by Grace James
“Is that an ear?!” Mel asked when the box was fully open.
“Yeah,” Hayley confirmed, pulling the little golden ear from the box; the gossamer thin chain that it was connected to followed behind like a wisp of gleaming silk. “Oh, and now I’m gonna cry! Shit!” She started flapping her hands, trying to ward off the tears.
“Do you want me to put in on you?” I asked.
“Yeah, here,” she said, sniffling and blinking rapidly.
“What does it mean?” Patricia asked curiously. “Why an ear?”
“Because of Van Gogh,” Hayley explained as I stood behind her and fitted the necklace into place. “When me and Derren were freshmen in high school, he asked me out for the first time when we were in Art class learning about Van Gough and how he cut off his ear. Derren passed me this note that said, I’d cut off my ear for you. Come get a shake with me after school?”
Everyone burst into laughter.
“I remember that night,” Dawn said fondly. “When you got home you were so giddy.”
Hayley fingered the tiny gold ear, which was now resting low on her chest. “Because one milkshake later I was totally crazy about him.”
Everyone – apart from Blake – let out an “Awww” at that.
“Okay, I gotta give you a message as well,” Blake said, shoving his hands in the pockets of his black slacks and suddenly looking a little awkward. “He said to tell you that he’s an idiot for waiting as long as he did to propose to you, and that he should’ve done this years ago. He said to say that he loves you more than mac loves cheese, needs you more than Bert needs Ernie, and wants you more than the Beast wanted Beauty.”
“Oh, I’m gonna kill him!” Hayley exclaimed, flapping her hands and blinking her eyes against the tears again. “Tell him I can’t find the words like he can, but that he’ll always be my Starry Night and I can’t wait to be his wife.”
“That’s good,” Blake told her. “If he cries like a bitch, I’ll take a picture for you.”
Hayley smacked him good naturedly on the arm. “Don’t be a dick to him, just for one day?”
Blake laughed. “I’ll see what I can do. We’re leaving for the canyon in five so we’ll see you there – unless you’re gonna change your mind?”
Hayley scowled, but her smile still remained. “Go! And remember what I said to tell him!”
“I will,” Blake said as he leant in to brush a quick kiss against my lips on his way out of the suite.
89
Watching Hayley and Derren say their vows on the rim of the Grand Canyon under a sky of azure blue, as the sun started to sink towards the horizon, was one of those perfect moments in time that remain untouched and pure in your memory no matter what.
As Best Man and Maid of Honor, Blake and I walked down the aisle together first; we were followed by Mel and Kane, who was a groomsman along with Danny, who escorted Patricia.
When Hayley followed behind, the look on Derren’s face contained so much joy that it was hard to believe he’d ever felt a day of pain in his life.
Blake handed them their rings as they promised to love each other forever – and when he stepped back into his spot across from me, my eyes stayed on him.
God, he was gorgeous in that tux.
For the first time, I found myself wondering what it’d be like to see him standing at the end of an aisle, waiting for me.
Would he look at me the way that Derren had looked at Hayley? Would he be tuxed-up? Or would we elope and get married on a beach somewhere?
Wait. What am I thinking?! We’ve been together less than TWO MONTHS.
But even so, when I thought about my future, Blake was what I saw.
It was then that I knew – or maybe it was then that I finally acknowledged – that Blake was the love of my life. There wouldn’t ever be anyone else for me. He owned my heart and I wanted him to have it…because it wasn’t worth anything to me without him.
Then Blake’s eyes met mine – and I saw it right there in his sapphire depths.
He loved me that way, too.
Something crackled between us; his jaw tightened and he swallowed –
– and then everyone was cheering.
Whatever was holding Blake and I together in that moment broke, and I looked at the head of the aisle to see Derren sweep Hayley off her feet as he kissed her.
They were married.
Husband and wife.
90
The reception at The Jewel was lavish and rock n’ roll all at once.
The food was five-star fancy – but served on vinyl records instead of plates.
The lanterns that were dotted all around the dancefloor were golden and intricate, but they had lyrics from Death Metal songs that Derren loved stenciled over the glass.
The band they’d hired played well known rock covers, but in the style of a jazz band with brass accompaniment.
The whole thing was the perfect mix of mainstream meets alternative that suited Derren and Hayley so well. And, yes, there was karaoke set up on the terrace, too.
Eventually, Derren and Hayley ran off hand in hand through the maze that sat in the center of the huge, compound-like set up, giggling and shouting like kids while everyone stood back, snapping pictures and filming them disappear into the shrubs.
Kane immediately moved three lanterns across the entrance to the maze, forming a little barrier while calling out, “Okay, no one go in there. Nothing to see.”
“Or plenty to see,” Blake muttered from where he was standing at my side.
Hayley’s shriek from somewhere in the maze, followed by another crowing giggle, made us all laugh.
“If we don’t move away we’re gonna get the full on SFX experience,” Mel warned.
“Fine by me,” Danny commented, making the guys snort.
“How about we go get another drink,” I suggested.
“Hell yes,” Kane agreed.
Just as we started back inside to the bar, Blake took my hand and held me back saying, “Come talk to me a minute, Princess?”
“Sure.” I smiled at him. “Catch you guys later?” I said to the others.
“Suuuuure you will,” Danny drawled, winking. “Just remember the maze is taken, you two’ll have to get down somewhere else.”
“Fuck off,” Blake told him, but the words didn’t hold any bite.
Danny laughed raucously as they all walked off inside, leaving me and Blake standing alone. It was only then that I noticed that he was frowning at me…actually, no, it wasn’t so much a frown as a look of distress, I guess.
“What’s up?” I asked, concerned, as I approached him and slid my arms around his waist.
He didn’t hold me back. “Come take a walk.” He nodded towards where the terrace dropped down to a small pool with a fountain in the shape of a goddess at the center.
Something dark started to trickle through my blood stream.
It wasn’t dread, exactly…more like that feeling you get when you drop something precious that you just know is going to break as soon as it hits the ground…and there’s nothing you can do to stop it…
Abruptly, Blake stepped back out of my arms and turned away, starting to walk down the steps.
I followed behind like I was in a dream, stopping a few feet behind him when we reached the fountain.
He didn’t turn to face me; instead, he stood watching the water rippling delicately in the light from the lanterns. “This what you want?” he asked, his voice a low rumble.
“…what?”
“You want marriage and kids and all that shit?”
“Um…I think most people want that someday. But I’m twenty-three, that ‘someday’ is a long way off.”
For a long moment, the only sound was the water trickling into the pool and the muted voices of people on the terraces above.
Blake sounded tired when he muttered, “I can’t do this.”
The familiarity of those words hit me like a punch.
“What?” I choke
d out, refusing to believe it.
“I’m sorry,” he mumbled. “Fuck, I’m so sorry.”
The smart-ass version of me wanted to say something like, Oh, I’ve heard THAT before! That’s the standard line when you walk out on me, isn’t it?!
But the rest of me was too shocked to speak, so completely blindsided that I couldn’t do anything other than try to breathe. I felt like I had rocks in my chest, like a boa constrictor was winding its body around me.
Eventually, I managed, “You’re…sorry?”
He hung his head, his back still to me.
“Liar.” I spat the word. Before I even knew I’d thought it, it was out there. I couldn’t hold it in. I felt my face crumple like wet paper, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. “You said you loved me – and now you’re just sorry?!”
Blake spun to face me, his broad chest heaving. “Just because I love you doesn’t mean you get what you want! Love doesn’t mean people stick around – it doesn’t mean everything’s gonna be okay. All it means is that it hurts more when everything falls apart.”
I was so beyond confused.
His body language screamed that he was angry – that was clear in the tension in his shoulders and his bunched fists – but at the same time he just looked so heartbroken.
I closed the space between us and reached up, cupping his face in my hand, feeling the muscles in his stubbly jaw bunch against my palm. “But we don’t have to fall apart,” I told him. “You’re the one pushing us apart.”
“I don’t wanna hurt you,” he said, and I could hear the desperation in his voice. “Fuck, I never wanted to hurt you.”
“Then don’t. Just talk to me –”
Abruptly, he reached up and grabbed my wrist roughly, pulling my hand away from his face, but instead of letting go he used the grip he had on me to pull me against him, so close that I could smell the alcohol on his breath.
For a second, I thought he was going to kiss me.
His eyes locked on mine and I could see the longing in them, the dark heat…I could feel the pounding of his heart against my forearm…
But then he pushed me away as if he couldn’t bear to touch me.
I gasped, almost stumbling, before I righted myself.
His voice was like gravel when he said, “We’re over, Amy. Just fucking accept it.”
With that, he moved quickly past me – and I was left staring at the space where his body had been, at where the water tinkled into the little pool.
It should have been so peaceful, so romantic.
“You promised you wouldn’t leave again without an explanation!” The words were ripped from me in a frantic rush.
Behind me, I heard Blake’s footsteps falter for a moment. “There’s nothing to explain. I just can’t do this anymore. You take the room. I’ll stay with Kane tonight.”
Then he was gone.
91
I found Mel by the bar, standing with Kane and Danny.
When she caught sight of me, it was obvious that she figured out instantly what had happened. It probably wasn’t all that hard to deduce. I was that girl. There’s always one at any wedding – and quite often it’s a bridesmaid. The one who realizes she’s not going to get her happy ending.
Or the one who has her happy ending ripped out from under her.
As Mel’s arms closed around me and I let myself just cry against her shoulder, I heard Kane speaking from beside me. “Where is he, Amy?”
I didn’t answer. I couldn’t. All I was capable of was blubbering like a two-year-old.
Kane tried again. “Amy, where –”
Mel interrupted him sharply, “Who cares where he is?! Hopefully he’s decided to do us all a favor and jump from the highest goddamn tower there is in this place!”
“Motherfucker,” I heard Kane mutter. “I’m gonna go look for him. Danny, help me out.”
“Yeah, ‘course, whatever.”
As they moved away from us, heading back out towards the terrace, Mel pulled me in the opposite direction. I could barely see where I was going through the tears that were cascading from my eyes, but before long I heard a door closing and Mel telling me to sit down while she pushed me gently backwards. When my ass hit the soft surface of a chair, and Mel shoved a ball of tissue into my hands so that I could wipe my eyes, I realized that we were in her hotel room.
“What happened?” she asked gently.
It seemed to take forever to fill her in on what Blake had said. I kept having to stop to ugly cry into my hands and, every time I did, she kept adding more vodka to my glass from the bottle she’d taken from the mini bar when we first walked in to the room.
When I was done, Mel took my hands and said, “I’m so sorry this happened again.”
“What? No theories?” I tried to smile but I’m pretty sure it looked more like a grimace. “There’s no psychology to explain this whole thing?”
She smiled sadly back at me. “No, I’m sure there is. But some people are always out of reach, no matter what. When the pain runs that deep, some people just can’t be saved.”
“What pain?!” I said, almost pleading. “He doesn’t have to be in pain. He’s choosing this! Again!”
“Then maybe it’s time to let him go. If he’s choosing to walk away again, then maybe this time you should really let him go.”
I dropped my watery eyes to the drink in my hand, then I knocked the whole thing back.
I stayed in Mel’s room that night, sharing the queen size bed with her because I couldn’t face going back to the room I was supposed to have shared with Blake.
I thought that as soon as Mel turned off the lights and the darkness descended, that I’d sob into my pillow, but when she flicked the switch and I saw the slice of moonlight cutting across the room from where the drapes didn’t quite meet, something else happened as well.
It started slow at first. Just a little bitterness mixed in with my sadness.
The past seven weeks ran through my head like one of those montages you get in films when someone dies. All the laughs and the heat and the sweet moments replayed on a loop.
You’re a fucking PART of me, and nothing’s gonna change that.
I’ve never wanted anything in my life as much as I want you.
I was fucking insane to leave you.
I love you…I never stopped.
But after a while another movie reel started to play right alongside it – and that one was filled with the times he avoided me, the times he pulled away, the hours I spent twisted up, trying to figure him out. Then –
We’re over, Amy. Just fucking accept it
No explanation. No reason. Nothing but another worthless apology.
And then I thought about Connor.
About all the times he had avoided me or pulled away. The hours I spent twisted up over him. The times he cheated on me…
And in my head, it all became one and the same. In my tired, heartbroken, mixed up state, I just kept thinking, I can’t believe I let this happen again. I can’t believe I was so STUPID! What did I expect? Blake Maxwell the Man-whore to hang up his bumper pack of condoms and just be with one woman?
But, yeah, I had thought that. I’d believed him when he told me he wanted to be with me. I’d believed every word because he’d meant every word, damn it! I’d seen the truth in his eyes. Blake didn’t lie.
But he DID lie! It was ALL a lie! He was ALWAYS going to do this. He’s a screwed up, emotionally juvenile fuck-up…and I just wanted him too much to care…
That thought rose with the dawn and dried the tears on my cheeks.
THAT thought is what got me mad enough to get the fuck out of bed.
92
I showered in the bathroom in Mel’s room and put my bridesmaid dress back on.
When I came back out, Mel was sitting up in bed yawning.
“I need to get out of here,” I told her. “Will you come to my room with me to get my stuff?” I didn’t want to go alone in case Blake was the
re – or in case he wasn’t.
“Yeah, sure,” she agreed instantly, getting out of bed and throwing on some clothes.
When I opened the door to the room, it was empty aside from my bag which Blake had put by the door – and his things.
His overnight bag lay open on the bed. His worn-down jeans and the Jimi Hendrix shirt he’d been wearing the morning before were thrown over the back of the chair in the corner. His boots looked like they’d been kicked off – one on its side, the other facing it at a right angle – just outside the bathroom door. The empty garment bag that had contained his tux still hung from the door handle of the closet.
I didn’t touch any of it.
I just quickly swapped out my dress for some skinny jeans and a plain pink t-shirt and then stuffed the few toiletries that I’d unpacked the day before back inside my bag.
Then, just wanting to get the hell out of that place as fast as I could, I called down to the front desk to arrange a cab to take me to the nearest Hertz so that I could rent a car to get home. Blake had driven us there the day before, so I’d either had the choice of finding space in a car with others who were heading back to Vegas – and having to explain the whole break up – or just sucking it up and paying out for a rental.
I chose the latter.
Just as I ended the call, there was a knock on the door of the room.
I froze.
“Who is it?” Mel called.
“It’s Kane.”
My heart sank.
When Mel opened the door, Kane’s warm hazel eyes immediately found mine. “You okay?” he asked gently.
“I’m fine.”
He just raised an eyebrow like, Please.
“Did you find him?” Mel asked, her tone like acid.
“Yeah, I did,” Kane said quietly as he stepped into the room, then he addressed me, “He’s – uh – he left a little while ago. He asked if I could take you back to Vegas with me today. I mean, I would’ve offered anyway, but…he asked,” he finished lamely.
I tried to ignore the burn at the back of my eyes at how casual that exchange sounded. Like, Hey, I just told Amy we’re over – do me a solid and deal with that for me, will ya, bro? I knew it probably hadn’t gone down just like that, but that definitely seemed to be the gist.