My Hometown

by SJD Peterson

When Jimmy left to attend the University of Chicago, it had been a turbulent time in Eric’s head and heart. He liked to think he’d been mature for his years at nineteen. His work ethic, plans for the future, and patience definitely had been the acts and thoughts of a mature man. His emotional age, on the other hand, had not even been fucking close to mature, and in many ways that was still true. He didn’t understand some of the shit that would pop into his head, especially where Jimmy was concerned, but then again, it had pretty much been that way since puberty kicked in. It was a secret he’d kept even from Jimmy. He had a sneaking suspicion Mom knew, not because Eric had ever revealed it to her, nor had she ever asked. But because she was a mom and somehow they seemed to have a sixth sense that tapped into their children’s secrets. It was really quite unnerving how Mom could figure stuff out, even a guy’s deepest secrets. It must be a prereq for motherhood.

  Running Halter Ranch was a no-brainer. He never wanted to do anything but live and love on the land he was born and raised on. His plans made his father beyond happy, given the paths his older sons followed. It was the love part that still fucked with Eric’s head.

  Did he love Jimmy? Hell, yeah he loved him. He couldn’t remember a time when Jimmy hadn’t been a part of his life. As Jimmy had been a part of his life longer than Josh, he should be able to relegate his best friend under the heading of family. But the feelings Jimmy invoked in him sometimes were far from brotherly. Not only were they fucked-up feelings in the whole family sense but fucked up to a greater degree in that he wasn’t gay, he wouldn’t even go as far as to say he was bisexual. He loved women, loved the way they looked, the way they smelled, the soft feel of their skin, and seducing a woman and getting her into his bed definitely got him hard. It had many times in the past.

  Problem was, he couldn’t really call himself straight either since he’d enjoyed way too many jerk-off sessions with Jimmy in the starring role. The more he tried to figure himself out, the more he realized how much he hated fucking labels. He didn’t fit in any of them. Unless there was one called sick motherfucker, because he supposed his feelings for Jimmy, who was like a brother, qualified Eric for that box.

  “You going to come inside?”

  Eric startled when his mom laid a hand on his arm, and he blinked rapidly at her, trying to figure out where the hell he was. He’d been so lost in thought he hadn’t even remembered driving home, parking, and when the fuck had Dad gone in the house. He gave himself an internal shake.

  “Yeah, I’m coming.” He cut the engine, and when Mom stepped back, he rolled up the window and exited the truck. Mom stared at him with a curious expression the entire time. “What?”

  “Wow, Jimmy’s homecoming has really messed you up, hasn’t it?” she asked gently.

  Eric leaned back against the truck and pulled his pack of smokes from his pocket. He tapped one out and slid it between his lips. “You mind if we talk about this over a cup of coffee and a stiff drink?” he asked and then lit up.

  “Finish your cancer stick, I’ll get the coffee started.”

  “And pour the whiskey.” He blew out a long stream of smoke. “On second thought, just set the bottle and a glass on the table.”

  Mom waved a dismissive hand over her shoulder without looking back. Eric knew she didn’t approve of the smoking and the alcohol, but he also knew the bottle and glass would be sitting there when he went in.

  As much as he needed to work through the messed-up shit in his head, there was no way he was going to do it without the assistance of alcohol. He walked around the truck to the passenger side, then opened the door and retrieved the extra pack of smokes from the glove box. Luckily it was a nice night, because for this conversation, Mom was going to have to join him on the porch, deal with the smoke stench, the alcohol, and the emotional outbursts.

  He took one last long pull from his smoke, dropped it, and crushed it under his boot before heading in. Hope Mom had a nap today, because it was no doubt going to be a very, very long night.

  Chapter Nine

  RUBBING THE sleep from his eyes, Jimmy walked into the kitchen, surprised to see his mom and dad sitting at the kitchen table sipping coffee. “What are you two doing up so early? Y’all are retired, remember?”

  “I ain’t retired yet, and it ain’t an excuse to get lazy,” Dad grumbled, then shook his paper and went back to reading it.

  “Sit down, I’ll get you a cup.” Mom was up and out of her seat reaching for the coffeepot before he could protest.

  Jimmy sat down as he’d been told. “You done with the sports section?”

  “Reading it now. I’ll give it to ya in a minute,” Dad informed him.

  “Here ya go.” Mom set a cup of steaming coffee in front of him. She sat next to him and pushed the sugar and creamer dishes within his reach.

  “Thanks.” He added two heaping spoonfuls of sugar and a little cream and then brought the mug to his lips and blew on it before taking a tentative sip.

  “I didn’t expect to see you up so early. Not with the late night you had.”

  “I was asleep by eleven.”

  “Oh well, I could have sworn I heard you come in at two this morning.”

  “That was Oliver. He went out with some of the boring faculty from the history department to celebrate his new position.” First week at the university and leave it to Oliver to already have set up his social calendar.

  “You didn’t want to celebrate with him?”

  The coffee burned the shit out of his tongue and he added more cream and stirred it long after it was mixed to help cool it down. He really needed a fix of caffeine. “Uh, no. Did you hear me say it was with boring faculty? I would have been bored out of my mind. I know nothing of world or ancient history, or American history, for that matter.” Plus Oliver didn’t invite me. Not that he would have gone anyway, but still.

  “He hasn’t been here much this week. Busy, huh?” Mom inquired.

  “Yeah, it’s always a bit crazy to start a new job. Classes start next week so he’s trying to make sure everything is prepared before the students show up.”

  “Mmm-hmm,” Mom hummed against her coffee cup.

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “I was just agreeing with you. It must be very busy.”

  “It is, but I know that tone,” he pointed out.

  Mom glanced over in Dad’s direction; he was still hidden behind the headlines. She didn’t say anything, but Jimmy knew if Dad wasn’t sitting there, she would say what was on her mind. And honestly, he didn’t really want to get into it this morning. Yes, starting a new job was very time consuming, the half-hour commute each way adding to the day. But old fears were beginning to creep their way into Jimmy’s psyche, and Oliver staying out late each night wasn’t doing a damn thing to calm them.

  “It must be tough maintaining a strong relationship when you don’t get to see each other very much. When do you have to start at the hospital? I can imagine that’s going to put even more of a strain.”

  “Not for a while yet and we deal,” Jimmy said curtly.

  “Boy, don’t take that tone with your mama,” Dad chastised without lowering the paper.

  “Yes, sir. Sorry, Mom, I’m tired.” He scratched his belly and yawned big for effect. “I think I’ll take my second cup in a to-go mug. I need to go feed the dogs and then help Scott.” He pushed to his feet.

  “Go and get your boots on. I’ll bring it out to the porch for you.” Mom wasn’t offering, she was telling, and he wasn’t inclined to argue.

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  Jimmy sat down in one of the old rockers and pulled his boots on, then ran both hands through his hair and hung his head. Everything was so fucked up. Nothing about moving home was what he’d expected or hoped for. It was his own foolish fault that things weren’t right with Eric. He’d been stupid to think they’d just pick back up where they had left off years ago. He hadn’t been much of a friend, and the old saying was true, you had to be a friend to ha
ve a friend. His only solace was with time and a lot of ass kissing, he knew he and Eric would get back to rights. He wouldn’t accept anything less. He’d learned his lesson.

  Oliver was a whole other kind of problem. Oliver didn’t fit in; Jimmy knew coming into this that he wouldn’t. What Jimmy hadn’t anticipated was the way he felt justified or maybe even glad that he’d been right. How horrible was that? Jesus H. Christ, he wasn’t only a bad friend, he was a horrible human being.

  “It’s not the end of the world, you know,” Mom commented. “Here, this will help.”

  Jimmy lifted his head to find Mom holding out a large stainless steel mug.

  “Ah, thank you, oh caffeine goddess.”

  Mom took the chair next to him. “You know, all the caffeine in the world isn’t going to help what’s ailing you. There’s a lot more going on in that head of yours than just sleep deprivation. My guess it would be Eric and Oliver causing those dark circles under your eyes and your sourpuss expression.”

  “I think I may have finally figured it out. I suck as a human being.”

  “Little dramatic, don’t you think?”

  “A little perhaps, but unfortunately it’s true. I hate what’s going on with Eric and me. Hate it with a passion, but I know we’ll work it out. Oliver, though, I think…. I don’t even know what I think anymore. I made a terrible choice.”

  “You’re regretting moving home? If you don’t—”

  “No, Mom, it’s not that. Y’all are set to leave next week and I want you to go. I want to be here. It’s just, this shit with Eric, the way I feel about Oliver, the new ideas for the farm, residency. I’m afraid I’ve bitten off way more than I can chew and I feel like I’m choking.”

  “That’s understandable, but you’ve always done your best work when you were under pressure. It’s what makes you an amazing doctor,” she said gently. “You don’t have to worry about the farm, Scott has been running this place for years. And I have no doubt you and Eric will work it out. As far as what’s going on with you and Oliver, I can’t answer that. I don’t know the details of your relationship and I don’t want to know. That’s between you and him. What I do know is it’s just like with Eric, if you love him, it will work out too.”

  “What if I don’t want it to?” He hung his head. “What if I never wanted it to?”

  “You already know the answer to that. You’ll do the right thing, Jimmy.” Mom stood and placed a kiss to the back of his head. “Now go feed those hounds, I gotta go start breakfast.”

  Jimmy lifted his head and met his mom’s gaze. “Yeah, all right. But can I ask you something first?”

  “Of course.”

  “Do you think I took advantage of you and Dad by bringing Oliver here?”

  Mom’s brow wrinkled up and she frowned. “What would even make you ask that? Of course I don’t feel that way and I know your dad doesn’t either.”

  “It’s nothing. I told you my head was all messed up. I’m overthinking things. Ignore me.”

  “Never.”

  “Fine, but don’t have me committed just yet, then, eh?”

  “Nah, I’ll just put you down in the root cellar. Nothing you can hurt yourself on down there.”

  “Jeez, thanks, Mom.”

  “You’re welcome,” she said with a wink and headed inside.

  Jimmy didn’t rush right off to feed the dogs. They hadn’t even started howling yet so he had a few moments, and fuck, he needed those moments alone. As much as it helped to talk to Mom, it hadn’t produced any solutions to his current dilemma. What the hell had he been thinking to bring Oliver to his hometown? He knew, or should have fucking known, it was a bad move. Oliver’s selfish behavior and attitude were quickly returning; the only difference now was that Jimmy was being just as selfish. Two wrongs didn’t make a right, no matter how many ways you looked at it.

  He was beginning to understand that he and Oliver had made a rash decision based on the honeymoon high their troubled relationship had been on. They really needed to sit down, have a heart-to-heart, reevaluate those decisions, and make ones that were beneficial to them both.

  Jimmy pushed up out of his chair and headed out to feed the dogs. He and Oliver would talk right after the rodeo that night, and they’d either work it out or they wouldn’t. Simple as that. The sad thing was, he couldn’t really say which scenario he wanted most.

  Chapter Ten

  THE CALLS of “Step right up and try your luck,” flashing lights on scary-looking rides that appeared to be from the seventies, and the scents of elephant ears and cotton candy hadn’t changed in the twenty-plus years since Jimmy started attending the annual festival, and it still brought a smile to his face.

  “You want to ride some rides first?” Jimmy asked Oliver, who seemed to be taking everything in like a kid in awe.

  Oliver’s gaze had been constantly scanning the crowds since they’d walked through the gates. With Jimmy’s question, it landed on the Ferris wheel, and he gave Jimmy one of those looks that screamed “Are you stupid?” God he was beginning to hate that fucking look.

  “Umm, no,” Oliver sniffed.

  That damn haughty attitude was another thing that was beginning to grate on Jimmy’s nerves. He’d tried to be understanding; it was tough moving to a new town. It had to be all the harder moving from a bustling metropolis like Chicago to the backward country pace of Hale, but they’d made this decision together and he was fucking sick of feeling guilty for Oliver’s depression, which was manifesting itself in Oliver’s completely asshole persona as of late.

  Jimmy swallowed down his frustrated sigh and checked his watch. They still had a couple of hours before the start of the rodeo, the only thing that seemed to get Oliver excited lately.

  “How about we check out the 4-H exhibits and then we can wander over to check out the bulls and broncos?” he suggested.

  “Okay, sure, whatever.” Oliver pulled his brush from his satchel and ran it through his hair and then pulled it back with a strip of leather. “Lord, I will never get used to this heat.”

  “You haven’t had your hair cut since we moved here. I can introduce you to Tommy if you’d like.”

  “You don’t like my hair?”

  “I didn’t say that,” Jimmy corrected. “You’ve never let your hair grow this long and I figured it was because you didn’t know the barber in town.”

  “It would be over my dead body before I stepped into that place.” He waved his hand in a random pattern toward Jimmy’s head. “It’s fine for that.”

  Jimmy clamped his mouth shut on the “Fuck you” that threatened to spew from him, clenching his teeth so tight his molars felt as if they’d shatter. This wasn’t the time or the place to start screaming and bitching.

  “How about a visit to the petting zoo?”

  “You go ahead. I’m going to use the little boy’s room, get something cold to drink, and find a spot to do some people watching.” His bitchy demeanor suddenly shifted, and he was all smiles when he leaned into Jimmy and rubbed the small of his back.

  Jimmy started to offer to go with Oliver but stopped short when it hit him: he really didn’t want to hang out with Oliver while he was in his full Sybil mode. The idea of wandering the fairgrounds without him was extremely appealing.

  “You want to meet up at the rodeo, then?”

  “That’d be great.” Oliver pecked Jimmy’s cheek. “Enjoy the petting zoo, sweets. See you at sevenish.”

  Oliver strolled off and was lost in the heavy crowd within seconds. Jimmy took the first full breath since they’d arrived at the fairgrounds, and the tension drained from him as soon as Oliver was gone.

  Jimmy pulled his soft-bill cap from his back pocket and set it on his head low over his eyes and went in search of more desirable companionship. Wandering through the animal exhibits, he ran into people he knew from town and made small talk with acquaintances from high school. It was friendly and cordial, but there was a reason they hadn’t made it to his future. Still,
he was enjoying himself even if he did look like a total loser being the only person at the fair going it solo. Remarkably it was still better than hanging out with Oliver.

  Jimmy squatted down near a pigmy goat and scratched its ears. “What does that mean?”

  “Some might say talking to strange animals is a mild form of psychosis.”

  Jimmy tilted his head up to find Charlotte standing next to him and smiled up at her. “Only if one expects the animal to respond.” He pushed up from his crouched position.

  “Do you?”

  “I wish. Sure would make relationships a lot easier to deal with. How are you?”

  “Apparently better than you. Where’s your boyfriend?” she asked, scanning the area around them with her lips pursed.

  Jimmy didn’t realize he’d given anything away, but apparently Charlotte picked up on the conflicting feelings Oliver was producing in Jimmy when she said, “Oh, sorry. I may have only met him once, but I knew he wasn’t for you.” She patted the goat’s head and moved to the next exhibit.

  Jimmy followed. “You couldn’t tell that from a two-minute conversation.”

  “I knew it the second he walked through the door and began squealing about mini jellies.”

  “Whatever.”

  “No, really,” Charlotte insisted. She ran her fingers along the wire of another goat cage and stopped at a stall full of pink piglets. “I’ve known you since we were kids. You’ve never been one to toot your own horn nor were you one inclined to put on the fake flash in order to sit at the cool kid table.”

  Jimmy pushed up his cap and ran the back of his hand over his damp brow, the air in the barn heavy with humidity. “We’re not in high school anymore, Charlotte,” he pointed out.

  “Tell that to your boyfriend.”

  “What the hell does that mean? Why does everyone think Oliver is so fake?”

  Charlotte stared at him for a moment and then shrugged. “You have to ask yourself why you’re the only one who doesn’t see it. It’s like you’re wearing him as an accessory, or maybe a neon sign.”