by Aimee Carter
“Why do you think that might be?” said my mother. She sat on a bench and watched me, looking wholly unconcerned.
“I don’t know,” I said, frustrated. “What if he really has given up? What am I supposed to do then?”
“Keep trying until you have no more chances left,” said my mother. There was a hint of steel in her voice that made me wonder if she were really as passive about this as she seemed. “And even then, you keep going.”
I shoved my hands into my pockets. It wasn’t that easy and she knew it. “James said none of the other girls had survived past Christmas—do you think maybe that’s why he’s avoiding me? He thinks I’m going to drop dead at any moment?”
“Perhaps,” she said. “Or perhaps he realized he does care about you, and he’s afraid of losing you as well.”
I snorted. “Fat chance of that. He won’t even look at me.”
She sighed. “You’re the one spending time with him, Kate, not me. I can only go off of what you tell me, and if Henry really is as miserable as he sounds, then I doubt anyone else is going to be able to pull him out of it.”
“And how do you suggest I do that?” I said, not meaning to snap, but it slipped out anyway. I immediately felt guilty, and I slouched toward her. She scooted over, making room for me on the bench, and I sat down next to her.
“Any way you can,” she said, pushing a lock of hair out of my eyes. “If you want to do this for him, then it isn’t going to be easy. It won’t be easy passing the rest of the tests, but it won’t be easy giving him a reason to continue, either.”
I frowned, racking my mind for the umpteenth time in the past few weeks, trying to come up with something, but nothing came. My one flash of brilliance had gone into his Christmas present, and even that was a risk.
“You are being careful though, aren’t you?” said my mother, concern etched into her features. “I don’t want anything to happen to you, and if what he says is true and there is a danger out there—”
“I’m fine,” I said. “Really. No one’s tried to off me yet, I promise. And if I can’t convince Henry it’s worth sticking around, then they might as well kill me anyway.”
“Don’t talk like that. I don’t care what happens in the next three months, but you will not give up, do you understand me?”
She spoke so fiercely that it startled me, and I straightened up on the bench. “I’m not going to give up,” I said. “But if Henry won’t even try, then he’ll die, and you—” And my mother would die as well. I knew it was inevitable, but I wasn’t ready to say goodbye yet. I still had three more months until the spring equinox, and I intended on soaking in every moment of our time together. I wasn’t going to let Henry get in the way of that.
“No matter what happens to me or to Henry, you will keep going,” said my mother, though in a gentler voice. “Neither one of us is worth giving up like that, and if you do, you’ll be no better than Henry. But I know you are, all right?”
I nodded mutely. If I had my mother’s strength and certainty, I was positive it wouldn’t be so hard to convince Henry of the same. “Maybe you should talk to him. Bet he’d listen to you.”
“He probably would.” Something flickered in her eyes, something I didn’t understand. “But that’s your job, sweetie, and I know you can do it.”
It was either that or let everyone around me die. “I hope you’re right.”
She gave me a noisy kiss on the cheek. “I’m always right.”
Before either of us could say another word, the sky darkened, and I looked up, confused. When I turned to my mother to ask what was happening, she was gone, replaced by the last person I wanted to see.
James.
“What the hell are you doing here?” I jumped to my feet. “What’d you do with my mom?”
“It’s all right,” he said, standing with me. I hurried down the path, searching for my mother, but he easily kept up. “Kate—listen. Your mother’s safe. I want to talk to you.”
“So you hijacked the only time I get to spend with my mother?” I turned around, and he stopped dead in his tracks, inches away from me. “Just because you’re some kind of god doesn’t give you the right to do this. I told you to stay away from me.”
“I know.” He stuck his hands in his pockets, and the look on his face was so pitiful that I momentarily forgot he was the bad guy. “I just need a few minutes, and I promise everything will go back to normal. Please.”
I sighed irritably. “Fine. You get five minutes.”
“More than enough.” He grinned, but when all I did was stare, his smile slowly faded. “I’m not the one trying to kill you.”
I blinked, taken aback. That was the last thing I’d expected him to say. “You’re the most logical choice,” I said slowly. “Deny it all you want, but I’d be stupid to take you at your word without a shred of proof.”
He tilted his head in a strange, almost archaic kind of nod. It was a jarring reminder of who and what he was. “I wouldn’t ask you to. But if you’d like, you can ask Henry. I’ve never been involved in the testing process for obvious reasons. You’re my friend, and I’d never hurt you.”
“Is that why I’ve survived so long?” I said waspishly. “Because we’re friends?”
His expression darkened. “I told you, I’m not the killer. You should know me well enough for that.”
“Lately it doesn’t seem like I know you at all,” I snapped, and he at least had the decency to look sheepish.
“You’ve survived so long because everyone’s gone to extraordinary measures to keep you safe,” he said. “The guards, the escorts, the food tasters—you have no idea how closely you’re being watched.”
A shiver ran down my spine. “After a century, you people really have no idea who’s doing this? I thought gods were supposed to be omniscient.”
He laughed, but it was hollow. “Wouldn’t that be nice? It’d solve a whole host of problems. But no, we’re not. We’ve followed leads, changed out the staff, interrogated everyone involved, but nothing’s come up. Henry’s even gone down to the Underworld to interview the girls who were murdered, but they never saw it coming.”
I frowned. As difficult as me being in danger was for Henry, I couldn’t imagine how much it must’ve hurt him to talk to the girls who had died because of this. Whom he undoubtedly thought had died because of him.
“So what?” I said exasperatedly to mask my fear. “If you guys can’t come up with something, there’s no hope for me figuring it out, so why are you telling me this?”
“Because I want you to be safe,” he said. “You don’t have to trust me in order to at least listen to what I’m saying and do what you have to do to protect yourself. Henry’s cut off every method the killer’s used to attack before. All that means is they’ll try something else. Henry knows it, we all know it, and you should as well.”
“Great,” I said, rolling my eyes. “So instead of poisoned food, I should be on the lookout for a swarm of killer bees? An anvil that’s about to fall on my head? What?”
“Anything,” he said. “Anything out of the ordinary. And if you ever suspect something might be up, get out of there, okay? I don’t care how much they seem to like you. Someone in that place wants you dead, and if you want to have any chance of survival, you can’t ever forget that.”
I didn’t respond. I’d adjusted to living in Eden Manor, and while it wasn’t perfect, at least I wasn’t miserable anymore. But the thought that the person who was trying to kill me might’ve been someone I knew—and knew well—shook my confidence more than I wanted to admit. For the first time, I really understood that it wasn’t just my mother’s life and Henry’s life on the line. Mine was, too.
“Why are you telling me this?” I said quietly as thunder shook the air. “If I die, Henry will fade, and you’ll get everything you want.”
He stared at the ground. “Not everything.”
Before I could contemplate whether he meant losing Henry or losing me, the sky
opened up, and for the first time in my dreams, it started to pour.
“Promise me you’ll stay safe,” he said over the rain. “Promise me you won’t do anything reckless.”
I nodded. No matter how desperate I was to find some small piece of happiness in the remaining shreds of my life, I wasn’t willing to die for it. For my mother, yes; but not myself.
“Thank you,” he said, his shoulders sagging with relief. “I’ll see you in the spring. And Kate?”
I looked at him, silent as the park began to fade.
“I am sorry,” he said, and it was the last thing I heard before the darkness closed in around me.
Even though I was still furious with James, when I woke up gasping alone in my bed, I couldn’t help but think that while I was fighting so hard to save my mother’s life and Henry’s, maybe all James was trying to do was fight to save mine.
Christmas was the one holiday my mother and I celebrated, and it was always festive. Back in New York, our tiny apartment could barely hold a tree, but we’d shoved one into the corner of the living room anyway and spent hours decorating it. A little piece of nature in a metal jungle, she would say as we stood back to admire our efforts after we were done.
The towering Christmas trees spread throughout Eden Manor made our apartment trees look like twigs. Almost overnight they seemed to crop up all over the manor, and for weeks the smell of sugar cookies lingered in the corridors. The staff was giddy with excitement, and there was a sense of joy in the air that I couldn’t shake, even on my bad days. I’d expected them to celebrate the winter solstice instead, but Ella made it clear they would celebrate Christmas for me.
It didn’t escape me that none of the other girls had survived past Christmas, and despite how angry I was with James, I made an effort to never be alone. But the closer Christmas came, the scarcer Henry became, and that made it difficult. During the autumn, he occasionally joined me around the manor, but now the only time I saw him was in the evenings. Even then, things were as bad as ever, and despite my mother’s advice, for the life of me I couldn’t figure out how to give him the purpose he needed. Survive past Christmas, I hoped, but there was no guarantee that would work. I didn’t allow myself to consider the possibility that I might not make it.
But I did know I wanted him to have a happy Christmas. The entire household was supposed to have dinner together, and while that was a nice start, I wanted to show him the kind of Christmas my mother and I had together. Maybe if I invited him into a private part of my life, he would return the favor—or at the very least not scowl at me anymore. And, selfishly, I didn’t want to spend Christmas alone.
On Christmas Eve day, a giant tree showed up in my room while I was eating breakfast, along with two large boxes of decorations. My lessons were canceled due to the holiday, so I dragged Ava into my room to help me before we both had to get ready for dinner. When Henry wasn’t around, she was the only one I trusted enough to be alone with for any length of time. After all, she hadn’t been there for the other girls, and I was reasonably sure she wasn’t going to try to kill me for not accepting Henry’s offer on the autumn equinox.
Come early afternoon, however, I was beginning to regret inviting her.
“If I’m late for my date with Xander tonight, I am personally blaming you,” said Ava grumpily as she tugged at a tangled string of lights. Nearby, my puppy, now called Pogo, watched us both with interest.
“Don’t pull so hard,” I said, bounding over a pile of tinsel to save the lights from Ava’s brutality. “They’re delicate. And you won’t be late—I thought you were dating Theo?”
“Not anymore,” she said in a singsong voice. “I got back together with Xander, and he invited me to his room for our own private party instead of the banquet.”
I didn’t ask. “Here, help me with this.” I offered her one end of the lights and deftly undid the knot. “Now go around to the back—don’t step on the ornaments! Yes, just like that.”
She held still as I arranged the lights, though I had to use a hook to decorate the highest branches. “What are you and Henry going to do tonight anyway?”
“My secret,” I said, and when I walked around to see the look on her face, I rolled my eyes. “Not that. What are you and Xander going to do?”
“That.” She gave me an impish look, and I scowled. “What? I’m dead. It’s not like it matters anymore.”
“Don’t screw with them, Ava.” I bent down to collect some of the delicate glass ornaments and ignored the image of Henry and Persephone that rose to the forefront of my mind. I needed to believe that Ava wouldn’t do that to someone she loved. “I mean it. This isn’t a game. Henry doesn’t react well to people messing around like that, and the last thing you want to do is piss him off. Please. For me.” I was already teetering on the edge of failure as it was. “Here, take some of these.”
Ava took the ornaments and started hanging them haphazardly, clustering them together or placing them on branches that bent dangerously with the added weight. I grimaced and started to rearrange them. We continued on like that for a few minutes, until finally Ava whirled around to face me. Startled, I dropped the ornament I was holding, and it landed on the bit of carpet I’d put down for exactly that reason.
“You think I’m a slut, don’t you?”
“What?” I said, taking in her flushed cheeks and red eyes. She was seconds away from crying. “Why do you think I think that?”
“Because.” She turned back to hanging ornaments, shaking the whole tree as she tugged. After another ornament fell, she sat down heavily on the floor. “I think Xander only likes me ’cause I’ll sleep with him.”
“Why do you think that?” I said carefully as I knelt down beside her. Chances were good that she was right, but that didn’t mean it was the only reason. Except for Henry, all of the guys eyed her everywhere she went, so I wasn’t sure what else she’d been expecting.
“I don’t know,” she said. “He never talks to me. He’ll talk at me or show me things or kiss me, but if I don’t sleep with him, he suddenly finds other things to do. Or he’ll try to make me jealous with other girls.”
“Then he’s a jerk,” I said flatly. “And you’re better off without him.”
She sniffed. “You think?”
“Yeah, I think.” I paused. “What about Theo? He was nice, wasn’t he?”
Ava rolled her eyes. “He was so protective, it was like he never let me breathe. But yeah,” she added softly, “he was nice. Sensitive, but nice.”
“Then why don’t you break up with Xander?” I said. “Especially if you’ll be happier without him.”
“But I wouldn’t be.” She looked at me tearfully. “It’s lonely here, Kate, you know that. You’re so busy all the time, and Ella doesn’t like me, and I don’t like Calliope, and—if I don’t have Xander, who else do I have?”
I tried to think of the right words to say, but nothing came. Ava was as alone here as I was, and while we had each other, sort of, she’d suffered just as much of a loss as I had when she’d died. She’d lost her parents, and even though she was hiding it well, it was moments like these that reminded me.
“I’m sorry,” I said, hugging her. “Even if I’m busy sometimes, I’m always here for you, and you’ll always have me. I promise. Just be careful, okay?”
She didn’t react for several seconds, but when she did, she buried her face in the crook of my neck and wrapped her arms around me. Her shoulders shook and her breath came in gasps as she started to cry properly, and I rubbed her back as soothingly as I could, wishing I were better with this sort of thing. No one I’d known back in New York had ever broken down like this in front of me. But it seemed to help, so I stayed still, waiting for her to cry herself out.
Finally she loosened her grip and pulled back enough to look at me. When I saw the pout on her face, I knew that the worst had passed. “How can we be friends when you won’t even let me teach you how to swim?” she said, delicately wiping her eyes.
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“That doesn’t work on me, Ava,” I warned. “I don’t care how much practice you’ve had on your boyfriends.”
Her shoulders slumped again, and I sighed.
“I don’t want to learn how to swim—not because I don’t like you or want to spend time with you, but because I’m afraid of the water. It isn’t some easy thing for me to jump on in and learn, okay?”
Her eyes widened. “You’re afraid of the water? Honest to God afraid?”
She was determined to make this as embarrassing as possible. “Terrified,” I said. “When I was four or five, I thought it’d be fun to swim in the lake at Central Park, and I jumped in and sank like a rock. My mother had to jump in and save me. Ever since, I can’t bring myself to try.”
Speaking about my mother so casually made my throat tighten, but luckily Ava didn’t seem to notice. Instead she eyed me calculatingly, and I knew I was in trouble.
“Tell you what,” she said, straightening up. “When the weather gets warmer, I’ll teach you how to swim, and you can…I don’t know. I’ll owe you a huge favor, how about that?”
“There isn’t anything you could possibly offer me that would make me willing to get in the water.” I stood again and picked up the ornaments. There were only a few left, and nestled underneath was a small, heart-shaped box wrapped in delicate pink tissue paper. On a tag in flowery script was my name. Frowning, I picked it up. “Is this from you?”
Ava eyed it. “No. Where’d you find it?”
“With the ornaments.” I untied the ribbon, but Ava snatched it out of my hand. “Hey—”
“Don’t touch it,” she said, setting it on the bed as if it were a bomb about to go off. “You don’t know where it came from.”
Irritated, I turned back to the ornaments. “It’s a Christmas present, Ava. Ever heard of them?” James’s warning rang in my head, but all I’d tried to do was unwrap it. I wasn’t stupid enough to eat something or put it on without knowing where it came from. Besides, maybe there was a signed card inside. “Yours is under the bed, if you want it.”