by Gerri Hill
“Where would you be?”
“Oh, hell, we were hiding, hoping he wouldn’t see us. I think he sometimes forgot we were there. If he was in one of his moods and beating the crap out of her, if he’d see us, we’d get it too.”
“Oh, sweetie,” Paige whispered.
“It was just what I lived with. Until that first time he came into my bed. I had no idea what was going on. We had twin beds in there, and Cathy jumped out of her bed and started hitting on him, telling him to leave me alone. I was scared to death, and he threw her across the room like she was a ragdoll.” CJ paused, the memory of that night fuzzy. She could see Cathy coming to her defense, could remember the sound of her small body hitting the wall, could see Cathy falling. She remembered her father pulling her panties off. Other than that, she only remembered the pain...and the shame. She shook her head, clearing it. “Anyway, after that, whenever he would come into our room, it was like, you prayed it wasn’t you who he picked for that night, yet you almost wished it was.” She swallowed and took a deep breath. “Listening to him as he raped Cathy was worse than if he was doing it to me.”
Paige’s hand rubbed up and down her thigh, her head resting lightly against CJ’s shoulder. She could only imagine the thoughts going through Paige’s mind. She turned, seeing the glistening of tears in Paige’s eyes. “Do you want me to stop?”
Paige shook her head and squeezed her thigh. “I want to know,” she whispered.
CJ nodded, intending to tell her everything.
“That went on for the next three years, until Cathy got pregnant. She was fifteen then.”
“Jesus,” Paige murmured.
“My mother didn’t even know. Cathy made me promise I wouldn’t tell anyone. But then she was starting to show and we had to do something. She told me she would take care of it. So one morning, we’re getting ready for school and she starts an argument with him. I don’t even remember what it was. He slapped her, which was his warning to shut up. But she didn’t. She kept provoking him. I was hiding in our room, watching through the crack in the door. Our mother was in the kitchen, cooking breakfast like nothing was going on. Anyway, he hit her pretty good, busted her lip. And like usual after a beating, our mother would get out the makeup to hide the bruises. This morning was different. When we walked to school, we ducked into a convenience store and Cathy washed her face, washed all the makeup off.” CJ glanced at Paige. “There was a perfect imprint of his hand on her cheek.”
“Cathy was hoping someone would find out?”
“Yeah. She was in high school. I was still in middle school. When we got to my school, she told me that the truth would come out that day. She said, ‘When they come and get you and ask you questions, you tell the truth.’” CJ took a deep breath. “I was scared. I was scared of what he would do to us, you know.”
“And did they come?”
CJ nodded. “Cathy told her school counselor everything.” CJ glanced at her. “Everything. So when I got called out, there was a female police officer there. At first, I thought, crap, now we’re really in trouble,” she said, smiling. She had been so naïve back then. Not innocent, no. But she remembered her fear back then, fear that the police would just take her home to her father.
“But you told them?”
“Yes. I remember how shocked everyone was, how appalled.” She turned to Paige. “That was our life. That was what we dealt with daily. It was no longer a shock to us. It was just the way our life was.”
Paige took the forgotten wineglass from her, drinking what CJ had not. CJ saw that Paige’s hands were trembling. She wondered what she thought about it all. Was she disgusted? Sure. Would she pull away from her like their friends had back then? Like they were lepers? Like they were diseased?
Paige linked their hands together, bringing them up to kiss CJ’s knuckles. She let out a heavy breath. “What happened then?”
CJ stared at their linked hands, glad for contact. She squeezed Paige’s fingers a little tighter before continuing.
“They took me up to the high school and they called our mother. She...she denied everything, said we were just making it all up, just wanting attention.” CJ paused, remembering the defiance in Cathy’s face as she stood, lifting up her shirt and pointing to her belly. Am I making this up? She smiled at the memory. Her mother had been shocked speechless.
“Why would she deny it? Wouldn’t this have been her chance to get away from him?”
“She was scared. She was scared of the beating she would have to take when he found out.” She leaned back against the pillows, not releasing Paige’s hand. “Long story short, they took us to a shelter, me and Cathy. Our mother was as guilty as our father.”
“Prison?”
“Eventually, yeah. The bastard got twenty years. She served eight.”
“Have you seen her?”
“Once. She found me when she got out. I was just starting the academy. Houston Police Department, not FBI,” she said to Paige’s silent question. “I told her not to ever contact me again. I didn’t want anything to do with her.” She shrugged. “And she hasn’t.”
“What about your sister?”
CJ closed her eyes for a moment, picturing Cathy’s face. “We went to live with my aunt. She was the complete opposite of our mother. Nice home, good job. She was divorced and had no kids. She took us in and gave us someplace stable to live. But Cathy...Cathy couldn’t do it.” She looked at Paige then. “The pregnancy, I mean. She committed suicide.”
“Oh, God, sweetie. I’m so sorry,” Paige whispered, her fingers tightening around CJ’s hand.
“She left a note for me. It was short, to the point. Very candid,” she said. She didn’t mention that she still had the note, that she still read it sometimes. She swallowed, the words coming with difficulty as she recited them. ‘I love you, CJ. Don’t ever forget that. You make something good out of your life. Help kids. Kids like us. But I can’t do this. I can’t bring a child into the world, not one that was fathered by that monster. I won’t do it.’” She met Paige’s eyes, just a hint of tears in them. “That’s it. That was the note. She climbed a tree and hung herself,” she said simply.
“Oh, baby, did you find her?”
CJ shook her head. “No. My aunt did. I had already read the note. I knew.”
Paige reached out, brushing her fingers gently across CJ’s forehead, brushing the hair away from her face. “All that, that’s why when it’s kids, it affects you so?”
CJ nodded. “At first, her note threw me. I mean, we were fathered by that monster. But I didn’t blame her. I tried to do what she said. I thought maybe I’d be a school counselor, like the one that helped us. Or maybe a social worker or something.” She smiled. “I found out college wasn’t my thing. I got an associate’s degree, but the prospect of finishing was too daunting. I got accepted into the academy so I dropped out of school.” She was nearly embarrassed by that fact, knowing Paige had not only finished but had gone on to law school as well.
“College is not for everyone,” Paige said. “You grew into a wonderful person, CJ. Your sister would be proud, don’t you think?”
“I think...yeah, maybe,” she said.
Paige leaned closer, kissing her lightly. “Do you see your aunt still?”
CJ nodded. “Not as much as I should, but yeah, we talk. She’s married now. I usually swing by there at Thanksgiving and have dinner with them.” She rested against Paige, letting Paige hold her as they settled back against the pillows again. She closed her eyes, Paige’s soft fingers running back and forth against her skin lulling her into a relaxed state, her mind freeing itself of those long-ago images. The vulnerability she normally felt when recalling that time in her life was gone now. Whether it was the fact that she was older—and wiser—or simply that she now accepted it, she didn’t know. Whatever it was, she felt at peace with it all.
She opened her eyes, finding Paige watching her. There was no sign of judgment, no disgust or revulsion. Just a hint of
sadness, nothing more. She stopped the hand that was still moving lazily along her arm, bringing it to her mouth and kissing it gently.
“Thank you.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT
Fiona sat in her recliner, reading. It was her lone form of entertainment as Mother Hogan had forbidden TV. Most of the others, they’d never even seen a television. Of the remaining flock, only she, Don and Gretchen had been outside. She didn’t know about Don and Gretchen, but she’d been fascinated with the TV when she was in college. Whatever reason Mother Hogan used for the ban on TVs, Fiona knew the real purpose. Having TVs would expose the flock to the outside world, would influence them. It would subject them to ideas that most of those who lived in Hoganville wouldn’t have a clue about, considering how sheltered—and controlled—Mother Hogan had kept them. As it was, there were no prospects for any of the others to go outside. Fiona was the youngest that remained. All those younger than her had been culled for various reasons.
Disobedience.
Yes, something she had never been accused of. She looked at her book fondly, knowing Mother Hogan had no idea how many of them she had devoured over the years. She was a frequent visitor to the school’s library. Her only fear was that Gretchen would discover her passion for reading and would report it to Mother Hogan. So far, she’d been able to chase her faraway dreams, living through the characters in her books, letting herself slip away from the hellish existence that she’d had thus far. Yet it was a reality that she’d come to accept. Especially now, she thought, as she dared to touch her abnormally large belly. Oh, but she wished she hadn’t accepted it. The events of the past month made her realize how much she really wanted out. The choices she’d made, the few choices that she actually did have, she wished she could redo. If she were stronger, she would have run away years ago. If she had only dared, she could have escaped when she was away at college. She sighed. Yes, if she had only dared. But the fear Mother Hogan had instilled in her was still strong then. And now, of course, it was far too late for that anyway.
A quick, quiet knock on the kitchen door brought her out of her musings. She tilted her head, listening, and the knock sounded again. She frowned, wondering who would be at her back door. Not Paige. She would use the front. Maybe Belden, but he wouldn’t bother knocking. She opened the door, surprised to find Don there. When he hadn’t shown up the night before, she’d assumed he’d changed his mind. She wouldn’t have blamed him.
“Are you alone?” he whispered.
She nodded. “Yes, I’m alone. Is everything okay?” she asked, looking past him into the dark night.
“Yes. I couldn’t come last night. Belden was out and about. I didn’t want to take a chance.”
She nodded and stood back. “Come inside.” He did and she locked the door behind him.
He looked around, then laughed uneasily. “I don’t mind saying, I was a little nervous leaving.” He cleared his throat. “Okay, a lot nervous. I even put pillows together in my bed to make it look like I was sleeping.” He shrugged. “If Belden finds out I’m gone though...”
“Yes, I know. You came along the trail?”
“Yes. It took about a half hour at a fast walk.”
Their eyes met. “Out in the woods at night, Belden would be the least of my worries,” she said.
“I know. I was terrified.”
She moved slowly back into the living room and her recliner, motioning to the worn sofa for him. Instead of sitting, he helped her down into her chair.
“Thank you. Every day gets harder to move around.”
“I can’t believe you’re so calm about this,” Don said, his hands twisting together nervously.
“Calm? You should have seen me yesterday. After I’d taken the potion, the one Mother Hogan told me to take twice a day, I was so hungry. But I knew I didn’t have anything. Except there was a soup left for me. One of Selma’s, you know. I started eating it like a crazy woman.” She paused, just thinking about it making her nauseous. “The soup was bloody,” she said. “I couldn’t even see it at first. It was full of raw meat and...blood.” She glanced away, clearing her throat. “I got sick. Threw it all up. And I haven’t taken her potion at all today.” She looked at him pointedly. “What do you think is in them? What do you think she mixes up?”
He shook his head slowly. “I wouldn’t even begin to guess. But I wouldn’t take anything she gave me.” He leaned forward. “You know the rumor is that she poisoned her mother.”
Fiona nodded. Yes, they’d all heard that rumor. She often wondered if Mother Hogan hadn’t started it herself, just another means to keep the flock under her control. Although she had no doubt that it could have been true.
“Do you think...well, do you think there’s a chance I could escape?”
“Yes. But you’ll need help. There is someone I trust here. She’ll help.”
“A teacher?”
“Yes. The new ones. The ones who found me the other night.”
“They’re new? And you trust them?”
She nodded. “Yes. They’ll help. I know they will.”
“Will you come with me?”
She squeezed her eyes closed, feeling the pain starting again. Oh, how she wished she could run away with him. “No. You know I can’t. I’ve been thinking about how you can do it, though. I feel certain that once I go into Hoganville this weekend, she won’t let me leave again. So it must be this week.” She tried to shift in the chair but couldn’t. She took short, shallow breaths, finding this helped the pain somewhat. “You come here on Friday,” she said. “Early. Be here when we get out of school. We’ll go together.” She met his gaze head on. “We need to tell them.”
“Tell them?”
“Yes. Everything.”
He stood up quickly. “Fiona, we can’t.” He paced in front of her chair nervously. “You know what will happen. Belden will take us into the caves. No one ever returns from the caves.”
Her breathing was becoming labored, and she wondered if maybe she should have taken Mother Hogan’s potion after all. She looked up at him, seeing the fear in his eyes. Strangely, she felt none of it.
“You are getting out of here, remember?” She pointed to her belly. “And I won’t be sent to the caves. Not as long as I’m carrying this.”
“But if we tell them, do you think they’d even believe us? I sometimes don’t believe it myself.” He pulled out a small pill bottle from his pocket. “Here,” he said, handing it to her. “I almost forgot. It’s Vicodin. For pain. I guessed you wouldn’t be taking her potions, not after the other night.”
“Thank you.” She stared at the bottle. “What will this do?”
“It’ll make you drowsy. You may want to take only half a pill now,” he suggested.
The pain was getting worse, but she thought she could hold off a little longer. “I’ll take a whole pill before bed.” She looked up at him. “I will wake up, right?”
He smiled and nodded. “Yes. And an added bonus, it’s not even expired.” He sat down again, his thoughts obviously going back to what they’d been discussing. “If we tell them, what will happen to the others?”
“The flock?” She shook her head. “They can’t function on the outside, you know that. Will they be jailed? Mother Hogan will. Belden and his crew, yes. But the others?”
“None of us were participants in this, Fiona.”
“You and I,” she said. “We’ve been outside. We know better. We should have done something to stop it years ago.”
“Done what? We both know the consequences. We’ve seen what happens to those who go against Mother Hogan,” he reminded her.
“Yes.” And this too had been weighing on her. What would happen to the flock? To her own mother? She knew the answer, but she was almost afraid to say it. Had Don been brainwashed like the rest of them? Or had he been able to block it, like she had? Was it because she had an education, had been outside, that she knew to even try to block it?
“What are you thinking?
”
“The sessions,” she said. “I haven’t let her inside.” She tapped her head. “I’ve blocked her.”
“Yellow rock,” he said clearly, arching an eyebrow.
She smiled. “You’ve blocked her as well.”
“Yes. Mother’s code word for her poison potion.” He stood again. “When the sessions first started, I was horrified at what she’d planned for us. I saw the others, all in their trance, all taking in her words. ‘Yellow rock in the clock.’” He laughed. “You’d think she could have come up with a trigger phrase better than that.”
She hated to say it, but it was the only option. “Maybe the flock should end with that phrase,” she said. “Put an end to it once and for all.”
“Have them die at their own hands?”
“Do you know anyone who could survive outside the confines of Hoganville?”
He slowly shook his head.
She took a deep breath, feeling more exhausted than she should. “You come back on Friday,” she said. “Now you should go. You don’t want to be caught in the woods.”
He glanced out into the night. “Yes, I need to hurry. I don’t want to be mistaken for dinner.”
He said it with a laugh, but she had no doubt that he meant it literally.
CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
“Well, you’re looking better,” Paige said as she helped Fiona into the chair.
“Yes. I feel almost normal,” Fiona said. She pointed to her protruding belly. “As normal as can be with this, anyway.” She started to unwrap her sandwich, then stopped. “Everyone is talking about me, aren’t they?”