Clara smiled. ‘It was the movies that did it. I think they’re on the phone to Peter Cushing now, pitching a third one.’
‘I think my future selves crave distraction from memories they cannot lose.’
‘I know they do,’ she replied. ‘Mine does, anyway. I’ve always known that.’ She cocked her head at me, as if weighing up the words she was about to say. Then she hesitated.
‘Is there a problem?’ I asked her.
‘The Doctor—my Doctor—he’s always talking about the day he did it. The day he wiped out the Time Lords to stop the war.’
‘One would,’ I nodded, a little evasive. How could I tell her I knew nothing of the Doctor’s regret, because it was all in my future? How could I explain that this was still the last day of the Time War, and the murder of 2.47 billion children still lay ahead of me. She was staring at me now. If I’d looked inside her mind then, I think I’d have seen only my own thoughts, so intently was she studying my face.
‘You wouldn’t,’ she said at last. ‘Because you haven’t done it yet; it’s still in your future.’
It seemed to me, for a moment, there was only Clara Oswald in the world, and that everything around her was falling into darkness.
‘You’re very sure of yourself,’ I said, and wished the same could be said of me.
‘He regrets it,’ she said. ‘I see it in him every day, he’d do anything to change it.’
‘Including saving all these people,’ I said. ‘How many worlds has his regret saved, do you think? Look over there. Zygons and humans, working together in peace. That is the Doctor’s regret in action. That is the penance I will serve, and the saving of so many.’
There were lights around her now, but not the lights of the Black Archive. Instead, dimly at first, I saw shafts of sunlight slanting through cracks in an old barn wall. I’m ready, I thought. I am ready for this.
‘How did you know?’ I asked her.
Clara seemed to be squinting at me now, as if I was becoming harder to see. ‘Your eyes,’ she said. ‘You’re so much younger.’ And the barn grew brighter, and though she didn’t move, Clara seemed further and further away.
‘Then all things considered, it’s time I grew up,’ I said.
Clara raised her hand as if to grab hold of me and stop me leaving. ‘Don’t,’ she said, and was gone.
The heat of the barn closed round me, and the box that would slaughter the children of Gallifrey was again at my feet. There was something new on top of it. I stood in the baking air and the drone of the flies, and stared at the new addition.
‘Well,’ said the Interface in my ear, ‘you wanted a big red button.’
I have no idea how long I stood there. An hour perhaps. Or a minute, or a day. Time takes on a different meaning when it is measured in the heartbeats of the billions you are about to destroy.
The Interface stood across from me, and I could have been mistaken but there seemed to be compassion in her eyes. Could the control interface of the deadliest weapon in the universe truly have compassion?
‘One big bang,’ she was saying. ‘No more Daleks, no more Time Lords. Are you sure?’
‘I was sure when I first came here. I am sure now,’ I said. ‘There is no other way.’
‘You saw the men you will become.’
‘Yes, I did.’ I thought about it for a moment. ‘And they were extraordinary,’ I continued, suddenly realising it was true. ‘They were brave and kind and brilliant, and everything they needed to be.’
‘They were you.’
I shook my head. ‘No. They are the Doctor.’
‘Don’t you understand, even now?’ Was it possible for a weapon interface to get impatient? ‘You’re the Doctor too!’
‘No,’ I told her. ‘Great men are forged in fire. It is the privilege of lesser men to light the flame.’ I raised my hand to the big red button. ‘Whatever the cost.’
I thought of the children all over Gallifrey. I hoped it would be quick, and they wouldn’t be afraid.
‘Before you do this,’ she said, ‘I want you to swear something.’
‘Swear what?’ I said. What could matter now?
‘You know the sound that the TARDIS makes, when it lands? That wheezing, groaning?’
‘Yes.’
‘I love it. Don’t you.’
‘Of course I love it.’
‘Then swear this,’ she said, taking my hand. ‘Swear that wherever that sound is heard, it will bring hope.’
‘I swear it.’
Her grip on my hand was tighter now. ‘No, swear it and mean it. Swear that anyone, anywhere, who hears that sound will turn and look, and know they’re not alone.’
I smiled at the thought. It was such a good dream. I could hear the TARDIS engines roaring in my head. The Doctor, in the TARDIS, riding through the stars to the rescue. I could never be that man, of course, but I could set him on his way.
‘I swear it. I swear on both my hearts, and all my lives, that whoever hears that sound will know they are not alone.’
She smiled. ‘I believe you. And I know you mean it. And above all, I know you will keep your word. So, my dear little breakable mortal … you have earned this.’
‘Earned what?’
She leaned towards me, and her voice was a whisper. ‘Turn, Doctor,’ she said, ‘turn and look.’
I turned. I fear, in that moment, my eyes were hot, and my face was wet. I confess I may have trembled.
The sound of the TARDIS engines had not been in my head: not one, but two, beautiful, blue police boxes stood at the other end of the barn, and in front of each box, stood a man who was also me.
It was the last day of the Time War. It was the worst day of my life. But I was not alone.
That moment seemed to turn and hold in the air, and I stood frozen, unable to speak. Then Clara Oswald came bounding out of the TARDIS. ‘You see, I told you,’ she said, ‘he hasn’t done it yet!’
Her voice broke my trance. I cleared my throat, and hoped my disarray was not obvious. ‘Gentlemen, your presence is appreciated, and your support more so. But this is for me, and for me alone. Return to your appointed times and places, with my every blessing.’
It was the kind of request I’d ignored all my life—and now I learned I was always going to.
‘These events should be time-locked,’ said the one in the suit. ‘We shouldn’t have been able to come here.’
‘So something let us through,’ said the one in the Bow Tie.
‘Clever boys, aren’t they?’ whispered the Interface in my ear. ‘Don’t worry, they can’t see me—they’d be very confused if they could. Especially Pinstripe.’
Pinstripe, I thought! Bow Tie and Pinstripe, that worked. In other circumstances I might have laughed, but instead I turned my back on them both. If they couldn’t remember the fear I was feeling now, I didn’t want to remind them by letting them see my face.
‘Go,’ I said. ‘Go back to your lives. Go and be the Doctor I could never be. Make it worthwhile.’ I placed my hand on the button. It was time for them to go, and I knew they wouldn’t want to stay and witness this.
For a moment, there was no movement behind me. Then I heard them both approaching.
‘All those years, burying you in my memory,’ said Pinstripe.
‘Pretending you didn’t exist,’ said Bow Tie. ‘Keeping you a secret, even from myself.’
‘Pretending you weren’t the Doctor, when you were the Doctor more than anybody else.’
‘You were the Doctor on the day it wasn’t possible to get it right.’
They were either side of me now, with the box between them. I couldn’t look either of them in the face, so I kept my eyes on my hand, resting on the button.
‘But this time …’ said Pinstripe, as his hand appeared and rested on top of mine.
‘… you don’t have to do it alone,’ completed Bow Tie, as his hand came to rest on top of the other two.
I should have told them to run. I s
hould have ordered them to get away from this place, and leave me to my duty. But I was old and tired, and about to kill billions.
So all I said was, ‘Thank you.’
I looked to the Interface, and saw she was staring at me. It was impossible, of course, but it seemed to me there were tears in her eyes. For a moment, I could see nothing except her face.
Many years later, wearing a brand new body, I met Rose Tyler and wondered, for a long time, why her face haunted me.
Later still, I found myself trapped on Floor 500 of the Game Station, as the Dalek Emperor mocked me. ‘Are you coward or killer?’ it had demanded. I thought about the barn, and what I had done that day—and then I stepped away from the levers that would have unleashed death on Daleks and humans alike. ‘Coward,’ I said, ‘any day.’ I remembered the big red button under my hand, and wept, because I knew it hadn’t always been true.
On the planet Messaline, I held a gun to the head of a murderer, as my daughter lay dead by his hand, and then spared his life. ‘I never would,’ I told him. ‘Do you get that? I never would!’
I’m the man who never would, I told them all, but I knew I was the man who had.
So many years passed, and in time I found myself back in that barn, trapped again in the last day of the Time War. I laid my hand over the hand of the man I’d once been. I remembered being a coward not a killer, I thought of being the man who never would. And then I said, ‘What we do today, is not out of fear, or hatred—it is done because there is no other way.’ And as I said it, I still knew it to be true. Despite everything I’d ever done, or tried to believe, there was still no other way.
And then came Amy Pond and Rory. I escaped the Pandorica, and I fought the Silence. I discovered the true name of River Song, I met Clara Oswald, and I saw my grave on Trenzalore. I tried to be the coward, not the killer, and every day I told myself I was the man who never would. But I knew, in every moment, I was lying—because the man I was had stood in a barn, twice over, and made a terrible mistake.
Centuries passed, and I was back in that barn for the third time. Again, I laid my hand over the hand of the man I’d once been. I took a breath, I prepared myself, and I said: ‘This is done without joy or triumph, in the name of the many lives we are failing to save.’
We looked at each over the gap of the centuries, and nodded. We were ready. We were making a mistake—but there was no other way, and there never had been.
And then, for the second time that day, Clara Oswald said, ‘Don’t.’
She was staring at me, tearful now. As if tears could make a difference on a day like this.
‘Don’t?’ I said. ‘What do you mean, “don’t”? What good is saying “don’t”?’
‘I don’t know,’ she said, her words tumbling out. ‘Just don’t, don’t do this. This is not you. This can’t ever be you. Just don’t do whatever it is you’re doing.’
‘Clara,’ I said. ‘This happens. This has always happened. I’ve never lied about it, I’ve always told you what I did, and this is it, happening now.’ She had flinched away from me, and I realised I’d been shouting. In the silence that followed, she just looked at the floor. In all the time I’d known her, she’d never avoided my gaze.
‘What is it?’ I asked her, gentler now.
‘Nothing,’ she said, but she didn’t look up.
‘No, it’s something,’ I said. ‘Tell me.’
She still wouldn’t look at me. ‘You told me you’d wiped out your own people, I knew that. I just never … I never pictured you doing it, that’s all.’
‘Look at me!’
‘No.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because you’re not here,’ she said, her voice breaking. ‘Because the Doctor is not in the room.’
‘The Doctor is …’ I began. ‘It’s just a name, it’s not …’ I began again. I calmed myself, ordered my thoughts. ‘I’m a Time Lord, my name is … it’s just a sort of promise. And you can’t always keep your promises. Clara, look at me!’
‘Okay,’ she said, and raised her eyes from the floor. But instead of looking at me, she looked right over my shoulder. ‘I see an old man who thinks he’s a warrior.’ She moved her eyes. ‘I see some other bloke who thinks he’s a hero.’ Then, finally, she turned her gaze on me. ‘And I see you.’
I was stepping towards her now. I wanted to keep her looking at me, because it scared me when she couldn’t. ‘And what am I?’ I asked.
‘Have you really forgotten?’
‘Yes. Maybe, yes.’
‘We’ve got enough warriors,’ she said. ‘Any old idiot can be a hero.’
‘Then what do I do?’ I sounded pathetic in my own ears, like a terrified child.
‘What you’ve always done. What you do every day.’ Her eyes had dropped to my bow tie. She reached out and straightened it, as if somehow that would fix everything. Then she looked up at me again, and this time she smiled. ‘Be a doctor,’ she said.
I tried to speak, but found I had nothing to say.
‘If your name is a promise,’ she continued, ‘tell me what the promise was.’
Again, I tried to speak, but I still couldn’t.
‘Never cruel, never cowardly,’ came a voice from behind me. The hero.
‘Never give up, never give in,’ said the warrior.
Clara’s eyes never left mine. ‘This is the day you keep your promises. Because this is the day your promises were for. Doctor,’ she said, ‘be a doctor.’
And strangely enough, after four hundred years, that was all it took. The floor rocked below me, the air swelled in my lungs, and the Doctor was back in the room.
We stood there for an hour or so, Clara and I, though possibly it was only a few seconds. I reached to straighten my bow tie, but discovered it was straighter than it had ever been. I gave Clara a wink of approval, and turned to face the others. I think I must have been smiling, because they looked at me in horror.
‘You’re not suggesting …’ began Captain Swagger.
‘Suggesting what, dear?’ I asked.
‘I was just wondering if you were about to suggest that we change our own personal history.’ His eyes were wide and he looked dumbfounded. It was a good look for him. Especially the mouth.
I shrugged. ‘We change history all the time. I’m suggesting something far worse.’
‘What exactly?’ demanded Captain Grumpy, and he looked so serious, I nearly tickled him under the chin.
‘Gentlemen,’ I said, ‘I’ve had four centuries to think about this. To hell with changing history, I’m changing my mind.’ I pulled out my screwdriver, aimed it at the wooden box, and zapped it. The big red button snapped out of sight, like the box had just gobbled it up.
For a moment, in that barn, there was the most beautiful silence. We looked at each other. Everything was different now. A new reality was snapping into place around us. We were suddenly off the map, and we didn’t know what the hell would happen now. I suppose that’s why we all started to smile.
‘I hope you realise,’ said Captain Grumpy, forcing a frown back on his face, ‘that there are still a billion, billion Daleks up there, attacking us.’
‘Yes,’ said Captain Swagger, who was starting to lose control of a big old grin. ‘But there’s something those billion, billion Daleks don’t know!’
‘What?’ asked Clara, who wasn’t really keeping up, poor dear. ‘What don’t the billion, billion Daleks know?’
‘This time,’ I said, ‘there’s three of us.’
‘What difference does three of you make?’ asked Clara, who could always be such a downer at moments like this, and really needed to buck her ideas up. (I have a vague sense I’m being a bit unreasonable here, but it was all very exciting.)
‘Oh, I don’t know,’ I said. ‘But, basically, we’ve got about twenty minutes to halt the biggest Dalek attack in history, save Gallifrey, and end the Time War forever.’
‘Yeah,’ said Captain Swagger. ‘In view of the urgency o
f the situation, I’m not even going to suggest putting the kettle on.’
‘Will you two take this seriously!’ thundered Captain Grumpy.
‘We are taking it seriously,’ I said. ‘This is how we take it seriously. We assume everything is going to work out, then work out how it’s going to work out. You know the M.O.’
‘But how do we work it out?’ he demanded.
‘You tell us,’ I said. ‘You’re the military genius. You’re the finest general I’ve ever been. How do we pull this off?’
‘How do I … How could I possibly …’
I thought he might just splutter himself to death, if I didn’t interrupt. ‘Look, just shut up and figure it out, Grandad! What are our assets, what have we got? And stop thinking like a boring old warrior—think like a Doctor!’
He was halfway through drawing breath to tell me what an idiot I was, when I saw an idea catch fire in his eyes. ‘Oh!’ he said, and smacked himself in the forehead so hard I thought he might fall over. ‘Oh!’ he said again. ‘That is good! That is very, very good!’ Whatever the idea was, it went burning down through the years and lit up inside Captain Swagger.
‘Oh, I’m getting that now,’ he said. ‘That’s brilliant! That’s totally, totally brilliant!’
The idea went barrelling on and hundreds of years later went off like a bomb in my head. Suddenly I was leaping and shouting and punching the walls (mostly accidentally). ‘Awesome. That is awesome!’
‘What,’ pleaded Clara, ‘is awesome?’
‘She didn’t show me any old future,’ Captain Grumpy was raving away. ‘She showed me exactly the future I needed to see. She showed me the answer! She showed me how to fix it! That’s what all this was about! She was helping me!’
‘Please, please tell me,’ said Clara. ‘Anyone, just tell me what you’re talking about!’
The old boy rounded on her. ‘The Dalek fleets are surrounding Gallifrey, firing on it constantly. The sky trenches are holding, but here’s a thought. What if the whole planet just disappeared?’
‘Tiny bit of an ask,’ said Clara.
‘Yeah, but if you could do it, just imagine what would happen,’ said Swagger. ‘If there’s suddenly no planet, the Daleks would be firing at each other. All those warp drives in all those ships, caught in the same firestorm. Supernova! They’d destroy themselves in their own crossfire.’
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