The Great Kitten Cake Off

by Anna Wilson

  It was an image that was too good to waste, that was for sure.

  I looked up at the multicoloured bunting that I knew so well from the TV programme. I felt I needed to pinch myself hard.

  In so many ways it was a miracle I was there, not least because of Dad’s obsessive car-parking habits. I swear he treats it like an Olympic sport. If there was a medal for Getting Your Car As Close To the Venue As Possible, he would win gold every time. Even though it would take him all morning to achieve it.

  ‘Matt, I have to say you have done us proud,’ said Mum. ‘Couldn’t have got us any closer unless you had driven us right into Pete Jollyspoon’s arms. Not that I would have complained if you had,’ she added, giggling.

  ‘Mu-um!’ I groaned.

  Ted laughed. He leaned in and whispered, ‘Your mum’s cool. But don’t tell her I said that.’

  ‘Don’t worry, I won’t,’ I muttered.

  Ted had insisted on coming, and I was glad, however mortifying Mum and Dad were being. If I had only my family with me, I would probably have refused to get out of the car. Ted was doing a good job of keeping me (kind of) calm and was a great distraction from Charlie. My little brother was so overexcited, if Ted had not been there I might have actually killed him.

  ‘We do get to go to the party in the garden at the end of the show, don’t we?’ Charlie wittered. ‘I can’t wait to get everyone’s autographs. Do you think they’ll let me film it? I could put it on my website.’

  Charlie had been obsessed with ‘developing’ his video blog website ever since Ted first introduced him to the idea a few weeks ago. It had been a great idea because it had meant Charlie concentrated on filming Kitkat’s antics instead of filming me baking. The weird thing was, he had had loads of hits on his website already. Who would have thought that one naughty little kitten could turn out to be such an internet sensation? I had to admit to being a tiny bit proud of my brother. Not to mention intensely grateful to Ted.

  I was so not going to let Charlie ruin the day with his filming obsession, though.

  ‘Chazzer,’ I said warningly. ‘If you even think about getting your camera out during the party, I will force Mum and Dad to take you straight home.’

  Deep down, I wasn’t sure I would survive until the party anyway. My nerves had churned me up so much I felt as though I might keel over at any moment.

  Dad stepped in. ‘Charlie, let’s go and look at those famous squirrels you always see on the TV programme. Perhaps you can film them instead? Coming, Kate?’

  ‘In a minute,’ said Mum. She was hovering near the entrance to the famous Tepee. ‘I want to see if Pete will come out and say hello to everyone.’

  The mere thought of meeting Pete Jollyspoon in real life made my stomach churn even more. I backed away from the tent . . . and into Ted, who grabbed my hand and squeezed it reassuringly.

  Dad looked at Mum, and then gestured pointedly to me and Ted. ‘Kate,’ he said. ‘I think we should go. Now.’

  Mum looked annoyed but said, ‘OK, OK, I’m coming.’

  As I watched my family walk away from the Tepee, I wished they could take me with them.

  I turned to Ted. ‘I think I should leave.’

  ‘Don’t start,’ Ted teased. ‘It’s going to be awesome!’ He made his way into the Tepee with the bags he had been carrying, forcing me to follow. ‘I bet no one else has your artistic skills,’ he added. ‘I know Georgie doesn’t.’ He looked sad as he said this.

  ‘Hey, what’s up?’ I asked. I took the bags from him and plonked them on the work surface.

  ‘Georgie was a nightmare again this morning,’ he said. ‘She told me I was a useless brother and said I had “no sense of family loyalty”. She’s right, of course,’ he added.

  ‘Oh, flip! I’m sorry,’ I said. ‘This is all my fault—’

  ‘No, she’s the one being an idiot,’ Ted said. ‘Anyway, it’s not as though she hasn’t had help – Mads is a great cook. It’s just – I’m kind of dreading her being here too.’

  ‘Hmm.’ I didn’t trust myself to say any more than that. He was dreading Georgie being there? How did he think I felt? The past few weeks had been so stressful. Even though it seemed like everyone at school had finally forgotten about the Toothpaste Incident, I still missed Mads like crazy. We had never had a falling out like this before. I looked around anxiously, wondering when Georgie would arrive.

  Ted nudged me. ‘Hey, did you hear what I said?’

  ‘What?’

  He rolled his eyes. ‘You’re on another planet! I asked if you needed a hand sorting out this lot,’ he said, gesturing to the bags.

  ‘I – I dunno . . . I feel a bit sick actually,’ I said. ‘Why don’t you do The Cake Off instead of me? You were the one who was supposed to get a place on the show. I reckon Mads was too. It’s all just a terrible mistake. I think I might go and talk to someone and explain.’ I made a move, but Ted stopped me, grabbing my wrist.

  ‘Ellie,’ he said. ‘You’ve had loads of practice. You’ll be fine. You’ll be more than fine, you’ll be—’

  Ted had stopped abruptly. ‘It’s Sam and Sid!’ he breathed.

  I turned slowly, my heart pounding, to see the famous television presenters heading straight for us, looking exactly as they did on camera. Sam was wearing his trademark ripped jeans and white T-shirt, his black-rimmed glasses framing his mischievous, sparkly eyes. Sid was wearing a red-and-white stripy top and jeans and was grinning through his floppy blond fringe. They were both coming towards us.

  ‘Hey, guys!’ called Sam. ‘Welcome to “the Tepee”. . .’ He hooked his fingers around the words. ‘So, you must be Ellie Haines?’ he added, ‘Unless this tall, handsome bloke is a girl in disguise?’

  ‘No, it’s me,’ I said, raising a hand as though I was in class. Why was I being so lame?

  ‘I hope you’ve not smuggled in an extra pair of hands,’ Sid joked.

  ‘Sorry?’

  ‘Your friend here,’ said Sam, nodding at Ted.

  ‘No, no, I’m just . . . er, carrying Ellie’s stuff,’ Ted mumbled. ‘Could I – Would it be OK if I had your autographs?’

  Sam beamed. ‘Of course you can.’

  ‘And then you must leave. Or –’ Sid paused and raised one eyebrow – ‘we shall have to kill you,’ he said, in a fake Russian-spy voice.

  ‘Yeah, sorry, of course,’ Ted blustered. ‘Didn’t mean to get in the way.’

  ‘He’s joking!’ said Sam. ‘It’s only Pete “Mister Laser Eyes” Jollyspoon who does the slaying around here . . . Joke again!’ he said hastily, as Ted looked even more worried. ‘Have you got a pen and something to write on?’

  ‘Oh, right.’ Ted coughed to hide his embarrassment. ‘Hang on a minute.’ He dug around in his pocket. ‘Here,’ he said. ‘Could you write it “To Ted and Ellie”?’ he asked.

  I looked at him sharply, but he refused to meet my eyes. ‘Ted and Ellie’? A fluttering started up in my chest like a whole field of butterflies.

  I looked away and tried to distract myself, and immediately saw something guaranteed to make my heart beat faster for quite a different reason.

  Georgie had arrived. With Mads in tow.

  Mads’s expression when she saw me was definitely of the ‘if looks could kill’ variety. She did not look that happy with Georgie either, however. Georgie had made a big entrance to draw attention to herself, and was now loudly telling Mads what to do with her bags.

  She left Mads slaving away, and sashayed over towards me. While Ted was still talking to Sam and Sid, she took the opportunity to hiss, ‘Well . . . look who it isn’t? Ellie “the Pain” Haines. I didn’t think you’d have the guts to turn up today after your latest baking disaster.’ She tittered. ‘I hope you’ve checked your stuff to make sure your dirty little kitten hasn’t snuck his way in today. Actually,’ she added, ‘I hope you have brought him with you. It would be hilarious to see him make a mess of your cooking on camera!’

  Ted had finished talkin
g to Sam and Sid, and now turned to his twin, looking awkward. ‘Hey, Georgie,’ he said. ‘Good luck for the competition.’

  Georgie snorted. ‘Like you mean it.’ She looked me up and down. ‘We all know you want your little girlfriend here to win, so spare me the Mister-Nice-Guy act. Mum and Dad are outside. Why don’t you go and see them? Unless you’ve turned your back on all the family?’

  Ted’s face had gone white. ‘I – Georgie . . . There’s no need to be such a—’

  ‘Such a what?’ said Georgie, squaring up to him.

  Thankfully Sam came over to say hi. ‘Do you two know each other?’ he said.

  Georgie took a step back and immediately her expression was one of ‘butter wouldn’t melt’.

  ‘Oh hi, Sam!’ she cooed. ‘It’s soooo good to be here. Thank you soooo much for giving me this opportunity. It’s like a dream come true! It’s been such a journey to get here—’

  ‘Oh, right?’ Sam cut in. ‘So where do you live?’

  Georgie’s crocodile smile faltered. ‘I – no, I meant it’s been, like, such an emotional journey, you know?’

  ‘Ah, an emotional journey,’ Sam said. ‘OK.’ He winked at me. ‘Well, good luck, girls! I’ll leave you to get settled.’

  Ted was doing his best to bite back a smile as Georgie, visibly deflated, said, ‘Yeah. Sure.’ She went to join Mads, who was busy lining up an impressive array of coloured icing and a sheaf of paper. I guessed that was Georgie’s crib sheets containing the recipe for her Show Piece.

  Mads looked really miserable: Georgie seemed to be laying into her. I couldn’t hear what she was saying, but whatever it was, Mads clearly wasn’t happy.

  The sooner Mads and Ted left, the better. I just wanted to get the show over and done with. Once we were baking, I wouldn’t have time to worry about Georgie – or anyone else, for that matter.

  Thankfully, Sam was already steering my former best friend out of the Tepee, all the while chatting away with her so that she didn’t realize she was being kicked out until she was actually at the exit.

  Ted took the hint and whispered, ‘Better be off, too. You’ll be great, Ellie. I’ll have everything crossed for you!’ He crossed his eyes, his legs, stuck his tongue out, and tried to cross all his fingers too.

  I laughed. ‘Thanks, Ted.’

  Georgie mimicked me from the other side of the Tepee. ‘ “Thanks, Ted.” ’

  Ted frowned, touched me lightly on the arm and added, ‘See you when it’s all over for a celebration.’ Then he kissed me quickly on the cheek and ran out of the Tepee before I could react.

  Sam caught my eye and winked again. ‘You’ve got a great boyfriend. Very supportive!’

  ‘He’s not my boyfriend,’ I said, blushing.

  I could feel Georgie’s eyes burning through me.

  ‘If you say so,’ said Sam, arching one eyebrow. ‘So, you two,’ he went on, talking to both me and Georgie now. ‘Even though your friends have left, you’re not alone. Sid and I will be around the whole time the show is being filmed, so if there’s anything you need, we’re here for you.’

  Sid was welcoming another baker into the Tepee now – a boy – and was politely asking his supporters to hurry up and leave, while Sam stayed to chat and help me unpack.

  All the work stations were decked out in different colours. Mine was red, Georgie’s was blue, and the other contestant had yellow. The kit on the stations matched the work surfaces, so my mixer and bowls and utensils were red too. Red was my favourite colour, so surely that was a good sign, I told myself.

  ‘Where are Milly Barry and Pete Jollyspoon?’ I asked Sam, as I emptied the last of my stuff on to the work surface.

  ‘Oh, probably still in make-up. Takes ages to cover up all their wrinkles,’ said Sam, deadpan.

  I didn’t know what to say to that.

  ‘Don’t worry, we love each other really. All that banter you see on the TV is even worse off camera, I can assure you. But it doesn’t mean a thing. We’re worse than school kids in the playground.’

  I laughed uneasily.

  At that moment a woman in black trousers and T-shirt came bustling over. ‘Five minutes till camera,’ she told Sam, and started fiddling with the lapel on his jacket.

  ‘Steady!’ Sam said, making a show of backing away from the woman. ‘Don’t touch what you can’t afford.’

  The woman ignored him, concentrating instead on fixing a mike on my top. She rushed off, talking into her headset. All the people racing around me were not helping my nerves to settle.

  I must have looked every bit as anxious as I was feeling, because Sam put his head on one side and said, ‘Sid and I get the jitters before filming too, you know. Once the cameras start to roll, you kind of forget about them. Honest! There are too many other things to think about. Like having fun. And you will have fun, I promise. Especially when you find out who our star judge is.’ He grinned mischievously and made a move to talk to the others.

  ‘Star judge? What do you mean?’ I called out to Sam. I didn’t know if I could take any surprises. ‘Where are Milly and Pete? Are they not judging today?’

  ‘Oh yes. They’ll be here in a minute. Pete’s probably out shooting the squirrels.’

  I gasped.

  ‘Not really! Blimey, you are gullible. We did use to have a huge problem with sugar-addicted squirrels, though. Not any more. It’s all squirrel-proof and guarded by an anti-rodent squad, like a version of the CIA except for squirrels. It’s nuts!’

  I gave a shaky laugh.

  ‘Right, enough nattering,’ said Sam. ‘Time to crack on! Are you ready?’

  ‘As ready as I’ll ever be,’ I said.

  Which is never, I thought, grimly.

  Sam and Sid were taken off by a technician to do the pre-recorded links. Sam had explained that the show would have to be edited down before it went on air.

  ‘You’ll be baking for hours,’ he had told me. ‘The programme would be far too long if we put the whole thing out uncut!’

  ‘Does that mean you’ll only show the best bits?’ I had asked.

  ‘And maybe the worst,’ Sid had joked.

  At least, I hoped he had been joking.

  I could hear them now outside the Tepee saying things like: ‘One hour left to go, bakers. One hour left!’ and ‘OK, bakers, fifteen minutes left. That’s one-five minutes left.’

  ‘Makes you feel sick, hearing them say that, doesn’t it?’

  It was Georgie, taking her chance to come and unnerve me, just as I had thought she would.

  I took a quick look at the other contestant. He was peering closely at a piece of paper, frowning in concentration. Probably having a last-minute read-through of his recipes – as I should be doing, I thought.

  ‘He’s Ravi, by the way,’ said Georgie. ‘You see, I have actually bothered to talk to him, rather than spending my time sucking up to Sam like you,’ she sneered. ‘It’s not going to make any difference creeping up to him, you know. He’s not judging your baking.’

  Oh yeah, like you weren’t totally schmoozing him yourself earlier, I thought. But I didn’t dare say it aloud.

  ‘I know he isn’t,’ I muttered. I looked at the clock that hung from the centre of the Tepee. When would we be able to start? Once we were cooking, Georgie would have to leave me alone.

  ‘I suppose you and my idiotic brother have practised enough – in between all the smooching?’ she went on with a smirk. ‘Don’t think I haven’t told Mads what’s been going on. She’s furious, you know. I doubt she’ll ever speak to you again now that you’ve stolen Ted from under her nose. Mads has been filming me, by the way – to get me used to the cameras,’ she added. She gave a toss of her long mane of hair as if the cameras were trained on her there and then.

  I racked my brains for something clever to say in return, but thankfully Sam and Sid came in before I could say anything I would later regret.

  ‘OK, bakers!’ said Sam raising his voice above the scurrying people and chatt
er going on around us. ‘We will begin filming for real in half an hour. That’s thirty minutes, bakers.’ He flashed both hands three times to make the point.

  ‘Hello, everyone!’

  All the chatter stopped immediately: Milly Barry had arrived.

  ‘My word, you do look nervy, all of you,’ said Milly. ‘Don’t be – it’s supposed to be fun.’

  Milly Barry was exactly the kind, grandmotherly figure I had always imagined her to be – though she was a lot trendier and smilier than any gran I had ever met in real life. Her hair was white-blonde and perfectly blow-dried, and her lips were shiny, with a raspberry-coloured lip gloss. She even had a chic French manicure too.

  ‘We’ll just have a little chat before the cameras roll,’ Milly was saying, ‘so we can put you at your ease before the competition begins. Pete’s just coming,’ she added.

  ‘Still having his hair done, is he?’ quipped Sid.

  ‘Stop it, you!’ said Milly. ‘Let’s introduce ourselves while we wait,’ she went on. ‘What’s your name, dear?’ she asked me. ‘Tell us a bit about yourself and what you’re going to do today. We’ll ask it all over again on camera, so think of this as a little dress rehearsal.’ She smiled warmly and nodded at me.

  Pete Jollyspoon chose that moment to walk in. He looked as stern as he always did on the TV.

  ‘I – I’m Ellie Haines,’ I stammered. ‘I’m thirteen. I never was much of a baker and then my –’ I paused, avoiding Georgie’s gaze – ‘my friend entered me for this contest. I love baking now, but I’m worried that I’m not good enough to be here. I’m going to be doing macarons and my Show Piece cake which I’ll – I’ll keep secret for now.’ I stopped, worried I had said too much.

  Everyone laughed, but in a nice way, and clapped. Only Georgie gave a snort of disgust.

  ‘Well done, Ellie,’ said Milly. ‘Nice to keep an element of surprise.’

  ‘I hope you are going to do something original with your Show Piece,’ said Pete. ‘The macarons are a bit simple for The Cake Off.’