by Aliyah Burke
“But”
“No, you listen to me. It attacks women nine times more often than men. But we can’t let that stop us from living. Kassidy, life is fragile and can be taken away at any moment. We do our best to prolong life, take care of ourselves and all of that, but truth be told, there is no guarantee on longevity. You have a perfectly healthy immune system.”
“Can’t that change?” Her brain had locked on to the fact she could get it.
“Yes, anything is possible and it could change, at some time in the future, but right now, Kassidy, at this moment, all your blood work came back fine. Your blood pressure is a little high but that’s understandable considering you’ve just buried your mother and you’re worrying about this. You eat well, you exercise.”
“But I’m more prone to getting it versus someone else.”
“African Americans and Asians get Lupus more than other races.” She laid her palms out flat on the desk. “Listen to me, Kassidy. We could spend all day going back and forth about the stats on this. I know you’re frightened, given what you’ve just been through, I understand. But right here, right now, you do not have Lupus.”
Kassidy sat there in silence and stared at the doctor. “I’m scared,” she finally said in a whisper.
Compassion filled the woman’s face and she reached across the desk and took one of Kassidy’s hands. Her touch was warm and calming.
“Just because something happens to one of our parents does not automatically mean it will happen to us. Yes, there are things like heart disease, cancer, and stuff if it is prone in a family line one should be more cautious but, you can’t go jump into a plastic bubble because of this.”
Hiding in a bubble sounded pretty darn good right about then. With a nod, she squeezed Marta’s hand and got to her feet. “Thank you for taking the time to talk to me.”
Doctor Lémieux rose as well. “My door is always open for you, Kassidy. You know that. If you have any other questions let me know.”
“I will. Have a nice day.”
She left and headed out to her car. The winds whipped through the area and she fought off the shivers. In her car, she sat in the parking lot while it warmed up. A lot of thoughts raced through her head.
Back home, she sat on her sofa with Libby and tried to sort through those thoughts. The love her parents had was something she’d always wished for. But the pain her father currently experienced for losing his love of so many years wasn’t something she was sure she could handle, to love so passionately and so deep only to have it taken away from you so prematurely, so suddenly.
I don’t think I’m strong enough for that. Tears gathered in her eyes as she reached over her dog and lifted the receiver off its base.
* * * *
Justice swallowed back the bile that swamped him at the message on his cell phone. He sank to a bench in the locker room and listened to it one more time, as if that would make it clearer.
“Hi Justice, it’s… it’s me, Kassidy. I know this is wrong to do over the phone but it’s the only way I can. I think we need to take a break from each other. I’m just… I just need some time, some alone time, to sort things out in my head. I really appreciate you being there for me during the funeral but I think we need to step back before anyone gets hurt.”
Then it ended.
Before anyone gets hurt. He was dying inside. I tell her I love her and she tells me she wants to take a break. On his feet, he grabbed his bag and left. He drove to her house and knocked. No answer.
“Kassidy,” he called out, trying to peer in through the windows. “Open the door so we can talk.”
Nothing.
Whipping out his cell, he dialed her number. He could hear the phone ring but there was no answer. He ended the call and cleared the steps as he returned to his vehicle. Her car sat there in the drive but she declined to come to the door or take his call if she was in the house.
He sat there and drummed his fingers on the steering wheel and debated his next move. With a groan he drove home to take care of Duke. As he ran with the lab, he tried to figure out what scared her. Was it my telling her I loved her? The cold winter air stung his eyes but the rhythmic pounding of his feet had the impression of familiarity and grounded him.
Back at his apartment, clean and fed, he picked up his phone and tried her number again. Both of them. There was no answer on either. When his landline rang he scrambled to grab it.
“Hello?”
“Hi, Justice, this is Carly.”
He sighed. “Hi, Carly, what can I do for you?”
“There’s been a development and I was wondering if you could come to my office today and we can discuss it. I’d rather do it face to face versus over the phone.”
His heart skipped a few beats. “Sure.” He glanced at his watch. Three-thirty. “Does five work for you? Or is there a better time?”
“Five would be fine. I’ll see you then.”
“Sure thing.” He hung up and looked at Duke who remained at his side. He’d grown accustomed to having the dog in his life. “Come on, boy. I think it’s time you got to see my mom’s house for a bit.”
He loaded up into his car and drove to his mother’s home. At the house, he looked at Duke and said, “Best behavior here, ‘kay?” The dog huffed as if indignant. Justice laughed.
At the door he knocked and swung it in. “Mom! Grandpa! It’s just me.”
“Hi, Jamal,” his mom said, coming down the stairs with a welcoming smile on her face. She kissed his cheek and glanced between him and Duke. “Why is there a dog in my house?”
“This is Duke, mom. Torrie’s dog.” His mom had met Torrie, but Duke had not been there.
“Ahh.” She scratched her temple. “And is he… umm… well behaved?”
“You won’t even know he’s here.”
She scoffed. “Right, like I didn’t know about the turtles you tried to hide in the house? Or the squirrels?”
He shrugged shamelessly. “You were too good of a detective for me, mom.”
“Humph. Come on, grandpa’s in the kitchen.” They began that direction and she halted him with a hand on the arm. “Where’s Kassidy? You two need to come for dinner.”
Kassidy. Was it possible to experience a heart being torn in two more than once in a day?
“I don’t know if she is in my life anymore, mom.”
“What happened?”
“I don’t know. I got a message on my phone today about her believing it best if we took a break from one another, before anyone gets really hurt.”
Compassion filled his mom’s brown gaze. “She just lost her mother, give her some time. She sounds scared.”
“Of what? I’ve done nothing but be there for her? She knows I won’t hurt her.”
“Maybe it’s not her she’s trying to protect.”
He frowned. “What do you mean?”
“Did you ever think she may be trying to protect you from being hurt?” That stopped him cold. His mom gave him a soft smile. “Think about it, son.”
His grandpa walked out of the kitchen and engaged him in a conversation. He convinced his mom to keep Duke while he went to talk to Carly. All the way to his meeting, he ran over his mom’s final question to him. Why would Kassidy feel the need to protect him?
He hurried into the child services building and continued on to Carly’s office. The room was mostly quiet but he found her hard at work, fingers flying across the keyboard as she typed.
“Carly,” he said softly.
“Justice,” she replied with a tired smile.
“Sorry I’m late, hit a bit of traffic on my way.”
She waved a hand and gestured to a chair. “No problem. Have a seat.”
He did and waited for her to say whatever was on her mind. “Okay, so like I said on the phone I have some news for you. I want to preface this by saying don’t get too excited.”
A thrill ran down his spine. Good news. “What’s the news?”
“I managed t
o pull some strings and can get you an appearance before a judge in regards to Torrie. Now, you have to make sure one hundred percent this is what you want to do before I tell them yes.”
“Yes,” he blurted out. “There is no doubt within me that this is what I want.”
She held his gaze for a few moments, her green eyes exhausted but sharp. “Okay. Now even before you get before the judge I’ll tell you, they want to make sure you have a good enough setup to care for her. You have a place where she can have her own room?”
“Yes. I can show you my apartment and if you think I need something different, let me know and I’ll begin looking immediately. I’m willing to do whatever necessary to keep Torrie as my own.”
“Okay, let’s do that. We can talk more there.”
“Great.”
When Carly left his apartment, he was feeling better than he had since he listened to the message from Kassidy. He had a chance to have Torrie. All that could make it better would be to share it with her. But his calls to both numbers went unanswered again. And it went like that for the next three weeks. She wasn’t at the library when he went, and she never answered the door nor took his calls.
He met a few of his friends for a late dinner one night at a local chain restaurant. As they walked out, he spotted her leaving a shop across the street with her father. “I’ll catch y’all later,” he said before dashing across.
“Kassidy! Mr. Barrow,” he said as he pulled up beside them.
“Hello again, Justice,” Ethan welcomed him. Kassidy didn’t say anything.
He couldn’t tear his gaze from her. Even in the glow of the streetlight she was the most gorgeous thing he’d ever laid eyes upon. Her thick hair sat below a multihued stocking cap and those big gray with green orbs she called eyes stared back at him. Her cheeks had an endearing flush to them.
“How have you been?” Kassidy’s father asked.
“Fine, sir, thank you for asking. And yourself?” He continued to stare at Kassidy.
“Taking it one day at a time.”
“Kassidy?”
He could see it in her eyes, the desire to touch him but as quickly as it raised its head, it disappeared.
“Nice to see you, Justice. We… we… should be going. Goodbye.” She wheeled around and scurried on her way. “Come on, dad.”
Ethan looked between the two of them with confusion in his expression. “Good to see you again, son.”
“Yes, sir.”
He kept watch on Kassidy as she ran from him. She slowed at the corner and paused. When her father caught up to her, she cast a glance over her shoulder. It may have just been his imagination but he believed he saw some tears in her eyes. Then she was gone. Vanished into the night.
It seemed someone had taken a knife and stabbed him in the gut before twisting it a few times for good measure. It was over. Kassidy left with barely a word for him. He felt sick all the way back to his place.
“What did you say about no one being hurt, Kassidy?” he asked his quiet apartment. “Because I damn sure feel hurt.”
He went through days on automatic. Torrie made him smile and he tried a few more times to get through to Kassidy, but there was nothing coming from her. No response. No anything. There wasn’t anything anyone could say that would make him feel better. Bottom line was, he hurt. And despite everything, he knew he still loved her.
He remembered Miz Dottie’s words about how Kassidy would turn inward. So maybe, maybe there was still hope. Forcing her to the back of his mind, he focused on his upcoming court date and making sure he had everything he could in his favor.
* * * *
Kassidy sat with Arlen and her father at her house. Sari was playing on the floor with Libby. Pizza sat on the coffee table and an unusual appearance of snow fell outside, hiding the city in a blanket of white.
“What are you doing, Kas?” her father asked her.
“About what, dad?”
“Justice. What is going on with you two? You barely said a thing to him when we saw him in the street and then you walked away from him. Which one, was rude, and two, totally unlike you.”
“We’re not dating anymore.” The words hurt to say.
“Why?” he asked. A question echoed by Arlen.
“I just…” She closed her mouth with a shrug, unsure of what to say.
“Does this have to do with your mom’s death?”
She wanted to lie and say something like she and Justice just weren’t a good fit but she couldn’t. So she nodded in silence. Her dad and Arlen shared a look and in the next second, Arlen, Sari, and Libby were all bundled up and had gone outside to play in the snow, leaving her alone with her father.
He moved the pizza to the side and sat on the coffee table before he reached for and captured her hands in his. “I was afraid that had something to do with it. Listen to me, baby girl, and listen well. Don’t live your life in fear of what might happen. I don’t want that for you and I know your mother wouldn’t.”
“Why didn’t she tell me she had Lupus?”
“Kassidy, do you remember in school when that little boy was diagnosed with mono, and you spent the next four months obsessing over the fact you may get it. You’ve always been like that with sickness. She didn’t want you to worry. You go to the doctor and are very careful. I know you’re hurt by the fact we kept it from you but she didn’t want you to worry or baby her.”
It hurt her to admit it, but he had a good point. “Okay,” she said with a sigh.
“Now, why are you and Justice no longer together?”
She didn’t answer.
“Your mama loved life, Kassidy, and would want you to do the same. Grab happiness and make it your own.” He squeezed her hands. “I don’t know what’s going on with you and Justice, but if you’re running away just because you’re scared of what may be in the future, you’re going to be alone. I don’t want you to be alone. I want to know that you have someone in your life who loves you so much he will do anything for you. And I think we both know who that is.”
The thought of losing her father hurt her heart. So does the thought of never being with Justice again. “I’ve ignored him for three weeks, daddy. I don’t know if there is anything to salvage.”
“Nothing worth having is easy, darling. You need to fight. Remember it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”
“Would you do it again, daddy? Even knowing this would happen?”
He reached out and tucked some hair behind her ear. “In a heartbeat, Kassidy. In a heartbeat. The years I spent with your mom were the best of my life. I will always love her. True, she was taken from us too soon but the love we had for one another transcends all that. I know she’s waiting for me. I’ve had my chance at love, Kassidy. Don’t run from yours, go get it.”
She blinked and licked her lips. He kissed her on the cheek and ruffled her hair like he used to do when she was a child. The door opened and Libby came back in with Arlen and Sari in tow. The wet nose shoved against her made her laugh and squeal, shutting her eyes against the coldness. She shivered and opened her eyes to find Sari there with a small snowball in hand.
“What are you doing with that?” she asked.
“Daddy said to give it to you.”
Lifting a brow in Arlen’s direction, she said, “Did he now?”
“Uh huh. He wanted me to put it down your neck but then you wouldn’t be able to see how pretty it was.”
Masculine laughter filled her living room and she smiled. Hard to argue with the logic of a child.
“I think your daddy wants to have a snowball fight.” She winked at Sari. “Let me get my coat on and we’ll go.”
“Yes!” Sari yelled and bounced around.
Before long everyone was out in the yard having fun playing in the snow, including her dad. Libby ran between everyone jumping and chasing any snowball thrown for her. After everyone had left, she sat cross-legged on the sofa with the phone in her hand.
; Don’t run from yours, go get it. Her dad’s words ran like a litany through her mind. With a groan she dropped the phone beside her and hugged a pillow to her chest. A wuss, I’m a wuss.
Wimp works too, her subconscious informed her.
“It sure does,” she muttered in disgust. “Tomorrow. I’ll call him tomorrow.”
Her night was restless and she didn’t feel all that confident in the morning when she woke. She let Libby out and got ready for her day. Around eight-thirty she lifted herself up on the kitchen counter and dialed Justice’s cell. It went to voicemail so she hung up without leaving a message and with a swallow to help fortify her nerves she dialed his home phone. Same thing. No answer.
She sighed and left for work. Lucy met her for dinner and afterward they went out to a movie, just to relax and spend time together. They headed to a diner for some dessert where she filled Lucy in on everything.
Lucy chewed slowly on her bite of cheesecake, her head tilted at an angle so the style of her hair covered her eyes. Kassidy waited for her to say something.
“Seems to me you need to go hunt him down.”
“It was just one day, Luce. He has days where he doesn’t come home for at least twenty-four hours.”
“Okay, so then what’s the problem?”
Leave it to Lucy to bypass everything and get to the heart of the matter. “What if”
“What if he treats you like you did him?”
Exactly. “Yes,” she said on a whisper.
“I don’t know what to tell you, Kas. I hope what I saw in him when he looked at you is still there, but he is a man. You’ve shunned him for over three weeks.”
“I thought you were supposed to be my friend,” she griped, stabbing her coconut cake.
“I am your friend, which is exactly why I’m not gonna blow smoke up your butt. You hurt him, Kas, you need to understand that.”