by Brooks, JL
I looked up at his strange admission. David was never religious, so him speaking of God definitely made my ears perk up.
“And how do you know that,Yoda?”
He paused for a moment, clenching his jaw, seemingly holding back tears of his own. His voice choked a little.
“Because I have spent the better part of the last decade praying for the ability to make things right with you. Praying for you. Asking God to watch over you because I couldn’t. I know better than to question how he works. You being here is proof he hasn’t given up on my sorry ass.”
I gave my biggest smile, thinking about the kind of conversations David Stark had with God in the wee hours of the night or on bathroom floors drunk or before games. There was no doubt He heard many of those, considering we were still better off than most people we knew. I just wish I felt a little more certain about what would happen even tomorrow. But that is life; we are never promised tomorrow.
After the morning’s episode, we showered and headed over to the house. Today was going to be nice, because nearly the entire staff offered to come and help paint the walls to knock it out quickly. David and I stopped by the club and grabbed a few cases of beer to bring along. All of the plastic had been laid and the edges taped before we arrived. I couldn’t stop smiling at how it was coming together. Daddy was going to be blown away to see that people loved him, and that they just needed the opportunity to give back. I really wanted him to see this. It was cruel to think that the Almighty would orchestrate something so crazy for nothing.
It was obvious I picked out the paint colors, because daddy would have looked at the samples and categorized them in primary tones. There would be no khaki, camel, or taupe. No, it would be all shades of brown. Nic had a sewing machine she let me borrow, and I dug out the scraps of fabric to show her.
“You’re putting pleather curtains up? Really?” She smiled while holding the shiny black pieces.
I pulled another burlap type of fabric out in a tan color. “It’s going to be two layers: this one to allow light in but still be shaded, the other to block out most of the light but still look manly. I am going to install rolling blackout shades just in case it doesn’t work like I hope.”
Comparing the two against each other, she nodded approvingly. “I like it – definitely your dad.”
Since the house was so small, the painting was done a few hours before dusk. I thanked everyone for helping. It was nice knowing that the club was closed and we had the evening free. David was putting things back in the car when I wandered into the garage and lifted underneath the blue tarp.
Donna.
Donna was my daddy’s custom 1975 Harley Davidson Shovelhead. He named her Donna, because that was the name of the pin-up girl he carried in his wallet in Nam. He had the image painted on the gas tank and touched up every five years. I was seven the first time he took me out on her, and the moment my feet could reach the clutch, he taught me how to ride – assisted, of course.
Running my hands along the leather seat, I felt like my daddy was right next to me, encouraging me to hit the road. I ripped off the rest of the tarp and checked the gas. I wasn’t sure how long it had been since she’d been out, but I knew she would run, without question. Grabbing my old helmet and daddy’s, I steadied the bike and wheeled it out into the driveway. My feet could barely touch the ground – just enough to keep it upright. As I turned the key, she rumbled loudly. I bit my lip and closed my eyes in anticipation. The noise caused David to run out the door and look at me in shock.
“Get on!” I pointed to the back and tightened the strap on my helmet.
He picked up the other and slid it on before lifting his leg across the back. “I assume you remember what you’re doing?”
Giving the engine a little gas, I laughed. “We’re about to find out.”
I released the clutch and the bike jerked a little in the gravel before moving slowly forward. I inched my way to the main road before turning out. Riding a motorcycle was no different than driving a manual vehicle, except you went by feel, not necessarily gauges. Once the engine idled to a certain point, I popped the clutch and kicked it into the next gear. David tightened his grip around my waist and rubbed gently with his fingers. He had never been on a bike with me, but he knew I rode well back in the day. My daddy promised me this bike as a child and made sure I knew it inside and out. David pointed towards town, and we rode down the highway under the hot, desert sun.
I knew he was hungry, and we had decided on Mexican earlier in the day. I pulled off to the side of the road and switched places so he could drive. I rested my head against his massive shoulders as we finished riding the rest of the way. Closing my eyes, I felt his heart beating in the palm of my hand. He reached up and held it a few times, squeezing my fingers lightly. When we stopped, I lifted my helmet off and smoothed my ponytail out the best I could. I knew my daddy kept bandanas in the saddlebags, where there was indeed one hiding. I twisted the fabric so it was more of a headband to hold down my unruly strays.
Walking up to the small cantina, I stopped at my reflection in the glass of the door. My skin was now deep tan, my blond hair almost white in spots from being bleached by the sun. With my camisole top and short denim cutoffs paired with the cowboy boots, I was unrecognizable to myself. I reached up and touched my cheeks, turning my head to each side. David knew what was happening.
“I think you look hot either way; the librarian look works, but so does this.” He winked, then cracked open the door to the cool restaurant.
We laughed over our delicious meal, sipping margaritas and occasionally dancing to the jukebox in the corner. For being so tall, he could actually dance. Granted there was no technique to our attempts at Salsa; I simply followed his body and savored the closeness. In the middle of a dance, he looked up and suddenly froze. I turned to see what he was looking at and saw that a tall brunette was sitting at the bar, shooting daggers from across the room.
“Oooooh, you’re in trouble. That girl looks pissed.” The tequila was starting to make me get a little feisty, and although David had no idea what I was doing, the girl watched my every move. I was nodding my head, silently going, “Oh yeah,” and licking my lips. I knew I was being vicious, but I could tell from his demeanor that he didn’t want anything to do with her.
“Um, do we need to go?”
I looked up and started to wobble a little. Without a word he paid the tab and led me by the hand back out to the bike. As I was getting on the back, a soda hit me in the leg, and the girl was now coming at us with hands in the air, screaming.
“Who is this bitch, huh, another one of your sluts? Does she know you are a no-good piece of lying shit who uses women and treats them like trash?”
Watching her hands, I started to get dizzy at how fast they moved. I bounced in my seat excitedly. “Wow, David is that true? Oh, please let me be one of your sluts. I love being degraded, especially if you tie me up and call me a dirty whore and make me call you sir.”
My mockery infuriated the girl who was growing angrier by the moment. My fuck it attitude was turned full blast, and she was about to get the full effect. I removed my helmet and looked her up and down.
“David, you know she’s my type. We could tag team her, but I get to go first. We could do that little thing I taught you with the duct tape and the video camera. I definitely want to remember this one.” I moaned while running my hand between my legs, and immediately knew I pushed the right button.
“Oh hell no, I don’t want anything to do with you and your kinky lesbian girlfriend; you are both fucked up.” With her hands still waving a mile a minute, she turned and ran for her car, jumping in and speeding away quickly.
Patting a thoroughly relieved David on the back, I teased. “You really need to start banging better quality chicks – that was just sad.” I felt his ribs contract with laughter.
“You are just as fucking crazy as I am. I hope you realize that, too.”
Weaving my hands around
his midsection, I leaned up and bit his shoulder gently. “You say that like it’s a bad thing.”
He reached around and slapped my thigh hard before pulling away. “Nope, love it.”
It was already night by the time we returned to the house. The mountains looked beautiful under the full moon. My legs felt numb from not being on a bike in so long. “I needed that so badly.”
He simply smiled while pulling the tarp over the bike. Reaching another end, his smile dropped.
“What?”
He finished securing the other end and let out a deep breath.
“Toni, he gave me Donna. He didn’t think you wanted her anymore or at all actually.”
My lip started to quiver as I touched the metal handlebars. This was the closest thing to a sibling I had, as ridiculous as that sounded, and the only piece of my father I could take with me.
Nodding, I understood now. “This is what you didn’t want to tell me.”
He came around towards me. “I won’t accept it if you want her; she’s rightfully yours.”
I shook my head. “No, no, no. She’s not.” I tossed him the keys and walked to the car.
He slipped into the driver’s seat slowly as I looked into the distance. “I’m not here to cash in on my inheritance. Not that I have one. I expect nothing, because that’s what I deserve. Good for him for giving it all away and that includes Donna. You have more than earned her.”
His hand reached out and grabbed mine, rubbing his thumb along the line of fate. “He’s not gone, yet, so let’s not even go down that road. You have enough shit to worry about right now. I told you, if you want it, it’s yours. I would never do that to you.”
Bringing his hand up to my mouth, I rubbed my lips along his knuckles.
“I’d rather you keep the bike since you don’t get to keep me.”
He tugged on his arm and pulled my hand to his mouth. With the softest kiss and eyes full of resolve, he spoke with certainty.
“That hasn’t been decided, yet, either.”
I was getting a little too comfortable in this bed. Reaching over slightly and feeling the softness of David’s skin against my palm caused my heart to flutter. No one knew that Andrew and I rarely slept together. My late nights of insomnia often had me passed out on the sofa in the den, reading a book with a half-empty bottle of wine sitting on the coffee table. It happened slowly, then became routine. The stresses of my job diffused through my favorite escapes. Andrew kept his poker nights with the boys, and I kept fit with my running group.
On the surface, all appeared well; I should have known a storm was bound to hit us. The past week had been so busy that I had little time to reflect on how bad everything really was. I made sure to send a short text once a day to check in. More often than not, the reply was even shorter. He did not ask when I was coming back or if I wanted him here. He probably assumed I would just say no.
David reached over and grabbed my left hand, twirling the rings around my finger slowly. “Why do you stay?”
The muscles in my mouth pulled into a frown and quivered, but my head nodded back and forth.
“I don’t know. I never thought about leaving. I love him, I really do. But we’re not in love – not how I think we should be. I know that the body has biological markers that chemically enhance the mind’s ability to fall in love. When those levels start to drop, you see things as they really are. I also say it’s just the sex that bothers me, but it’s not. I can get myself off. It’s the intimacy – it’s this.”
I trailed my hand along his arm, up to his shoulders, down his hard chest, and he held his breath as I moved towards his stomach.
“What you just did there. That’s what I need.”
I could envision this moment going deeper than it should, so I got out of bed and walked slowly to the window, peeking out. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see by the flashing red light that I had a missed call. Picking it up, I breathed a sigh of relief. Hitting the message button, I listened.
“Hey Toni, are you alive? I know you are down there with your dad; I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I miss your face. Call me when you have a moment.”
Caught up in the past, I had given little thought to the friends I had left behind in Indy. Out of sight, out of mind. I felt like a shitty friend for not sending Erin a text while I was here. She was one of the very few people who knew what I was going through. I could commiserate with her about anything. She was my first roommate in college, and we lived together for another two years past graduation. Our apartment in Bloomington was dirt cheap and amazing. It was on this quiet, maple-lined, historic avenue right behind a blues bar that played loudly every weekend.
“Something made you smile.”
David walked past me into the kitchen and opened the fridge to remove the eggs and bacon we bought the day before.
“Yeah, my friend, Erin, called. She’s great. I bet you would try and bang her.”
Ignoring my comment, he turned his head and spoke over his shoulder at me. “If you say she’s great, I will take your word for it. You seem to be a good judge of character.”
Walking over and grabbing the teakettle, I filled it up while continuing to smile. “Except you, David. You’re an asshole.”
His right leg kicked up and landed against my shin.
“Ouch, you motherfucker. You just proved my point.” Moving to stand safely on the other side of the kitchen, I could tell he was feeling feisty. The cast iron pan started to sizzle the moment he laid the strips of thick bacon across the bottom. In a porcelain bowl, he whipped the eggs with a little milk.
“When did you get so domestic? I am surprised.”
He stopped for a second and looked pained. “I was married.”
My jaw dropped along with the foot I had resting on the wall. “No way – I never read that. What happened?”
“It wasn’t very long…a year or so. I thought I should try and settle down, do the family thing.”
“Then what?”
He shrugged his shoulders and poured the eggs into another pan.
“She was a bitch.”
I left it at that, although I was dying to know more. He didn’t pry with me, so I gave him the same distance. We finished breakfast in silence and headed to the hospital for a while before working on the house some more.
Although it was a lot of traveling, I enjoyed taking Donna out more and more every day. The GT sat parked unless we needed supplies, and my daddy’s pick-up had yet to move. Stretching my arms out wide to each side, I closed my eyes and felt my body slice through the wind on the back of the bike. David’s hand gripped underneath my knee and rested for a bit, squeezing gently through his worn leather gloves.
Behind my eyelids, we were children again, innocent and beautiful, lying in the back of the pick-up under the stars with a flashlight, reading my father’s Penthouse magazines. The women looked like the ones at the club.
“Let me see your boobies, Toni.”
Opening the top of my shirt, I looked down and back at him, disappointed. “I don’t have any, David. I’m not old enough, yet.”
He was not deterred. “Let me just see. C’mon, you chicken? I will show you my dick.”
I was curious; I wanted to see it. Would I get over my embarrassment for the sake of sating the urge? Tentatively, I grabbed the edges of my shirt and lifted it over my head. He held up his flashlight and inspected my prepubescent body without reserve. His fingers traced across the buds that would grow one day into a voluptuous shape. Although it was still over eighty degrees, a strong chill raced down my spine.
“Okay, you got to see. Now take off your pants.”
He shook his head and put the flashlight down. “Nope, you need to kiss me first.”
I grabbed my shirt and clutched it to my chest. “That wasn’t the deal. You said.”
He reached out and yanked the shirt, hiding it behind his back, taunting me. “C’mon, Toni, just give me a kiss. Do it, or I will kick your butt.�
�
“Gimme back my shirt, David. You’re being mean!” I was growing irritated and just wanted to cover up. I knew it wasn’t proper for me to be out here like this, even though my daddy had no idea what was going on. He thought we were just watching the meteor shower and camping out like we often did.
With a mischievous grin, David continued to whip the shirt around in a circle above his head.
“Fine, just do it, then give me back my shirt.” I knelt down and closed my eyes, pursing my lips into a fish face. Cocking one eye open, I watched his hands reach out and felt them gently touch the sides of my face.
“I have to do it like the movies.” He was so serious that I opened both of my eyes as he came closer.
“Close your eyes, Toni; girls can’t watch when they are getting kissed.”
He is so bossy, I thought to myself. I reluctantly closed my eyes, yet still kept one open just a crack. I relaxed my lips once his touched mine.
“Open your mouth, Toni.”
I did not hesitate. Parting my lips slightly, I felt his tongue slide through and start to swipe slowly back and forth. Unsure of what to do, I followed his lead. I could taste the peanut butter from our dinner sandwiches and the remaining salt crystals from the potato chips.
“Lay down.”
Backing away, I reached out my hand. “Give me my shirt. I’m getting cold.”
He now held it close against him, afraid to give it back. “Will you kiss me again if I give it back?”
I nodded and reached out to swipe it away. “Why do you want to kiss me anyways? You always say I’m gross.”
He stretched out on the sleeping bags and put his arms behind his head. “You ain’t gross, Toni. I’m just pickin’ on you when I say that. I need practice for when I kiss other girls. I need to be real good at it.”
After pulling on my shirt, I laid down next to him. “You won’t be kissing any girls. Who’s going to want to kiss you?”
With all certainty, he looked at me and smiled. “Yes, I will – lots of ‘em. I’m just starting with you.”