by Jea Hawkins
“Let’s get this party started,” Gabe said, drawing their attention to her. She was standing in the doorway between the kitchen and the sunroom, gesturing toward the backyard. “After all, we’ve got a bonfire waiting and a fire witch ready to lead us in the ritual.”
Fiona dipped her head, a blush making her cheeks rosy. “I don’t know how well I’ll do.”
“You’ll do fine.” Emma gave her a gentle push in the direction of the back door. “Get going, lady. Your witches await.”
They filed outside and down into Gabe and Fiona’s yard, where the fire pit already had a flickering bonfire. It created a circle of warmth and light, the heat rivaling that of the summer night. When they were all standing in the directions they usually claimed, Fiona bowed her head and took a deep breath.
As much as Emma enjoyed leading rituals, it was nice to pass off the responsibility to someone else for a change. With summer Sabbats being fire holidays, she was glad to let Fiona handle it. The redhead had done it back when they were in high school, but after that, she spent the years from college to adulthood traveling around the world. That left Emma to handle organizing and leading every ritual, like the earth witch she was.
Emma had never considered herself a high priestess. That was a distinction her mother carried, but had never conveyed to her. Then again, Emma had never asked. She simply took it for granted that her family tradition of witchcraft didn’t require titles. Still, maybe it was time she discussed it with her mother, now that she was well.
Fiona led the circle admirably and each covener brought up a cutting from a plant Emma had provided. They spoke of what they had accomplished so far in the year and the goals they would continue to strive for. Gratitude and completion were the themes of the ritual. After that, each small cutting was tossed into the bonfire, sending their wishes and dreams into the universe.
When they were in the house again, dishes clattered as they dug into the potluck meal. There was laughter and lively conversation as they brought their food into the dining room and sat around the table.
“It really is great to be all together,” Waverly said with a little sigh.
“Oh no, here she goes again.” Avery nudged her sister and shook her head. “Don’t wax poetic on us, sis. You already said once how wonderful all of this is. Stop harping on it. Let’s move forward and enjoy the night.”
“Yeah, but what about Emma and Crystal?”
Emma and Crystal exchanged glances. “What about us? We’re enjoying the night, just like everyone else,” Crystal said, her eyes wide.
Emma knew that expression all too well and she rested her hand on her girlfriend’s leg. One of her favorite qualities about Crystal was how scrappy she was, but it did not bode well for anyone else when that feistiness was directed at them. Whatever Crystal was feeling from Waverly, it set her on edge. Crystal’s body was rigid next to Emma’s.
“Well, you’ve been together for a while,” Waverly pointed out. “What has it been – seven years now? And you’ve survived some pretty major things, like Emma’s mom having cancer and then your relationship being on the rocks.”
“Holy shit, Wave.” Avery squeezed her shoulder, a warning gesture that everyone around the table could see.
“No, seriously, they’re the strongest couple, don’t you think?” It seemed Waverly wasn’t about to be deterred from her inquiries because she batted her sister’s hand away and glared at her. Then she turned back to Emma and Crystal. “So after going through all of that, when are you going to make it legal?”
The idea hadn’t entered Emma’s mind in a while. Goodness knew Crystal hadn’t given any indication of wanting them legally bound in any way, except for a few discussions they had when they were a little younger. As far as they were concerned, their love was enough at this point.
But…
Emma looked at her girlfriend. What if she wanted it after all? Just because they hadn’t discussed it lately didn’t mean it wasn’t something Crystal wanted. A wedding wasn’t such a bad thing.
Crystal, however, looked pale. Without a word, she set down her utensils and pushed away from the table. As soon as she left the room, Emma glanced around the table. Waverly looked frustrated and pained, but Avery, Fiona, and Gabe were looking at her expectantly.
“Excuse me.” Emma rose and followed her girlfriend’s path outside. Crystal hadn’t gone far. She was leaning against their pick-up truck, looking up at the sky, her blonde curls shade silvery in the glow of the porch light.
“What a stupid thing to ask,” Crystal muttered. “Wasn’t it stupid, Em? Imagine, anyone wanting me, permanently and forever. My own parents didn’t want me. After all, if they had, wouldn’t they have found a way to not screw up? To not have me taken away from them? Or how about my foster parents? None of them wanted me, either. Just the money they got from the state for having another mouth to feed. High school was the worst. When they found out I was a lesbo, they wanted me gone. And then I went and proved to you that I pretty much suck as a person.”
Emma reached out and ran her hand over Crystal’s hair. The waves felt soft under her palm. “Crystal, you know how I feel about you and I certainly don’t think you suck.”
“Don’t I?” Her eyes looked watery with tears. “No one else wanted me, so why should you, especially since I screwed up so badly?”
“Stop that,” Emma admonished. “We put that behind us, remember?”
“Did we?” Crystal’s shoulders shook as the tears finally fell down her face. “I don’t know. After all, we ran into Madison at the club. Maybe the universe was trying to tell us something. Maybe it was telling us this isn’t over yet.”
Emma stepped in front of Crystal to face her and gripped her shoulders. “Yes, this whole thing with you beating yourself up and us not sure if we would see another year together is over, Crystal. We’ve come a long way since our trip to Arizona. So what if something drove us apart and left us wondering what was going to happen next? The point is, our paths converged again and we’re back together.”
“But marriage?” In a voice thick with misery, Crystal said, “They can’t be serious.”
“And why can’t they? We used to discuss marriage. I think the only reason we stopped was because we got sidetracked by life. Marriage can be important to people. It’s the end goal for some couples, but just because you and I haven’t talked about it lately doesn’t mean it’s off the table. At first, we took it for granted that it just wasn’t possible for us to get married, and then the laws changed and we decided we didn’t need it. But do we want it? Because if you want it, I’m more than willing to give it to you.”
“That’s it? That’s your answer?” Crystal scrubbed her hands over her face and sniffled.
Emma realized her reaction had been more pragmatic than romantic, but there was no taking it back now. “What I need to know is what you want, Crys. This is a mutual decision, one I’m very happy to make with you.”
“What I want is for us to be happy together. Beyond that, I never really considered other possibilities.”
It felt like they were going around in circles and Emma leaned in to wrap her arms around Crystal. Holding her close, her taller body sheltering her girlfriend’s, Emma wondered if they would ever figure out their relationship. Instead of answers, there were more questions now.
“I’m going to tell you what I want, then, because that’s all either of us has to go on,” Emma said softly. “I want to spend the rest of my life with the woman who is here in my arms. Yes, I choose you, preferably forever.”
“Really?” Crystal let out another sniffle that made her entire body quiver.
Emma only hugged her tighter and nodded. “Really. Anyone else who didn’t want you was a fool. I love you and I know how much I need you. You make my life interesting. Do you know how boring it would be with another person? The odds of me finding someone smart and scrappy, not to mention beautiful inside and out, are very low in a place like this.”
“Smart. Me. Right.”
“Yes, you are smart. You’re smart enough to know that people liked something you did and to give them more of it.”
She felt Crystal pull slightly away from her. “The music video?”
“Mmhm. When you and Lark decided to drop an album and some videos to go along with it, that was a genius idea. You’ve been selling out of CDs and that’s amazing. I don’t know what your MP3 sales look like, but I’m confident they’re way beyond our projections.”
“Oh, no.” Crystal clung to Emma’s shoulders and squeezed her eyes shut. “I haven’t even thought to check those lately. We’ve been so busy, what with me handling the store most days and you cultivating the new garden.”
“Then I have an idea. Let’s get in there, finish our dinner with the girls, and go home and look at the numbers.” Emma pressed a light kiss to Crystal’s pouting lips and then touched the end of her nose. “And cheer up, for goodness sake. Marriage might not be something we thought we could have seven years ago, but maybe it’s time to change our thinking.”
Chapter 24
Even though Emma liked the rose bush in the lot, she knew it was time to plant something meaningful from her to Crystal. She wanted something planted with love and intention, somewhere opposite the wild roses, to show how their love had changed.
“What about these?” She pointed at a bush that was the same cultivar as the one she had found at their previous house, but with different color flowers.
But her mother shook her head. “I think they’re lovely, but do you really want to take a step back? If you want to show evolution in your relationship, why not something that’s not a rose?”
Maeve Hanson’s shoulder-length dark hair was pulled back in a loose bun and she wore a long, flowing blue floral dress. Her hair had grown back in well after everything she had been through, but Emma still missed the way her mother used to look – rosy and healthy, with the same full figure Emma had inherited. Now she was a slight, fragile woman. At least she was working on regaining her weight.
Emma’s mother was her favorite shopping partner when it came to making a trip to the nursery. No one was more knowledgeable about plants than Maeve. Of course, she had taught Emma everything she knew and Emma valued her advice.
“You’re right. I want something to represent us now, but maybe roses don’t need to be it. The red roses on the wild bush are beautiful and finding them meant a lot to me, but I feel like I need to do something myself. Give something to our new garden that symbolizes our love.”
“Why do you need to put anything there at all, when the goddess already did it for you?”
Emma grimaced and dropped her hand from the pale pink petals she had been caressing. “I want to show Crystal how much I love her. She’s been very worried about it lately.” She left her explanation at that. Her mother didn’t need to know all the sensitive details.
“Does this have to do with what she did while I was sick?” Maeve turned and picked up a rain catcher to look at it.
“Mother,” Emma said with a gasp and then bit her lip. Of all the people she’d tried to hide Crystal’s infidelity from, her mother was the one she had really been worried about. Maeve had enough worries with keeping up with doctor’s orders and getting her health back.
“Don’t worry. I figured it out easily enough on my own. It was pretty obvious she was feeling guilty. You stopped bringing her around with you, so she must have confessed to you. I’m the same way, you know. When someone wrongs me, I just shut them out. It’s the one flaw I’ve never been able to work through.”
Bowing her head, Emma looked for something else to focus on as she thought about what her mother had said. She finally pressed her palm into the soil of another rose bush and took at least some comfort in the cool, moist dirt beneath her fingertips.
“Don’t feel bad that I know. I adore Crystal and I know very much that every relationship has its ups and downs. It’s the downs that remind us we’re only human.” Her mother picked up a different rain gauge and handed it to Emma. “I think this will look lovely in your new garden. What do you think?”
Emma accepted the glass vial attached to a sturdy metal spike to stick it into the ground. “It’s pretty,” she said, tracing her finger along the dragonfly that adorned the top of it. Thanks.” She placed it in her shopping basket and glanced around the store.
“Have you considered planting red tulips, instead of roses?” her mother asked.
“Neither of us really care for them. It just doesn’t seem like the right flower for us.” Emma glanced around the nursery and realized nothing there seemed right. Maybe planting another flower wasn’t the answer. Her mother was right about the existing rose bush. Still, Emma wanted to do something for Crystal, something to express her love. And as far as being an earth witch was concerned, that expression came in the form of giving her something living that they could nurture together.
Her mother remained silent, picking up various items, looking at them, and placing them back on the shelves. That calm quality she radiated was one Emma had always envied. She thought she would have it someday. It was something she’d tried to imitate over the years, but that kind of serenity couldn’t be imitated, she realized.
“How do you do it?” she finally asked. “I mean, you claim to have flaws, but I never see them. So how do you do it?”
“What’s that?”
Emma waved her hand up and down in front of her mother. “This. You’ve just been through treatment for cancer, finally getting back your health, and yet you’re still so…”
Her mother laughed, a rich sound that Emma also envied. Maeve was pureblooded Irish, with parents who had emigrated from the country in the mid-1920s. She was the seventh and last of their children, born after her own mother thought there would be no others. Like her siblings, she had received the benefit of learning her mother’s magick, and then passed it on to Emma. Emma knew her cousins all had various levels of practice, from not bothering at all to using magick every day, like she did.
Even more fortunate was the fact that her father was not only okay with this, but that he came from a similar family, except he had not inherited any talent himself. “That’s okay, though,” he would say when Emma was younger. “Your mother has enough magick for the both of us.”
It was too bad the magick hadn’t kept away such human ailments as cancer, but Emma felt pride surge through her at seeing her mother standing straight and strong again. She remained her role model in life, the person she admired most, besides Crystal.
“Life happens,” her mother said. “The sooner we accept what’s out of our control, the better off we are. It’s when we try to push against the tide that we are either swept away or shoved even further away from where we first began.”
“Great. So you’re answering me in metaphors.” Emma looked at the small basket of items and let her shoulders droop. “I get it – with cancer you couldn’t do anything but trust the doctors and the medical process. It’s beyond our control, no matter what.”
“Yes and, as much as I hate to compare a relationship to cancer, it’s like that with love, if you think about it. We can’t control other people or their actions, so accepting that is usually for the best.”
They rounded the corner and strolled along the next aisle. “I can’t wait to hear how you came to that conclusion,” Emma said. “Especially since my relationship was very close to ending on a do-not-resuscitate order.”
“It didn’t, though, because you followed the path that brought you to healing. Not every couple gets that chance.”
“True. But I wish we knew where we were heading now.”
Her mother stopped and turned to her. “What’s there to be uncertain about?”
“Well, I know it all had to be tied together – the troubles in mine and Crystal’s relationship, the troubles with the store, and the way the rose bush at our old house died. For a while, I thought we had everything resolved after our trip to Arizona, but now
it seems like something else has come up.”
The light chuckle didn’t surprise her. “You forgave Crystal, but did you ever think it’s Crystal who can’t forgive herself.”
“Yes, I think that’s part of it. Then there’s also the uncertainty with the shop – whether or not we’ll make it back to where we need to be – and now there’s a sort of… not pressure, but the question of whether or not we should get married.”
Maeve’s hand stilled just over a statue of a fairy and she smiled. “Would you like to marry Crystal?”
“Neither of us really considered it. I mean, we discussed it years ago, but gave up on the idea since it wasn’t legal. Now that it’s possible, I would love to marry Crystal.”
“And does she want to marry you.”
All Emma could do was shrug. “She seems to think no one in their right mind would want her. I disagree, of course. I can’t think of a time when I wouldn’t want her, even when she cheated on me.”
“Really?” Her mother turned and stared at her. “Are you absolutely sure?”
It was a fair question after such a declaration and Emma took a moment to consider it. “Yeah,” she finally said. “I mean, I wanted her even then, but I didn’t know if it made sense to want her. After all, she cheated, so I was left doubting whether or not she wanted me.”
“That’s what happens in that case, you know. It’s not just frustration at the other person, but fear that they wanted something else all along. That’s what really gets us – not the actual infidelity, but wondering why it happened, feeling as though we aren’t good enough.”
Emma stared at her mother and think blinked a few times. This was the first time they had ever spoken about a topic like this. Her mother’s words made her wonder how she knew what it felt like to be on the other side, so she asked, “Do you speak from experience?”