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"But that's what you did when you left." Confused by the tenderness she felt, Katherine eased her hand away and stepped back until she was standing against the counter. "You turned your back on all of us.'*
He shook his head. "I did the best I could. It was a lousy solution, but I never really turned my back. I sent you money; I tried to come to you in December. And I thought about us— how we could both change, and start again . . . Katherine, listen to me. I love you. There was a time when we had so much together, we did so much for each other—you haven't forgotten that."
"No," she replied. Studying his face, she thought he had changed. He was stronger, more open and direct, without having lost the gentieness she had loved. And he looked so much like Todd she found herself wanting to comfort him.
"I'm asking for another chance," he said. "For the children, for the years and energy we've invested in each other, for the good things we did for each other. We can build something together that we could have had from the beginning, if I hadn't been such a fool, and if you'd been more involved . . ."
Katherine was dizzy under the hanuner blows of his reasons. And the question came to her—why not? He'd learned, he'd changed, he was her husband, he was Jennifer's and Todd's father—and surely this tenderness she felt was more than pity . . . wasn't it just as likely a revival of memories, and a renewal of the love she had felt, or the first step back to it?
Watching her intently, Craig said again, "Another chance. To make up to you and the children for what I did—"
"Craig," Katherine said faintly. "Give me a minute to catch my breath. You're piling everything on—"
"I'm fighting for my life!" he said. "Can't you see that?"
"No," she answered as another memory returned. "I thought I did. I believed you. But—all this talk about change—even now you aren't being honest with me."
"What does that mean? After I went through that whole story—tore myself apart over it—told you about everything—"
"Except Elissa."
He stiffened. His shoulders drew together, his face became snKMth and blank, as if he were a deaf person pushing through
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a crowded street. Finally he said, "What are you talking about?"
"Craig!" Katherine cried. "Don't run away!"
Another minute went by. Stiffly, he shook his head, looking past her. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"Oh, Craig." She moved in front of him to force him to look at her, but he turned his head. They stood that way as the silent moments passed, Craig's features rigid and stubbornly defensive. Poor, frightened Craig, Katherine thought. And with that, the same feeling swept through her that had lifted and carried her along when she left Derek in Ghirardelli Square. She was free.
She knew all the stories, now; all the evasions. She knew she had played a part in them, but she also knew that she had learned enough, grown up enough, to leave that passive child-wife behind forever. But Craig still created his evasions, weaving them into a screen of lies and silences that shut out reality whenever he could not face it. And he would never change.
"I spent a day with Elissa, in Calgary," she told him. Drooping with fatigue, she did not even try to soften it. "I liked her; we liked each other. She's still in love with you. Your carving of the turtle with the little boy is still on the table in front of the couch. All the mementoes of your times together are still there. Her little boy had a hard time when you left. He missed you. Probably as much as Todd and Jennifer did."
Craig's shoulders slumped. He sat down again, turning his coffee mug around in his hands. "She promised me she'd never call you."
"She kept her promise. She never called any of us. Ross found her."
Dully, Craig echoed her words. " 'Ross found her. She never called any of us. Any of us.'" His head came up; he looked at her accusingly. "You've lined up with them."
"This isn't a war," Katherine shot back. 'They're my family. And yours, if you'd let them be."
He shook his head. "1 can't be part of them."
"But you don't know what's happened; there have been so many changes—"
"I don't want to know! Can't you understand? I've cut them out of my life; I don't want to know anything about them! I got over them! It took years, but I got over feeling sick from
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missing them, mostly because I had you to love me and help me make a new family. Katherine, you're all I want—you and the children—"
"And Elissa."
"My God, can't you let go? You have changed. Not just your hair and the way you walk and hold yourself—you've gotten hard. You used to be soft and loving and grateful, but that's all gone."
"Is it?"
"You act like you don't want anyone to care for you; you don't need anyone ..."
/ need Ross.
"Hank gave me your message; he told me you were waiting for me. What did that mean?"
"I had to talk to you."
'To finish our marriage. Right? That was how Ross put it."
'To finish with the past. I wasn't reaDy sure about our marriage." Katherine hesttated. '*Craig," she said sofdy. "When you left us, why didn't you go to EHssa?"
He shook his head.
"Because you love her. That's right, isn't it? You couldn't go to her because you couldn't tell her what you'd done." He sat still, and Katherine sighed. "Earlier tonight you said you didn't have to talk about your family, you didn't even think about them as long as you had me. That wasn't true. You never stopped thinking about them, you had to talk about them, and so you went to Ehssa. And after a while, you fell in love with her. Why can't you face that?"
"I love you," he said. "I came back because you told Hank you were waiting for me. /'m asking for help. I keep running away from things—I just did it again, didn't I, trying to deny Elissa? You were leaning toward me—I saw it in your face— until I . . . ran away again. Katherine, I want to repair some of the damage I've done, but I can't do it alone. Don't make me do it alone. Stay with me; help me."
"I can't. I'm sorry, Craig." Katherine felt her tears again. He wasn't evil or cruel or even bad; he was a good man too easily overwhelmed by events. He was a man she no longer loved. "We'll do everything we can to help you. Whatever you need, we'll give you—"
"You're speaking for the family?"
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"Yes."
"You mean you're choosing Ross."
"I mean I can't go with you; I can't live with you."
Craig pushed back his chair and «tood up. "Just a minute." Katherine watched him close the door of the bathroom behind him. Her muscles ached, her head ached, and she walked through the living room to the front door, opening it to feel the cool, damp air on her face. The sky had grown light; she looked at her watch. Six o'clock. We talked more in the last six hours, she thought, than in all the years of our marriage.
Craig came out of the bathroom and stood beside her. "And the children?" he asked.
"They love you. Wherever you are, they'll come to you, as often as possible, and spend time with you—"
"Visits."
After a moment, she said, "A lot of children do that, these days."
"But they'd be visiting. I wanted to live with them again."
She felt a tug of impatience. "You'll see a lot more of them than you have in the past year and a half."
"Right," he said. "You're right. I deserved that." He went to the door of the bedroom. "I'll just take a quick look goodbye. I won't wake them—I'm not ready to talk to them—^I have to figure out what to say. But when I've decided where I'll be, and when I'm settled, you'll let them come?"
"As often as possible."
He nodded. "Yes, you said that." He stood in the doorway, as he had hours before. "They curl up in their sleep. I remember that. But they're growing so fast. Jeimy is going to be as beautiful as her mother. And Todd . . . Todd looks like me, doesn't heT'
Distantly, a foghorn sounded. "Dad
!" Todd shouted. "Dad!" Katherine saw Craig bend down and take in his arms the pa-jama'd form that flung itself at him.
"Daddy?" Jennifer asked. Her voice was clouded with sleep and doubt. Instead of dashing to him as Todd had done, she appeared in the doorway, frowning, reaching out to touch Craig's arm, testing its solidity.
"Hello, dear Jenny," Craig said softly.
Wordlessly, she put up both arms. Craig knelt and held his children, his eyes meeting Katherine's over their tousled heads,
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accusing her. They love me, his eyes said. And you want to keep us apart.
"Where's your suitcase?" asked Todd as they sat on the couch. "Where are you going to put everything? We'll have to move, now, won't we, Mom? Are we going back to Canada?"
Jennifer looked at her mother and then at her father. "You're not staying," she said flatly.
"He is too!" Todd cried. "You are, aren't you. Dad?"
"No," Craig said. "I'd like to but I can't. Your mother—"
Katherine caught her breath. Don't run away from it, she begged silently. Don't blame it all on me. Face it, Craig. Please.
"Why aren't you?" Todd demanded.
"Are you going to get a divorce?" Jennifer asked.
"We haven't talked about it." Craig's skin was tight over his face, like a mask; his mouth worked. And then a long sigh broke from him. "But, you see, I left all of you—which was a terrible thing to do—and then I stayed away too long. And your mother and I changed. People do change, you know," he said, looking directly at Katherine. "We really aren't the same people we were. It's nobody's fault, but it happened. So that's what we're going to do. Get a divorce."
"Shit," muttered Todd, and no one scolded him.
After a moment, Jennifer asked, "Why did you go away?"
"Because I got myself into a mess and didn't know how to get out. I was scared. Too scared even to ask your mother to help me. It wasn't very smart. In fact, it was smpid. If you're lucky enough to have people love you, you ought to be smart enough to let them help you when you need it."
Katherine sat on the arm of the couch and touched Craig's cheek. 'Thank you," she said softly. "I wish—"
He looked up quickly, but she stopped. It was too late for them. She clasped her hands in her lap.
Todd scowled, furiously blinking back his tears. "What's going to happen to all of us?"
"I'm going back to Canada," Craig answered. "And as soon as I find a place to live, with an extra bedroom, you'll come for a visit. Lots of visits. All you have to do is tell me when you want to come, and I'll be ready."
"Like Carrie and Jon," said Jennifer. "They see Ross a lot." 526
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"Ross has children," Craig murmured. "Funny; in my mind he's still twenty years old, a college kid. Do you see them often?" he asked Jennifer.
"Sort of."
He gave a small smile. "It's all right if you like Ross, Jenny. He and I grew up together, you know. I always thought he was ... I loved Ross and my sister better than any other people in the world. That was a long time ago."
Abruptly, Katherine turned away. Nothing is simple, she thought.
"We love him, too," Jennifer said. "Not the same as you. Different."
Craig nodded. "I'll bet he loves you, too. Hold on." He took his arms from their shoulders and stood up, wiping his eyes with his handkerchief. No one moved. Then he turned briskly. "If I'm going to fmd a place to live, I'd better start. I have a lot to do. I'll call you very soon—"
"When?" Todd demanded.
"In a day or two, as soon as I've decided what I'm going to do."
*Tonight," Todd insisted.
Smiling, Craig leaned over to kiss them both. "I won't disappear again. But I'll call you tonight, if you want. And tomorrow. And as often as you like. I'll even write to you if you promise to write back."
Jennifer and Todd looked at each other. "We're not much good at writing letters," said Todd.
'Then you need practice," Craig declared. "Now, would you do something for me?" They nodded watchfully. "Go on into your bedroom. I want to say goodbye to your mother."
Todd sprang up and threw his arms around him. "You'll call tonight."
"I promise," Craig replied, holding him tight. "I love you, Todd." He let him go and held Jennifer. "Goodbye, my lovely Jenny. I'll see you soon."
When they were gone, he said, "They're so wonderful. Like their mother." He cleared his throat and tried to smile as he and Katherine walked to the door. "A man couldn't ask for a better family. And I threw it away. Dear God, Katherine" —he put his arms around her— "isn't there any way—?"
"No." She raised her hand to brush the hair back from his 527
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forehead, as she had done countless times in their years together. "You were wonderful, with them. Thank you." He grimaced. "What difference does it make? It*s too late." "Not for the life you make from now on. And I'll help you, any way I can." She smiled. "You can tell me anything now. I'll be here, if you need to talk—" "But that's all," he said.
"That's all. But I care about you. You'll always have that." He tightened his hold, pulling her close again, and Katherine put her arms around him, her cheek against his. They stood that way, without speaking, as the air grew hghter and the fog pushed in from the ocean, and then they moved apart, and in another moment he was gone.
Chapter 23
J. HE night was so quiet Ross heard his footsteps echo through the house and out to the hushed coolness of the deck. He had tried to sleep and given up; some nights were worse than others, and this night, for some reason, seemed the worst of all: filled with longings and memories.
In the living room he poured himself a drink, then wandered through the rooms, turning lights on and off, seeing Katherine wherever he looked.
In his bedroom, an enlarged, framed photograph stood on the dresser: Katherine, on the boat, her hair lifted by the wind, her eyes laughing into his. Beside it was another, snapped surreptitiously by Carrie on the terrace in Menton: Ross and Katherine in conversation, absorbed in each other, smiling, in love. He ran his fmger along the glass over their two faces. Katherine.
On the living room desk was a lucite paperweight Katherine had made in the shape of a curved sail; engraved on it was a sketch of Ross's boat, with a seagull wheeling above. Holding the polished curve on his hand, Ross sat on the couch, staring
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at the wall. To take up such a large space in my life, in so short a time . . .
The telephone was beside him. His hand touched it, then drew back. Ridiculous; it was two thirty in the morning; she'd be sound asleep. Besides, he had promised he would not call. He'd gone too far as it was, at the Halloween ball; because he was so damned impatient.
On the table was a book he had bought the day before; he lay back on the couch and opened it. And then suddenly a misty early morning light was coming through the glass doors and Ross awoke, the book still in his hands, and thought, as if he had not slept at all, Katherine.
It was six o'clock. The bridges were shrouded in fog, their towers jutting above it like miniature steeples floating above the clouds. Ross went through his morning routine, hstening to a newscast as he dressed, reading the newspaper while drinking his coffee. And then he left the house.
He was backing his car out of the driveway when a taxi approached. He stopped to let it go by, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel as it slowed to a crawl, but in the next moment he knew. Katherine. And then she was there, opening the door and jumping out before the taxi came to a full stop.
After all the hours of imagining her before him, he could not move. Then he saw her smile. Through the pounding of his heart he took a deep breath and threw open his car door to take long strides across the grass, his eyes on hers.
"Lady?" The taxi driver's voice was rising. "Lady, did you hear me? You owe me—"
"I heard you," said Ross, and pulled out his wallet.
"No," Katherin
e said. "Wait. I have it, I just—for a minute, I didn't hear him."
Ross held out some bills. "Keep it."
The driver's eyes brightened. "No kidding. You want a receipt?"
"No. This is a special occasion."
"No kidding. That's what the lady said."
"Did she," Ross murmured. He put his arm around Katherine to lead her to the house. "You look like you didn't get enough sleep."
"I didn't get any."
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He stopped, his hands on her shoulders, searching her face. "He called? Or came to you?"
"He came about midnight. We talked all night."
"And he left?"
"Yes."
Ross felt his pounding heart slow; he took a long breath, almost weightless with relief and love. With their arms around each other, they walked through the house to the deck. Lxx)king at her pallor, he asked, "Have you had breakfast?"
She shook her head. "Jennifer and Todd had an early rehearsal at school, and I fixed them something, but I wasn't hungry. And I was in a hurry to get here, before you left."
"I would have waited if you'd let me know you were com-mg.
"I didn't want to let you know, I wanted to surprise you."
He laughed sofdy. "And so you did. Wait here; I'll get you some food."
"Just coffee would be fine." When he was gone, Katherine layl)ack on the chaise. "Don't do that," she said aloud. "You'll fall asleep." She forced herself upright, half-closing her eyes against the glare of the sun, floating on the golden light and the early-moming fragrance of roses and carnations. She took off her jacket, the heat flowing through her, making her bones feel liquid. Her head began to droop and then she heard footsteps and opened her eyes to see Ross putting a tray on the table in front of her.
"Orange juice and coffee. I didn't want to take the time for something dramatic, like waffles. Are you all right?"
"I came to propose to you," she said.
"Yes."
"You knew that?"
"I mean, my answer is yes."
She laughed and rested her cheek against his tweed jacket. "I was hoping it would be."
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