But as she climbed the stairs the smell of burned wood hung heavy in the air. She opened the old green baize door into her grandparents’ side of the castle to find the rooms black with soot, piled high with rubble, open to the elements and crows who still found small treasures among the debris. In the midst of the rubble were patches of wall where the fire had not reached, glimpses of the castle’s former life revealed like flashes of memory that Kitty seized upon with nostalgia. Dizzy with sadness, she retreated to the stairs and climbed up to the little room in the western tower where she had so often hidden with Celia and Bridie and talked to Barton Deverill, who used to sit in the silk chair with his feet up on the foot stool.
She heard her grandmother’s voice long before she entered the room. It rose and fell like a song as she merrily reminisced with Hubert by the turf fire as if they were still in the library. Kitty stifled a sob and pushed open the door. Adeline turned her attention to the visitor. Her eyes widened and her face broke into a smile. ‘I was just saying to Hubert, now we haven’t seen Kitty for some time. Have you been hunting, my dear? It’s fine weather for the hunt, so they tell me. Hubert shot some snipe this morning. He says there are plenty in the marshlands. Those dogs are frightfully good at putting them up.’
Kitty blinked back tears and knelt beside her and allowed her grandmother to stroke her hair. ‘I’ve missed you,’ she said, gazing into the face that time had suddenly remembered and aged in a hurry to make up for the years it had overlooked.
‘I had lovely red hair like yours when I was a girl. Of course in my day they made me put it up, but as soon as I was out of sight I’d pull out all the ribbons and let it fall about my shoulders.’ She scrunched Kitty’s hair in her fingers. ‘Your mother never liked your hair. She thought it terribly ugly. She didn’t know it was made of spun gold and sunbeams. I never liked Maud. When your father married her I was very sad. I saw what she really was, but men are blinded by beauty, aren’t they? She was full of ambition and pretence. Then her head was turned by the Duke of Rothmeade. I’m not sure whether she loved him or what he represented, but she would have left Bertie, I think, and run off with him if it hadn’t been for you.’
Kitty sat up. She had a vague memory of the Shrubs discussing Eddie Rothmeade in the library. ‘What are you talking about, Grandma?’
‘The Duke of Rothmeade. He was very handsome. He used to come and stay to shoot and hunt. He was a terrific horseman and a great friend of Bertie’s. Maud went out with the hunt, sometimes three times a week, which is why she suffered those miscarriages after Harry. She was so keen to be with him she went flying over the hedges without a thought for the children she carried inside her. The Duke was very taken with her, you see. Then she became pregnant with you and no amount of hunting could dislodge you from her belly. You see, only rotten apples fall from the tree. You were the finest apple in the orchard. Because of you Eddie Rothmeade gave up on her. I heard the whole scene from the greenhouse. He was furious. I suppose she had said her marriage to Bertie was in name only and he had believed her. She was very manipulative.’ Adeline narrowed her eyes. ‘I even think, the stars in her eyes as bright as they were, that she would have turned her back on Harry had the Duke asked her to. But he gave her up without a backward glance. Between you and me, I think he was simply looking for an excuse and you were a very good one.’
Kitty was astonished. She didn’t know what to say. ‘Would you like some cake? It’s terribly good,’ Adeline continued. ‘Mrs Doyle makes wonderful porter cakes.’ Kitty looked around the room. There was no cake to be seen anywhere. ‘Hubert would love a rubber of bridge. The Shrubs will come down when they’re ready. Laurel takes so long over her bath. Colonel Manley is coming for dinner. Do you think he likes to play bridge? What do you think, Hubert?’ Adeline looked at the chair opposite, listening to Hubert’s reply. It had been so long since Kitty had seen a ghost that she was almost surprised when Hubert came into focus, a faint, fuzzy light, but undeniably him.
‘It won’t be long now,’ he said and Kitty looked at her grandmother fearfully.
‘I would love a rubber of bridge,’ she said, putting her head on Adeline’s lap and closing her eyes to hold back the tears. ‘Do you have any cannabis, Grandma? I’d like to drink cannabis tea and laugh and gossip like we used to in the library. Those were happy times.’
‘I have lots of cannabis in the greenhouse. Why don’t you go and pick some. The Shrubs will be down soon and they’d love a little tea. It does wonders to calm their nerves. Colonel Manley has a soft spot for Hazel, I’m sure of it.’
Kitty hurried into the vegetable garden, wiping away tears and choking back her sobs. Her grandmother was losing her mind. Up there in the tower all day she was slipping slowly towards death. Hadn’t her grandfather said it wouldn’t be long? Not only was she losing her mind but she was losing her sense of discretion as well. What about this Duke of Rothmeade? Was it true that her mother’s pregnancy had ruined their affair? Was that the real reason Maud had so resented her? She stumbled over the weeds that had grown thick and tall and finally reached the greenhouses whose glass windows were now covered with lichen and moss. She pushed open the door that had grown stiff due to the damp, and stepped inside. In spite of the neglect it was pleasantly warm and smelt as it always had. Kitty searched the overgrown plants and vegetation for cannabis. She remembered what it looked like. The leaves were very distinctively star-shaped.
At last she found them. Great heaps of vibrant green leaves that seemed to have seeded themselves and grown beyond all measure. Adeline wouldn’t be able to drink this much cannabis tea even if she lived for a thousand years, Kitty thought in amusement, but she could make a start. After all, if it was good enough to calm her grandmother’s nerves, it was good enough for her. Kitty picked a big handful then headed back out into the drizzle. As she began to walk towards the castle she saw, out of the corner of her eye, the wall where she had exchanged notes with Jack. Her heart gave a little tug. She stopped and stared at it, remembering the last time she had seen him on the station platform, falling to the ground with a rifle butt in his stomach. If his plan had worked they’d have been in America now and who knows what their lives would have been like.
Slowly she found herself walking towards the wall. Jack’s face materialized in her mind and she felt her legs go weak beneath her. She could almost feel him. The memory was so strong she could smell the scent of his skin and taste his kiss. Dizzy with the sudden assault from the past she bent down and traced her fingers over the stone that concealed the hole where they had kept their secret messages. Slowly she removed it. When she saw the little square paper inside, her heart gave a greater lurch. Confused, she pulled it out and unfolded it.
My darling Kitty
I’m free but you are not. I hear you are to marry and I only have myself to blame for letting you go. I got all your letters but I never replied because I really meant it when I told you to get on with your life. I thought I’d rot in there forever. But I’m free and I hoped, indeed I prayed, that you would still be there for me. You are not. My darling Kitty, I love you more than you’ll ever know. I leave this letter here in the unlikely chance you’ll find it. Grace told me not to ruin your happiness so I won’t. But I can’t leave this unsaid. I love you, dear friend and compatriot. I love you with all my heart and always will. Jack
Kitty slumped onto the wet grass, put her head in her hands, and wept.
Chapter 32
Driven by an uncontrollable rage Kitty marched over the long grasses to the tree where she had tied her horse. She stuffed the cannabis into her jacket pocket with Jack’s note and mounted. The sky had darkened above her as heavy clouds rolled in, carrying in their bellies the promise of rain. There was a sharp edge to the wind and it grazed her skin as she galloped over the hills to Ballinakelly.
She was furious with Grace for having told Jack not to contact her and she was furious with Jack for having listened to her. She put her head down and spurred the
horse on. If Jack was in Ballinakelly she’d find him. Once she had found him she didn’t know what she was going to do.
The town was just as she had left it. The houses looked grey in the dim light of mid-afternoon, the road glistened with rain and the sea reflected the dreary colour of the leaden skies above it. Kitty trotted through the mud, digging her chin into her chest, not wanting to see anyone she knew. Her heart thumped with anticipation of bumping into Michael Doyle even though her head told her she had no reason to fear him now.
When she reached the O’Leary house, she dismounted and knocked heavily on the door. A moment later it opened a crack and the small, suspicious face of Jack’s mother peered through. ‘What is it you want?’ she asked when she saw Kitty.
‘I’m after Jack. Is he here?’
‘A problem with your horse, is there?’ she said and Kitty chose to ignore the sarcasm in her voice.
‘I need to see him urgently. Where might I find him?’
‘He was called to John Whiting’s farm outside Bandon.’
Kitty’s heart sank. There was no point riding all the way to Bandon. ‘Tell him I came by,’ she said.
‘You might as well know that he doesn’t live here any more. Jack has his own place now, as he should.’
‘Oh, I didn’t know.’
‘Well, good day to you, Miss Deverill.’
‘It’s Mrs Trench, actually,’ said Kitty haughtily. She mounted her horse and trotted off, leaving Mrs O’Leary full of questions she was too proud to ask.
Kitty rode slowly up to the Fairy Ring. Leaning against one of the massive boulders she closed her eyes. She wished she could turn back the clock, open her eyes and find herself sixteen again, before she had got involved in the war, before she had got too close to Michael Doyle, before everything had gone so horribly wrong. She was transported back to those times she had met Jack here, in this mystical place where stones came alive at sunset and nature spirits played in summertime. She longed to recapture that time of innocence and optimism, when she had believed love to be uncomplicated. When she had believed she and Jack had a future.
As she gazed upon the ocean she sensed she was no longer alone. She turned her head to see Jack. He had left his horse with hers and was standing outside the stone circle, watching her. Her breath caught in her throat and all the anger she had felt towards him welled up once again. He stepped towards her. But Kitty didn’t notice the toll that prison had taken on his youth or the downward turn to his mouth which had come from regret and bitterness. All she saw was the man she loved who had forsaken her.
‘Why did you wait until after I was married to tell me that you’re free?’ she exclaimed, marching towards him. ‘Why didn’t you write to me? Why didn’t you come for me? I waited for you, Jack. I pined for you. I didn’t give up even when you told me to, because I didn’t want anyone else but you. I would have waited until old age for you.’
‘But you didn’t,’ he said.
Kitty’s anger boiled over. ‘You’re accusing me of not waiting for you? Christ, Jack, what do you want from me!’ She dropped her hands in defeat. ‘I have a child.’
‘I know,’ he said softly. ‘Grace told me.’
‘Then she should have told you that I had to give him a father. I had to put my own wishes aside for him. You had robbed me of all hope so I married Robert Trench who was always kind to me and he is a wonderful father to Jack.’ At the mention of the child’s name they both stared at each other. Kitty gasped as if scalded.
‘Jack?’ he repeated.
Kitty nodded. ‘I named him after you.’
‘Oh Kitty.’ He came closer and Kitty flinched at the wounded expression in his eyes. ‘Do you love Robert Trench?’ he asked, looking down at her, his face full of hope.
‘No, I don’t.’ She wanted to explain that she was fond of Robert. That she respected him and that she was grateful to him, but something stopped her.
‘Don’t be angry, Kitty. I thought I was doing the best thing for you but I did the worst thing for both of us. I’ll regret it for the rest of my life.’
‘But you left this note!’ She fumbled in her pocket because he was so close now that she had to avert her eyes. He took her hand and pulled it out of her jacket. The feeling of his warm skin weakened her resolve. She met his gaze and her fury dissipated.
‘I left the note because I had to tell you I love you.’ ‘You knew I’d come back and that I’d be married.’ ‘I honestly thought you’d never read it. I thought the days of secret notes and meetings were over. I thought you’d left Ireland and everything in it.’ His voice cracked and his lips trembled and Kitty’s heart buckled as she realized that everything she adored about Ireland was embodied in this man she had always loved.
‘Oh Jack,’ she groaned. ‘What have we done?’ When he pulled her into his embrace she fell against him willingly. The rain began to fall and the wind swept in off the sea in blustery gusts but Kitty and Jack held each other so close that nothing could come between them. Their kiss peeled back the years and in that moment they were young again, undamaged by war, untainted by brutality, unwithered by time.
When Kitty finally returned to Dunderry Castle, Robert and Peter were celebrating their successful meeting with Lord Deverill at the Hunting Lodge. ‘He’s allowed us to take it on as tenants,’ said Robert joyfully, not noticing the pallor in his wife’s cheeks.
‘The man’s like a lion without his teeth,’ said Peter. ‘It was easier than I had anticipated.’
‘Kitty is his daughter, regardless of their differences, and Castle Deverill is her home. It’s her right to live there,’ said Robert.
‘Goodness, you’re wet through,’ said Elspeth, walking into the room. ‘You must go and have a bath immediately or you’ll catch your death of cold. I’ll ask O’Malley to bring up hot water,’ she said, taking Kitty by the hand and leading her out into the freezing hall. ‘Are you all right?’ she asked, as they made their way up the stairs.
‘I saw Grandma,’ Kitty replied flatly. ‘She’s lost her mind.’
‘I was afraid of this. Seeing her like that must be very distressing for you. I know how close you are. What’s that you’ve got in your pocket?’ she asked, looking down at the green leaves spilling out of it.
Kitty grinned wearily. ‘Cannabis.’
‘Oh Kitty, you didn’t!’
‘Yes, I did. Grandma asked for some, but I never got to give it to her as I had to come back. I thought perhaps it would calm my nerves.’
‘All you need is a hot bath and a good night’s sleep and you’ll feel as right as rain.’ Kitty followed her upstairs, knowing that her sister would never understand the turmoil in her heart. How could she?
That night, Kitty crept into Robert’s bedroom. The light was off and he appeared to be sleeping. She slipped out of her dressing gown and let it fall to the carpet. He heard the creaking of the floorboards as she stepped towards the bed and rolled over. ‘Kitty? Is that you?’ he asked.
‘Yes,’ she whispered. ‘It’s cold.’
‘Then you’d better come and snuggle up,’ he said, pulling back the blankets.
She slipped beneath them and edged into his arms. ‘I want to be your wife in body as well as in my soul,’ she said, tracing her hand up his chest.
Robert pulled her against him. ‘My darling Kitty!’ He found her lips and kissed her tenderly. Kitty closed her eyes and wound her arms around his body. She needed him now more than ever. Jack was free and he still loved her. She couldn’t trust herself with that knowledge, nor with the spark in the deepest corner of her heart that still smouldered for him. She had to give herself to Robert. She had to feel she belonged to him. She had to commit to her marriage with such force of will that there was no danger of her losing her head and consequently losing the security she had found for herself and little Jack. So she gave herself to her husband and hoped that, by this act, so distasteful to her now, she might conceive a child that would tie her irrevocably to Robert.
The following day Peter drove them all to Rupert’s pretty white house that was built on the cliffs overlooking the sea. Robert had sent word to London for the rest of the servants to join them with what remained of their belongings and his car. With the help of O’Malley, Elspeth’s maid and Robert’s valet Bridgeman, they set about lifting the dust sheets off the furniture and opening the windows to circulate the fresh air. No one had set foot in there since Rupert had been killed in the war so everything was just as he had left it. Kitty was grateful for the distraction. She threw herself into the activity with vigour in order to keep her mind from wandering into Ballinakelly or up to the Fairy Ring where she might find Jack. Robert, flushed with happiness after the final consummation of their marriage, looked upon his wife with extra tenderness, ignorant of the turbulence that raged beneath the mask of her smile.
While labourers from Ballinakelly worked on the various leaks in the roof and repainted some of the rooms, Robert and Kitty stayed at Dunderry Castle. The rest of their household arrived. The cook settled into the kitchen and began cleaning all the pots and pans and stocking the larder. Bridgeman unpacked the cases. Kitty’s maid polished the cupboards inside and out and hung up all her clothes. The beds were aired and made up with fresh sheets. Turf was bought and fires lit to get rid of the damp. Rupert’s papers were boxed up and stored in the attic. His clothes were shared between the two brothers-in-law because no one else wanted them.
Kitty knew it was unwise to see Jack. She had accepted that as a married woman meeting him in private again was not possible. However, she longed to see Grace. In spite of Grace telling Jack to let her go, she missed the one friend she was able to confide in. As the days passed her anger towards her ally and co-conspirator was assuaged by the certainty that, whatever her reasons for putting Jack off, Grace had acted out of affection for her. There was no doubt that Robert Trench was a more suitable husband for her in every way even though she didn’t love him like she loved Jack.
Songs of Love and War Page 38