I leave my bar stool and meet her at the end of the bar, pulling her into my arms and holding her to me for a few moments, silent and pensive. She lets me snuggle her close, her face pressed into my chest, her fingers playing in the hair at the nape of my neck. I breathe her in, trying to mentally prepare myself for this conversation. I’m not ready. I know I’m not ready. I could lose her right here. Easily. It could all slip through my fingers. The thought has my hands trembling, has me clasping her tighter to me.
“What’s going on, Raif?” Chloe asks after a moment, her voice scared.
“Well, I have been dying to get you on stage with us, so I talked to the guys and we all decided tonight would be your debut.” I begin.
She grunts to let me know that she heard me, waiting for me to continue. She looks up from my chest, her green eyes wary but patient. “What’s the rest, cupcake?”
I memorize her face, the freckles dotting her creamy skin, the thick black lashes fringing her shining green eyes, the elf-like pointed chin. Her high cheekbones, full mouth. I run my knuckles over her face, just to feel the silk of her skin under my touch. She shivers but doesn’t speak, still holding my eyes. Waiting me out.
I swallow. “Well, we got offered a record deal, Chloe Jane.” The statement leaves a bowling ball of anxiety in my stomach.
Her face goes incandescent with happiness. “Really?!” she bounces in my embrace. “Oh, congratulations. I’m so proud of you guys, I knew you could do it. I knew it.” Her eyes are wet with happy tears, joy radiating out of her. And then the other shoe drops. I see the curtain of uncertainty, of grief fall over her beautiful face. Watch the sunshine fade from her eyes. “Oh.” She says finally, her voice shaky now. “Right.”
“No decisions have been made, Chloe. I wouldn’t do that to you. We decided to think tonight, on our own, talk tomorrow and discuss what we’d like to do.”
She quirks a brow at me. “What’s to think about, though, Raif? This has been the goal from day one…” she holds my gaze and shakes her head. “No. You are not giving this up for me. No. We can figure it out, right? I mean—” I watch her heart stumble and I cut her off, not willing to let her think I’d want out of this for even a moment.
I cup her face in my hands. “Stop. I’m not giving you up, Chloe. No. I don’t want to be away from you. And this will mean moving to Nashville for at least a few months. Then possibly a tour, he said…” I swallow past the sudden lump in my throat. “I don’t like when I can’t wake up with you every morning as it is. We’re just getting started and now I have to leave you?” Her hand comes up to touch my jaw, her eyes lost.
“I know. But it’s not just about us, Raif. I can’t let you turn down this opportunity. Not for me. I’m not gonna stop loving you just cuz you’re not in town.” Her voice catches, and she forces a slow breath out, licks her lips and smiles at me, but I see the pain. “You have to chase those dreams. You guys have come so far. Don’t give up now. You deserve better.”
I know she’s right, no matter how much I hate it. I don’t want to go. I would rather give up the band, figure out something else to do with my life, as long as it includes loving Chloe. But I know my girl. I know that she will blame herself if I don’t do this. She will regret it on my behalf until it erodes everything that we are together. I can’t let that happen.
I lean down, claiming her mouth with my own, kissing her with everything I feel for her, trying to convey the depth of my emotions in the kiss. She kisses me back, but I can taste the salt of tears, and I’m not sure which one of us is shedding them.
Chapter 17
Chloe
Two weeks after Dell makes the offer to Renegades, I’m standing in Vi’s basement. It now contains almost all of Raif’s belongings that aren’t making the trek to Nashville with him. He’s giving up the rental house since the boys aren’t sure how long they’ll be gone. Why pay rent on an empty place? When the guys loaded up his bed into Bran’s truck, I got misty eyed. I guess I had started to feel like his place was ours. His bed was my bed, and so on. I shouldn’t have been presumptuous.
I feel like he’s never coming back. Crazy, I know, but these are the thoughts that have been plaguing me. Even though I pushed for this, I hate that he’s going. I feel like I’m being left behind. I mean, if he really didn’t want to be without me, he would’ve asked me to come along. Or I’m overthinking. I can’t be sure of anything anymore, and he hasn’t even left yet. I hate feeling like this.
“Penny for your thoughts, Chloe Jane…” Raif says, his arms coming around me from behind. He pulls me back against his chest, crossing his arms tight around my hips.
I swallow hard. “It’s just strange seeing it all here.”
“It is that.” He rests his chin on my shoulder. “I’m going to miss the house, I think. I didn’t think I would. Thanks to you, though…lots of good memories there.” He’s rambling a little, he must be nervous. Bran will be picking him up and driving them to the airport in Albany, an hour away. They all asked their families not to come to the airport, he said. Make things easier, he said. I don’t agree. I’ll get to go to work and feel the ache of missing him like a toothache throbbing through my whole body.
I sigh, but don’t speak. I’m afraid if I try, I’ll start sobbing and begging him not to go and I can’t do that. I can’t be selfish. They have all worked so hard and they deserve this shot. He turns me around and frowns when his blue-green eyes meet mine. His touch skitters over my jaw, and I see pain in his eyes, too.
“You know I don’t want to leave you, right?”
I nod, but still don’t speak. He opens and closes his mouth, runs his fingers through the length of my ponytail. “I love you, Chloe. Say the word and I’ll call Dell right now and take it all back. I’ll stay here with you any day, darlin’. I need you to know that.”
Tears swim in my eyes as I try to force out the words I know I have to say. He can’t do that for me. I’m not worth it. And it’s not fair to the other three. I choke down a sob and he pulls me into his chest. “I love you, too, but you can’t stay now. You gave your word. I thought we’d talked about your white knight tendencies.” My voice is muffled by the soft flannel of his shirt, but he understands.
“Chloe, I’d do anything for you, to hell with the rest of the world.” He says into my hair. His arms are tight around me, holding me against him like I might disappear if he lets go. And let’s be honest, when he lets go, he has only minutes until he’s getting picked up. And he’ll be the one disappearing.
I swallow down my tears, force a deep breath into my lungs and look up at him. “You have to go. Doesn’t matter if I’ll miss you like crazy.” My voice wobbles and tears still track down my cheeks. He grabs my face in his hands, leans down and kisses me like I’m the air he needs to keep breathing. I kiss him back with equal fervor, wanting to memorize the feeling of his mouth on mine, the rightness of it. Burn this moment on my brain for when he’s gone and the loneliness sets in. I can already feel it hovering around me, waiting to attack when he leaves.
I clutch at his shoulders, holding him against me, his hands find their way into my hair, pulling strands free from my already messy ponytail. He has me back against the wall, his body pressed right against mine, his mouth still owning mine when we hear someone coming down the basement stairs. I hear Luke clear his throat and pull my mouth from Raif’s, my breath stuttering out of me in pants.
Raif’s mouth comes back down on mine again; once, twice, three times, nibbling at my lips, exploring the inside of my mouth with quick sweeps of his tongue and I allow it. This is his goodbye, I know. When he pulls back this time, he rests his forehead against mine, his hands still on my face.
Luke sounds sincere when he says, “I’m sorry, guys. It’s time. We’d better get on the road.”
I make to move back but Raif won’t let me go, he kisses me again. “I love you, Chloe. We’ll talk all the time. We’ll make this work.”
I close my eyes for a moment, wanti
ng so badly to believe him. “I love you, too.” I say quietly, trying to stop crying. I open my eyes and find his watching me closely, and I try to smile at him. “We’ll be okay. Let me know when you get to Albany.”
He swallows, nods at me and steps back slowly, like it’s causing him physical pain to leave me. I can feel Luke’s eyes on us as Raif walks backwards until he’s next to our friend. Luke frowns at me. “Do you want me to send Vi down?” He asks as he steers Raif towards the stairs.
I shake my head. “I’ll be up in a minute. I just need to…” I swallow my excuse. “No, I’ll be okay.” I try again.
Luke looks back at me and nods. “Okay, sweet tart.” He watches me for a long moment and then leaves Raif by the stairs and comes over and pulls me into his arms. He hugs me fast and hard, holding me close to him, kissing the top of my head. “We’ll look after him.”
I smile up at him, lean up and kiss his cheek, “Look after yourself, too.”
Luke smiles back at me, more himself than he’s been in weeks. “I promise, I will.” He reaches up as if to stroke my cheek and then lets his hand drop and follows Raif’s earlier path away from me.
Raif waves, and I wave back at both of them. “Be safe,” I say. “I love you.” I blow him a kiss and watch as he walks away. I make my way to the bottom step and slump down onto it gracelessly. I hide my face in my hands and let myself cry for real. No matter how unreasonable someone else may find my fears, I can’t help but feel like I’ve lost Raif.
I don’t know how long I sit down there by myself crying. Eventually, though I hear more footsteps coming down the basement stairs and then a moment later, someone settles onto the step next to me. I feel a thin arm come around my shoulders and then my head is being pillowed against another female chest. The scent of gardenias is strong around me and I know it’s Violet. She strokes her hand over my hair comfortingly. “Hush, sweet tart, it’s gonna be okay. He’ll be back.”
I hug her back and sob into her t-shirt. “I’ve never been without him for any length of time.” I admit what’s been building inside me all day. “What if he never comes back, Vi? What if he gets down there and just realizes what a mess I am and decides to st-stay?”
Vi chuckles. “Oh honey. You’re nuts.” She kisses my head and pulls back to make me look at her. “My son has been in love with you for his whole life. You have to know that by now.”
I look at her, noting her sincerity. But I can’t get rid of this feeling. This ache that he’s gone, and he won’t be back. I frown at her. “I can’t help it. No one stays, Vi.” I have never said that out loud before, ever.
Her face softens, “Honey, I know that’s been your experience, but you have to have some faith. You and Raif will be okay. And Daisy and I are here for you, you’re not alone.” She smooths my hair away from my face. “Deep breaths. You get to be a mess today because you love him, and this is gonna be hard. But when you walk out of here today, you’re gonna woman up and keep it together. I know you can handle this,” she says, not unkindly.
I nod, looking at her. “You’re right,” I lie. “I’ll be fine.” I know she means well, I know she’s trying to help me bolster myself. Pump me up and all that. But Raif and Luke are my best friends in the world. Raif and the Saloon are pretty much my whole world. I have no idea what I’m going to do with myself without Raif or the other members of the band to worry over and take care of.
“I know I am,” she crows. “Now come on upstairs and eat something before you go to work. You don’t ever eat enough as far as I’m concerned.” I let her mother me a bit and follow her upstairs. She’s right about one thing, I do need to get it together. I will not let the whole town see me fall apart.
I find myself sinking over the next few days. It’s crazy really, how quickly it comes on me. The utter loneliness. I had thought my grandfather’s death was the hardest thing I would ever have to live through. He passed away five months and eight days ago. But I had Raif and Luke here to help me through that. This new aloneness leaves what I was feeling then in the dust. It was a tangle of grief and responsibilities. All I wanted was to honor Merle’s wishes. He had been mother, father, grandfather, friend and guardian to me over the course of my life. I owed him everything.
No one was more surprised than me when his will was read. I figured he'd want the business sold, and for me to have his house. He left everything to me, though. The only stipulation to any of it was that he wanted me to keep the ban he'd placed on my mother ever entering the Saloon. He'd long ago given up on reaching his only child and wanted to be sure I wouldn't waste my time or money on trying to mend fences with her when he was gone.
He knew me well. I had never felt so alone before as I have since he died. I was rudderless; lost. And I did have a very brief moment where I wished hopelessly that I could've grieved with my mother for our loss.
Silly pipe dreams on my part. My mother didn't even attend her father’s funeral. She showed up afterwards at the reception I held at the Saloon. She was drunk, possibly high; I couldn't tell. I was swathed too thickly in grief. She came stumbling in with some new man on her arm, bellowing about the place belonging to her now. Looking around, at the entire adult population of our very small town, I'd been horror struck and silent, my face flaming. This was her legacy, she was forever making a spectacle of herself and bringing shame to our family. Raif and Luke hustled her and her date out before she even had a chance to speak to me, though. I found it difficult to meet people's eyes for days afterwards as news of her most recent public fit trickled through town.
When Merle Morris passed away, he essentially left me alone in this world. Lilly May might still be walking the Earth, but she only ever cared about herself and her next fix, her next drink. Other than her two appearances at the Saloon, she had made no effort to reach out to me since the reading of my grandfather's will. And those were more about her getting a free drink than seeing me. Once she’d learned that she was completely excluded from the behests, she walked out of the reading of the will. She was waiting for me outside, though, and immediately tried to guilt me into going against her father's wishes. She wanted me to sign everything over to her. The memory still stings as much as it did when it first happened.
"Chloe, you're young, you can do anything. There's still a chance for you to get Luke to give you another shot. He'll take care of you. You don't need a bar. What are you gonna do with it? It's not like you know how to run it." Her lack of faith in me was nothing new, her voice a raspy whine as she leaned too close, letting me smell the tequila on her breath.
I winced at the stench and stepped back from her, shaking my head at her ridiculous statement. "You don't get it. Merle didn't want anything of his to be left to you." Her vivid red-painted lips thinned, and I pressed on. "He didn't trust you not to burn the place down." There would be no sugarcoating anything for her, no smoothing things over. She wouldn't understand no matter what I said, and I knew that. "What you think of me doesn't matter, it's about what he wanted. Go sleep it off before you embarrass yourself worse."
I went to turn and leave but her hand flashed out and slapped me hard across the face, making my head snap back, the settings on the cheap rings she wore ripping the flesh of my cheek. "You've always been a selfish little bitch. You poisoned my parents against me." Two points of color stood out on her sunken cheeks, deepening the flush of her overdone cosmetics. She'd been beautiful once, with long silky dark hair and big grey eyes. Before the years of drugs, drinking and too many cigarettes had roughened her, sucking all the vitality out of her, leaving her a dried-up husk of a woman.
Before I'd even had the time to respond to her false accusations, she'd fled the scene. I stood there a moment with my hand covering what would be a fat lip and nasty looking cuts and bruises on my face the next day. Then, feeling more alone than I ever had before in my life, I squared my shoulders and sought refuge in the quiet of the still closed Saloon.
I shake myself out of the memories. I got through it. Bu
t that was when I still had the boys to help carry me through. Now, though, they’re gone. They’re about to be living out their dreams. I always knew they’d get discovered and leave this one-horse town. I just never stopped to think about how much it would hurt me when they did.
Chapter 18
Raif
Allowing myself to be herded into Bran’s waiting truck when I know Chloe is crying in my mother’s basement is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I know it’s what has to be done, but I still feel like I’m leaving half of myself behind. I don’t know that I’ll ever forget the sight of her standing there trying to hold herself together so I can do what’s best for the band. It’s not right that we’re going without her.
“Penny for your thoughts,” Luke murmurs from beside me in the backseat.
I swallow around the lump in my throat and use my sleeve to wipe the tears from my face. “Just don’t like leaving her behind.”
Luke nods. “I don’t either,” he admits. “She’s one of us, but we’d have to convince her of that.” He sighs. “I don’t think she feels like she belongs anywhere, honestly. Her mother saw to that.” He sounds angry again and I tamp down the jealousy that tends to rise whenever he acts possessive or protective over Chloe. Which is insane because I know he’d never act on it, and I know Chloe doesn’t want him that way. Or I don’t think she does. I shake myself, focusing on Luke’s words and not my raging insecurity.
“She belongs.”
“I didn’t say I didn’t know that, Raif, I said she doesn’t think it.” His voice has more of a bite to it now, and I clench my jaw in response.
“Well I didn’t realize that.”
“I know, jackass. That’s why I’m tellin’ you.”
Bran clears his throat from the driver seat. “Okay, you two. Cut the shit right now, we have a long drive and then a flight and then we’re gonna be spending a lot of time together. So, get over your shit. Now, please.”
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