by Lane Hart
I tug on his t-shirt. “Let’s get home, so you can take this off.”
He rubs his nose against mine with a smile. “Always trying to get me naked.”
“Well, yeah. Have you seen you?” I tease, sneaking my hands up the bottom of his shirt to feel the ridges of his stomach.
“I do believe I have seen me once or twice,” he replies with a bigger grin.
“You’re hot. And big. And have really nice muscles.” I grab his shoulders and squeeze his biceps that are flexed from the way he’s holding himself up over me.
“Are you trying to talk me out of my clothes?” he asks. “Because that’s really unnecessary.”
“Then take me home,” I tell him.
“I’m on it,” he says. “We would’ve been there by now if you hadn’t attacked me while I was driving.” He raises up off me, and hands me back my nightie that I slip back over my head.
“You complaining?” I ask.
“Fuck no!” he exclaims. “Just, give me a little warning next time you decide to give me road head, so I don’t wreck my truck.”
“Okay, fine. If you want to be responsible and all.”
“I’m about to be a father, it’s time I get responsible and shit, right?”
“You sure you can handle a baby on your own?” I ask. While I’m certain he’ll try his best to be a good father, there’s so much that he’ll have to learn.
“Oh, I can handle it, baby,” he says with complete confidence. “I’ve already got the spare room cleared out for her.”
“Really?” I ask.
“Yeah. Why haven’t you bought any baby stuff yet?” he asks when we pull up in the driveway.
“I told you, it’s bad luck.”
“Yeah, before the second trimester. But you’re coming up on twenty-one weeks.”
I shrug. “I don’t know, just haven’t had time.”
“Bullshit. Try again.”
“I’m scared to jinx anything,” I admit.
Watching him walk around the front of the truck, I notice the lacy blue garter hanging from his rearview mirror. I’d noticed it before, but didn’t realize its significance. He kept it from the wedding.
When Senn opens the door for me, he hefts me into his arms since I don’t have on any shoes. “So, you’re superstitious?” he asks, somehow managing to unlock the door with me in his arms.
“You don’t know how hard it was,” I explain while he carries me effortlessly to the bedroom. “I still have a box of the blue baby blankets and onesies that I bought when I was pregnant with Thomas. Having those things after losing him was just a reminder of what we lost…”
“I’m sorry,” Senn says when he lays me gently in bed and undresses to join me.
“The way I see it, if I don’t buy anything and am completely unprepared for her, then she’ll come, and it’ll be frantic and crazy trying to get everything we need, but she’ll already be here and healthy.”
“Fine,” he mutters with a sigh. Stretching out next to me, he kisses Thomas’s memorial tattoo on my wrist. “I won’t push the issue anymore if it upsets you.”
“Thank you.”
“Are you still gonna stay here with me?” he asks, pulling me closer so that we’re chest to chest.
“Yes,” I answer. “As long as that slut doesn’t come back.”
“She won’t. I’ll find another housekeeper. An old lady one with gray hair.”
“Okay,” I agree.
“And, Abby, I know you worry about me sleeping with other women,” he starts, pausing to grab my hand to intertwine our fingers. “I get it, because that’s what I did for so long. But I promise you that I won’t cheat on you. I’m not some horndog who can’t live without sex. The fact is, I haven’t wanted to be with anyone else, and that’s not gonna change no matter what happens. So, don’t feel like you have to do anything you don’t feel like doing just to try and make me happy, okay?”
“You say that now…”
“So, what? You think I’ll change my mind when you get sicker? Because I’m certain that if or when that happens, sex will be the last thing I’m thinking about,” he says, kissing my knuckles. “You have no idea how worried about you I was this weekend. And at no point did I think, wow, I really need to get laid.”
“I thought that,” I admit with a smile.
“See! You’re the horndog in this relationship.”
“I can’t help it,” I admit. “I like being with you, even when I’m tired or feel bad, because you make everything better.”
“Thank you,” he says with a smile. “That’s maybe the nicest thing anyone has ever said about me.”
Chapter Nineteen
Senn
Taking punches is easy. Watching the person you love more than anything slowly dying is so much more painful. After the night we got home from Atlantic City, the nosebleeds became more frequent, and Abby started sleeping more. I hate leaving her alone when I go to the gym, so I haven’t been training as much. Every few hours, I wake her up and make her eat. I constantly worry that she needs to be in the hospital. The stress is wearing me down, and I’m starting to feel hopeless, like I’m gonna lose Abby and the baby.
The afternoon I opened her laptop to look up movie times of all things is the day I finally snapped.
A folder containing dozens of recent videos was sitting open, so I clicked on one. Seeing and hearing Abby videoing herself, it felt like the house was caving in on me.
“Money doesn’t buy happiness. You’ve probably heard that before, but it’s true. I know from experience. So don’t pick a career that pays well, pick one that you love. My parents nearly shit themselves when I told them I was going to open up a wedding planning business after I graduated with an MBA. That’s not what they had in mind, but I didn’t care. It’s what I wanted to do in life, and you should do what makes you happy. And you can do anything you want, just work hard and never give up.”
Okay, maybe she was just working on a career day project or something. I click on another video.
“You are beautiful, smart and perfect. Don’t let anyone tell you differently because you’re my daughter and your father’s, so genetically you have to be all of those things. Find a man who loves you just how you are and doesn’t try to change anything about you. One who makes you laugh. One who will stand by you, even when you’re at your worst.” Abby smiles and swipes at her eyes. “A man who remembers what you were wearing the first time he saw you is definitely a keeper.”
Unable to help myself, I keep the torture going, knowing it’s only gonna be more painful with each one, but needing to see them.
“It sucks but it’s inevitable that someday, someone will break your heart. Whether it’s a boy you love who stops loving you, or one who never loved you back. But don’t worry. He wasn’t who you’re meant to be with. When you’re with the right person everything is easy and effortless. Which means that no matter what you do or say, no matter how you hurt them, they’ll never stop loving you because it’s impossible. That person is your soulmate.”
Tears leak down onto the keyboard, but I can’t stop clicking on the videos, one right after another.
“Expect a lot of drama in life and enjoy it as much as you can. The ups and down is what makes it exciting, just try not to be the one who causes the drama. Admit when you’re wrong or make a mistake, because the cover-up is always worse than the crime.”
Seeing Abby in a different outfit, her belly growing bigger, her body weaker as she talks to our unborn daughter in more brutal than a sucker punch to my gut. Some of the videos are even instructional, showing her how to braid her hair and put on makeup. I watch them all, until I get to the very last one.
“One day you’re gonna want something with all your heart. When you do, multiply that feeling by the number of stars in the sky and it still won’t be how much I wanted to be your mother. Thank you for giving me a purpose in this world before I had to leave it.”
Abby’s so certain that she’
s dying that she’s making videos for our daughter. Setting the laptop aside, I storm into the bedroom and find Abby awake, pushing around the food on the tray I left her earlier.
“Goddamn it, Abby!” I shout so loudly she jumps.
“What? Why are you yelling at me?” she asks, blinking her heavy eyes at me. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”
“No, I’m not okay!” I yell, swiping a hand over my face to dry the wetness. “I found the videos.”
“What videos?” she asks innocently.
“You know what fucking videos,” I reply. “Why are you giving up?”
Her shoulder’s slump and she drops her fork. “I’m not giving up. I just want to be prepared.”
“You need to go to the doctor instead of preparing for the worst,” I tell her sternly.
“I just went to the doctor last week,” she responds.
“Yeah, your OBGYN, not your oncologist.”
“He doesn’t have anything to say that I want to hear,” she says with her chin stubbornly in the air. “As long as the baby is okay—”
“Just because you don’t like what he’s telling you, doesn’t mean you should stop going,” I say to her. “You’re gonna need his help. We need him to be on top of your records so that as soon as the baby’s born, he can start treatment. I’ve been talking to this specialist –”
“You’re grumpy,” she interrupts, changing the subject.
“I’m not grumpy. I’m worried,” I correct. And so fucking devastated that I can’t breathe.
“You’re grumpy because you haven’t gotten laid in…what, a week?”
“That’s not…I’m not…”
“Horny?” she asks with a raised eyebrow.
“Seeing you barely move all day and night doesn’t really do it for me,” I tell her honestly. “I’m too worried—”
“What about now?” she asks, sitting the food tray aside to lift my t-shirt she’s been sleeping in over her head, baring her naked breasts and pregnant belly to me. My mouth waters, but I swallow it down. Of course my cock reacts because that’s what he does, even if it’s inappropriate. She’s sick and not up for…oh fuck. Now she’s cupping her massive tits, just to tease me. “Come on, Senn. Take your clothes off and get in bed with me.”
“You’re evil,” I tell her, because now I’m torn between selfishly taking her up on an offer she can’t handle or rejecting her, which will hurt her feelings, even if it’s for her own good. “Tiny, sexy, manipulative evil,” I grumble as I pull my shirt over my head.
Abby grins triumphantly as I quickly shuck my jeans and boxers, then climb into bed with her. Reaching for the side of her face, I tilt her lips up so I can cover them with mine, kissing her slowly, gently. There’s a reason we only do this once a week at most, more than just because I don’t trust that she’s healthy enough or has the energy for it. Being with her is too damn good, and all I can think about is that it could be the last time I have with her. Which is fucking killing me, not because I’m horny, but because I love her. Especially after seeing those videos...
“You’re not gonna break me,” she says, tugging on my shoulders to try and pull me down closer.
“I know, but you might break me,” I tell her before I make love to her, savoring every second, every touch and every kiss like it might be the last.
…
Abby
“Just nine more weeks,” I say into the silence while Senn and I lie in bed wrapped up in each other, our limbs tangled.
“I can’t wait,” he says as he runs a palm over my growing bump. He feels the baby move a few times a day now, and she’s always more active when she hears him talking.
“Me either,” I reply with a sigh. God, I hope I make it that far.
“So, um, I was thinking,” Senn starts, and then pauses to run his hands through his hair and blow out a breath. “Maybe, I mean, if you want to, we could, I dunno…”
“Spit it out, Senn,” I tease him, gripping his chin so he has to look at me.
“Would you want to marry me?” he asks; and if it wasn’t for the serious expression on his face, I would’ve laughed. Did Senn Duncan, the notorious bachelor, seriously just ask me to marry him?
“I…I…”
“You don’t want to,” he says, his shoulders sagging in defeat before I can get the words out.
“I’m just…surprised. Where did that come from?” I ask him.
“Well, ah, the other day your dad mentioned that you’ve always wanted a big wedding, which is why you started planning weddings.”
“Oh God,” I mutter in understanding, covering my face so he won’t see my tears. “This is a pity proposal.”
“What?” Senn asks, and I would almost bet that if I was looking at him, his Shar Pei forehead would be all scrunched up. “Pity…”
“You don’t want to marry me. You only asked because you think I might die. Well, I don’t want a pity proposal or…or a pity wedding! This isn’t The Notebook. This is real life!”
“The Notebook?” he repeats. “Don’t you mean a Walk to Remember?”
Hearing those words from his mouth, I peek at him between my fingers to see his face, unable to help my smile. “You watch Nicholas Sparks’ movies!” I accuse.
“I…that’s not the point,” he says, and I lose it. Giggles come pouring out as I roll back and forth with laughter.
“You…you watch…” I can’t finish the sentence. It’s too funny. Such a big, tough guy watching sappy romances.
“You’re making fun of me,” Senn grumbles. “If you tell anyone, I’ll beat your ass.”
“No one…no one would ever believe me,” I say through the laughter. “Why?” I ask.
Senn huffs and looks away. I reach for his jaw to make him look at me again. “There was a marathon on one day, so I started to watch just to see what all the fuss was about. Chicks love that shit, right?”
“Uh-huh,” I answer, pursing my lips to try not to laugh anymore now that I realize he’s so serious.
“Growing up, I didn’t exactly see what a healthy relationship looked like, you know? How a man is supposed to treat a woman. I fuck and fight, but other than that, I’m an asshole.”
“You’re not an asshole,” I tell him honestly. “It’s sweet. You’re actually really sweet. I had no idea…”
He scoffs and rolls his eyes.
“I know that you keep the thermostat up, so I won’t get cold, even though you can’t sleep when it’s hot. I know that you don’t even get mad when I wake you up in the middle of the night and send you out because I want a milkshake or enchiladas. And I know that you would do anything for this little girl, too,” I tell him with a pat to my belly. “You, Senn Duncan, are sweet.”
“Those things are nothing—”
“Those things, and all the other little things you do, are everything,” I tell him.
“But you don’t want to marry me,” he says with a frown.
“I didn’t say that!” I exclaim. “I said I don’t want you to marry me out of pity.”
“What if I want to marry you just because I love you and I want you to be my wife?” he asks.
“Then, yes, I would marry you.”
“You would?” he asks with a smile.
“Yes,” I agree. “But not until the baby’s born.”
The smile slips from his face. “Abby…”
“Don’t say it,” I warn him, pressing a fingertip to his lips. “I’ll have this little girl, and then we can get married if that’s still what you want.”
“Because you want to make sure it’s not a pity marriage?” he asks.
“Yes.”
Senn buries his face in my neck and growls. “Fine,” he agrees. “But you are gonna marry me.”
There’s no reason to tell him otherwise. I can feel it, my body deteriorating more each day as I grow weaker. That’s why I don’t need to go to the oncologist. I already know I’m dying. But I’ll do everything I can to hold on long enough, so that I ca
n at least make sure I don’t leave Senn all alone. He deserves to have someone in his life who loves him.
Chapter Twenty
Senn
“Come on, mama bear. Getting out of the house for a few hours will do you good,” I suggest, hoping she’ll agree. I know the fatigue is a bitch, but I have a surprise planned, and it won’t work if she’s here.
“Okay,” she finally agrees, grabbing her phone. “Let me see if Whitney can give me a ride to the shop.”
“I’m sure she can, and I bet Bree will be glad to see you,” I tell her. Actually, I already know Whitney is waiting by her phone because I let her in on my plan last week.
Today, Abby is thirty-six weeks pregnant. We’re right there at the finish line with only a few more days to go before her OBGYN is ready to schedule the C-section. Actually, the doctor has wanted to do it for the last two weeks, but Abby’s stubborn, insisting we wait a little longer to see if she’ll come on her own.
“Whitney said she can be here in ten,” Abby tells me as she rolls off the bed with her huge pregnant belly. I never get tired of seeing her baby bump or touching it, knowing our little girl is in there, growing bigger each day. Our daughter grows stronger while Abby gets weaker. It’s a horrible tradeoff, but there’s no other option. Soon she’ll deliver, and then we’ll do whatever we have to do to get Abby better. I’ve been talking to Dr. Donald Barnes in Chicago who’s proclaimed to be the best leukemia doctor in the country. So as soon as the baby’s healthy enough, we’ll have Abby transferred up there or bring him down here. I’m willing to do anything and pay every cent I have to get her better.
An hour later, instead of ten minutes, ‘cause that’s how Whitney rolls, the doorbell rings and I open it for her.
“Hey, Daddy Mack,” she says in greeting before she strolls right on inside.
“Hey, Whitney,” I say to her retreating back. She reminds me of how my dad’s never stepped foot inside. And actually, now that I think about it, I haven’t seen or heard from him since that one night months ago, the first night Abby was here. Strange, and I can’t say I miss him. His visits always put me on edge because I never knew when he would swing his fist at me and then I’d have to restrain myself from kicking his ass since I’m bigger than him now. I’m definitely better off without him and my mom.