by Sarah Noffke
He finally brings his eyes to mine. Hurt, laced with pain, engulfs me. I hadn’t expected it to be so poignant. It almost breaks my fake exterior. Almost.
“Please,” I say. “That’s the word I was looking for, but whatever.” Pressing the pin, I release the silver and copper cuff off my wrist. “Here,” I say, immediately feeling naked without my charm. Putting it on the table, I push it in his direction.
Aiden regards me for a moment, not looking at the bracelet sitting between us. What he’s thinking is all too apparent in his gaze. And what he’s feeling is as clear as the glasses on his face.
“Ummm…is this going to take long?” I say, nudging the bracelet farther in his direction.
He shakes head, a deliberate anger flares across his face. What I’m doing right now is like the trial of long knives, pressing a blade between my forearm and bicep. It’s agonizingly painful. I don’t know how Lucidites keep this act up for so long. It will surely kill me.
He plucks up my protective charm and immediately drops it like it’s burning hot. A new worry stretches across his face. “What?” I say. “Is something wrong with my charm?”
He shakes his head roughly. “It’s nothing.” Slowly, as if afraid of it, he picks it up again from the table, this time holding it with a lighter grip.
“Why did you drop it?” I ask, my forehead creasing with worried concern. “Why are you holding it like that?”
“Just having a psychometric moment,” he says, placing it on another workstation table, his back to me as he examines my charm.
“Is that the thing where you sense energy on objects?”
“Yes,” he says, then nothing else.
“And…” I prompt.
“And, nothing.” His tone is spiked with frustration.
“No,” I counter. “You sensed something from my bracelet. What was it?”
“Nothing.”
“Oh, that’s a big fat lie.”
Aiden sighs, pretending to work.
“Tell. Me,” I say in two giant, angry words.
He swings around, irritation blanketing his face. “It’s nothing to concern yourself with.”
“It’s my bracelet. I think I should be concerned.”
He peels his eyes away from me, staring at nothing.
“Tell me,” I say again.
Pinching the bridge of his nose he shakes his head. “Roya, it’s just your energy—it startled me.”
“Oh,” I say in quiet surprise. “Is that a bad thing?”
“No, it’s not bad and it’s also not something I want to discuss further.”
Aiden’s never spoken to me like this. Treated me with such heartbreaking indifference. In my mind I see myself racing up to him, untying his arms from his chest and urging him to just love me. Fantasies are stupid.
“Are you done with my charm? I don’t want to be without it long enough to give Zhuang a chance to embed my thoughts. A heart controlled by Chase and a mind controlled by Zhuang will have me on the America’s Most Wanted list in no time.”
“You’re safe from Zhuang while in my lab. It’s protected with a VDR shield, same as the rooming corridors,” he says, not the least bit amused. “And yes, I’m done.” Aiden hands me my bracelet, careful not to touch me.
“When will you have the patch ready?”
“I don’t know,” he says, leaning against his workstation, crossing his feet. “But hopefully it will be soon, then you’ll be free to feel how you want.”
“Is that supposed to be a joke?” I spew and immediately scold myself for it.
“No, it’s a factual statement,” Aiden says, staring at his Converse shoes. “I don’t go around making insinuations.”
“Any other factual statements you care to share with me?” My act is slipping, along with my resolve to keep my distance. I take two steps in his direction. He flicks his eyes up at me, a warning in them.
“No,” he says, and I can’t tell if it’s an answer to my question or my sudden closeness.
“Well, maybe you’ll share an opinion with me.”
He draws in a tired breath, sweeping his eyes to the right.
“Don’t I deserve to know why Chase is after me?”
“What I think in this situation is irrelevant.”
I’ve failed to be a pretentious Lucidite. And I don’t care anymore. My mask is on the floor in pieces. “How about how you feel? As a friend, don’t you feel like I deserve the truth?”
“Roya, anything I say in answer to that will be wrong in one vein or another.”
“Thanks, friend. Glad to know you have my back.”
“Err,” he says in a frustrated growl. “Since you’ve guilted me so well I’ll say this much. What you’re getting based on what you deserve isn’t enough. And I can’t invent anything on Earth that can change that. For that I’m sorry. As your friend, I wish I could help you.”
I believe him and it breaks my heart––my real one. It feels good to know even in pain my heart still works.
I hadn’t realized I was still holding my protective charm, not wearing it. The latch makes a gentle chirp when it catches. Unable to resist, I look up at Aiden, his eyes pinned on mine. There are a thousand words we’re leaving unsaid. A thousand things I want him to say and also worry I can’t stand to hear. I must be a glutton for punishment because all I want is to feel him, knowing it will haunt me later––tear the pieces of me that exist in two.
“I think we’re done here,” he says, pushing up from the table, now close enough I can reach out and touch him. “I’ll let you know if I need any other measurements.”
My eyes close with the sudden weight in my heart. I open them and he’s already moved across his lab. When I’m almost to the exit I turn around. He’s staring at me, was watching me leave. “I think for the first time I feel like life is unfair,” I say. “I’ve always thought there were reasons that justified everything, but right now I’m not sure what I believe.”
He nods, agreement written on his face. “There’s something I wish I could tell you right now to make things better. To ease the pain created by all this confusion.”
“Go ahead,” I almost beg.
He gives a remorseful smile. Swallows. “You asked me not to do that anymore. I respect you enough to honor that request. Even if it tortures me.”
Pressing my lips into a firm line I nod, disappointed. “Right.”
“Mind shutting the door behind you?” he says, putting his back to me.
“Sure,” I say, hitting the button once in the hallway. The stainless steel door, which hardly ever closes Aiden’s lab off from the rest of the Institute, slides shut. If not saying how I feel makes me a Lucidite then I don’t want to be one. Feelings were meant to be expressed. My fingers brush the cold steel door in front of me. “I love you,” I declare, wishing I had the courage to say it one minute earlier. Wishing I had the nerve to erase boundaries and obstacles and everything else we’ve self-imposed on ourselves and our happiness. But people like Aiden and me don’t live happily ever after. Our pride would never allow it.
Chapter Fourteen
Joseph has already eaten half a slice of pizza by the time I sidle up next to him in the main hall. Squeezing his shoulders I say, “Hey, you’re going to be my dream travel buddy tonight since I obviously need supervision.”
He laughs. “What if I don’t want to be the one stopping you from making out with Chase?”
“Too bad, you owe me big,” I say, tossing a plate of field greens and lentils on the table. It looks as appetizing right now as pig’s head. “You’ll remember that I was supposed to break your nose and I spared you.” At our birthday party I told Joseph that if what he was secretly working on wasn’t brilliant then I was going to punch him in the face.
“That’s cold, even for you, Stark,” he half laughs, tossing the rest of the pizza back onto the plate.
“Yeah, well, I hear I take after dear old Dad,” I say. “Thinking of calling him DOD for short. Thought
s?”
“I’m not really ready for jokes on either of those subjects just yet,” Joseph says, looking resentful.
I know he’s feeling sentimental on the whole Trey situation. Actually I have a sneaking suspicion that he’s going to great lengths to consider the possibility of building an actual relationship with the guy. The whole idea makes my stomach turn.
“Well, actually, tonight Trent and I were planning on––”
“Going to Iceland,” I interrupt. “Yeah, my Joseph-radar is finally working so watch out.” I see and sense the cringe that follows my words. Joseph has much to hide and I’m just a thought away from unearthing some secrets. The worried concern on his face makes me certain he knows it too. “I’m tagging along. Is that all right?”
“The more the merrier,” Joseph sings without enthusiasm. “Hey George,” Joseph calls over to him. “You wanna go to Iceland with us tonight?”
“Sure,” he says without a moment of deliberation.
“It’s getting merrier,” Joseph says like he’s playing a game. “Hey, Samara?” She stops, beside our table. I suspect she was trying to sneak by, intent on sitting somewhere else. I also sense she isn’t really over her breakup with Joseph or to terms with killing Pearl, but at least she’s brushing her hair and wearing something besides yoga pants.
“Yes?” She halts, looking at him with surprised anticipation.
“Wanna go to Iceland tonight?”
Her face breaks into a relieved smile, her lighthouse eyes flashing with a new energy. “Yes,” she says, taking the seat next to me.
“We’re all going,” Joseph says, circling his arm around the table.
“Sure,” Samara says again, disappointment edging into her voice.
“What are we doing?” George asks, buttering a roll.
“Snipe hunting,” Joseph says. “Be sure to bring a bat and bag. It will be the time of your life.”
♦
I dream travel to the dewy meadow. Sadly I’m early. This is my curse. I’m always overly punctual, to a fault. Half expecting Chase to be standing behind me I fling around, scanning the area. All I see is a brilliant green field dotted every so often with small mounds of rocks. A smell of salt and dirt wafts through the air. I didn’t bring a bag and bat as Joseph requested because I’m not going to be made a fool.
Seconds later I sense someone behind me. I turn, feeling reactionary. My defenses lower as soon as I face a meek-looking Samara. “Hey there.”
“Hey,” I manage back at her.
“You forgot your gear,” she says, holding up a burlap sack and a small bat.
“Oh well, I guess I’ll be the referee,” I say.
“There’s no need for referees in snipe hunting,” Joseph says at my shoulder.
“Well, I guess I’ll just sit out.” I stick my tongue out at him. His blond hair is brighter in the Icelandic sunlight.
A slapping sound behind me arrests my attention. I turn to find Trent smacking his bat into his outstretched hand. “Let’s get this party started already!” A dreadlock falls into his face as he holds up both his arms victoriously. “I’m ready to beat all you fools.”
“Nice spirit, T,” Joseph hoots, looking around. “We’re just waiting on Captain Emotions and we can get started.”
George materializes beside me, bringing with him a soft smile. “I prefer Mr. Emotions,” he says, glancing down at me.
“Noted,” Joseph says, scrutinizing George with an irritated look. “Here’s the game. Y’all will be catching snipes, which are notorious for inhabitin’ this area. They respond to sound and vibrations. Additionally they live in the ground. Here’s what you gonna do: take your bat and beat it on the ground. I suggest doing it rapidly as that usually gets a better result. You’ll wanna keep your eyes low to the ground and peeled on the earth because if you’ve been successful a small, cuddly little creature will come tearin’ out of the ground looking for shelter. These are snipes. They won’t hurt you one bit. Once you spy them, though, you’ll wanna make haste and catch and put ’em in your bag. The person who catches the most snipes will win tonight’s games. How does that sound for fun?!”
“Man, I’m going to school you peeps!” Trent shouts, pointing his bat at Samara and George, who look less than enthusiastic.
“I think I’ll let you,” George says, adjusting the mail bag lying across his chest. “I’ll watch the first round.”
“There will be no watchin’, Anders,” Joseph says, heat in his tone. “Stark is the only one allowed to watch and that’s only because she’s lousy at following directions.”
“And besides, if you aren’t playing, I’m not either,” Samara says, pushing the burlap sack further into the back pocket of her jeans. “Trent is scaring me. I don’t want to be alone with him out there.”
“It’s called zest,” Trent says. “It’s a key ingredient in my irresistible charm.”
“Why exactly do we want to catch these innocent creatures?” Samara asks.
“They’re not innocent,” Joseph says, suddenly offended. “They’ve overpopulated this area and are killing the natural vegetation. You mess with that and it affects the temperatures which in turn affects the icebergs, et cetera, et cetera. What you’re doin’ is saving Iceland. And we’re not going to hurt them. I have a buddy in Georgia that runs a snipe ranch. He’s taking them in…if you all ever get your asses out there and catch them, that is.”
“All right,” Samara says, timidly. “I’ll do it if George does.”
George glances at me and then to Joseph. “Sure,” he says with a shrug.
“Good! This is a prime snipe hour, so let’s not waste it,” Joseph says. “The first round will be one hour long and starts now!”
The three of them scatter across the rock-filled meadow. Trent wastes no time, sliding down onto his knees and wildly beating the bat against the soft earth. It looks like he’s trying to kill a million fire ants. He stops every thirty hits and hunches down lower, checking for snipes.
Samara bangs the ground softly with her bat only every other second and looks around, bewildered. Only once she catches Joseph gazing at her does she put a bit more effort into the game. George ran so far down the meadow that it’s hard to tell exactly what he’s doing. His movements are rhythmic so I guess he’s following Joseph’s instructions, but definitely not with the same gusto as Trent.
“You’re evil,” I say, allowing the smile I’d been suppressing to unfold.
“Oh, Stark, you have no idea.” Joseph gives a fake evil laugh as he puts his arm around my shoulder. “Did you get the inside scoop on snipe hunting by spying on my thoughts?” he asks.
“Well, and my fake brother took me one time,” I say, bitterly remembering the wasted summer night.
“I think I would have liked Shiloh.”
“Yeah, too bad Zhuang had to murder him. You two could have exchanged stories of ways you like to antagonize me.”
“I really hope if Zhuang kills me, that you don’t speak about my death so casually,” he says, squeezing me into him.
The thought of something happening to Joseph sends aches orbiting around my chest. My emotions for my fake family aren’t undeserving. It’s hard to truly love people who were embedded to accept me, but never truly did. I wonder if the emotional modifier had been invented then if they would have loved me. Maybe it wouldn’t have worked on them, because the original modifier didn’t work well enough. Maybe we’re that different. But I love Chase and I’d like to think that I’m nothing like him.
I push away these worried thoughts. “So how long are you going to let them go on like this?” I ask Joseph, who’s resting his arm on my shoulder like I’m a piece of furniture.
He shakes his head. “I started the game, but they’re the ones who have to end it.” He turns me toward the water in the distance and points. “Our job now is to bathe in that geothermal spa. I have no doubt they’ll come and find us when the game is over.”
The light turquoise water
is mysteriously beautiful. Steam billows off its surface giving it a magical quality.
“What’s that?” I ask in awe.
“That is Iceland’s Blue Lagoon. It supposedly offers its bathers some nice healing properties. I say we check it out firsthand. But don’t make any unnecessary splashes. We don’t wanna freak out those Middlings over there,” he says, gesturing at the figures bathing in the distance.
“When do we get to freak out Middlings?” I say, summoning my bathing suit underneath my clothes.
“Probably when we inherit the Institute and make our own laws.”
A laugh bursts out of my mouth. “Oh, is that what you think is going to happen? I don’t think Trey is leaving us his legacy.” I pull off my shirt and jeans, leaving them in a pile on a nearby rock.
“One can dream, right?” Joseph says, a twinkle in his eye. “I’ve always wanted to be the president of the country. Being a leader over an entire society actually sounds much more appealin’ now.”
“You are ambitious,” I say, toeing the water. It’s hot.
“And you’re too cautious,” Joseph says, entering the water with a small dive. He swims under the surface for a few seconds and then pops up some thirty feet away. “Get in already!”
I hesitate briefly before walking into the Blue Lagoon. The water is smooth against my skin. After a few careful strokes I turn over and float on my back, looking up at the brilliant blue sky, enjoying the feel of warm water in my ears. The steam rises in columns all around me. Remembering what Joseph said about the water having healing properties I sink down until it almost covers my eyes. The water here may heal physical ailments, but I’m doubtful it fixes emotional problems.
“Roya,” he whispers, his voice caressing my name, making it sound like something he needs, enticing me with the promise of something indulgent. I flip upright. The steam is denser here, so thick I hardly see my hands wading beside me. I turn again and again, not knowing which way to swim to return me to Joseph. Not knowing if I’ll swim right into Chase’s arms. Not knowing which one I prefer. I picture this is how it feels to be lost in an avalanche of snow.