by Wells, Linda
“I am.” Elizabeth looked away from the door and reached for the hot water to warm the teapot. “I was in an impossible mood this morning and he cajoled me out of it, even though he had no idea what was bothering me. The poor man, he has begged me time and again not to leave him to read my mind, and yet there I was forcing him once again.”
“What bothered you?”
“You did not seem yourself at breakfast, Elizabeth. Fitzwilliam looked at you so worriedly.” Georgiana moved to sit beside her and removed the lid from the teapot for her.
“Thank you.” Swirling the water around, she poured it out and began spooning in the tea leaves. “For the life of me, I do not know what was wrong. Melancholia is something I do not feel often, but over the past few days …” She filled the pot with the hot water and sat back as it brewed. “I do not know. Maybe I am at last relaxing after all of our time away.” Giving Georgiana’s hand a squeeze, she smiled at the girl as her eyes dropped down.
“How was Scotland?” Mrs. Gardiner asked. “We expected to be able to catch a glimpse from the Peaks, but we sadly do not have the time to explore so far north. I am afraid that Derbyshire will be the extent of our visit, but since it is with you, dear, it is far better than rocks and mountains.”
“Oh my, Mary must have been talking about your trip.” Elizabeth laughed. “Well, it is ironic that you mention seeing Scotland from the Peaks. Fitzwilliam took me to the coast many times during our stay. We would sit and look out at the sea, and far, far in the distance, there was England.” She hugged herself for a moment. “I will never forget our visits there. We talked of so many things.”
“Fitzwilliam took me there one day.” Georgiana smiled. “He spoke so much of you.”
“He did?” Elizabeth blushed. “I will not puff up my vanity and ask what he said; I can only assume that it was favourable.”
“I have no doubt of that.” Mrs. Gardiner smiled.
Elizabeth picked up the teapot and poured out. “Well … You have told me all about the children. Now, tell me of Longbourn.”
“Should I leave?” Georgiana asked worriedly.
“No. They are your family now as well; you may as well hear the worst.”
“You are assuming that it is bad, Lizzy.”
“Oh, Aunt. Unless some miracle has been wrought since my last letters from Mary and Mama, I assume that things carry on there swimmingly.”
“Hmmm.” Mrs. Gardiner took a sip of tea and set her cup down. “Well, they say that children are perceptive. My children were begging to come with us rather than stay. If we had brought Kitty along as she asked, I do not know that I would have felt good about leaving them with just your mother and Mary.”
“And Lydia …” Elizabeth reminded her.
“And Lydia.” Mrs. Gardiner sighed. “That girl is subdued, but still a handful. Thankfully the restrictions set forth by your new brother and Mary have been effective.”
“Oh dear.” Georgiana said worriedly.
“The children would have begged to come with you in any case.” Elizabeth smiled. “Jane was not there, and she is their favourite.”
“I think that you may be, dear. Have you heard from her?”
“Yes.” Elizabeth offered her a plate and a napkin, and began cutting a small cake. “But you may not avoid Longbourn by speaking of Jane.”
“Well, I tried.” Mrs. Gardiner laughed.
“Oh, excuse me.” The three ladies turned as Mrs. Annesley entered.
“Mrs. Gardiner, this is Mrs. Annesley, Georgiana’s companion.”
“Mrs. Annesley.” The women nodded at each other and Mrs. Annesley sat down a little apart from the group. “How do you find your new position?”
“It is an adjustment.” She said quietly.
“You are doing fine. We are all learning our places here.” Elizabeth smiled. “Would you care for some tea?”
“Oh …” She hesitated, “Should I?”
“If it is offered to you, of course, just do not assume anything.” Mrs. Gardiner nodded and went to work fixing her a cup. “Did I tell you, Lizzy, about Mrs. Baxter?”
Elizabeth watched the woman who had taught her so much. “Reverend Baxter’s wife? No, how is she?”
“She is a companion now.” Mrs. Gardiner handed Mrs. Annesley her cup. “Reverend Baxter died this past winter, and of course the church provides nothing for the widows and children of their deceased pastors, so when he passed on, she had to clear out of the parsonage almost immediately and stay with relatives. Her boys are in the navy and unmarried, and there were no significant savings. And so, she found herself a woman of nearly fifty years living on the kindness of family. It did not sit well with her at all. Of course this was something she always knew would happen and was prepared in her mind to have to work. So when one of Edward’s clients mentioned he was looking for a companion for his eldest girl, we jumped on the opportunity and introduced her.”
“How is she doing?”
“Quite well. It was a matter of learning her place and the preferences of the family she serves. It is not unlike a governess, only instead of teaching lessons, she is teaching duties, instead of guarding against injury, she is protecting from unworthy men. She said that she felt she held an advantage over the spinsters who take on the position. No matter what a woman’s rank in the world, there are similarities in what it is to be a wife, no matter how much money she has. A man is a man, whether he wears an apron or a frock coat, and after all, marrying off your charge is the ultimate goal of your position, is it not?” She asked Mrs. Annesley, who nodded and looked at Georgiana who was staring down at her folded hands.
“But there are good men and bad men.” Elizabeth pointed out. “And every degree in between.”
“Certainly and after being married as long as I have, I know the best parts of my husband and the idiosyncrasies as well, but I have lived in the world long enough to have observed the more questionable men and can certainly give advice or warnings to a girl who may need it.” Mrs. Gardiner smiled at Mrs. Annesley. “I am certain that you understand what I am saying?”
“I believe that I do, Mrs. Gardiner.” Mrs. Annesley said thoughtfully. “I am a guide as well as a protector?”
“Of course you must teach what your employers desire, but you also have a lifetime of experience that you may call upon, even when you find yourself in a situation that is unfamiliar. But you are the buffer between Miss Darcy and the outside world when Mr. and Mrs. Darcy are not available. Within the house, you are the educator that she needs to be a woman ready on her wedding day to be the mistress of her husband’s home.” Mrs. Gardiner turned away from her and smiled at Elizabeth. “Although, Lizzy, I think that just observing your marriage and how you perform your duties will be an education like no other for Miss Darcy.”
“An education like no other, my goodness, Aunt! That could be taken in a positive and a negative light!”
“I think that you know full well that I am in awe of how you have taken on not one, but three enormous homes in the course of seven months. But it is the love you share with Mr. Darcy that is truly remarkable. Those are lessons than cannot be taught. Miss Darcy is a fortunate lady to have your example.”
“You embarrass me, Aunt. You have so rarely seen us together, how can you know how we get on?”
“A blind man would see it, Sister. Even I could not deny it, even when I tried.” Georgiana smiled a little when Elizabeth squeezed her hand.
“It is in every word of your letters, dear. The page lights up when you speak of him, even when you complain.” Mrs. Gardiner winked.
“I have never complained of him.” Elizabeth’s eyes sparkled.
“Of course not, and I have never complained of your uncle.” Mrs. Gardiner nodded seriously.
“Speaking of complaints, tell me of Longbourn? Has anything improved at all? Mary is trying so hard. She truly does care for Mr. Collins. Is he still so self-important?”
“Of course he is. The newness of his triumphant ascent has
not begun to wear off. Of course if you think back to Mrs. Baxter, you can understand his pride. Before he had a living and a good home, but now he has a permanent home for his wife and children. Mary could easily have found herself with nothing one day.”
“She still might if she has no children, but in any case, we would have taken care of her. Fitzwilliam assured Papa that he would provide for Mama when he … Since I did not marry Mr. Coll-” Elizabeth stopped and put her hand to her chest as her eyes filled with tears. “Forgive me.”
“I thought that we would speak of that time privately, dear.” Mrs. Gardiner moved to sit next to her and smiling, handed her a handkerchief. “You still never have one handy do you?”
“I used to. I have become reliant on Fitzwilliam’s.” She sniffed and dabbed at her eyes. “Oh, what is wrong with me? I am never so weepy! Quickly, Aunt, tell me of my sister and ridiculous brother. And my mother, has she invented a new place to hang Papa’s portrait yet?”
“No, he remains in her room. Your mother has taken to walking into Meryton as her daily exercise.”
“Walking?” Elizabeth laughed through her tears. “Lydia walks with her?”
“Oh yes, and Kitty. I have no idea what they do there, as her spending is limited to the small stipend she receives, but she visits our sister Philips and … well she is away from Mary.”
“Eventually they will have to get along.”
“I think that there is some thawing in that regard. I saw your mother offer advice that Mary accepted without question. And I noticed your mother complimenting Mary on her handling of Mr. Collins. Small steps.”
“I could not be any more grateful for Mr. Collins being the master as when I heard that he flat-out denied Lydia permission to go to Brighton.”
“Not while wearing mourning, at least.” Mrs. Gardiner looked at Elizabeth’s white gown and back to her.
“Mr. Darcy and I agreed that we had mourned enough.”
“May I say that I agree?” She squeezed her hand and returned to her seat. “Now, what else would you care to know?”
“WHAT I WANT TO KNOW,” Darcy said as he paced his study, “is what my butler was doing speaking of such things before my wife? Even if he had no thought that I would keep a woman for my pleasure, how could he plant such a thought in Elizabeth’s mind? No wonder she was so upset!”
“It was clearly unintentional, Darcy.” Mr. Gardiner soothed him. “The man apologized how many times?”
“But the idea is now in her mind. I wish to keep Elizabeth away from such things. I wish her not to know of such ugliness …”
“You wish to let her remain sheltered? You fell in love with my niece because she is an intelligent, quick-witted, curious, lovely, and intriguing woman. Why would you wish to stifle the very qualities you cherish, even if she is learning facts that are ugly?”
Darcy shot him a look and stopped before the decanters of port. “Lizzy asked me something similar once. If I wished to keep her ignorant because of my sister’s experience.”
“Well?”
“No.” He sighed. “I just never wished her to wonder if I would ever … I would never even consider it …”
“Ah, it is not ignorance you seek, but self-protection. Surely you know men who do keep courtesans?”
“Naturally, but simply because it is done does not make it acceptable to me.” He poured out two glasses and handed him one. “Tell me … Mrs. Gardiner … You have four children, how many more …”
“Do we want or will we tolerate?” He smiled.
“Either one, sir? Does she object … after four? We are so eager to start our family. I cannot imagine what it would be like trying to … having to restrain our … my …” His hand waved as his cheeks reddened.
“Desire? Need? Lust?”
“I cannot believe I am speaking of this to you. To anyone. Good God.” Darcy set down his glass and started pacing again. “Ignore me, sir. You are newly arrived and I am suddenly spilling thoughts to you that I barely acknowledge to myself. And I am speaking of my feelings for a woman you loved as a baby. How dare I touch her, let alone speak of my overwhelming … What must you think of me?”
“Who else do you have? Can you speak to your Uncle Darcy?”
“I would rather not.” He swung by and downed some of his wine before walking again. “And my Uncle Matlock is one of those men who once kept women tucked away for his convenience.” He stopped and turned. “You do not …”
“Good heavens, no! Mrs. Gardiner would throttle me!” He laughed. “But she is older, much older than Lizzy. I doubt that we will have many more. After all, I had to wait to marry, and fortunately, my wife waited for me. That overwhelming feeling you speak of was somewhat tamed for us by then.” The glare he received was searing. “I am sorry; I do not mean to laugh. I realize how difficult it is to speak of such things to anyone, let alone a stranger. Then again, it may be easier.”
“I want a house full of children.” Darcy said softly. “I want the halls to ring with their voices. I want to work at that desk and hear Lizzy calling to them to behave so that I can have some peace.” He looked up and smiled a little. “I want to see her surrounded by them and reading a story, or playing a game out on the grounds … or just holding them. I want to have to fight them off to get to her for a little time of my own.” He looked out of the window to the garden. “A great deal of time …”
“You look forward to sending them off to sleep already? I have every confidence that you will have a very efficient governess.” Mr. Gardiner chuckled.
“I have imagined so many things. My image of the future with Elizabeth is one of the things that helped me to survive this nightmare.” Finally settling into a chair, he rubbed his face. “It will come.”
“It will.” Mr. Gardiner sat forward and met his eye. “It will.”
“But your sister, Mrs. Philips, she had no children.”
“True, but Elizabeth’s mother had five, and I have four. I would say that the Gardiner side of the family has done well. Perhaps the problem for my sister is in Mr. Philips.”
“Mr. Philips?” Darcy considered the question. “I suppose that is possible.”
“I realize it is highly unlikely. But returning to Lizzy, considering the terrible pressures you have experienced constantly, just marrying was hard enough, but the accident, her father’s illness and death, and then this time with Miss Darcy …”
“I say the same to myself all of the time.” He paused and said softly, “We suspect that she lost a child, well, we do not speak of it, but it is in our minds. Elizabeth is … I think … I know that she worries.”
“Well,” Mr. Gardiner looked around the study and then nodded to the landscape of Pemberley hanging on the wall, “she has reason to.”
Darcy followed his gaze and nodding, looked down at the floor. “Has she said, in her letters … Any complaint of me?” He looked up to find Mr. Gardiner smiling again. “I am such a fool.”
“Of course you are. Do you know her chief complaint of you?”
“No, sir.” He whispered and stared.
“Nothing she says goes over your head.” Darcy’s mouth dropped open. “My niece has enjoyed the company of an entire neighbourhood all of her life and only her father had an inkling of what she was saying. And here you are and she cannot say a thing that you do not receive with at least a “raised brow.” I think was her phrase. My niece is forced to step up her game to keep up with you. She says that it is exhausting.”
A slow smile spread over Darcy’s face. “Is that so?”
“I should not have told you.”
“I … No you should have told me to mind my business, but … thank you.” Sitting back in his chair, he chuckled and grinned. “I love that!”
“She says you are a bit vain, too.”
Darcy shrugged. “I do that for her.”
“I thought so.”
Picking up his glass, Darcy smiled. “How do you like your wine?”
“It is
nearly as good as mine.” Mr. Gardiner winked.
Darcy raised one brow and nodding, took a sip. “I thought so.”
“I THOUGHT THAT it was very peaceful.” Mrs. Gardiner looped her arm with Elizabeth’s and they walked through the house together. “He was ready.”
“But I was not there.” Elizabeth said softly.
“You made that decision together, Lizzy. You said your goodbyes. He accepted it.”
“No, he did not, but he knew that I was serious. Of course, I was serious because I had a secret to keep. But Jane … I am sure that she did not mean to make me feel terrible, and I … I can only imagine how difficult it was watching him decline and trying to keep Mama calm, and the family in order … How could she not resent me? I was carefree, on a honeymoon in Scotland.” She sighed.
“If you could have been there, I know that you would.”
“I do not know that, Aunt. I knew everything by then. Oh, I do not know anymore.” Elizabeth glanced at her and ahead. They entered the gallery and walked past the Darcy ancestors. “We could have come, Fitzwilliam’s aunt and uncle could have gone to Sommerwald, Fitzwilliam even offered to take me when the colonel arrived, but we did not belong at Longbourn, did we?”
“Are you seeking forgiveness? Do you feel guilt, Lizzy? I hope not. You were where you belonged. Nobody knows what you have been living since … how long did you know? Did Fitzwilliam tell you when he proposed?”
“Yes and no. He asked me to save his life.” Elizabeth stopped before Darcy’s portrait and wiped the blur from her eyes.
“Oh, Lizzy.” Mrs. Gardiner hugged her and the two women looked up at the man with the slight smile. “He is such a handsome man. There is something pleasant about his mouth when he speaks, I think.”
“Not only when he speaks.” Elizabeth hugged herself and looking away from the portrait, her hand went to her mouth, “Did I say that out loud?”
Her aunt laughed, “I am afraid so, dear. I am very happy for you both.”
DARCY LOOKED into Elizabeth’s dressing room. She was just putting the stopper on her bottle of lotion and rubbing the last of it into her hands. She looked up when she felt his stomach behind her head. “I was just coming, could you not wait for me?”