by Barbara Dee
♥ ♥ ♥
Third period was PE. As soon as I got to the locker room, I realized that I hadn’t thought through this part of the day. Obviously, I had to take off my sweater—but I wasn’t ready to show off Aunt Shelby’s bra. This one was okay-enough looking: It didn’t have a rhinestone or “My First Padded Bra” embroidered into it, and it was a completely decent shade of pink. But I knew that once my sweater was off, you’d be able to tell the cups were padded. And suddenly the thought of everyone seeing how I’d basically strapped tiny pillows to my chest made me feel like barfing.
So what I did was undress in the bathroom, then sprint into the locker room changing area like, Yay me, here I am, totally stoked for volleyball! When PE was over, I sprinted back into the bathroom like I desperately needed to pee and came out of the stall two minutes later, dressed for fourth-period English.
As I stepped out of the bathroom, Abi, Jules, and Mak were waiting for me.
“Lia, you all right?” Abi asked.
“What do you mean?” I said.
“Why are you avoiding us?” Mak asked. “We suddenly have cooties, or something?”
I stared at my shoes. “I just . . . have this . . . sort of rash. On my chest.”
“Oh, gross. Is it itchy?” Jules scratched her elbow. Probably she was remembering her poison ivy.
“Incredibly. But I’m sure it’s not contagious.”
Abi frowned. “But how do you know that, Lia? Did you go to the doctor?”
“Actually, my aunt Shelby knows a lot about skin things. So this weekend? When she visited? She brought me this lotion from some plant in the rain forest. I don’t remember the name, but it’s really kind of stinky, so . . .” I made a wincing sort of face.
“You could borrow some baby powder,” Jules offered. “I keep some in my locker.”
“That’s really nice,” I told her. “But no thanks! Because I don’t think I should mix baby powder and this Amazon lotion thingy. My chest might explode, haha.”
Abi put her arm around me. “Listen, Lia,” she said softly as she nudged me a few steps away from Mak and Jules. “If you need to go to the doctor and you don’t want your dad to go . . . I mean, my mom would totally take you whenever.”
“Thanks, Abi,” I said.
“So if you still have this rash tomorrow morning, just tell me, okay? And my mom will make an appointment at our dermatologist. He’s really nice.”
Up close to Abi I could see she had a bunch of blackheads on her nose, like poppy seeds. Maybe she went to the nice dermatologist to pop them. Or whatever dermatologists did. I didn’t like to think about it, to be perfectly honest.
“That’s really nice of your mom,” I said. “And you.”
“It’s not a big deal. We’re totally here for you, Lia. We all are.”
“Thanks, Abi. I know.”
All of a sudden hot, messy tears sprang into my eyes. Not only because Abi had reminded me about my mom, or rather, my lack of a mom, but also because I felt guilty about lying to my friends. Why had I made up a story about some nonexistent rash? Who cared if my dumb bra had a teeny bit of padding? For all I knew, my friends wore padding too. And the fact that I hadn’t even noticed if they wore padding just proved how silly it was to lie about it.
And here was Abi being so sweet to me, offering her own mom like a substitute for my missing one. My friends were awesome; I was crazy to think that Abi was just mean, or that Val was just an older Mean Girl with a mom-ponytail. What was wrong with me? Maybe my brain was scrambled due to hormones.
If I even had any. Probably I didn’t; that would explain my need for a fake-boob bra.
I scratched my pretend rash on my pretend chest.
“Thank you,” I repeated, to no one in particular.
Body Switch
AT LUNCH ABI HAD “A fun question” for us: “If you could switch bodies with anyone else you know personally, whose body would it be?”
Mak groaned. “Is this Truth or Dare? Because you know I’m not playing that game anymore.”
“It’s just a question,” Abi replied. “But everyone should still answer truthfully.”
“Can I say a movie star?” Jules asked, giggling. That day she was wearing a pair of complicated dangly earrings her sister had passed on to her, and when she laughed, all the earring parts quivered.
“Not unless you know the movie star personally,” Abi replied.
“Okay,” Jules said. “Then it would have to be Mak.”
Mak snorted. “No, seriously, Julesie.”
“I am serious. You’re so strong. You have arm muscles. You’re tall. You don’t sunburn, and you look like a swimmer goddess in a bathing suit.”
“Oh, pul-lease,” Makayla said. But she was trying not to smile. “Who would you pick, Abi?”
“Jules,” Abi said. She was looking right at Mak, though, as if she were challenging her.
Jules rolled her eyes.
“No, it’s true,” Abi told Jules. “You’re so small and curvy. You look cute in everything, even when you’re wearing one of your sister’s old hand-me-downs.”
“Well, thanks.” Jules smiled and blushed pink, as if she didn’t even hear the part about “old hand-me-downs.” “What about you, Mak?”
Mak chewed her turkey sandwich thoughtfully. Then she answered, “Well, Sarita, I guess. She has really long arms and legs, which is a big advantage if you’re a swimmer. And her feet are really big too, so she gets a lot of flipper action.”
Abi guffawed.
“Why is that funny?” Mak demanded.
“I don’t know. I didn’t expect you’d say, ‘I’d rather be Bigfoot.’ ”
“Because you’re not a swimmer. And maybe you’re slightly jealous of Sarita.”
“What? Why would I be?”
“I don’t know, Abi. You tell me.”
Abi and Mak glared at each other across the lunch table. Abi’s lower lip started to tremble. Mak hunched her shoulders, like she was expecting an attack.
Uh-oh, I thought. Here we go.
Jules must have been thinking the same thing, because she turned to me. “What about you, Lia?” she asked loudly.
“Let’s all guess,” Abi said. “Ooh, I know. Ruby Lewis?”
“Shut up,” Jules said, giggling.
“Seriously. What is Ruby’s problem? Someone needs to talk to that girl.”
“And say what?” Mak challenged Abi. “ ‘Excuse me, but have you considered not jiggling quite so much?’ ”
Jules smiled sympathetically. “Ruby just needs a bra. Someone should tell her.”
“Like who?” Mak demanded.
“Doesn’t she have a mom?” I asked.
“Divorced. Ruby lives with her dad,” Abi informed us. “What I heard was she sees her mom, like, once a year. Tops.”
“Don’t say ‘tops,’ ” Mak said.
Jules put her hand over her mouth to cover up her giggle. “But really, only once a year? That’s so sad.”
Then she peeked at me guiltily, as if Ruby’s once-a-year mom situation wasn’t the worst thing she could think of. I pretended not to notice.
“You know what I think?” Abi said. “Someone should go to the mall and buy Ruby a bra and just, like, slip it into her gym locker.”
“What? No,” I said, horrified.
Everyone looked at me curiously. Even Marley, who hadn’t said a word the whole time.
“Why not?” Abi pressed. “It would be an anonymous gift.”
“I just don’t think she’d take it the right way,” I said quickly. “What if someone’s mom talked to Ruby instead? Like Val, maybe?” I turned to Abi. “Because, I mean, if anyone’s mom could do something like that, it would be yours.”
As I said this I got the irony of suggesting Val, of all people, to talk to Ruby instead of slipping a bra into Ruby’s locker. But even so, I meant it as a compliment to Val.
So I was surprised that Abi scowled at me. “My mom has enough stuff to
do these days, you know? And anyway, Lia, you never gave your answer.”
“About the body-switching thing?” I took a breath. “Well, I hate to admit this, but I’d have to say Logan.”
“You mean that girl Tanner cheated on?” Jules asked. Her eyes widened.
I nodded. “Yeah. She wasn’t a nice person, or anything, but truthfully, I wish I could look like her in a bikini.”
Was Jules finally noticing my fake chest? She was definitely looking me over. “Well, Lia, I’m sure you’d look fine in a bikini, if you ever wore one. And don’t forget, Tanner cheated on Logan to be with you.”
“Yeah,” I said. “I guess.”
Also, was Abi narrowing her eyes as if she didn’t believe me? Or was it just my guilty conscience?
“Lia, how old did you say Logan was?” Abi asked.
Had I said anything about Logan’s age? I couldn’t remember, but I didn’t want to contradict myself. “Fourteen, maybe?”
Abi blinked. “Wow. So you’re saying that this Tanner guy cheated on a gorgeous girl his own age to make out with you.”
“We didn’t make out. We kissed. Once.” I was sweating; soon I’d need to wring out the padding.
“Maybe he thought Lia was nicer than Logan,” Jules suggested.
“Mmmf,” Abi said. “Maybe.” She was having an eye conversation with Mak; I was sure of it.
“What about you, Marley?” I asked desperately.
Marley picked a blob of cheese off her pizza. “What about me what?”
“Who would you pick?”
“Whose nose would I pick?”
“No, you dummy,” Mak said. “Whose body?”
“Yeah, I heard the question, Makayla. Well. Since you’re forcing me to join in this conversation, I have to tell you truthfully that I think it’s a stupid question and I refuse to answer it. I think we should all be happy with the bodies we have and not be jealous of other people. And not be making fun of Ruby, who’s actually a very nice person. Also, I think worrying about how you look in a bikini is boring and a waste of brainpower. If you really want to wear a bikini, Lia, then just do it.”
I felt slapped.
Abi’s mouth twisted. “Marley, can you please explain something? Why do you always have to ruin everything?”
“I’m not ruining anything,” Marley said calmly. “You said I had to answer your question, so I did.”
“It’s Marley’s opinion,” I said weakly.
Abi ignored me. “And, Marley, why are you even sitting with us if you don’t want to join in? Go sit with your boyfriend, Graydon. You know you want to!”
Marley shot me a look from under her bangs.
“Why don’t you kiss him, Marley?” Abi continued. “Go ahead. We all dare you.”
“Not me,” I muttered.
Abi raised her eyebrows. “Really, Lia? Why? Oh, because you like him too?”
“Nobody likes anybody,” Marley growled. She stood. “You know what? I’m done. I really don’t understand why you all keep playing stupid games or answering Abi’s stupid questions. Any of you. Especially Lia.”
She grabbed her remaining pizza crust, tossed it into the nearby trash, and headed quickly toward the lunchroom doors.
“Marley, wait,” I said.
But the thing was, she never did.
Closed Fist
I DIDN’T SEE MARLEY UNTIL dismissal, and only then because I stalked her. Well, not stalked her, but waited by her locker, where I knew she couldn’t avoid me. And then followed her out of the building as she tried to escape.
“Marley, are you going to keep ignoring me?” I shouted at her back.
A block from school she slowed down to let me catch up. “I’m not ignoring you, Lia. I just have nothing else to say.”
“Marley,” I said, trying to catch my breath. “I know you never liked the Truth or Dare game; you said so at the beginning. But it’s over; we’re not even playing it anymore!”
“Yeah, and now everyone’s being all truthful with each other, right?” Her eyes pierced me through her glasses.
“Well, yeah,” I said.
She kicked some pebbles. “Lia, I used to feel like we got each other, you know? But lately I don’t know. I don’t know you.”
“What do you mean?”
“The way you let Abi bully you into talking about your mom—”
“She didn’t bully me. I told you, I wanted to talk about it!”
“Yeah? So how come you never did before that time in the diner? Plus, the way you made up that ridiculous story about kissing Tanner.”
“Why was it ridiculous?”
“High school freshmen don’t make out with twelve-year-olds. If he’d kissed you on a public beach, someone would have punched him or told your aunt. And all that stuff about his nasty girlfriend with the bikini body—”
“But Logan does look great in a bikini! That was true!”
“Okay, whatever. Fine. And the way you lied about your period.”
We stared at each other.
“What?” I could barely breathe.
“That was a lie, wasn’t it? You haven’t started your period yet, have you?”
“No,” I murmured. “You’re right. I haven’t.” My arms crossed my padded chest. “How could you tell?”
“I’m a visual person, right? I notice things.” She pushed her bangs out of her eyes. “Like how whenever Jules gets her period, her hair is flat and greasy and she has zits on her forehead. And when Makayla got her first period? I knew it was coming, because she kept rubbing her belly like she had cramps.”
“What about Abi?”
“Truthfully, I haven’t noticed much, except how moody and mean she’s been lately.”
I nodded. It was a relief to hear someone say it. “And me?”
“You? Okay, you, Lia.” She began counting off her fingers. “You’ve been totally flat until today. Your hair is always the same. Your skin isn’t oily. You don’t get zits. You don’t smell after gym. You don’t talk about food cravings. You never act tired or crampy or grumpy for no reason. Should I go on?”
I shook my head. I couldn’t bear to hear any more symptoms.
“So how come you lied about it?” Marley asked.
“I don’t know,” I wailed. “All that camp talk, I guess; I just felt so left out. Didn’t you?”
Marley stuffed her hands into the front pocket of her sweatshirt. “Not really. What’s so great about getting a period?”
“It’s not only about that. It’s about—” What was it about, really? I stared down the street. “Not being left behind.”
As soon as I said these words, my throat felt as if I’d swallowed something hard, like sea glass. That was it: I felt stranded. Like I was on a beach by myself, watching everybody swim away. Mom, Abi, Jules, Mak—
Marley frowned. “You think Abi and Jules and Mak are more mature than you? Just because they bleed once a month?”
“No,” I admitted. “But it just feels like they’re doing all this stuff, I don’t know, moving forward without us. Doesn’t it feel that way to you?”
“If it does, I don’t care. Maybe I never wanted to be included with them in the first place.”
I didn’t know what to say to that. All this time I’d felt as if I were Marley’s one true ally, the only one who was keeping her in the group, and she didn’t even want to be included? “So can I ask you something? Why did you hang out with those guys if you hated it so much?”
“Because you were there, Lia. And we were friends.”
“Were?”
She sighed. “Lia, I honestly don’t know if I want to be friends with you anymore. Not just because you lied so much. Because you do whatever Abi says.”
Of everything she’d accused me of, this seemed the most unfair. “But that’s not true! I challenge her all the time. I always stick up for you—”
“Yeah, thanks. I stick up for you too. And now we both don’t have to anymore.”
Some eigh
th-grade boys skateboarded past us. They looked like they were having good dumb fun, the way boys could.
Marley watched them, shielding her eyes from the sun. “I don’t know, Lia—since the summer, it’s like you’ve changed.”
“Me? How can you say that, Marley? Except for you, I’m the only one of us who hasn’t changed. That’s why I lied!”
She shrugged. “Listen, I have a tutor coming, and my mom will kill me if I’m late, so . . .”
She reached into her jeans pocket. Then she held out a closed fist, as if she wanted me to guess what was in her hand.
“What is that?” I asked nervously.
“Just take them, okay?”
Her fist opened. But I didn’t even have to look to know what they were.
The pieces of sea glass I’d given her at the end of the summer: green, ice blue, and white.
Apples and Oranges
ON TUESDAY MORNING MARLEY SPENT all of homeroom sketching in her sketchbook. I didn’t try to talk to her, because the truth was, I couldn’t face her. She’d seen right through me all this time and she hadn’t said a word about it—not to the other girls and not to me. Even though I didn’t deserve it, I knew she’d been protecting me, or trying to. Until I guess she couldn’t do it anymore, starting when Abi made her answer that dumb body-switching question.
But now I was worried about Marley. If she quit our group, who were her friends? Where was she going to sit at lunch? Who would she hang out with after school and on weekends? Who would she send her turtle drawings to? She didn’t have other friends in our grade, at least none I could name. It didn’t seem fair that she should lose her whole social life over my stupid, selfish behavior. Even if she said she didn’t want to be included, how could that possibly be true?
But that wasn’t the only worry of the day. In PE I’d decided to change my clothes in front of my locker, because I knew if I hid in the bathroom again, Abi would drag me to her dermatologist after school. I slipped into my yoga pants, and just as I was changing into a dumb tee Aunt Shelby gave me (HONK IF YOU’RE A MAINE-IAC), Abi came running over.