once he had left, I stood there for what seemed ages. And the more I thought about it, the angrier I got. Not only at myself, but at Si too. His reaction to what we’d done hadn’t exactly been a pleasant one. Slapping himself in the head and apologising to Joe’s ghost repeatedly wasn’t what I had expected. He also could see it had been a mistake. But why did that hurt me so much?
After standing there in a trance, I grabbed my mobile. I was going to message and demand he came back so we could deal with this like the human, mistake-making adults we were. Only I stared blankly at my phone as it dawned on me that the only way I could contact him would be to ring his parents or Nick. And for obvious reasons, I couldn’t and wouldn’t do either.
So, basically, I was stuck in my own little version of hell, reluctantly replaying the images and sensations in my mind that Si had created throughout my traitorous body.
Chapter 10
Si
*
There was the risk she wouldn’t be home, but there was a greater risk she may not let me in if she was. But I knew I had to at least try seeing as I had neglected to ask for her number after I’d slept with her and abandoned her. I had treated her like a quick shag. How much more disrespectful could I have been?
So, on the day following my first visit to Allie’s and only a few hours after being told off by the biggest womaniser the rock world had ever known, I was back on the doorstep of the little countryside cottage.
I knocked on the door and waited… and waited. Her car was by the house so she was either in the shower or she was ignoring me.
I closed my eyes and shook my head as I crouched to the letterbox and flipped it open. I couldn’t hear the sound of water running but I did hear someone shuffling around.
She was avoiding me.
“Allie. Allie, I’m guessing you’re in there and that you just don’t want to talk to me. I can understand that after the way I behaved yesterday. And the things I said.� I peered around me to check no one was watching me talking through the letterbox. Seeing the coast was clear, I continued. “I wanted to say I’m sorry. Not… not for sleeping with you. I know you may be sorry about that part, but for me… for me it was amazing. Y-you were amazing. But I wanted to say sorry for hurting you. For leaving and not talking things through. It was cowardly and I’m truly sorry. But you were right… about what Joe said about my feelings for you. I thought I’d hidden it well.� I remembered what Chris said. “Clearly, I didn’t hide it as well as I thought. Anyway, it’s out there now, but I want you to know I never meant to hurt you. You mean far too much to me for that.� No reply came and I realised my actions were futile. I had a sinking feeling inside and I fought to keep my emotions in check. “Anyway, I’ll go. Take care of yourself, Allie, and please… please don’t blame yourself. You were emotional and I… I took advantage of that. I’m to blame. I let my feelings get in the way and it was stupid. I need to ask one more thing. Please don’t let what happened last night ruin things between you and my folks. I would hate that. They love you. Remember that, okay?�
I stood and turned towards the car, ready to leave, when the door opened behind me. My heart tripped over itself and I swung around to find Allie standing there.
Her eyes were bloodshot and ringed with red. “I think you’d better come in, Si.�
Chapter 11
Si
*
I nodded to George and Steve and the car pulled away, leaving me on Allie’s doorstep once more. I slipped my hands into my pockets and stepped inside the cottage again, only this time I was nervous for a whole different reason.
I cleared my throat and asked the most ridiculous question. “Are you okay?�
She shrugged. “Do I look okay?�
“Look, Allie—�
“Can I get you a coffee? Tea? Are you hungry?�
I stepped towards her and placed my hand on her arm. “Stop, okay? Let’s just sit and talk. I think we need to clear the air.�
She nodded and moved over to the same sofa she had sat on the day before. I followed suit and sat opposite her again, lowering my gaze, unable to deal with the hurt in her eyes. In one way, it felt like we were starting over again, but deep down, I knew we couldn’t.
“What did you want to say?� she whispered.
I lifted my face and locked my gaze on hers. “I want to say I’m a prick. And I’m sorry for being that way. I hate that I made you cry, Allie. I wouldn’t hurt you for the world. I hope you know that.�
She smiled. “We’re not the best communicators, are we, you and I? And you’re not a prick. I was just shocked. Seeing that tattoo with his name on was just a little overwhelming. Poor timing, I guess. I think I may have overreacted, but then again, alcohol played its part. When I came out of the bathroom and you were hitting yourself in the head, I realised you regretted what happened and then you left. I felt cheap. And foolish.� She shrugged.
This was a shock to hear. “Cheap? Foolish? Fuck, no!� I shook my head and stood to join her on the other sofa. Once seated, I took her hand in mine. “You’re misunderstanding everything. Allie, I’ve liked you since I was sixteen years old. But you belonged to Joe and I was a kid so I presumed back then that I’d just grow out of it. I was realistic. Like you said yesterday, kids get crushes and then they fade away. I knew that. But you were so… vibrant. So beautiful, and you had no idea just how stunning you were.� I smoothed my thumb over the soft skin of her hand. “The guilt was horrendous. I almost confessed to Joe on so many occasions, but I was terrified I’d lose him if he knew. Turns out he knew all along. Turns out everyone knew.� She remained silent and so I continued. “When you left to go to London, I thought I’d finally get over you. I was eighteen but still a kid really, and I presumed out of sight meant out of mind and all that, but… it didn’t happen. When he died, not only was I riddled with guilt about not being there, but I was carrying the guilt around about the attraction I’d had to you for all that time. I tried so hard to switch it off. When I got to university and then when I joined the band, I slept around. I’m not proud of it. But I felt sure I could get you out of my system that way. And anyway, I thought you hated me for Joe’s death. B
ut then I spoke to my folks and they said you’d been carrying guilt around too. I couldn’t believe it. I had to come and see you. To let you know that I didn’t blame you. But I never expected us to end up… I just never expected it, Allie. And I’m sorry it was so horrible for you. I didn’t mean to take advantage like that.� I reached up and stroked her face, hoping the depth of my sincerity was evident.
She shook her head and sighed. “You didn’t take advantage, Si. I distinctly remember asking you to make love to me, not the other way around.�
I shook my head. “But I should’ve said no.�
She shrugged. “Why? Why should you have said no?�
“Because… Joe. I’m his brother, you’re his fiancée.�
She gritted her teeth. “Was his fiancée. Was. He’s gone, Si, and he isn’t coming back. And as much I hate that fact, as much as I wish it wasn’t true, it is. Am I supposed to remain celibate forever now? To never have sex again?� I didn’t know how to answer that. “I’ve been grieving for so long that I’ve forgotten how to live. I’ve forgotten what it feels like to have a man want me so desperately. Yesterday, with you… I felt cherished again. It’s been such a long time since I’ve felt that. I felt safe with you. I felt desired. It was so good to feel that way again. To just forget…�
I furrowed my brow. “So… so you weren’t disgusted about what we’d done when you were locked in the bathroom?�
She smiled briefly. “Far from it.�
I let out a relieved sigh. “That’s… that’s good.�
“But it can’t happen again, Si.� Her words cut like a knife but I don’t know what I expected.
I dropped my gaze again. “I understand. I’m just not Joe.�
She lifted my chin and forced me to look at her. “Simeon, stop that. It’s got nothing to do with you not being Joe. You’re you, and that’s a good thing. You don’t have to live your life forever in the shadow of a ghost.� She closed her eyes and let go of my chin. “But anyway… I’m not looking for another Joe. I’m not really looking for another relationship. It’s too painful to lose someone and I can’t let myself go through that again. Sex is one thing but love…�
“Just because you lost Joe doesn’t mean you’ll lose everyone. You can’t go through life fearing that. You’re too young to give up on love and I think you know that really. You said you’d forgotten how to live, but it sounds like you’re afraid to let yourself.�
She stood and paced around but didn’t make eye contact. “I know it doesn’t make sense to you, Si. But… this… us… we wouldn’t work. You’d be on tour and I’d be at home hoping you came back alive. Hoping you too hadn’t made a stupid decision. And that’s just too much to deal with.� She ran her hands through her hair. “And anyway, we had sex once. That doesn’t mean…�
Ah. I smiled without a shred of happiness. “That doesn’t mean we have a future, I get it.�
“I’m sorry, Si, but it doesn’t. How can it?�
Regret at allowing myself to appear so vulnerable knotted my insides and I stood to face her. “I’m not stupid, Allie. I may not always act like it, but I’m an adult. I know the difference between sex and love. The two aren’t mutually exclusive. And I didn’t expect you to fall head over heels in love with me after one fucking shag.� Harsh, Si. Harsh.
She raised her arms and let them fall heavily. “But what did you expect? The sex was great… really great. But I can’t give you anything else.�
I shrugged and shook my head. “I have no idea what I expected! I didn’t expect we’d have sex in the first place so how the hell should I know what to say?� I was beginning to wish I hadn’t returned to see her. The last thing I wanted was to argue and end up making things worse. “I think I should go. This isn’t helping either of us.�
“No, don’t leave. Stay a little longer. We can sort this out, I know we can.�
“But if I stay, it won’t make a difference. Things will still be strange. We crossed a line and I don’t know how we come back from that. But now I’ve made love to you and I know what that feels like, I can’t forget that feeling, Allie. And I don’t want to. But I think I maybe need time to try and get back to where we were before. Just friends. No strings. No complications.�
Her lip trembled. “But if you leave now, that’ll be it. I know you’ll feel awkward around me and you won’t want to see me again. And I’ve only just reconnected with you. I don’t want to lose that. You do mean a lot to me. You always have.�
Sadness descended over me. “I don’t want to lose it either. But maybe we should have thought about that before we had sex. Sex complicates everything. Especially when one party wants more.� I watched as tears escaped the corners of her eyes and I stepped closer to kiss her forehead. “Let yourself fall in love again someday, Allie. Otherwise I’m not the only one living in the shadow of a ghost.�
And with that, I left.
Chapter 12
Si
*
The journey back to my parents’ house later that same day afforded me far too much time to think. I tried to eradicate the images in my mind of Allie naked beneath me by listening to music through my earbuds. But every song seemed to taunt me. When it came to “From Where You Are� by Lifehouse, the lyrics seeped deep into my heart and all at once reminded me of happy times I had spent with Allie and Joe over the years. The way I had loved her from afar but been so happy for Joe at the same time. Knowing now that Joe had known how I felt and had still included me in their lives made me love him even more. I thought back to the smiles on the photographs Allie and I had looked at; ones that had brought back so many memories, and although they were difficult to see, they were harder to let go.
The lyrics made my eyes sting and a painful lump of emotion lodged in my throat. I was sad before, but that sadness had been compounded during a visit that was supposed to heal wounds and repair friendships. That one passionate time Allie and I had shared was beautiful, but how could something so good have ruined everything? I tugged the earbuds out and threw them aside.
I had to formulate a plan of what I could say to my mum and dad so they wouldn’t suspect anything. I hated lying. But this would be more like a lie by omission, which I justified in my mind as being acceptable on this occasion. What the hell would they think of me if they knew the truth? God, they’d be so disappointed, and I couldn’t cope with that.
I spoke to Chris when we were almost back home and the news wasn’t great. “Nick needs a bit longer. Den’s pissed off but I think we should give him the time, Si. He’s the backbone of our crew. I for one want him back on board with his head on straight. So, sit tight and we’ll be back on the road soon, okay?�
I sighed heavily. I just wanted to be busy again. “Yeah. Sure, Chris. Whatever Nick needs.�
“How are things with you and Allie? Did you sort it all out?� I sensed the hope in his voice.
“Not exactly. But give it time.�
“Are you okay, mate? Your heart still intact?�
I laughed. “Oh, yeah. Intact like a mosaic. The cracks are visible but it still functions. Barely.�
“Wow. Deep. Take care, okay? Speak to you soon.�
The call ended as we pulled through a crowd of paparazzi waiting at the edge of my folks’ driveway.
As Steve walked me up to the front door, I was greeted by two further guards who had been placed there for our protection. Clearly the reporters had nothing better to do with their time than to harass someone as boring as me and as ordinary as my family. They’d no doubt be going through our rubbish bins if they could get access.
Some of the reporters shouted out at me, blatantly ignoring the fact I was wearing shades—which I presumed they would take as an indication I wasn’t in a talking mood.
“Si! Over here, mate!�
“Si, are you gonna pose for a piccy?
“Si! Is it true Sonic Idols are going back on the road next week?�
I laughed and made an exception to the silence I usually kept. “You seem to know more about that than I do.� A rumble of excitement travelled the crowd, who had clearly taken my ambiguous answer as affirmative. I couldn’t be arsed to correct them. The truth was I had no clue when we’d be back on the road again.
Life back at my folks’ slowly returned to normal. Whatever normal is. We ate family meals together, played Scrabble, and watched movies. It felt a little like old times and there was some comfort in that. However, boredom was setting in and I was checking my phone so frequently that my mum began to get suspicious.
“Are you that fed up of our company, Simeon?�
I glanced up from the little screen in my hand. “Huh? Sorry, what did you say, Mum?�
“You do nothing but check that thing every five minutes. Are you bored of me and your dad already?�
In His Place: Sonic Idols Book #2 Page 7