“I’m so happy for you,” I said, grabbing his hand. “Really. Really. Happy for you.”
Jason shook his head and smiled. “You were never a good liar.”
“I am happy for you,” I said again. “You’ve worked hard. You deserve this. If you think this is the right move for your company then…”
Jason let out a sigh and sat back in the booth. He shook his head and ran his hand over his eyes. “I think it’ll be a great move for the shop. But it’s everything else I’m worried about.”
I glanced around the table at our friends who were keeping themselves amused and giving us the space to discuss. I wondered how long they knew. I wondered how long Jason knew. This was pretty big news to keep from me. I trembled when I thought about all of the other things he might be keeping from me. He was building up walls, and I had no idea why.
“This will be a good thing,” I said, wrapping my hands around Jason’s. Maybe we weren’t as close as I thought. Maybe I valued the relationship I imagined we had versus what reality actually presented. “I really believe it’ll be a good thing.”
Jason pressed his lips together and then spoke softly. “There are a few more things I need to talk to you about. But now’s not the time.”
“Nothing surprises me any more,” I said, patting his knee.
I looked into his eyes and felt distance growing between us, and that’s when it occurred to me. He was doing this just so he didn’t have to deal with everything else that he’d been keeping from me. This was his escape plan, his exit strategy. My stomach churned at the thought, and I tried to dismiss the notion as soon as it came in. But I couldn’t. The thought settled right in and made itself at home in my tired mind.
“How long have you known about this?” I asked Jason, as the server brought over the ice block containing the shots. Fog rolled off the sampler as the server set it down. He listed the various types of vodka, describing each of the attributes. I didn’t even bother to listen.
“I’ve been debating opening up a shop down here for the last year or so. But the timing really didn’t feel right.”
“And the timing feels right now?” I questioned, as Lily took one of the shot glasses and sniffed it.
“No. It feels anything but right.”
“Then why do it?” I asked.
“Because I don’t think the timing will ever feel right.”
I nodded slowly and smiled.
“Well, congratulations,” I said, reaching for one of the shot glasses that contained a peach-colored liquid. The glass was frosty and I’d say I was too. I flashed Jason a smile before I gulped it down and slammed the empty shot glass on the table.
“Whoa. That was fun,” I laughed.
Aaron caught my gaze, and I knew by the look in his eyes that the move was only part of the story Jason had to tell. I thought back to Jason’s words, “You deserve better” and a chill ran through me. Had I been living in denial these last few months? Had he been planning an exit strategy?
I picked up another shot glass out of the block and held it up to our friends. “Cheers to Jason’s new shop in Vegas.”
Brandy slid her hand to my leg but used the other to grab a shot glass, as did everyone else. We clanked the glasses together and took a drink while Jason looked on. He knew what he was doing. He knew by not telling me this was what was going to happen. He wanted to push me away and he was succeeding.
I took a sip of water to wash the bitterness away, but it only spread.
Aaron flagged our server for another ice block.
“You okay?” Brandy whispered.
“Never been better,” I lied.
Brandy nodded. “I didn’t know until we checked into our room. I never would’ve kept that from you if…”
“You don’t have a thing to apologize for,” I assured her. “It’s my own mess… My own oblivious existence that got me here.”
Jason excused himself from the table and my chest tightened. Would he come back? Of course he would come back.
I let out a sigh as Lily and Brandy looked on.
“I was shocked when I heard,” Lily said, shaking her head.
“It’s a good thing, really. It makes sense to open a place here. A lot of his clients are from here.” My mouth went incredibly dry, but the water I kept drinking did nothing to quench my thirst. Apparently lying to myself had side effects.
“He wanted to tell you. He planned on explaining everything when you arrived. That’s why I thought…” my brother’s voice trailed off.
I shrugged. “What’s meant to be will be. It’s beyond my control.”
“You aren’t looking so hot,” Lily said, as Aaron looked over his shoulders.
“Thanks,” I laughed. “Exactly what I needed to hear at this particular moment.”
Lily shrugged and began looking at the menu. The dim lighting in the restaurant matched my mood. The deep maroon of the walls mixed with the gold and silver of the fixtures created an intimate feel even though the restaurant was huge. All of the tables were filled and the bar was standing room only.
“You’ve known him longer than I have.” I glanced at Aaron. “Has Jason always had a dream to open a shop in Vegas?”
Aaron sat back in the chair and sighed as the server delivered more vodka.
“Are you ready to order?” the server asked.
“I think we’ll wait until our friend returns,” Ayden replied, while Aaron’s gaze remained fixed on mine. He waited until the server left to answer.
“First time I heard about it was yesterday.” Aaron scratched his jaw.
I nodded. “That’s what I thought.” I scanned the restaurant for Jason but there was still no sign of him. “I think he’s only trying to avoid whatever else is bothering him.”
“That’s quite an expensive avoidance technique,” Brandy said.
Aaron narrowed his eyes at me, studying me exactly like he did when we were younger and then he spoke. “You’re just going to let it happen?”
“I don’t think I have much of a choice. It sounds like it’s a done deal, and I somehow doubt that this is the worst of our problems.”
“What exactly are the two of you talking about?” Lily asked. “The new store or something larger?”
I didn’t respond because I was no longer sure. One minute Jason could take my breath away, and the next leave my heart aching with confusion and worry.
Aaron looked uncomfortable as he steepled his fingers, expanding them in and out as he debated what to say. “Something’s off.”
I tilted my head slightly. “No kidding.”
“I wish I could tell you what’s been bothering him,” Aaron said. “He’s my best friend. I’d do anything for him, but he won’t talk to me about it.”
“Imagine how Gabby feels,” Brandy said, pursing her lips together.
I shrugged. “Aaron’s known him a lot longer.”
Aaron shook his head. “He loves you, Gabby. I know he does.”
“I hope that’s enough,” I muttered, spotting Jason weaving back through the tables. His expression was grim as I caught him shoving the cell phone back into his pocket. “But every day that goes by that he shuts me out, makes it more difficult to believe that he’ll ever let me back in.”
I remembered back to when we first met. The spark in his eyes that always gave away his mischievous intent. How I longed to see that spark again. It was hard to fathom that the carefree Jason, who steadily removed my walls, was now busily erecting his own, and I might not be able to break through.
“Why the long faces?” Jason asked, sliding into the booth.
I glanced around the table and had to laugh. We all looked like we’d lost a family member, and maybe we had. I wrapped my arm around Jason and hugged him. I didn’t want to lose him, but as I looked into his eyes, I realized I might not have a choice in the matter. Regardless of his intentions, he wasn’t going to tell me everything. I sensed it, and that realization was crushing. Don’t get me wrong. I was goi
ng to try my hardest to get the answers I deserved, but I could tell it wasn’t going to be easy.
“Out of vodka. That’s devastating with this many thirsty mouths to feed,” I said, pushing aside all of the emotions that were threatening to erupt. I realized I’d already begun to build my walls back up months ago. I kept myself so busy at the bakery because I’d mastered preparing for the worst my entire life. I wanted to be angry, but I was just numb as I looked at Jason.
“A travesty,” Jason laughed. He caught Aaron’s stare, and his body stiffened.
The look exchanged between my brother and my boyfriend was chilling, but in spite of myself, I decided to forge ahead into unfamiliar territory.
“Tell me about the space you’ve leased,” I asked Jason as the server came over.
Before Jason answered, we placed our orders.
“I haven’t signed the lease yet,” he replied.
“I thought it was a done deal,” I said, unable to hide my surprise.
Jason shook his head. “It’s a big commitment.”
“Tell me about it,” I said, a little of the tightness in my chest lessened. “So it’s not a done deal?”
He shook his head, taking a sip of iced tea. “Still have to work the numbers. But so far it looks like a smart move.”
A glimmer of hope surfaced. I didn’t want to convince him not to do it, but if he was doing it for the wrong reason, I hoped he’d see it before it was too late.
“Life isn’t always about the numbers,” Aaron said, completely taking me off guard. Looks like my brother really had started to change. I could thank Brandy for that.
“True,” Brandy agreed.
Jason nodded.
“So when do you think you’ll know?” I asked.
“I’d like to show you the space…Get your thoughts. Maybe check out a condo I found as well?” he asked, but it sounded like the voice of a stranger. Whoever he was on the phone with, before he came back to the table, drove another wedge between us.
“I’d like that,” I said, pushing down the sadness. “Maybe it would be a nice little getaway when I need a break from the bakery.”
“That’s true. We don’t want you to work yourself into exhaustion,” Lily said, holding my hand. “I think you’re well on your way.”
I bit my lip and glanced at Jason. “It will be nice to have you home this week,” I said.
His gaze dropped from mine and my world froze. It was happening again; only this time, my friends and brother were here to see it.
“I got a call about some business I need to take care of on Monday,” Jason said.
“So you won’t be flying home with me?” I asked, barely able to choke back the tears.
The sadness had nothing to do with the travel. People went away all the time on business. That wasn’t a big deal. I was a big girl. I could handle my partner being away. The tears were because I knew he was lying to me. The travel had nothing to do with his business. It had everything to do with what he was keeping from me.
I stared straight ahead and nodded as the server brought our food.
Lily and Brandy were silent. They knew. I thought back to the papers they tried to get me to read, but the information collected didn’t matter. What I needed was for Jason to let me in, and he wasn’t doing that.
He shook his head. “I’ve got to head out to Tennessee. It should only be for a couple days.”
Brandy’s eyes stayed fastened on mine.
“Business,” I half whispered.
Jason touched my cheek and smiled.
“I’d like to come. I’ve never seen that part of the country,” I said.
Jason nodded, and a lightning bolt of excitement ran through me as I mistakenly thought he was agreeing to my own change of course.
“Next time,” he said, cutting his chicken Kiev.
I hoped there’d be a next time.
“I can’t do this,” I said to Jason.
We were back in the suite, standing on the balcony that overlooked the strip. The rest of the dinner with our friends carried a burden of the unknown. It was no longer my words that propelled the weight of worry forward. Jason’s actions had validated what I’d mentioned to Brandy and Lily. His secretive ways and spur-of-the-moment trips revealed themselves right in front of our friends. He didn’t even look like the same person I fell in love with. He was guarded and aloof. Maybe he didn’t like to get caught.
“You can’t do what,” Jason asked, turning to look at me, “in particular?”
“I’ve been patient. I’ve given you space. I’ve tried not to pry as I waited and waited for you to give me answers,” I began. “But tonight I realized those answers may never come, and that outcome is something I don’t want to live with.”
Jason’s gaze hardened as he watched me. “So what are you saying?”
“I’m saying if you get on that plane tomorrow without telling me what’s going on, you might want to think about flying back here to Vegas. Not Seattle.” It was as if my mouth was on autopilot. I couldn’t allow my heart to get involved. I couldn’t allow my mind to play tricks on me. His effect on me was too powerful if I let my mind remember what it was that we shared. Ninety-eight percent of the time it felt as if we were in a perfect bubble, but the other two percent, the secrecy, threatened it all. I was grateful that the words were gushing out. No matter how ugly they were, they needed to be said.
Jason leaned against the railing and folded his arms on his chest. His biceps flexed, stretching the sleeves of his shirt, and I had to look away. The physical connection we shared always weakened me, and I couldn’t afford fantasies any longer. I needed the truth.
The warm Vegas air wrapped around my body, but it didn’t protect me from the chill between us. Lights flashing from casinos and hotels provided a colorful backdrop as I waited for him to say something, anything.
I grabbed one of the chairs and took a seat. I was exhausted beyond belief and my chest hurt. Jason drug the other chair in front of mine and sat down. He shoved his hands against the arms of the chair as he leaned back. He was lost in his thoughts, contemplating whatever it was that threatened to silence him once again
“I can’t think of anywhere I’d rather be than with you,” Jason said.
The gravelly tone in his voice filled all my senses with hope. The way his gaze connected with mine made me wish that everything was all right, but that was what always happened. Jason filled me up so completely whenever I was in his presence that I believed that everything would be fine. Regardless of what facts were presented to me, I chose to put my worries aside and trust that he knew what I needed, but I couldn’t do that any longer. I was tired of waiting for the answers that never came so I remained quiet, hoping my silence would prompt him to keep speaking.
“My intention has never been to hurt you,” Jason whispered. “It’s been to protect you.”
“I’ve learned that the outcome is more important than the intention.” An undercurrent of apprehension marked my words as if I was afraid of where they might lead.
Yet I knew that instead of dreaming about what we could be, I needed to focus on what we were, and at the moment, I wasn’t sure what that was.
Jason bent forward to close the distance between us and placed his hand on my knee. His touch moved me in such a specific way, producing a need to be close to him.
“When I first arrived in Vegas, I believed you were going to tell me what has been going on, but at dinner when you returned from that call, I knew you decided not to tell me. With everything we’ve shared these past months, I don’t understand where this secrecy is coming from. You can tell me anything.”
“You’ve been working so hard,” Jason said. “Between being at the bakery and helping Brandy out with so much…” Sirens blazed behind us and Jason glanced over his shoulder before returning his gaze back to mine. “I didn’t want to add to your stress level.”
I arched a brow and waited. That was a weak excuse at best. I hadn’t helped Bran
dy since before the holidays.
“I trusted that everything was going to be all right. That everything would eventually sort itself out,” I began. “But it hasn’t. You’ve become more secretive, and there are so many times when I can’t tell what you’re really thinking.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I believe that you are, but I don’t want an apology. I want to know what you’re hiding from me. Jason, it’s killing me inside.”
Jason’s eyes stayed on mine. “You don’t deserve to be dragged into my shit.”
The numbness went away, quickly replaced by fury. Finally, the anger that I’d been burying bounded to life, and there was no taking it back.
“I can’t hold out forever waiting for answers that you may decide never to give me. It’s only a matter of time before this is our undoing,” I said, standing up. My breath caught in my throat and a cough erupted out of nowhere. “Sorry. I need to grab a glass of water.”
Jason followed me inside, and I filled a cup and took a sip.
“You come from a background so different than mine,” Jason began.
“Since when has that ever been a barrier?” I narrowed my eyes.
“Since I realized it could affect you.”
“How? Why would that matter?” I asked, desperate to understand. “We’re supposed to conquer anything and everything together as a unit. If you leave me alone on the shore, while you sail off to conquer the world, I might as well be a stranger, not a partner.”
“It’s a tangled mess that I don’t even understand,” Jason began. “Believe me, I’ve been trying for months to piece things together.”
“About your family?” I asked.
He nodded.
“I want to be there for you, Jason. I want to be the one by your side no matter where life leads you, leads us. I thought that’s what our relationship was about. We were brought together for a reason. You’ve changed my life. You’ve made me see the world in a different way.”
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