“Why’s that?”
“Because he doesn’t sleep in the same bed with you.”
I swallowed hard. If she only knew. “There’s no reason besides that?”
“Nope,” she said, happily licking her ice cream.
“Do you really want to go to Sweden?” I asked after a while.
“Sure, going to Sweden’s going to be fun! I’ve never been there. Maybe we can go visit Pippi Longstocking. Sandra said she lives there.”
“What if we don’t find her?”
“Doesn’t matter. It’ll still be fun.”
At the moment, fun wasn’t the word that came to mind when I thought about my reunion with Mathis. I had a guilty conscience, and I felt sure that he would sense this and ask questions. What would I say when he did?
After deliberating a long time, I came to a decision that Steffen found decidedly unfun. I hadn’t made it lightly and had in fact lain awake all night thinking about the situation, but what I needed to do finally came to me.
When I told him, two days before Paula and I were supposed to leave, his jaw dropped. “You can’t be serious, after all that’s happened between us.”
“I’m sorry, Steffen, but I’m completely serious. I’ve been thinking about it for days, and my decision is final. I’m going to see Mathis in Sweden.” To my relief, my voice sounded strong despite my nervousness.
“But why, Nele? We’ve had some incredible days—and nights. I thought everything between us was . . . You can’t do this to us!” Steffen’s voice broke, and he looked so desperate that my eyes filled with tears, too. You’re heartless, Nele Martens, I thought. Everywhere you go, you destroy things. Steffen deserved better, but I knew there was no turning back. I had to hurt him now if there was any chance of saving my relationship with Mathis.
“Steffen, please be realistic. We tried this before and it didn’t work. The things we want from life are just too different, and I doubt your attitude has changed since then.”
“Yours certainly hasn’t,” said Steffen. “You act like it’s some sort of crime to want a family, children, and a happy reunion when the husband comes home at night—”
“With a wife who dutifully has a hot meal waiting on the table for him,” I finished for him.
“And what’s wrong with that?” Steffen shouted. “What’s the big deal, Nele? What in God’s name does this Mathis give you that I don’t?”
“Freedom,” I said in a weak voice.
“Freedom? Please! Nele, stop kidding yourself. The one little thing Mathis gives you is freedom? What kind of freedom is that? He leaves you behind and doesn’t even get in touch for weeks. Is that what you want? You can count on this guy to give you all the freedom in the world, but you won’t be happy. You know what I think, Nele? I don’t think this has anything to do with me. This is about you and your fear of commitment.” Steffen grabbed me by the shoulders. “You don’t know what the hell you want.” His voice was urgent. “Don’t throw your life away on a married man who’s old enough to be your father.”
“I’m sorry, Steffen. I don’t have a choice,” I said in a soft voice.
The next thing I heard was the sound of my door slamming shut.
There he is! It’s Mathis!” Paula stood at the ferry railing and waved wildly until he saw us and waved back. My heart leaped when I saw him in his light summer pants and blue shirt, his skin tanned, and his hair tousled by the wind. I knew for sure then that I was anything but done with him. I rushed to the ferry exit with Paula. As soon as our feet hit the ground, Mathis was upon us, and before I could even say hello, his lips were on mine.
“My God, Nele, I’ve missed you so much!” He couldn’t stop kissing me. Instantly, I was filled with bliss and all my doubts melted away.
“Hey, can you two stop all that smooching? I’m here, too, you know!”
“Of course I know that, Paula.” Laughing, Mathis scooped Paula up in his arms and whirled her in a circle. “Did you enjoy the boat trip?”
“It was great! And you know what I got?” She waved a paper in Mathis’s face, the pirate diploma that she’d made in the children’s program on the ferry from Germany to Trelleborg on Sweden’s south coast. He studied it for a good long while. “Oh dear,” he said in mock desperation. “Now that you’re a pirate, I’ll have to watch out: you might make me walk the plank!”
“I might!” Paula laughed and poked him in the ribs.
“Okay, but now we’ve got to drive a bit out of the city,” Mathis said. “I’ve booked us in a beautiful little beach hotel not far from here, just for tonight. Tomorrow, we’ll drive up the coast until we get to Stockholm in nine days.” We climbed into Mathis’s rental car, which seated three quite comfortably, and it wasn’t long before we’d reached the outskirts of Trelleborg.
“Welcome to Sweden,” said Mathis, squeezing my hand. “It’s wonderful to have you here. Last week was a lot of work, and I haven’t seen much of the countryside or Stockholm. Now we can do that together.”
“It wouldn’t have hurt you to call,” I mumbled.
“But, I did.”
“Two days ago you called to tell me to take the ferry instead of a plane. But for more than two weeks I didn’t hear a thing from you.”
“I’ve had a lot to think about,” Mathis said.
“That’s no reason—”
“That was exactly the reason. I longed for you terribly, Nele, believe me. But sometimes I just need some time to myself.”
That sounded just ominous enough to make me think twice about pursuing the topic further. Just as I was about to add more fuel to the fire, Paula piped up.
“I was supersick while you were gone, Mathis, did you hear?”
“Really? What did you have that was so bad?” he asked.
“I fell on my head and had to go to the hospital, and then I had to stay in bed for a long time, and my head hurt a lot.”
Mathis looked at me, and I nodded. “How did that happen?” He looked quite stunned. I told him about the bumper cars.
“Well, that’s really something.” He turned to Paula. “That could have ended very badly.”
“Not really.” Paula sounded perfectly cheerful. “Steffen was there, so nothing really bad could happen because he’s a doctor. He came to see me every day and sometimes he read to me. I liked that. Steffen’s really okay.”
As she spoke, Mathis became visibly pale. In contrast, I figured my face was turning a deep, dark red, judging by how warm I felt.
“At least you weren’t bored while I was gone,” Mathis noted after he’d recovered a little.
“Me? Oh, no. Steffen came over to see Paula,” I said.
“How selfless of him.” Mathis didn’t seem to be doing so well with this revelation.
So what? I wanted to yell at him. You weren’t there. But my guilty conscience kept me silent.
“Do you have something to tell me, Nele?” asked Mathis in a quiet voice, but I shook my head. I didn’t know whether I’d ever tell him about how I’d doubted him, or about the days, and nights, I’d spent with Steffen. I felt that Mathis had already guessed some of it, but he said nothing and simply squeezed my hand.
The small beach hotel was of a typical Swedish design and had been built on a small hill, giving us a wonderful view of the bay from our suite. The scene from the hotel’s expansive terrace, where we ate dinner, was also breathtaking, and a sea of colorful, fragrant flowers surrounded us.
I washed down my crab soup with a cold, refreshing beer. “This is like something out of a dream,” I said. Mathis and I avoided the topic of Steffen and, slowly, the tension that had built up between us in the car began to dissipate. We enjoyed the balmy evening out on the terrace until twilight, when the temperature dropped, and then we retired to our room. I could hardly wait to feel Mathis’s warm skin against mine.
“Wha
t happened between you and Steffen?” Mathis asked abruptly. I was snuggled up in his arms, on the verge of falling asleep, when his words woke me with a start.
“What do you mean?” I asked, then instantly regretted it. This situation called for complete honesty. Anything less could only end in catastrophe and in a distrust that couldn’t be repaired. Mathis gave me a piercing look and waited. “You’re right,” I admitted. “I slept with Steffen.”
Mathis turned from me and stared at the wall, while I stared unhappily at his muscular, suddenly tense back. Things looked pretty bad. I had hurt both Mathis and Steffen deeply with my irresponsible behavior. What had I been thinking, and how had I hoped this might all turn out? I had no answers.
“Mathis, I’m so sorry. I’m not even going to try to talk my way out of this. I just got caught up in the moment.” I waited, but he lay where he was, facing the wall. I burst into tears. “It’s just that I was so alone, Mathis, and I was so scared after Paula’s accident. I felt so desperate and you weren’t there—you weren’t even reachable. But Steffen was there. He took care of Paula and . . . My God, Mathis, I missed you! But you weren’t there when I needed you so badly. I . . .” I started to sob, my face in my hands. For several minutes, I cried out the tension of the last few days. After a little while, Mathis put his arm around me, and I let my body sink against his.
“This hurts so much, Nele,” Mathis said, sounding sad. “The idea of you in the arms of this man . . . Oh, Nele, you’re right. It’s shameful the way I neglected you. Things could have turned out so much worse for Paula, and I wasn’t there. I was off somewhere, exploring my own needs for weeks, and leaving you on your own. This isn’t working and—worse—I was irresponsible. You had every reason to be upset with me. I practically threw you right back into Steffen’s arms.” Mathis said this last sentence so quietly, I could barely hear him. I looked in his face and saw tears welling up in his eyes.
I wiped away a tear that had been running down his cheek. “I know how much I’ve hurt you. Let’s just forget about this and leave it behind us. Please, try. I love you, Mathis.”
Mathis nodded and swept a strand of hair away from my forehead. “I love you, too, Nele, more than I can say. I’ll try. I promise you that I’ll do better. I don’t want to lose you, Nele.”
Mathis pulled me back against the pillow then, and we made love with a tenderness more intense than any I’d experienced before, with any man.
The good weather held for the next few days, allowing us take full advantage of the diverse Swedish landscape. We borrowed bikes and rode through forests, rowed canoes over idyllic lakes, sailed through the gorgeous archipelago, and strolled through picturesque villages that looked like they might be home to Pippi Longstocking. Whatever we did, we enjoyed being together.
I forced myself not to think about our trip’s inevitable end and our imminent return to everyday life. But when we arrived in Stockholm after eight days of travel, a deep sadness came over me. In just two more days, all this would be over. Mathis would return to his family, and we’d go back to having him only part of the time. Paula was right: in our apartment, Mathis was just a visitor, no matter how I wanted to spin it. After our time together in Sweden, it would be harder than ever to accept this. Just as bad: back home, I ran the risk of running into Steffen. I wished things could always stay the way they were for us in Sweden. That night, I cried myself to sleep.
“You look tired,” Mathis said at breakfast the next day. He looked at me with concern. “Something wrong?”
I shook my head. “I just didn’t sleep very well.”
“Momma doesn’t want to go home,” Paula said. “I don’t either—at least, not yet. Why do we have to take such a short vacation when there’s still so much summer break left?”
“Because we need to work,” I said.
“Other parents have to work, too, and they still take three-week vacations. Juliane’s family did that.”
“I took some vacation already and I can’t stay away any longer,” Mathis explained.
“Why didn’t you take us with you?”
“Because he went on vacation with his children,” I said.
“We could have gone with them, couldn’t we? Unless they’re mean. Are they mean?”
I sighed. How was it that children always zeroed in on exactly those things you didn’t want them to think about?
“Mathis’s children just wanted some alone time with their father. They don’t get to see him a lot.”
“Why not? Mathis lives with them.”
There wasn’t a lot I could say to that. I took a bite of my cereal, figuring I’d let Mathis try to answer. Why should I be the one to justify his actions? I was having a hard enough time coming to terms with them myself.
“You know, Paula,” Mathis began, “it’s not easy having two families. You want to be with both at the same time, and that just isn’t possible.”
“Why not?”
“Because . . .” Mathis looked to me for help, but I ignored him and excused myself to take another trip to the buffet.
“I can’t change it now,” I heard Mathis say when I returned. He sounded slightly irritated.
“So, what fabulous thing do we want to do today?” I asked, hoping to change the subject.
“I want to see the queen’s castle,” Paula said, falling for my ploy. “Do real princesses live there, Momma?”
“Two princesses and a prince.”
“What are their names?”
“Victoria and Madeleine, and the prince is . . . Philip, I think.” I wasn’t totally sure. I’d have to go see my hairdresser if I wanted to get an update on the royals. But Paula was satisfied.
“Sandra says the queen is from Germany. Is that true?”
“Yes, Queen Silvia is German.”
“Can we go talk to her?”
“I don’t think she has time for visitors. She’s busy governing the country.”
“Is it hard to govern a country?”
“I have no idea. I’ve never done it.”
“Sandra says that Pippi Longstocking came from Sweden. So where does she live now?”
“Pippi Longstocking is just a story, Paula. She’s not a real person.”
“Nuh-uh! That’s not true!” Paula looked outraged. “I saw her on TV. She has red braids and a horse with spots on it.”
“I know she has red braids, but—”
“See, she does exist!”
“All right, let’s finish up breakfast and go see the queen’s castle.” Mathis stood up from the table.
“Yay!” Paula cried. “We’re gonna have another fun day!”
I wasn’t so sure about that, and one look at Mathis told me that, after this stressful breakfast, his good mood was gone. He spent the rest of the day lost in thought.
Two days later, Mathis dropped us off outside our apartment. “I can’t stay,” he said, after he’d helped us carry our luggage up. “I have to talk to my sons about something.” He kissed my cheek, patted Paula’s head, and promised to see us the next day. After he’d left, I sat on my suitcase while Paula ran around, happily greeting her dolls and stuffed animals.
“I’m gonna go see if Anneke’s home,” she said after a few minutes, then stormed down the stairs.
And me? I was left alone once again.
The letter sitting on my desk looked almost completely unremarkable, but—unremarkable-looking or not—I kept staring at the return address: Federal Ministry, Berlin. It had to be the decision about our application. Our request for funding had been granted—or rejected. I sat down and took a few deep breaths. Maybe I should make Marco open it, I thought at first. But I realized this was something I had to do—and wanted to do. I had been waiting for this moment for so long.
There was only a single sheet of paper in the envelope. With shaking hands, I unfolded it and b
egan to read:
Dear Ms. Martens,
We are pleased to inform you that your application for funding has been accepted. Funding in the amount of EUR six million at annual rates of . . .
This was just so . . . “Fantastic!” I shouted into my empty office, then I charged toward the door to go tell Marco. Finally some good news! But Marco had already heard me screaming, and we ran into each other in my doorway.
“What’s going on?” He rubbed his sore elbows, which he’d bumped against the door.
“This!” I waved the letter under his nose. “It’s fantastic!”
Marco ripped the letter out of my hand and started to read. “Nele!” He pulled at his curly hair. “Oh my God!” He linked his arm with mine and spun me around. “We did it, we actually did it!” He let go of my arm and fell into a chair, releasing me so fast I almost ran into my desk. “I can’t even believe it. We got the full grant. Six million euros, Nele!”
“Looks like we’re really doing this thing,” I said. “And now Christoph can keep his job!”
“That’s right. We’d better get started. Do the others know?”
“Seriously? I opened the letter just now.”
“Then let’s round everybody up for lunch at Alfonso, so we can celebrate and start working on a battle plan. Don’t tell them what this is about—we’ll surprise them at lunch. I think Lars should come, too. Make enough copies of the letter to give to everyone, and I’ll make reservations for a table at Alfonso.”
“Yes, sir! Right away!” I said as Marco disappeared out the door. Given the circumstances, I decided to overlook the fact that he had apparently mistaken me for our secretary.
Christoph stared at the letter in disbelief, turning it over in his hands as if looking for a catch.
“You can take our word for it,” Marco laughed. “That’s the only page. Everything we need to know is in there, and it says the necessary paperwork will follow. Just be happy. This is a huge step.”
Christoph nodded and took a gulp of beer. “All right,” he said. “If you say so.”
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