by Zavarelli, A
“Why me? Of all the people in the world you could have, why did it have to be me?”
He stared at the ground then up at the sky, as if the answers were up there, out of his reach.
“It couldn’t have been anyone else, Brighton,” he replied in a haunted tone. “Even if I hadn’t been looking for you, there was no way I could have missed you. There’s something about you I can’t explain. But whatever it is, it makes me want you in ways I can’t even describe. It wasn’t because you’re the perfect pawn, even though you are. It was because I wanted you, and nobody else would ever do.”
His words left a bitter taste in my mouth, and a strange ache inside of my chest. But there was warmth too. That was the way it always went with him. Pleasure and pain. They were never two separate entities, but one. And apparently, it didn’t matter to my reptilian brain.
It didn’t matter that he’d openly admitted I was a pawn, or that if I sat back and really thought about what he was doing I would be able to see it for what it was. I couldn’t take a step back from this situation. I was wrapped right up in the midst of it. Somehow, some way, I had landed in Ryland Bennett’s sights, and now all I could do was hold on for the ride.
There was a deep sense of dread when I thought about what would become of me once this was over. Of what would be left. Because, it would end eventually. And when the dust had settled and Ryland had gotten what he wanted and taken his fill of me, I would have Brayden back. But a part of me feared I would be nothing more than an empty shell. Longing for a man who was the worst kind of wrong for me. The kind who would hurt me at any opportunity he got. And it was this very realization that gave me the courage to break from his hold and walk away.
***
“Everything okay?” Nicole asked as I stepped back into the apartment. “You were gone for a long time.”
“Everything’s fine.” I gave her a soft smile. “How are you doing?”
She stared out the floor to ceiling glass windows of our apartment, taking in the view as she did so often. I wished I could pry whatever was bothering her out of her head, but if there was one thing I’d learned about Nicole, it was I couldn’t rush her. I had to let her speak on her own terms, revealing little parts of herself layer by layer. I used to think I was a guarded person. But now that I’d seen the likes of her and Ryland, I knew it wasn’t true.
“It’s just this day,” she explained. “It was the birthday of someone who was very special to me. I mentioned him to you once.”
“Your ex-boyfriend?”
She shook her head. “He wasn’t my ex. We were still together when he passed away.”
I wrapped my arms around myself and squeezed tight, unsure what to say. I’d never been good at comforting people. And I was even less comfortable with the subject of death. I wasn’t sure how to deal with it. The closest I’d come to losing anyone was having my father run out on us when I was a baby. But that was a choice, not a force of circumstance, and I didn’t even remember who he was.
“I’m really sorry, Nicole. I didn’t know.”
“We were supposed to get married.” She looked up at me with bleary eyes. “We were both young, but we knew that’s what we wanted. I know we would have too.”
“I’m sure he loved you very much,” I agreed. “I don’t see how anyone couldn’t, Nicole. You’re an amazing woman.”
She collapsed onto the sofa, and her entire body shook as she broke into sobs.
“He was my whole world,” she insisted. “I never would have betrayed him. But he’s gone now, and I still feel obligated… like I can’t move on. I know I shouldn’t be saying these things, God, I sound like such an awful person. But its how I feel. Like I’m standing still. The whole world is moving around me, but I’m stuck in a different time and place.”
“Nicole.” I reached for her hands and squeezed them in mine, putting as much conviction into my voice as I could muster. “You aren’t dishonoring him by moving on. I’m sure he would have wanted you to be happy. He would have wanted you to have a life, even if he couldn’t be a part of it.”
“He won’t let me,” she cried. “He won’t let me move on.”
I stared at her in confusion. “Who won’t?”
She snapped her attention back to me and bit her lip as though she’d said too much. I’d heard about how grief could really mess with a person’s head, and I wondered if that’s what was happening here. I wanted to ask her more about it, but before I could she stood up and wiped away her tears.
“I need some sleep,” she said. “I’m tired, and I’m not even making any sense right now. I’m sorry, Brighton. I didn’t mean to put all of this onto you.”
“It’s okay,” I reassured her. “That’s what I’m here for. I’m your friend, and I want you to talk to me. About anything.”
Instead of comforting her, my words had the opposite effect, and I wasn’t sure why. But Nicole gave me a tight smile as she said good night and padded off to her room.
Chapter Fifteen
Ryland avoided me the entire next day at work, and I was grateful.
I wasn’t in the mood to smile for my co-workers, so I kept to my desk most of the day.
By the time I left work at five, I was exhausted. But I needed to go to the store to get some groceries. The apartment had very little left in it, and I was in the mood for something with carbs.
Feeling a bit rebellious, I hopped onto the first cable car I saw and just rode it around for a while. I was still getting used to the public transportation system in San Francisco, and most of the time I stayed close to the apartment. But since I needed to take my mind off things, I figured exploring the city was one way to do it.
I was aware I was breaking Ryland’s rules by not texting him for permission. My phone burned in my hand the farther I went, and it was threatening to put a damper on the experience. I didn’t want to text him today. I wanted one day where I could pretend to be normal and enjoy my life without all the rules that hung over me. So I turned off my phone and shoved it into my bag. And before I could really think about the consequences, I tore off the GPS bracelet and tossed it out the window too.
I felt a little guilty for littering, but it was overshadowed by my newfound freedom. I was sure there would be punishment later, but right then, I didn’t care.
The cable car came to a stop after about thirty minutes and the operator announced this was the end of the line. When I glanced out the window I frowned, having no idea where I was. Still I piled off along with everyone else and started walking.
I asked a nice elderly man if there were any shopping places in this part of the city, and he pointed me a couple blocks in the opposite direction. I made the sojourn in my heels, much to my discomfort, and ended up in China Town.
My nose led me to a place that served Dim Sum, which ended up being my dinner. After stopping at the bakery to get Nicole some cupcakes, I had my fortune read by a machine on the street. And for the first time the entire day, I actually cracked a smile.
It warned me that things weren’t always what they seemed.
I laughed and then shivered as the sea breeze blew in and the streets started to thin. It was getting late, and I needed to get back to the apartment.
By the time I found the right bus and made another connection, it was past nine when I arrived at the building.
When I stepped inside, I found Ryland pacing the lobby floor with the phone to his ear. It clattered to the floor and broke into several pieces as he strode towards me without hesitation.
I was expecting anger, but what I saw was something else. His face was white, his eyes filled with anguish as he pulled me against his chest.
The door man stoically ignored our little display and slipped outside while Ryland crushed me in his grip. He was trembling, and I couldn’t understand why.
“Where were you?”
His voice was barely a whisper, and I didn’t have time to answer. Because he
repeated the question over and over, his voice growing louder as he shook me in his arms.
I was so confused by his reaction, I found it difficult to speak. Because what I was seeing wasn’t anger, but terror. Pure and undiluted.
“I went shopping,” I croaked.
He pulled out the bracelet I’d tossed out of the cable car and showed me the broken pieces.
“I thought you were dead.” He pulled away and clenched his fists. “And you’re telling me you did this on purpose?”
“Why would you think I was dead?” I tried to reclaim the distance between us, feeling the need to comfort him.
He wouldn’t let me.
“These rules are not for my amusement,” he snapped. “They’re for your safety. I thought I’d made it clear, Brighton. You’ve broken our agreement.”
His eyes were cold and his voice dead flat. Fear bubbled up inside my chest as I rushed towards him.
“It was a mistake,” I cried out. “Please don’t sever the agreement. I just… I needed a day, that’s all. One day. You can punish me every other day for the next five months, I will gladly take it.”
He lifted his gaze and stared past me as if I had ceased to exist at all. I tried to touch him, and he pushed my hand away.
“Please, Ryland.”
He closed his eyes and turned on his heel, walking out the door.
I didn’t follow. That would only make things worse. But for the first time since we’d started playing this game, I saw another side of him. And I regretted what I’d done. Because it was clear that I’d gotten my wish. I had hurt him.
***
It was Friday night, and I’d been waiting all week for Ryland to summon me again. But he hadn’t.
Now here I was, in the office at seven o’ clock, pacing back and forth as I debated my next move. I was working in much closer contact with him now that I was behind the reception desk. I took him his coffee and delivered his paper every morning, but he still hadn’t spoken to me since I’d broken his rule. In a way, his silence was worse than punishment.
I’d tried everything I could think of to get a rise out of him. I’d moved his paperweights around. Intentionally set his cup on the desk instead of the coaster. Left the remaining time on the microwave he always used. All of the little things I knew would bother him. I wanted him to get mad. Because if he was mad, it meant that I could still affect him. That he was still invested.
My heart was heavy, and it wasn’t just for Brayden. I didn’t handle guilt well. All week, I’d been replaying that night in my brain. The fear on Ryland’s face, followed by anger. As cold as he could be, I never imagined that I could possibly hurt him. But I had. I didn’t like to hurt anybody whether they deserved it or not. But hurting Ryland felt worse.
My confidence was floundering. I told myself I needed to stay close to him, for Brayden’s sake. So with more guts than I actually had, I walked into his office and caught him by surprise.
He was on the phone, rattling off a bunch of figures and terms I didn’t understand. Something to do with the financial aspects of his business I presumed, but it all sounded foreign to me.
I rocked back and forth on my black pumps for a moment as he arched his brow at me in question. He wanted to know what I was doing there. But I couldn’t answer him because I didn’t even know myself.
So with purpose, as if it had been my plan all along, I strode around behind him and placed my hands on his shoulders. He stiffened immediately, but I didn’t let it dissuade me. I had to try something. Anything to break this cold front between us.
I sank my fingers into the tense muscles and worked them over in a way I hoped felt good. I’d never given anyone a massage before, but I figured it couldn’t be that difficult. When Ryland made a small noise in his throat, it gave me some encouragement.
My strokes became broader, using more pressure as I moved along the curve of his neck. My hands had a mind of their own as they threaded through his dark hair and massaged his scalp. That was when he decided to cut his phone call short.
I listened as he rattled off the appropriate goodbyes and spun his chair around, staring up at me with an odd expression.
“What are you doing, Brighton?”
The intensity of his questioning eyes made the guilt inside of me swell. He could see through my act, and I felt I was letting him down. Why that should bother me, I had no fucking idea, but it did.
“You’ve been stressed all week.” I cast my eyes to the floor. “I was trying to help.”
It wasn’t a lie. He had been stressed all week, and I didn’t know if it was from work or me.
“You can help me by going home,” he replied. “It’s late.”
I nodded, but couldn’t move. I couldn’t accept that this was it.
I surprised us both when I crawled onto his lap and pulled his lips to mine. I’d never done anything so bold, and I worried the impending rejection was going to sting all the worse for it. But I learned something else about my power when Ryland sighed and pulled me closer. He cupped the back of my head and deepened the kiss, drinking me in as though he’d been starving for my touch.
His need fueled mine, and before I could stop myself, my hands were everywhere. Unbuttoning his vest, sliding beneath his dress shirt and raking my nails down his chest. He groaned and pulled away, his eyes liquid fire as he gathered my wrists in his hands.
“I know this is going to sound hard to believe. But I don’t usually make a habit of having sex in my office.”
The mention of sex in his office ruffled my feathers in an unexpected way. I had visions of him bending other women over the same sofa where he’d taken me, and I didn’t like it. I didn’t like it at all. My mission became that much more important, and for once, I didn’t care about the warning in his tone.
I slid off his lap and kneeled between his legs, dragging my fingers over the bulge in his pants as if to prove my point. He was hard, and he sure as hell wasn’t going to refuse me right now. I clutched the zipper with my fingers and challenged him with my eyes as I pulled it down tooth by tooth.
I hadn’t even really touched him yet, and already his breathing had changed. I considered it a victory as I slipped my hand inside and he didn’t protest. I reached through the opening of his cotton briefs until I found what I wanted.
He was hot and throbbing against my palm as I pulled just enough of his cock out for me to play with. The idea of him sitting in his leather office chair with me between his spread legs turned him on. It turned me on too.
His hands clutched the arms of the chair as I swirled my tongue around the head, collecting the clear liquid that had gathered there. His cock jumped as I licked him from root to tip in one long motion.
I didn’t think it possible, but the rigid flesh grew even more as it fell back against his belly, visibly pulsing with need. I still wasn’t sure what I was doing, but I decided to go with my gut and play with the soft sack resting at the base. I’d had the urge to taste that velvety skin ever since the first time I’d brushed it with my hand.
It was just as soft as I remembered. His head fell back on a sigh as I explored him with my tongue. His eyes drifted shut and his mouth parted, and it was then that I knew I had him. And it wasn’t a point for my game, it was a point for me.
I sucked him back into my mouth and played around with different techniques, listening to his breathing to see what he liked best. His hands threaded through my hair, but this time he wasn’t trying to take control. He simply let me do what I wanted, appreciating every second of it.
When he came, it was with a long and ragged groan. The difference in his posture was obvious, and my heart skipped a beat knowing I had the power to ease his tension.
“Come up here.” He patted his lap.
I climbed into his lap and relaxed in his arms while he stroked my back and kissed my neck.
“You look tired,” I murmured against him.
“That’s be
cause I am, baby girl.”
The ocean between us grew smaller by the moment, and when my eyes locked with his, I was afraid of what that meant for me. For my heart that I was supposed to be keeping out of this.
I reached up to clasp his face in mine while I stared into his eyes.
“Still mad at me?”
He blew out a breath and clutched me tighter. “I don’t like to worry about you.”
“Am I in danger?” I asked.
Ryland stiffened beneath me. “Why would you ask that?”
“Because last week, you said you thought I was dead. And the rule about my safety. Is there something I should know?”
He dropped his gaze and shook his head.
“No, you’re not in danger.”
His voice held conviction, but there was something else there too. And if I wasn’t in danger, I couldn’t understand his reaction. Why he’d immediately assumed I was dead when I’d gone missing for a few hours. If it were any other time, I might have pushed the issue, but we were already on shaky ground.
“Stay the weekend with me,” he said.
I didn’t know if I had a choice or not, but either way, I nodded my assent.
“I have to go to my apartment to get my things.”
He picked me up and set me on my feet. “I’ll buy you whatever you need on the way.”
“I don’t want you to buy me anything,” I argued. “I have everything I need at my apartment.”
He gave me a look that told me it was not up for discussion as he threaded his fingers through mine and led me from the office.
***
It was ten minutes past eight, and the store was now officially closed. The retail assistant kept giving me dirty looks while Ryland typed away on his phone. Yet, she’d insisted she was more than happy to keep the store open late for him.
I glanced at another price tag and frowned.
“Ryland,” I whispered.
He blinked up at me as though he couldn’t possibly understand what the problem was.