by Grace James
I made you cry
I made you hurt
I made you feel
The way I did
I made you wish
We’d never met
You cut me loose
With too much rope
And I hung high
For my mistakes
Said I’m sorry
Chased you down
But you weren’t
Waiting anyway
If I could go back
And change it all
Where would I even start
‘Cause…
You were never mine to give away
But, baby, I’ll take the blame
You dealt a hand I couldn’t play
Won’t win against a loaded deck
You dealt a hand I couldn’t play
Won’t win against a loaded deck
For a beat, the crowd was silent. Then the place blew up.
Blake seemed completely oblivious.
As soon as the song finished, his eyes locked with mine again. But I couldn’t read them. Maybe I didn’t want to read them. I was too busy trying to stop myself from climbing up on that stage and clawing his freaking face off.
10
I rolled over, flickering my eyes open just enough to focus on the glowing, neon-green display of the microwave oven in on the kitchen counter, which was about twelve feet away from my bed. Nothing was very far away from anything in my small studio apartment.
I scrunched my eyes up and then opened them again, refusing to believe the time. 8AM.
Why the HELL am I awake at 8AM?
I rolled onto my back and blinked blearily up at the purple, tulle frills and ruffles that bubbled and cascaded from the frame of my very over the top 80’s canopy bed. It was like waking up in a marshmallow. I’d snagged it on eBay about a year before, just after I moved in, and I loved it. It was silly and over the top, but I figured why not? I lived alone, so for the first time in my life I could do whatever I wanted and buy the things I liked, even if nothing matched.
Snuggling back into my pillows, I closed my eyes again and tried to drift back into sleep – but the harsh buzzing of my cell phone on my nightstand made my eyes spring open a second later. Groaning, I groped for the stupid device, swiped blindly at the screen and then pressed it to my ear.
“Finally!” Mel’s familiar voice exclaimed before I even had chance to speak. “I called you three times already!”
Right. So that’s how come I was awake.
“Well, hello to you too,” I mumbled sleepily.
“Fine. Hello, Amy. Now talk. How’s Mr. Daddy issues?”
I didn’t need to ask who she was referring to – it could only be Blake. “Ugh…do you have to call him that?”
“Would you prefer Mr. Abandonment Issues? Or Mr. Mommy Issues? Although that last one seems a little insensitive,” she mused.
“Y’think?!” I scoffed.
Mel moved back east after graduating from UNLV and started training to become a Correctional Counselor in a high security facility in Tennessee. She had always spoken her mind, but her new experiences had made her even more direct, if that were possible.
“How do you even know about that?” I asked. “Did Hayley call you?”
“She didn’t need to. I happen to have eyeballs and a cell phone. The show is all over the internet!
I groaned again. In my tired state, I’d momentarily forgotten about all the cameras that filmed the show, and most of the audience had probably recorded at least some of it on their cell phones, too. Of course Mel would’ve seen it.
“Why didn’t you call me?!” she asked accusingly.
“Mel, it’s eight in the morning,” I complained.
“So?! This is a big deal! Speak to your therapist.”
I snorted a laugh despite myself. “You’re my therapist now?”
“I am when HE shows up out of nowhere! Tell me what happened. Did you know about this when I talked to you last week?!”
I heard the concern in her voice and I knew that, under the sass, Mel was genuinely worried for me. That was the reason I hadn’t intended to call her and tell her about Blake. After he left all those years ago, I had been a mess. More than a mess. I had cried myself to sleep for months and it had taken me forever to accept that he wasn’t coming back. That he didn’t care.
Mel had front row seats to all that.
She pulled me through all of that, kicking and screaming.
“No, I promise I didn’t know,” I assured her. “He just showed up out of the blue yesterday with Aiden. Before I even knew what happened, The Academy was crawling with security and roadies.”
“Shit,” she said, although she sounded a little relieved. “Did you kick him in the balls? Tell me you did!”
I grinned at the mental image of me taking a run up and launching my foot at Blake’s junk. “No, sorry.”
“Damn! That guy could do with a good ball-kicking. So, did he apologize? Grovel? Explain himself and beg for forgiveness?”
“Nope, none of the above, actually.”
“What a dick,” she muttered.
“Is that your professional opinion?” I teased, trying to keep it light. I didn’t want her to worry about me. I’d had enough of being that friend three years ago. I was stronger now.
“No, I led with my professional opinion – Daddy Issues, Mommy Issues, Abandonment Issues. The ‘dick’ part is my own personal opinion.”
“Well, I can’t argue with you there,” I conceded. “Blake equals huge dick.”
Silence.
I realized how that sounded a moment before Mel screeched, “Amy, tell me you didn’t let him dick you!”
“No!” I exclaimed. “Are you crazy?! And ‘dick you’? Really?”
“What?” she asked, her voice innocent. “It’s a legitimate term.”
I laughed…but, damn it, now I couldn’t help remembering his huge – STOP IT! God, what’s wrong with me?
Thankfully, Mel changed the subject. “I watched a YouTube video of him dedicating that song to you.”
That song. The things he’d said. My blood started to boil all over again. “I don’t even want to think of how many hits that video has,” I commented darkly.
“Over two million and counting when I watched it an hour ago.”
“Jesus.”
“What was WITH that anyway?!”
I’d spent a lot of time – lying awake the night before – asking myself the same thing. But I still didn’t have an answer, so I said, “I thought we covered this – he’s a dick.”
Mel snorted. “So, where is he now?”
“No idea. I didn’t really see him after the show.”
I’d avoided him – not that I could’ve gotten near him even if I’d wanted to. He’d done a meet and greet with the fans, surrounded by a heavy dose of security, and then Aiden had insisted that he, Derren and Hayley leave the venue. Apparently, if the mass of fans outside the building saw them leave they would dissipate, but if they didn’t they would hang around for hours, waiting to catch a glimpse of their idols. All of this was according to what Harvey told me when he found me working – not hiding – in my office after the place had emptied.
“Do you think he’s still in Vegas?”
“I doubt it,” I replied honestly.
Her voice softened, “Are you okay?”
“Yeah…don’t get me wrong, it was weird seeing him –” that was probably the understatement of the century “– but at least this way the worst part is over. Now when I see him at Hayley and Derren’s wedding it won’t throw me so much.”
“Yeah, I guess so.” Mel sounded a little doubtful, but she left it alone. “I still think you should’ve kicked him in the balls, by the way. THAT YouTube video would’ve got, like, a billion hits.”
“Probably,” I agreed, but I really didn’t want to talk about Blake anymore. “Anyway, forget about him. How are you?”
“I’m great,” she said, her tone i
nstantly lifting. “I just got assigned another patient who’s all kinds of crazy. It’s amazing!”
“How crazy? Crazier than the last guy you told me about? The Freddy Krueger wannabe?”
“Oh, yeah, TONS crazier than him!”
“Oooh, tell me!”
I spent the next twenty minutes being subjected to a catalogue of the latest antics of the most interesting patients Mel had encountered. She had hilarious code names for them all so she didn’t break any confidentiality – or at least not enough confidentiality to wind up in jail herself.
“…so, I said to the Warden, if you don’t get some guards in there in the next two minutes, Chucky’s gonna shiv someone, he just CONFESSED to me, it’s going down right now!”
“Oh my God! Then what happened?”
“He said I was overreacting.”
“And then what happened?”
“Guy got shivved.”
“Oh my GOD! Your job is insane!”
“I know, right?!” She sounded thrilled.
“Was the guy okay?”
“Yeah, luckily Chucky missed his vital organs – NO thanks to the Warden.”
“Wow.”
“Damn, look, I have to go. The first appointment’s gonna be here any minute and I have to get his file ready.”
“Okay, have fun.”
“Oh, I will.” I heard the smile in her voice. “Make sure you call me if Blake shows up again. One of the inmates knows a guy who knows a guy who’ll make ANYONE disappear for the right price. And by the ‘right price’ I mean cheap, reeaaal cheap.”
“Please tell me you’re kidding.”
“What if I’m not? It’s not like he doesn’t deserve it.”
I laughed. “Okay, I’m hanging up now.”
“Okay, love you!”
“Love you too, bye.”
I kept chuckling to myself as I rolled out of bed and headed for the bathroom. Even though she’d woken me up, talking to Mel had made me feel a hundred times lighter. I took a shower, spending ages under the hot spray, letting it tease out the tension in my neck and shoulders before washing my long hair twice, just because.
I was puttering around my apartment, half dressed, tidying up and putting away laundry, when there was a knock on my door. “Gimme a minute,” I called out, grabbing yoga pants and a tank top and hurrying them on. I ran a hand through my still-damp hair as I crossed the room to unhook the chain and open the door. I didn’t check the peephole to see who it was first; I always forgot to do that –
And there was Blake, leaning casually against the door frame, wearing a baseball cap and aviators.
My breath caught in my throat – then my stomach did a flip as he broke into a grin.
The panty dropping kind.
11
“Morning, Princess,” Blake drawled as his head slowly tilted forwards before climbing back up. I knew that his hidden eyes had taken a quick tour of my body and I briefly wondered if he was even trying to be subtle. I dismissed the idea immediately. Subtlety wasn’t in his genetic make-up.
“Finished?” I challenged, when I figured that his eyes were on my face again.
“Finished what?” he asked innocently.
I wasn’t in the mood for his games. “What are you doing here? And how do you know where I live?”
His grin morphed into a cocky smirk. “Maybe I’ve been checking up on you.”
“Sure you have,” I said flatly. “What are you doing here, Blake?” I asked again, since he hadn’t answered the first time.
“Wanted to ask you to go for breakfast with me. There’s a place down the street called Coffection or something? Looks good.”
I knew the place well, and I knew from experience that the pastries and muffins they sold were like little drops of heaven. And the coffee? Like a caffeine orgasm. My stomach did the hula, but I ignored it. “No, thanks.” I stepped back, starting to close the door.
Some of the arrogance dropped from his face. “Hey, hey – wait –”
“Bye, Blake.”
He moved forwards, jamming his foot in the door before I could close it fully.
“What the hell?!” I exclaimed shoving the door harder against his boot. He didn’t react, didn’t look like he even felt it, and showed no sign of moving. “Are you serious?!” I fumed.
“Are you seriously just gonna run away again?”
For a second, I couldn’t believe what I’d just heard. I gaped at him as his words sunk in.
Was I…just going to run away again?
My fingers tightened on the door, digging into the wood.
I was already righteously angry with him. For leaving me. For just moving on without a backward glance. Add to that what happened the night before – the way he just showed up with barely any warning; the way he avoided giving me any real answers in his dressing room. And then there was THAT song, with THAT ‘dedication’ in front of the damn world.
Then he said those few words –
And I just exploded.
I jerked the door back open fully as cold fury lanced through me, burst through me like a dam had broken. “Me run away? ME?! You’re the one who ran away! You disappeared in the middle of the night like a goddamn coward and left some pathetic, half-assed, excuse for a goodbye note on my pillow!” I was glaring up at him, pouring all my fury, all my hurt, into my words. “So don’t you DARE come back here and act like I owe you ANYTHING!”
His expression was pained. “You think it didn’t kill me to walk away from you?”
“No, I don’t think it did! I think it nearly killed me! Do you have any idea how long I cried over you? How many months I wasted? Do you have any idea how much I needed –” I caught myself and clamped my mouth shut, furious at myself for giving him even a hint of how much he had wrecked me, of what I’d had to go through without him.
He was staring at me – or I assumed he was, under his dark glasses – with his lips slightly apart, like I’d sucker punched him. “You needed me?”
“I thought I did – once. But now I just need you to leave.” I started to step back again, but he moved forwards as I did so. I stopped, not wanting him inside my apartment and knowing that if I kept backing up, he’d just keep following me. So I stood my ground, looking up at him. He was close, and I could see my reflection in his sunglasses. My eyes were wide as I stared up at him. God, I looked so transparent.
“Princess, I…shit…” he trailed off and shook his head.
“Oh, come on, you can do better than that,” I goaded quietly, venomously. “You’ve had years to come up with a good excuse.”
“I never wanted to give you excuses, and I never wanted to hurt you. You need to believe that. I just…I was fucked up…”
“Well, that’s a little better,” I mocked him. “But next time try throwing in ‘It’s not you, it’s me’. Then I think you’ll have covered every cliché in the book.”
I couldn’t see his eyes, but I felt them burning into me. “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. I’ll never forgive myself for the way I left you – you gotta know that I wanted to kick my own ass ever since.” His voice took on a tormented tone when he added, “Please believe I’m sorry.”
I wrenched my hand out of his grasp. “I don’t believe you. But you know what? That’s on me. It’s my own fault for ever giving you the time of day. I knew from the start what you really were, I was just stupid enough to forget for a little while.”
His jaw tightened. “And what was I?”
“Someone I should never have wasted my time on. Someone who was only interested in me because I was with his cousin. A selfish asshole who just saw me as a challenge, and when the challenge was gone, so was he.”
“The fuck?!” he growled.
“But I’m over it,” I continued coldly. “I moved on. Thanks for the apology though, it means a lot – oh, no, wait –” I slapped my hand to my forehead like I was just the biggest klutz “– it really doesn’t.”
For a long moment, the
world went quiet.
I could feel Blake’s rage. He was practically vibrating with it. But when he spoke, he was eerily calm. “So, let me get this straight, you think I left you ‘cause the ‘challenge’ was over? ‘Cause my cousin – the ‘competition’ – was in the fucking ground?” His voice turned into a rough snarl. “That’s what you think of me?”
My stomach lurched at the way he phrased it…but, yeah, that was what I’d thought, up to a point.
That’s not to say that I didn’t have a dozen other theories, too. Some of them were stupid, embarrassing, fairy tale type ones where he’d been ‘forced’ to leave me and had spent every day since then trying to figure out how to get back to me. Yeah. Cringe.
But in my darkest moments, when I was at my lowest, the idea of him using me like a toy was what my mind kept coming back to. I’d found myself wondering if all I’d really been to him was a pawn. A game. As I laid awake, night after night after night for months, the insecure, wounded part of me had wondered if Blake’s main attraction to me had been because I was with Connor first. In fact, one of the first things Connor ever told me about Blake was that he used to make a game of going after Connor’s girlfriends. “He’s probably gonna try and fuck you…Just to fuck with me, he’ll try it on with you…”
“Well?” Blake demanded when I didn’t respond.
I crossed my arms over my chest, suddenly feeling cold despite the heat of the morning. “I don’t know,” I said defensively. “All I know is you left.”
He snorted. “Know what? Fuck it. You wanna know why I split? Why I left you there? You want me to just lay this shit out right now?”
I did. I wanted to stop wondering. I wanted to put my theories to bed and forget about them. Even if the truth sucked, I needed to know. “Yeah, unless you want to avoid it some more?”
He sneered at that. Actually sneered. “Fine – it was self-preservation, Princess, like it always was with you. You act like it was allll me, like you never did anything wrong. You act like you hadn’t already tossed my ass aside twice before that night – how did I know that time was gonna be any different? Huh?”
I blinked in shock. “Are you kidding me?! I ‘tossed your ass aside’ back then because you slept with other women! Those groupies on tour, remember?! Or did you conveniently forget the part where you man-whored yourself around in front of me?”