She wiggled out of his grasp before he could stop her, then quickly but methodically began to gather up the various personal belongings she’d brought to the condo these past few months - clothing and toiletries, books and CD’s, the cashmere throw she liked to wrap around herself while they watched movies.
Matthew watched solemnly as she piled all of her things neatly in one corner of the sectional, his eyes sad and shimmering with tears. When she’d placed the last of her things on top of the pile, it occurred to her belatedly that she had nothing to pack them in.
“I don’t have any bags here at the moment,” she murmured distractedly. “Could you possibly ask Xavier or one of the others to box these things up and have them delivered to my place?”
He nodded sadly. “I’ll take care of it, if that’s what you really want. Though I was sort of hoping that you would just stay here while I’m gone. Alone, if that’s the way you want it. This could be your place, Sasha. Or I’m happy to find you an apartment or condo of your own, arrange to have it all furnished and get you moved in. It’s the least I can do for you, some small way I can take care of you.”
“I’ve been taking care of myself for a long time, Matthew,” she reminded. “And while I appreciate the offer, I’d rather remain where I’m at. I’d better go now.”
“Wait. Please,” begged Matthew. “I don’t want to part this way, to make this good-bye. And while I have no right to ask you to wait for me, to be patient while this whole fucked-up mess plays itself out, I’m - Christ, I don’t know what I’m asking. I just know that the thought of losing you, of not being able to talk to you or hold you again, is killing me. You’re the most wonderful thing to ever happen to me, Sasha, the very best part of me. And having to let you go right now is like cutting out half of my heart.”
Sasha closed her eyes, willing back the tears that threatened to spill down her cheeks. “You know, I should have expected something like this. Those first few times you came in for a massage, I already knew how attracted I was to you. And I was also very aware of the fact that you were still legally married, and that your kids meant the world to you. I mentioned you to Linda once, admitted to her that I liked you a lot. And she warned me then that I was setting myself up for heartbreak, that a man would nearly always choose his children over another woman. I forgot along the way how wise a woman my aunt is, and how I’ve never known her to be wrong about anything. I should have heeded her warning back then, should have never become involved with you. Maybe if I had listened my heart wouldn’t be breaking into a million little pieces right now.”
She could no longer hold back the tears, and couldn’t summon up the will to resist when Matthew pulled her into his arms. She sobbed quietly against his warm, comforting chest, and didn’t pull away when he continued to press soothing kisses along her temple and cheek, or when his hand rubbed her back. She wanted nothing more than to fall asleep in the shelter of his embrace, then wake in a few hours to find this had all been a horrible nightmare.
“This doesn’t have to be over, Sasha,” he pleaded, the desperation in his voice mounting. “Look, I don’t expect sex, I understand the moral dilemma you’re experiencing about that. But can’t we at least be friends? It would mean the world to me to at least be able to call you on the phone, or see you for lunch occasionally. You’ve made me so happy, sweetheart, the happiest I’ve ever been. And while I’m well aware that I’ve never deserved you, I’m still selfish enough to want to keep you in my life in one way or the other.”
“I can’t,” she whispered brokenly. “Please try and understand. I can’t keep waiting for this to be over, and for you to come back to me, Matthew. I’d die a little inside each time you called or that we saw each other, and then not know when we could be together again. So, please. Just let me go, okay? I know it’s going to be hard for both of us, but it will be so much harder for me to keep in touch with you, only to have my hopes smashed each time we talk.”
Matthew had a look of such despair and sadness on his face that she very nearly caved in to what he was asking. But while it broke her heart to do so, Sasha remained firm in her resolve.
“I need to go,” she murmured absently, looking around for her bag.
But he was still holding onto her fiercely, every bit as reluctant as she was to say good-bye. “I wish you’d let me do something for you,” he pleaded. “Not just as a way to say thank you for everything you’ve done for me, but so that I wouldn’t feel like such a heel right now. I could set you up in a yoga studio of your own, no expense spared. Or arrange for you to go back to school and finish your courses to be a certified herbalist.”
Sasha shook her head firmly. “Thank you for your offer, but I’ll have to turn it down. I’ve never had any desire to run my own studio, especially not after seeing how much work Serge and Morgana put in behind the scenes, what with paying bills and ordering supplies and dealing with leases. As for the other, I’ll take a pass on that, too. It’s just not something I feel an overwhelming need to do at this point in my life.” She cupped his cheek tenderly. “And you don’t need to make anything up to me, Matthew, or give me things.”
Matthew grasped her hand. “I can’t help feeling like I’m abandoning you, Sasha. That I am in fact choosing my children - my daughter - over you, just like Linda warned you. But you’ve got to believe me when I say that’s not what’s happening here. Not exactly, anyway.”
“I know,” she assured him softly. “You’re just being a concerned parent, trying to be there for his daughter when she needs him the most. You’ve always been a wonderful father, Matthew, and Hayley is a very lucky girl to have you. I just wish my own father had been there for me under similar circumstances. Instead, he was half a world away in Australia performing at a Latin music festival.”
He stared at her in bewilderment. “What do you mean by similar circumstances? Were you ever pregnant?’
Sasha shook her head. “No, thank God. But I - I was date raped. When I was seventeen. And, unlike Hayley, unfortunately I remember the entire, horrific incident all too well. In fact, hearing about what Hayley went through just brought all of those terrible memories rushing back. So I do understand, all too well, why you feel the need to protect her and help her through this. Because I never had my own father to do the same for me.”
Matthew recoiled in shock, as though someone had just used a taser on him. “Sasha – my God. Why have you never told me any of this before? Why am I just hearing this now?”
“Why do you think?” she replied faintly. “Because it’s obviously traumatic for me to think about, much less talk about. I’ve pretty much tried to repress the memories for the last twelve years. And the only other person who knows about this is Linda. I’ve never told my parents what happened, and I never intend to.”
He continued to stare at her for long seconds, until he took her completely by surprise as he scooped her up into his arms, and carried her with long, purposeful strides into the master bedroom.
“Matthew, don’t,” she protested weakly, as he deposited her on the bed.
But he paid her no heed, wrapping her up in his arms instead, and simply holding her for untold minutes.
“How did something so unspeakable happen to you?” he whispered against her curls.
Sasha hesitated, knowing that she could trust Matthew implicitly, more so perhaps than anyone she’d ever met before. But twelve years of keeping this particular secret hidden away, of forcing the memories into the deepest, darkest corners of her mind, made her wary.
“I’d really prefer not to talk about it,” she hedged.
“Please. Sasha, I’ve told you a whole lot of things about myself these past few month, shared things with you that I’ve never done with anyone else. I’d like to think that sort of trust goes both ways.”
She felt a bit ashamed at his gentle rebuke, and sighed in resignation. “All right. But what I’m going to tell you never leaves this room, Matthew. My parents can ne
ver, ever find out. Do you promise?”
He entwined his fingers with hers, holding their joined hands against his chest. “With all my heart,” he vowed.
“All right.” Sasha exhaled sharply, knowing that this would be far from easy. “I’ve already told you how difficult it was for me to fit in during high school - how I looked and dressed differently from the other girls, the accent I hadn’t managed to get rid of, and mostly not being familiar with American customs or trends. I was incredibly shy around most people, but especially boys. So when this one guy asked me out, I was so excited, flattered even. I barely knew him, but he was good looking and popular and had always seemed like a nice boy.
We went out about three times, and each time he got a little more aggressive, a little more demanding physically. It went pretty quickly from just wanting a good-night kiss to petting, and then he started putting the pressure on me to go further. I was still a virgin, of course, and had very little idea about sex. By the fourth date, he lost patience and basically just forced me against my will. He brought me to his home on the pretext of meeting his parents, but the house was empty when we went inside. And there was no one there to hear me scream when he - he raped me.”
“I’ll kill him,” muttered Matthew in a deadly voice. “I will fucking rip him apart with my bare hands for what he did to you. Tell me his name, Sasha.”
“No, Matthew. I’m not going to tell you. Violence has never solved anything, and it certainly wouldn’t help in this case. And it was a long time ago, I’ve managed to get past it and get on with my life. Now, can you please let me go so I can leave?”
“Not yet.” He tightened his arms around her, preventing her escape. “What happened after that? You called the police, I take it?”
Sasha gave a short, bitter laugh. “Given that his father was the local chief of police, and his mother some sort of high-priced defense attorney, that wasn’t exactly an option. And he took great pleasure in reminding me of those facts while I was running out of his house, warned me that any complaint I made would just get dismissed. It made me wonder if he’d done this to other girls, knowing that his parents would always keep the truth hidden away. I got out of there as fast as I could, made it to a gas station on the main street, and called Linda. I’m not sure she’s ever made the drive from Stinson Beach to Mill Valley quite so fast.”
“And she agreed with you about not pressing charges?” asked Matthew incredulously.
“Not at first, no. But the more we talked the whole incident over, the more we realized that we needed to keep it quiet. For my sake, more than anything else. I was having a difficult enough time fitting in and making friends at school, and if word had gotten out about the attack I would have been an outcast. Everyone would have taken his side, and the last thing I needed at the time was to be gossiped about and shunned. And then of course there would have been my parents to deal with.” Sasha shook her head. “My father wouldn’t have bothered with the police. He would have gone after the boy himself, beat him unconscious, and not given a damn about the consequences. The same way I’m sure you feel about the boys who did this to Hayley.”
“Yes,” agreed Matthew solemnly. “Except that it’s not likely I’ll ever find out their identities since she and her friend don’t remember anything about them.”
“I’m sorry,” she consoled. “But as awful as it sounds, maybe it’s better in a way that the girls don’t remember anything about that night. Believe, me, there have been many times over the years when I wish I could have just forgotten it all.”
“Your mother doesn’t know, either?”
“God, no. In a way, that would have been worse than my dad finding out. Because my mother would have insisted I leave Linda’s, that I obviously wasn’t safe there, and she would have probably taken legal action to force me to return to her. And that was the very last thing I needed at the time. Having Linda there was the only thing that got me through it all. My parents would have meant well, but they would have made everything ten times worse if they’d known.”
Matthew threaded his hands through her curls, holding her head still as he gazed at her fiercely. “I’m going to find out who this bastard is, mark my word, Sasha,” he vowed. “And when I do, I’m going to ruin him, one way or the other. There are multiple ways to exact revenge on someone without resorting to violence. He’s finally going to pay for his sins.”
Before she could offer up a further protest, Matthew’s mouth was on hers, kissing her like he’d never kissed her before - with mingled anguish, passion, despair, and possession. At the same time, his hands were tugging at her clothes, pulling the long cotton skirt up above her waist, and tunneling beneath her tank top to cup her breast. Sasha whimpered half-heartedly in protest, too shaken by everything that had just happened to want sex. But Matthew’s kisses and caresses spoke clearly of desperation, of overwhelming need, and in the end she let him take what he wanted.
When he sensed her surrender, his mood changed immediately, and he became the tender lover he could so often be. The kisses he placed along her cheek, the side of her neck, and her lips were soft and sweet, seductive and persuasive. He took more care as he undressed her, his hands reverent as they touched her bare skin. She shivered as he plucked at her nipple, then replaced it with the gentle lick of his tongue.
She sensed that he didn’t want or expect her participation right now, that this was his way of giving to her, of taking care of her. And it felt like his farewell, as though with each sweeping caress and each hungry kiss he was trying to imprint the memory of her on his soul.
But even as she allowed him to control their lovemaking, Sasha couldn’t help the low moan that escaped her lips as he thrust carefully inside of her. Nor could she resist wrapping her legs around his waist as his strokes gradually became deeper, faster, hungrier. And when she came, he swallowed up her groans with another deep, drugging kiss.
Her cheeks were wet with tears when Matthew found his release moments later, and the urge to stroke his back and hair comfortingly couldn’t be suppressed. He kissed her tears away, whispering against her lips, “I will love you until the end of days, Sasha. Please don’t let this be over with, sweetheart. Don’t shut me out of your life. I know it’s a lot to ask, but I’m begging you to be patient for awhile.”
Regretfully, she shook her head. “Let’s not do this again,” she pleaded. “I can’t bear it, Matthew. And now I really do need to go. Before I let you talk me into something that’s only going to break my heart over and over.”
He didn’t try and restrain her when she got out of bed and walked inside the en suite bathroom to clean up. And when she returned to the bedroom stark naked, the look in his eyes was one of bleak sadness instead of the lust that would normally be there.
“What was it that you were going to tell me over dinner last night?” he asked hollowly as she began to pull her clothes on.
Sasha shrugged as she fastened her bra. “That’s pretty much a moot point right now, so no sense in discussing it.”
“Please.” He sat up, the sheet falling away from his bare chest. “Just tell me.”
She stepped into the long skirt, readjusting the elastic waistband once it was in place. “Matthew, let’s drop it, okay?”
“No.” He shook his head stubbornly. “Give me at least that much, Sasha. I could tell that whatever you wanted to say last night had to be important, so tell me now. Please.”
“Fine.” She took a deep breath before expelling it slowly. “I was going to finally take you up on your offer - the one about moving in here with you. But, like I said, that’s sort of a moot point now, isn’t it?”
Matthew paled visibly, and his hands were trembling as he placed them on either side of his head. “And just when I think this situation can’t be any more fucked up than it already is,” he muttered bitterly. “Instead of just muting my phone yesterday afternoon, I should have turned it off. That way we would have kept our date, you would have
told me you were moving in, and all of that would be resolved now.”
Sasha looked at him sadly. “You know it’s not that simple. Whether you heard the news last night or this morning about Hayley, you’d still be going to her now. Turning your phone off would have only postponed the inevitable for a few more hours.”
She walked on bare feet back into the living room to get her bag and shoes, not glancing behind her to see if Matthew followed. She had her hand on the front door when he said her name, and she turned to look at him one more time.
“Take care of yourself, sweetheart,” he whispered hoarsely. “I have no idea how I’m going to go on without you, but I realize now how selfish I’m being to expect you to put up with all this crap.”
“You’re not being selfish,” she replied sadly. “I think maybe I’m being the selfish one. But I’m not strong enough to handle this, Matthew, not strong enough to have my heart broken night after night. I’m sorry it has to be this way, but it’s the only way I know to save myself.”
Matthew nodded sorrowfully. “I won’t stop thinking about you for even a minute, Sasha. Or loving you.”
She closed her eyes for a moment, summoning up the will not to have an ugly breakdown right here and now. “Same here,” she whispered, before walking out the door.
Julio knew the moment she walked through the front door that something was really, really wrong, and if Sasha had held out even a smidgen of hope that she could hide what had happened from her overly astute landlord, it was crushed into miniscule pieces within seconds.
“Querida,” crooned Julio, already enveloping her in a comforting hug. “What’s wrong, baby? Tell your big brothers what’s bothering you.”
In reply, Sasha let her bag slip through nerveless fingers to land on the floor of the foyer, then promptly sobbed on Julio’s shoulder as though her heart was breaking - which it definitely was.
Serenity (Inevitable Book 5) Page 30