by Cole Gibsen
“Lane?”
Ash’s voice is like a cool breeze winding through me. The red flooding my vision only seconds ago fades.
She’s standing on the sidewalk across the parking lot, staring at me, a can of Sprite in one hand and Hank’s leash in the other. The dog strains against the nylon tether to get to me, his tail waving furiously. “What the hell are you doing here? I talked to Em and she said…” She frowns before a flicker of realization flashes through her eyes. “Oh.” She presses her lips into a tight line. “Em. I should have known.”
“Yes. Em called me and told me you were in trouble.” Abandoning my plan to beat the two truckers into bloody mash, I stride across the parking lot toward her, her eyes growing larger the closer I come. “Things happened so quickly between us earlier, I just wanted a chance to talk to you before you—” I can’t bring myself to say the word leave, as if by just speaking it I might make it happen. “Before you do whatever you need to do.”
I stop in front of her, so close I can smell the apple of her perfume, so close I can touch her if I want. But I don’t. I won’t do anything to hold her back if she really wants to be free. Still, the desire to reach for her, to take her in my arms, encircles me like steel wire.
“Lane…” She doesn’t approach, but she doesn’t move away, either. “You shouldn’t have come. I’ve already said what I needed to say. My mind’s made up.”
Her words feel like a slap. I force myself not to flinch. “That’s fine. I’m not here to make you do anything you don’t want to do, Ash. If you need to go, I get it, even though I’ll be miserable every second you’re gone.”
Her face softens. “Lane, I’ve given this a lot of thought—”
“I wouldn’t expect anything less,” I say, cutting her off. “By now I’ve come to realize you don’t jump into anything impulsively. Well, except for tattoos of ex-boyfriends.”
She frowns and touches the typewriter on her arm.
“I just want to make sure,” I continue, “that before you leave, you’re seeing things from every angle. I don’t want you to go, Ash. But I’m also not going to make you stay.” I reach into my pocket and pull out a hundred-dollar bill. “For you. Should be more than enough to get you where you’re going.”
Her eyes are transfixed on the money. “It is. Actually, it’s too much. I can’t take that from you, Lane.”
I shake my head. “Oh, I’m not giving it to you, Ash. You have to do something for me, first.
She places a hand on her hip and eyes me skeptically. “What’s that?”
“You need to listen.”
Chapter Thirty-Six
Ashlyn
A frown pulls tight across my face. I’m so tired of being manipulated. “And if I say no?”
He shrugs. “I’ll still give you the money. I was just hoping you could hear me out. After all, you got to say what you needed to, but I never did.
The frown melts from my lips. He’s right. I did run out on him pretty quickly. And after what we’ve been through together, don’t I at least owe him this? It’s not like he can change my mind or anything. “Fine. I’ll listen to you, but it’s not for the money. Which, by the way, I’m going to pay back as soon as I get to Atlanta.”
“Fair enough.” Lane grabs my hand and presses the bill into it. Our skin grazes and it’s enough to send a shock of warmth jolting through me. Quickly, I jerk free from his grasp before the heat can travel to my head and melt what little resolve I have left.
If Lane notices, he doesn’t say anything. Instead, he jams his hands into his back pocket. “Driving here, I was trying to figure out what to say to you, how I could possibly convince you not to go. I had all these words planned.” He laughs softly. “Hundreds and hundreds of words. But now that I’m here with you standing in front of me, only four words come to mind: stay with me, Ash.”
I feel as if he’s ripped through my chest and dug into my heart. I open my mouth to protest, but he doesn’t give me the chance.
“I already know what you’re going to say—that your leaving is for the best. Em told me on the phone you don’t think you’re good enough to be a part of Harper’s life. But nothing could be further from the truth.”
I make a noise to interrupt, but he keeps going.
“You’re absolutely amazing. Having met your stepdad today, I’m starting to understand what life must have been like for you growing up. I think most kids in your situation would have crumbled, but not you. You flourished. You became this amazing, strong, hard-working woman—a girl who doesn’t depend on other people to take care of her. You became exactly the kind of role model I always hoped Harper would have.”
His words hit me like darts. I don’t know why he’s saying these things to me—words that can’t possibly be true. Staying will only hurt him and his daughter in the long run. Why can’t he see that? What do I have to do to show him?
I don’t deserve him. The selfish part of me, the part that refuses to give up, refuses to speak the words out loud. Still, I know they’re true. I turn away, shame burning through me like a wash of flames. I take a step toward my car, but he grabs my arm, his grip loose around my wrist, making it easy for me to break away if I want—but I don’t. I know the right thing is to let him go, but I’m not strong enough. Maybe I’ll never be strong enough.
“I’m going to hurt you, Lane. I don’t want to hurt you.”
He pulls me toward him and I don’t resist—can’t resist. “The only way you’ll hurt me is if you leave.”
I feel my resolve crumbling by the second. I turn toward him but keep my gaze locked on the ground. The last thing I need is to look at his face and fall into his eyes and drown in their dark depths.
“Stay,” he says, his voice soft.
I can’t help myself. I look up and sink into the dark pools of his irises. I never stood a chance. From the moment I first saw him, I knew he was bad news. And he is, because for the first time in ten years, I can feel the wall around my heart crumbling and pain flooding through. Tears well in my eyes, burning as they spill over my lashes.
Lane reaches a hand to brush them away, but I step back before he can. There is so much pain in my tears, so much shame. The last thing I want is for Lane to take that from me. My hurt is mine, and mine alone. Why can’t he see that? Why doesn’t he understand he’s better off without me?
“I-I’m no good for you,” I stammer.
His hand falls to his side, and he shakes his head. “Why do you think that?”
“Because I’m broken! You deserve someone better, someone who knows how to love without fear, someone who won’t hurt you or your daughter.”
His jaw tightens. “Damn it, Ash, you’re not broken. Broken things can’t be fixed. I hate that someone hurt you, Ash, that someone lied to you and made you believe you’re not worth anything. But that’s not true. You’re worth everything to me. You say you can’t love without fear? Join the club. I’m fucking terrified right now, Ash. I’m standing in a truck stop, baring my heart to you, knowing full well you can destroy it. But I don’t care. To me, you’re worth the risk.
My throat tightens, making it nearly impossible to swallow. “What if—”
“What if it doesn’t work?” he asks. “What if a meteor falls from the sky and lands on us? What if the sun burns out? There are a million what if’s, Ash, but there are only two I care about—only two that matter. What if we don’t try? What if you walk away right now and I lose one of the best things to ever happen to me?”
The tears are falling freely now. I attempt to wipe them away with the back of my hand but more cascade down my cheek. What he’s said resonates inside me. I’ve never felt the way I feel about Lane, and I really can’t see myself feeling this way about anyone else. Because there’s only one Lane, and he’s standing right in front of me, asking me to stay. How am I supposed to walk away? How can I walk away?
I choke back a sob. Still, there’s his daughter to think about. What is she going to think of m
e? I’m not a mother, nor do I want to be one—at least not until I get my shit together. “What about Harper?”
“I’m not asking you to be anything,” Lane says, as if reading my mind. “Harper is a major part of my life, so being with me also means being with her.”
“But what if—?”
“We’ll take it one day at a time. I’ll get the apartment fixed up and I’ll slowly introduce the two of you. I think you are going to love each other.”
Having met his little girl, I already think she’s pretty great. I wish I was so sure she would think the same about me. Still, maybe it is worth a shot.
“We can agonize over this forever, Ash,” Lane says. “We can dissect every possible outcome and brace for the worst. A million things can go wrong—I know that. But we only need one thing to go right. And we’re right, Ash, the two of us together. I can feel it. I’m not perfect, and I know this won’t be easy. But I’m willing to take a chance if you are.”
I bite my lip, letting his words roll through me. He’s right about all the things that can go wrong. Still, I can’t deny how much I yearn to be with him. Even now I have to ball my fingers into fists to keep from grabbing him and closing the distance between us.
We only need one thing to go right.
It seems foolish not to try, not when everything I’ve ever wanted—a man who cares about me, stability, a family—is right in front of me. “Okay.” I grin. “I can’t promise this will work, but I’m willing to try.”
He smiles back, and it electrifies my blood. “That’s all I’m asking.” He lifts his arm, his fingers stretched toward mine. “Let’s get the hell out of here, okay?”
“Okay.” I slip my hand into his, and immediately a warmth settles through me. I’m safe. “Where will be go?”
He cocks his head to the side as if the answer should be obvious.
“Home.”
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Ashlyn
Six months later
Harper laughs as I squeeze a river of chocolate sauce onto my ice cream. It dribbles over the bowl onto Lane’s kitchen table. Despite a few muscle twinges, I leave the chocolate where it is.
Lane’s kitchen is roughly the size of my entire apartment. Even so, Lane, Harper, and I have squished our chairs together so we’re huddled at the table. I love it—the closeness, the sense of family. For the first time in my life, I feel like I belong.
Even Hank appears blissfully happy, curled at our feet, his eyes fluttering in sleep. He doesn’t even mind the large bows and princess bling collars Harper insists on dressing him in. I haven’t the heart to tell her Hank’s not a girl.
“Hey!” Lane tries to snatch the chocolate syrup but I swing the bottle away before he can grab it. “Save some for the rest of us!”
“It’s my celebration party.” I quickly squeeze out several more dollops before he can stop me. “That means I can have as much chocolate sauce as I want. Isn’t that right, Harper?”
Giggling, she shakes a jar of sprinkles over her sundae. “That’s how it works.”
Lane folds his arms over his chest. “Jeez, you get one lousy publishing contract and suddenly you’re queen of the world.” He winks at me, turning my insides to jelly. “Seriously, though, we’re so proud of you.”
“Thanks.” Smiling, I scoop up a large bite of ice cream and shove it into my mouth. The publishing contract still feels like a dream, and maybe it will until I hold the book in my hand. Granted, my book of poems didn’t sell for much, but I didn’t do it for the money so much as to prove I could. The always-critical voice in my head has grown quieter. For now, that’s enough.
Harper places her spoon in her bowl and looks at me, her face suddenly serious. “Now that you’re famous, are you going to leave us?”
“What?” I freeze mid-bite and quickly put my own spoon down. “Why would you even think that?”
Her gaze falls to her lap and she shrugs. “Sometimes people leave.”
Her words stab at my heart like pinpricks. “Yes. That’s true. But I’m not going anywhere. I’m going to stay as long as you want me around.” Without thinking, I add, “I love you guys.” My eyes flutter wide and I quickly glance at Lane. Even though we’re together almost every night, and I can’t picture my life without him or Harper, we haven’t spoken the L word yet. And now that I have, it’s too late to take it back. When he came to get me at the rest stop, we both agreed to take things slowly. Now I have to wonder if I just screwed it all up. Terror rips through me and I try to sneak a peek at Lane to gauge his reaction.
He won’t meet my eyes. Instead, he stands suddenly, the legs of his chair squealing against the ceramic tile. “Excuse me.” Before I can respond, he marches from the room.
Shit. What have I done? My pulse beats a nervous rhythm. No longer hungry, I push my ice cream away.
Harper appears not to notice the change in mood because she finishes her ice cream in several large bites. After licking the spoon clean, she jumps out of her chair. “Can I play with Hank in the backyard?”
“Sure, Honey,” I respond absently. Where the hell did Lane go? Did my confession freak him out? If so, should I go back to my apartment above his studio to give him some time? Oh God, what if I just messed everything up?
Harper grabs a tennis ball off the counter and, as if by magic, Hank’s eyes pop open and he scrambles to his feet. The two of them charge out the French doors and into the backyard, leaving me alone.
I suck in a long breath, trying to relieve the tightness in my chest. It doesn’t work. So I stand, my legs feeling like gelatin, and clear the dishes from the table. It’s the least I can do before I leave.
After placing the tub of ice cream back in the freezer, I turn and nearly collide with Lane. I gasp and stumble back against the stainless steel refrigerator. The intensity in Lane’s eyes unsettles me, because serious conversations seldom go well for me.
“Don’t do that.” He grabs my wrist and pulls me away from the fridge. “It’s your party. You shouldn’t be cleaning up. I got it.”
I allow him to lead me into the center of the kitchen, my footsteps slow and unsure. “Where did you go?”
He ignores my question and instead asks, “Do you really love me? Do you really love us?”
Shit. This is exactly what I was afraid of, and I curse my stupid, blathering tongue. Lane and I agreed we’d ease slowly into this relationship for Harper’s sake, in case things didn’t work out. And what do I do? I open my stupid mouth and declare my love—not exactly slow or subtle.
Still, I won’t lie. I do love them—both of them. My time spent with Lane and Harper has been the best in my life and I can’t imagine an existence without them. If Lane thinks we’re moving too fast, and wants to spend some time apart because of it, I’ll understand. His protectiveness of his daughter is just another reason I love him.
I swallow hard before I answer. “I do.”
His lips are on mine, hard and fast. His fingers weave into my hair, tying me to him. I give a cry of surprise, which he swallows, before I melt into the hardness of his chest. Heat simmers low inside me, before spilling over, surging through my limbs into my fingers and toes.
His kiss is deep and urgent, with little nips of teeth on my bottom lip, before he floods my mouth with the heat of his tongue. I tilt my head back, twist my arms around his neck, and give in, wanting all of him, wanting him to take all of me.
Lane reaches behind his neck, grabs my wrists, and gently pries them apart, breaking our kiss in the process.
I blink up at him, my lips tingling and hungry for more. I lean forward and he steps back.
“Wait a sec.”
Confused—and slightly hurt—I try to retreat, but he won’t let go of my wrists, so I can’t escape.
Lane shifts his weight from foot to foot and licks his lips. For the first time since we’ve met, he looks nervous. “I want to give you something.” He releases my wrists, reaches into his back pocket, withdraws a small black bo
x, and holds it out to me.
A lump wedges inside my throat and I wobble on my feet. “Is that…is that—?”
“No.” He shakes his head. “It’s not an engagement ring. I thought you had enough going on with school and writing. But when you’re done with school, and you’re ready, we can…” He shrugs. “If you want.”
I can’t help but smile. I’ve never seen Lane looks so vulnerable, and damned if he isn’t adorable. “It’s a promise ring? I thought only teenagers did that?”
“Fuck. I don’t know what it is.” He sweeps his fingers through his hair. “It’s just an ‘I love you’ ring, okay?”
My breath catches in my throat. “You love me?”
His expression turns serious, the heat from his eyes melting right through me. “From the moment I laid eyes on you. You drive me crazy in a way no one has before. I can’t imagine my life without you. I just…wanted you to know that.” He pauses. “Now please take the ring. The damn dog has more bling than you, and that embarrasses me as a man. It means I’m not doing my job.”
I laugh through the tears welling in my eyes and take the small box from him. “Lane, you didn’t have to do this. You know I’m not that kind of girl, right? I don’t need you to buy me anything to prove you care.”
“I never said you did. But you deserve it. You deserve this and so much more. I want to give you things, Ash. I want to protect you, take care of you, and make you happy. I want to give you the life you deserve, and I want to love you forever—if you’ll have me.”
So many emotions rise inside me, swirling and expanding, rendering me unable to speak. With shaking hands, I open the small box. Inside, the most gorgeous ring I’ve ever seen waits for me. It’s a daisy. Somehow he knew about my love of the little flower that grows strong in the face of adversity. White oval diamonds surround a single circular yellow diamond on a thin gold band. My breath stills in my chest. But that’s okay. Because in this moment, I don’t need to breathe, I don’t need air—I don’t need anything to stay alive except Lane.